I am having one of those nights. It started of great. Dinner with two of my best friends at Carrabbas we sat outside and had GREAT conversation. Then we all went to a movie and tears fell from all 3 of our cheeks and we walked out with black mascara eyes. Couldn’t have asked for a better cliché of a girl’s night out.
And now that I am home and in a quiet house, I’m sitting here overwhelmed with thoughts. It’s like the pop out of nowhere. There are so many going through my head and I’m not so sure where to start. And I can promise you the sad movie started it.
I think it may be the fact that this Mother’s Day is quickly approaching and it was suppose to be my first happy one. I was suppose to be relaxing and taking a break from the hussle and bussle of raising a child. Last year’s wasn’t so ideal, what was suppose to be an exciting day was a day spent on the couch in a dark living room crying. It was just days after we were told our unborn child would not live and he was sick. We were still waiting on the amniocentesis results and in all honestly I could not enjoy the moment like I should have.
Now on to this year, what do I celebrate? Will people even remember? I work that night so maybe sleeping all day and ignoring it will be the cure? NO! I should be enjoying the day with my Mom and celebrating the fact that I AM a Mom. So being at work on this particular day will be a hard one. I just never expected my first Mother’s Day would be spent without my baby, never thought me. So while all the other Mom’s are relaxing away from their children at spas and hoity toity brunches, all I will be able to think about is how all I want is to be WITH my child for Mother’s Day. And I simply can’t be and it hurts.
Then shortly after that, is the fast approaching year. June. In one aspect I am excited to celebrate his life, but then in another way I am dreading June 11th. One year since we said good bye. It’s going to be hard to feel that same weather and replay that morning watching Nolan be worked on and having to give up on him and leaving the hospital empty armed just a few hours later when I was discharged. Only to go home and start this journey of grief. The journey I never expected to take. The journey that made me a new person. The journey I lost best friends to and the journey that gave me a new normal. My style of writing changed. My personality changed, my smile changed.
My world as I knew it was forever changed. I’ve been told my strength shines through in my writing, but I promise I don’t feel it. I just had the courage to feel it. I didn’t run from it. I couldn’t. As bad as I wanted to remain sleeping so I could dream a life that wasn’t mine. I couldn’t. I had to wake up and face the day when there was nothing there to break up the darkness. I knew I wasn’t alone but it felt like it. I grieved out loud, I shared my thoughts and for me it was therapy. It WAS my therapy. It was why I continued to write and continued to share our Nolan.
Now that it’s approaching a year, people that weren’t closely affected have moved on. They live their days with out this unbearable grief and I envy those. I miss how I used to feel, I call it a naive happiness.All while I have learned to deal with it, learned to accept it and cope with it best I can. It’s how I want to live. But I don’t live like that anymore. I do miss it. But the farther it gets from Nolan actually being here I am so afraid people will forget. And that those dates are quickly approaching.