Friday, October 30, 2009

Ahoy.


I remember when my best friend Val had these made. I squealed in excitement when I saw them for the first time. (Yes I know I am addicted to anything nautical) I actually had a blog post saved in a draft to share this with you back in May. But then with all of Nolan's scares, we put the shower off and I decided not to share the invite at that time. Gosh, never did I expect to deliver Nolan a week before my baby shower was suppose to be.

Anyways, I just wanted to share with you how PERFECT his baby shower invites were.

So if I ever get anywhere near as far to have a bay shower in the future. I think I will decline and wait and have a 'Welcome Home Baby' party instead.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Mail Day

Thank you Huggies, Gerber & Enfamil for sending me your stupid coupons, congratulation cards and constant reminders of your new products. Oh and don't forget stupid Babies R Us and their daily junk mail. Why don't these places have an "emergency cancel" option for Mom's like us. I just don't get it. I have cancelled anything I had signed up for, but of course it still finds it's way to our mailbox. The ones I hate are the ones that say, congrats on your recent baby who is now 2 months old!

STOP, please just STOP! I hate checking them mailbox now. I can seriously go for days and not check it. It drives Chris nuts, but it gives me too much anxiety.

On top of this, I got more medical bills in the mail and new ones at that. Yup, the amniocentesis bill FINALLY showed up. For awhile there I thought we got luck and insurance covered most of it. Boy do I have that wrong. The bill is bigger than my C-section co-pay!

I am just SO OVER this nightmare and ready for it to be over.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Memorial Garden visits

So Chris and I took a bike ride to visit Nolan 2 days ago. We do it often, but this was the first time we have done it in a few weeks. Yup, its 8 miles there so that gives us a total of 16 full miles that I am huffing and puffing through. The only way I make it is because I know that the half way point is visiting Nolan. But by time I get there, you find me looking like this. It kills me that I am exercising and laying in front of my baby's resting spot, but it's something I am learning to live with. You would think I would be at a park laying on a blanket or running with him in a jogging stroller (Well, okay... maybe that's pushing it) but we aren't.
While we were at the church we stopped in to see the progress on Nolan's Guardian Angel statue and infant memorial area for the garden. I am happy to announce that Nolan's statue is in. It's so beautiful, I thank EVERYONE who contributed to something that means so much to us. They are waiting for the stand to come in. Then she showed me the plans that have drawn up for the garden and area around the statue and it's absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to see it all done. I PROMISE to update you guys as soon as I know when they will do the blessing and everything so if you want to come, you can.

Also, they informed us of a All Souls Day-Litany of the Saints service that they are holding out in the Memorial Garden on Nov 2nd at 7pm. It's going to be a mass outside with luminary candles and such in memory of all those laid to rest with Nolan in the garden. So we will definitely be attending that.

Look, as I was cleaning and re-organizing our kitchen... I put all the cards we received in the past few months in a box and was amazed at how many there were. Sure, I knew there was a lot...but WOW... when you see them all together it's pretty amazing. I make it a goal of mine to go back and read through each and everyone of them at some point in the future. Back in June & July a lot of the messages sent just kind of blurred together so I would like to go back and reread them. I hope to do this by Nolan's first birthday.

I am still real down about the upcoming holidays that I talked about in my last post. It's something that I am learning all baby loss mom's and familes experience. I guess it's just a hard time of year for all us. I hope friends and family understand our feelings and emotions at this time of year. God bless.

Holidays

They say the year of "firsts" is the worst. I hadn't put much thought to it until last night and sure enough, the tears came once again. The whole Halloween thing has been bothering me lately. Everything about it...costumes in the stores, friends kids dressing up, baby filled pumpkin patches and a lot more. I am just not excited about it. I should be walking a stroller with all my friends with a dressed up little Nolan while their kids run door to door trick o treating. I was so excited for this especially since I had Nolan's first Halloween off from work, so I knew I would be able to attend this year. Well obviously, now it is the last thing I want to do.

Chris is driving to Tallahassee to visit his best friend and go to a Halloween party too, I was planning on tagging along but my spirits are just down and I think I would be better off staying home and hanging out with my Mom who will be in town for her last night. At this rate, I much rather be working... imagine that.


As for Thanksgiving.. well it's not bothering me too much since #1 we haven't had a big TG in the past few years anyways and #2 we happen to be booked for a cruise over TG this year. We didn't do this on purpose, I didn't even realize it when I booked the dates. So I guess this year will be spent sailing the seas and looking out in the horizon wondering how far my little Nolan really is.


Christmas, honestly.... how about you let me sleep through it. Chris is working both Eve & Christmas so not only will we not have Nolan here for his first Christmas, my family is not all here yet. I am hoping I get scheduled to work both just so I don't have to sit in my house or at my Aunt's in tears staring at an X-mas tree that Nolan should be sitting near and getting pictures.

Call me crazy, but I do think about these things. I would go to midnight mass, but once again, I'll be alone since Chris is working. I usually put up our Xmas tree early every year because I get bored at night and it's usually up before TG. This year we had planned on getting a real tree, since it was Chris' tradition growing up and he wanted to do it for Nolan's first Christmas. But in all honestly, I have no desire to even put up the fake one.. not even lights. This is SO not me. Bah-humbug.


The ONLY and ONE "holiday" I was looking forward to was New Year's Eve. I was pregnant last year and worked that night and celebrated with my coworkers. We actually found out the day before Dec 30th we were pregnant. Not sure why I am looking forward to this years, maybe because it's an adult type holiday, one we would leave Nolan with my parents for the night maybe but 99% of the reason is celebrating kissing 2009 GOODBYE. 2009 has been absolute HELL for us, my family and my best friend. I think I only enjoyed Jan-May 7th (happy pregnancy days) and June8-10th (Nolan was with us).

Other than that... I wish I could erase the rest out of my mind.

A rough pregnancy with Nolan
Losing Nolan

Dad loses Job

Dad gets very sick and needs open heart

Valorie
finds out Cyrus needs Open Heart (His story here)

A week before Cyrus open heart, she gets appendicitis and has surgery.
....

I would normally say it can't get any worse, but I stopped saying that. Dad hasn't even had his surgery yet, we still have jobs and are "healthy" so I hope it stays that way. I'm just bumming because I found out I will be working on New Years Eve. It's just something I have to accept, too many people want it off for me to have it off, but I wish I could pay someone a million dollars to work for me. Then Val and I could still have our kiss 2009 goodbye NYE party. We had so many good ideas.

So now I am in the process of convincing everyone to have a change in plans and have a Welcome 2010 Party on January 1st 2010. Maybe that will be a better idea, now I need to convince ALL my friends to participate and work NYE with me so we can all have New Years Day off (we all work one or the other at work)
.

So who thinks it's a good idea to change our party plans? Who's in?

Sunday, October 25, 2009

1 more month

One more month until our cruise in honor of Nolan. One more month until we are able to try again. One more month until we start to hit all the year of 'firsts' with Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYE. I am leaving out Halloween since that is this week. I HATE Halloween this year. I should be dressing up Nolan in cute infant costumes and taking ridiculous amounts of pictures. But instead, I will hide out in my house hoping no trick o treaters ring the doorbell. Geesh I sound like a mean old lady, and I really am not.

As far as trying again... we are ready, we have accepted the fact that no matter what no 'new' baby will ever fix missing Nolan, neither will it bring him back. But we will be able to accept a new addition to our family and see it as a sweet blessing from Nolan. On the other hand, the thoughts of having to go through this all over again is exhausting. Yes, at least they know what to look for and ect, BUT Preeclampsia is unpreventable and untreatable, only delivery of baby takes it away. They can ward off high blood pressures sometimes but it doesn't always help. So any pregnancy, have it be soon or not.. worries the living hell out of me. I just have to have faith that God will be good to us and I will bring a baby home next time. I still can't believe I am living this new life right now, never ever thought me.

I think I am just frustrated with life and little things that never bothered me before, I find myself being bitter over. Maybe it has something to do with me weaning off the meds. Which by the way, I am so proud of myself.... I haven't been on my 'meds' for 2 weeks now. I wanted to have them out of my system by time we tried again. And given it being an emotionally exhausting week, I think I have held on quite well. It was real hard to see Valorie so worried, upset and scared because I know her EXACT feelings at that moment. It was the same feelings I woke up with every morning that Nolan lived in the NICU. So watching Valorie's emotions totally brought me back to all the worry, anxiety and hope I felt with Nolan. I prayed so hard that she would NEVER EVER feel the pain I felt after Nolan's 3 days. Thank goodness Cyrus had a successful surgery and is healing quite well.

2009 can kiss my ass. I had to put it bluntly. I thought 2009 was going to be our happiest year ever! I was so excited that we FINALLY got to start our family. We FINALLY got married and that's all we were waiting for. Yes we were very lucky to get pregnant right away and hope we have that luck once again, but I never thought 6 months later I would be on deaths doorway with a very very premature son.
-Never did I think I would lose my son
-Never did I think my child would die before me
-Never did I think I would spend my summer grieving
-Never did I think my best friends son would have so many heart complications
-Never did I think My Dad would get so sick
-Never did I think I would feel jealous of pregnancies and newborns
-Never did I think Val would get sick and have to have surgery too
-Never did I think we would be babyless on all these upcoming holidays.
-Never did I think I would meet my new BEST FRIEND Amy, wish I never did.

(It's Amy's due date today, please send some prayers her way. Kalli was so beautiful and I wish more than anything besides Nolan that she was here and Amy could dress her up in her Halloween costume) Is that too much to ask?

Amy sent me this sweet poem


His little soul has touched us all
He didn't need to stay
His spirit touched each one of us
Before it sailed away

We all know souls arrive on earth
with special roles to fill
And his has fully played it's part
His memory guides us still

He had a ver special soul
He stayed but just awhile
So if, or when you are feeling sad
Recall him with a smile

For then you will know inside your heart
The reason why he's gone
And never feel too empty that
His role down here is done

His spirit touched each one of us
No other ever could
Forever will we cherish him
The way we know we should


So please please please let 2010 be good to us, Valorie and Amy. PLEASE.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I promise I am still around. I has been a very stressful and emotional week. I overcame A LOT of obstacles that I never would have if it wasn't for my best friend Valorie. I would do ANYTHING for her. Good news is Cyrus is doing real good, he did have some set-backs but the past 2 days he has made great progress.

I have a lot to say, just need time to sit down and write it all out. Maybe I will attempt that tonight.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Over the moon

I am not sure if you remember me talking about Niki, Myles mom back awhile ago. Her son Myles has the SAME EXACT story that we have. Myles even weighed the same as Nolan and her pregnancy was also cut short due to the nasty pre-e. On top of that she has had a major battle with infertility. I found Niki on the Pre-e Foundation website just days after loosing Nolan. And she is also the first person I reached out to at this time, I knew she understood the pain I was experiencing.

But I am happy to announce that she is having twin boys! Her surrogate (her sweet sweet cousin) is carrying her babies and they found out today that they are having twin boys. I could not be happier for her. Congratulations Niki, you deserve this times one million.

I also just got home from spending the last 2 days in Tampa with my best friend for her sons open heart surgery. If you want to read her blog, here you go...(Mom 2 Boys) I am just over the moon to report he is out of surgery and stable in CVICU. Mom did such a good job today and was so strong. Thankfully I am home and t hat means my favorite hyper little guy was stable enough for me to go home and get some much needed rest.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Fair?

Is it too much to ask for a guaranteed healthy pregnancy next time? Is it too much to ask God for a break this time. I thought we did everything the right way, and look at our outcome. I did everything in my power to fight for Nolan, but look where it got us.

Sad thing is, I may be able to get pregnant, but according to the specialist... we will never know if my body will be able to carry a healthy pregnancy and that scares me to death. Sure go ahead and try again, but in 6 months will I be reliving this nightmare with another baby once again?

All Chris and I want is our Nolan and we can't have that. So next best thing is to bring a little sister or brother into the world and actually be able to carry him or her home in a car seat, put them in their crib, do feedings at 3am in the morning and most of all, watch a miracle grow right in front of our eyes.

I will never ever take pregnancy lightly, nor will I understand why certain things happen. I have witnessed first hand that the world is not fair and it doesn't matter if you do all right or all wrong. I guess I need to ask that powerful question when I get to Heaven one day.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I call you mine

A dear friend sent me this song and said it reminded her of Nolan. As I read through the lryics, I couldn't have agreed more. This song perfectly describes my Nolan and my feelings.


I Just Call You Mine
Martina McBride

I pinch myself
Sometimes to make sure I'm not in a dream
That's how it seems
(So true, I still feel like this nightmare is a dream and I will wake up from it)

I close my eyes and breathe in the sweetest moments I've ever known
It feels like home
(I had never been as happy as I was those short 3 days I had with Nolan. I will cherish those moments forever. I think about them all the time)

And here I am
I want to be your everything
There you are
Turning winter into spring
(He's turning winter into Spring because he is up there in Heaven)

And everyone that sees you
Always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you
Always has a smile
You're a standing ovation
After years of waiting
For a chance to finally shine
Everyone calls you amazing
Yeahhhh
I just call you mine
(The few people that had the chance to meet Nolan said it was life changing. The pictures never did him justice to the miracle he truely was. We were all so proud of Nolan for his fight and he was AMAZING and he is MINE.)


I fall apart
And just a word from you
Somehow seems to fix
Whatever's wrong
Ohh
You reach into the weakest moments and remind me that I'm strong
You gotta know
I'd be a fool not to see or even worse to forget
That you're more than I deserve
(I am the luckiest Mom to have such a beautiful and special son. I will never forget...ever. I am lucky to have the sweetest guardian angel and am thankful he gives me the strength to get through my days. And just when I feel like it can;t get any worse, I get the sweetest signs from him.)

Cause everyone that sees you
Always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you
Always has a smile
You're a standing ovation
After years of waiting
For a chance to finally shine
Everyone calls you amazing
I just call you mine

Nothing makes sense when you're not here
As if my whole world disappears
Without you what's the point of it

Cause everyone that sees you
Always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you
Always has a smile
You're the dream that I've been chasing
After years of waiting
For a chance to finally shine
Everyone calls you amazing
I just call you mine
Everyone calls you amazing
I just call you mine
(Because Nolan WAS amazing and he brought tears to most that got to meet him. Chris and I waited years to get married and start our family and I couldn't be more proud than to be Nolan's mommy.)

So without further ado, here is my new favorite song.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Candles


As another blogger, Wyatt's Mom said...and I will say it again, (Please read her last post)

I should be lighting candles on my Nolan's birthday cake next June 8th. But instead we are lighting candles on Oct. 15th for infant loss remembrance day.

But I didn't even get to light that, I am at work and at 7pm I was going to a trauma. So my dear friend Amy lit one for our babies and sent it to me. It made my night.


I love you Nolan and I will NEVER ever go a day and not think about you. I still can't believe you are not here in my arms right now. I guess I am just in shock that this is our new life. I never in a million years thought we would be faced with losing a baby, I really didn't.

So to all the Mom's that I have met since June that are feeling the same thing, I am thinking about you girls today and all your sweet angels in Heaven.

Remembering Nolan



Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Bill of Rights

Thanks to a friend who posted this...
I feel the need to post this, it's so true.


“Mourner’s Bill of Rights.” It was written by Alan D. Wolfelt Ph.D. author, educator, grief counselor and director of the Center For Loss and Transition (http://centerforloss.com).

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.”

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clich├ęd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.”

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Yesterday was ROUGH. I thought I could do it and I was wrong.
Real quick, Val is doing pretty good. Surgery went well, she's in pain but healing as expected. I watched her boys last night and got them off to school. Talk about exhausting, I give her huge points for doing it everyday. It probably didn't help that it was my first time doing it either.

As for the hospital yesterday.. I was doing just fine being in her room since it's in a different tower of the hospital. But the second we went to the 'atrium' I lost it. All the emotions that I haven't released in a awhile from being 'strong' came out full force. For those of you that don't know what the atrium is, its the hospital lobby that is 4 floors with a HUGE open middle with little waterfalls, coffee shop and pianos, glass elevators.. ect. It's the place where all my friends and family hung out just hours before Nolan coded. As soon as I saw it, tears came like a waterfall. So I thought if I turned around I would be better. And as I was recomposing myself, a freaking pregnant girl walked by doing her 'labor walk'. I just lost it.

So yesterday was hard, but I did it for Val... because she was there for me. I am glad she is doing well and hopefully coming home soon. Then I won't have to step foot in that place until there is a 'good reason' to come back.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Daja Vu

4 Months and 4 days ago, my best friend left work and drove strait to the hospital to be there for my emergency c-section. She held my hand as they prepped me for the OR while Chris urgently tried to call family.

Today, I left work early and took that same drive from the hospital we work at to the same hospital I had Nolan at to hold my best friends hand as they prep her to have her appendix taken out.

So we both are sitting here in the hospital room, and now SHE is the one sitting in the very same bed as I was just 4 short months ago. This is the LAST place I want to be right now as far as THIS hospital but I went through the back way and I am on the opposite side of the hospital than I was with Nolan. SO, I think I can do this, but only for Val's sake...because I love her.

For those of you that don't know Val... She is my best friend, the one who did everything for my wedding, the one who was there for every second of Nolan (from the second he was born to the second he died) the one who made Nolan's video for his service and the one that has an 8 year old son who is suppose to have open heart surgery next week. (long run on sentence)

Nolan, watch over my best friend, I know you will... but also give me the strength to hang out in this place. I promised I would not step foot in here until I had your little brother or sister in my belly. But for Valorie.. I would do anything, just as she has for me.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sneaky 4 months

Last night I was at work and Chris text me around 2am saying he was awake. I text him back asking what the heck he was doing awake since he wakes up at 415am to go to work. He said he woke up thirsty and is going back to bed.

Fast forward to this morning. I was talking to him on my way home and he mentions again about waking up at 2am. I said, "Yaaa I woke up around 2pm yesterday. It sucks."

He replies, "I think Nolan nudged me awake. Because when I woke up I smiled and he was the first thing I thought of... instantly."

I didn't think anything of this for a few seconds until it all clicked. He woke up at the same time Nolan left us 4 months ago, it was 2am when he coded for the last time.

How could I not have thought about this at work?! There is NO way I forgot, because the other 3 months I was dreading the hours around 2am on the 11th for a reason. And last night, it was like Nolan gave me the strength to get through my night with a smile. Chris said he knew better to remind me while at work why he was awake when I asked. But I just find it amazing how sneaky that date was. I even was charting after midnight and realized the date said Oct. 11th. BUT, it didn't cross my mind. All I have been thinking about is his 4 month birthday, and I think SO much about how big he would be or wonder what he would be doing right about now, that his angel anniversary didn't even pop up in my mind.

Thank God & Nolan for that strength, because if I didn't have it... work would have been one long lonely sad and depressing night. I would have thought about it all night where I was just 4 short months ago at that very time. I was in a quiet room, with my cold heartless beautiful baby wrapped in a little blue blanket crying and holding him as tight as I could passing him between Chris & I. That moment I felt frozen in time. I NEVER EVER want to feel those feelings again, and quite frankly I need to stop writing right now.. because the feelings are so raw I can feel them just typing.

Good night and I love you Nolan. I miss you SO much...so much. I had so many hopes and dreams for you little one. I wish you had the chance.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Wishes

I wish I was the old Ashley everyone remembers, but I'm not.
I wish I wasn't in this position.
I wish I didn't loose some friends in the past 4 months that I really cared about.
I wish I was holding my son instead visiting his grave.
I wish I could look at newborns, hold babies or think about them.
I wish I could photograph newborns or photograph Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. (I will one day)
I wish I never met Amy and Amy never found me... it would mean we both had our babies still with us.
I wish my Dad wasn't sick and needed open heart surgery.
I wish God wasn't testing me by giving me only what I can handle. I think I have proved myself.
I wish my best friend's (Val) son who is only 8 years old didn't need open heart surgery this month, he's such a strong little guy. I think Nolan would have been just like him!
I wish to have a family one day here on Earth.
I wish my Grandma was still alive, because she went through this 6 times, and I am sure she would have a few words of advice.
I wish I didn't feel obligated to explain this thing they call grieving. It's indescribable.
I wish people would understand I really am not trying to push them away, promised.
I wish I could write a formal TY to every single person that supported us.
I wish I could loose this baby weight, I don't have a baby on my hip to justify it in public.
I wish my parents could sell their house and be in a better spot.
I wish money grew on trees and I could burn medical bills and that would make them disappear
I obviously wish a lot of things.

I JUST WISH I had my sweet angel here with me.

Sometimes I just feel like I am being kicked when I am already down, like tonight.
.I can't wait to kiss 2009 GOOD BYE. Same with Valorie and my Mom & Dad. I think this will be the best NYE yet, let's say screw off 2009 and hope 2010 will be better. I can only wish, right?


I went to visit Nolan with Chris tonight to say happy 4 months. We went to watch his solar light come on after the sun set. He has October flowers and a orange pinwheel, it's perfect. I am going to go get him a small pumpkin next week, he needs one. So here are a few pictures how we spent our night with Nolan.




Ok, I need to do an I'm thankful list too...

I'm thankful for my life, I was close to dying.
I am thankful for the best husband and the fact we are holding strong after the worst year of our life.
I'm thankful my Dad went to the hospital when I told him to.
I'm thankful I have a good job in this economy.
I'm thankful for all the ladies that supported me and continue to do so. Even though you feel like your invisible in my world, I promise your not..I will NEVER think I am above you because I lost my baby... EVER! Nor will I think your incapable of being a good friend because you don't know how I feel.
I'm thankful for meeting Amy & Johanna.
I'm thankful they caught the HELLP when it started or Chris might not have me here right now.
I'm thankful that I know I can get pregnant, just wishful I can carry to term one day.
I'm thankful for the ones that remember my birthday and Nolan's important dates and remind me I am a good Mom.
I'm thankful for a wonderful Church.
I'm thankful for my family, mom, dad, sisters, brother, aunt, gpa and inlaws.
I'm thankful we can go on the cruise in November for Nolan because we sure do need to get away in our most favorite place.
I'm thankful for Dr. Fish who has worked her butt off to figure out what is wrong with me and is ready to fight to get us a baby.

Most of all I am thankful for God giving Chris and I the most special little boy for 3 days. It is better to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all. I love you Nolan.

Dear Nolan,


Happy 4 month birthday lil guy. I hope you are having a good time up there in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy down here miss you terribly and wish we could have you back here with us. I am so proud of your fight you started 4 months ago. Your cry(squeak) we heard as soon as you were born was music to my ears. It was instant gratification that I knew you were going to put up a fight.

Everyday I look for the opportunity to talk about you. I think I have to be the proudest Mommy. I talk about you at work, at weddings and even to strangers I meet. I show them your tiny little feet that is on the back of my name badge at work and their eyes grow huge. You were such a tiny miracle.

Mommy is missing you Nolan, more than I can ever express. I take the strength you send me to continue putting one foot in front of another every single hour of the day. You see I have my sad days where I just want to crawl in a ball and repeat over and over how much I want you here. But I have to have faith that God took you early because you were very very special to him. Although I don't fully understand this just yet, and don't think I ever will... I will try to accept it in the coming years. I know if you were still here we would be celebrating your 4th month here at home. We would have had a special celebration because all your other ones would have been spent in the NICU. But instead I will be coming up to visit you at your resting spot. I promise to tuck you in tonight when the sun sets and your nightlight turns on, it's the best I can do. (I hope you like your solar nightlight)

Keep the signs coming little one, I need those. It helps me be reminded that you are always by my side. I sleep with your baby blanket, I wear your ashes in my necklace and I pray to you every night to visit me in my dreams and I think about you every second, minute & hour of every single day. I love you Nolan and enjoy your 4 month birthday up there with Kalli, Eli, Jasper, Isaac, Myles, Kayleigh,
Vincent and all the other babies that have Mommies like me.

Monday, October 5, 2009

October


We just got back from Vegas for my best friend's wedding. The wedding was beautiful and Noelle made the most beautiful bride EVER. We enjoyed every second of the trip and can't wait to post some more pictures of the newlyweds.

Is it already October? I mean I won't complain but has it almost been 4 months since my baby was born? He would have been four months in 2 days.
You know what is driving me insane right now? Halloween costumes in the store, I was so excited to dress up a newborn for halloween this year. I don't even have a desire to have trick or treaters this year. I am NEVER like that, but it looks like this year might be a year for my outside lights to stay off Oct 31st. Bummer. Hopefully next year will be a better halloween.

That lil stinker gave us so many signs when we were in Vegas for Noelle's wedding. From the first 30 seconds we stepped foot in the hotel casino, his song comes on. That song hasn't played on the radio, my ipod or TV in awhile now. I have been avoiding it to tell you the truth because it just makes me cry uncontrollably. It was just so ironic that we were just discussing how we should be lugging a stroller and diaper bag around instead of yard sized margaritas.

I kid you not, the same thing happened the day of the rehearsal. We were walking around Mandalay Bay to the restaurant and I noticed it was on again. I nudged Chris to tell him and he said he was JUST thinking about Nolan because a baby boy just strolled by with his parents. Ironic!

THEN, we go to The Bellagio to see the fountains and look what our precious Nolan sent us...
I just wish Nolan was there with us, it was the plan the entire pregnancy (well at least until he was born early). So we decided to make a wish in the Bellagio Fountain, and I am sure you can guess what that wish was...
And I am sure you are wondering how I am "really doing" .....
It's hard, I am not going to lie. They said time heals, but it honestly hasn't. All time has done is not made it feel as raw as it did back in the summer. I still avoid all babies that would be around Nolan's size/age. I feel as they are in my face when I least expect it. Such as sitting in the direct seat in front of me on the plane, being sat next to one at dinner last night, ect ect. It's painful to think that I should be in that Mom's spot just like they are.

I haven't had as many breakdowns as I used to and I smile more. My friends and family are my support and most of all Chris, Amy and Johanna because they know this pain unfortunately. I did have one breakdown in Vegas. We were walking back from a night out and while walking through the casino to our room... Nolan's song came on again, AGAIN. I just had enough. I know it was a "sign" but it made me want Nolan 1,000 times more. All I could think about was his perfect little ultrasound that I put music to and it was THAT song. I'm sure the few cocktails didn't help the emotions either. I just wished he were with us for Noelle's wedding, it would have meant he made it as a full term healthy baby boy.

I try to focus on the positive that we can try again and at least we know we CAN get pregnant and hope that we get to bring a baby home next time. Then focus my energy on sharing our baby's special big brother to him/her. But that all sounds so easy. I'm terrified, seriously... we want so badly to have our family on earth feel complete. I have to have faith it will happen, but thinking of the actual process is exhausting. It's will never be a normal 9 months, it will be fulled with anxiety and worry. BUT, I will count on my faith and Nolan to give us that special baby one day. I am hoping and praying that 2010 brings us some much needed good news.