Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
The way I have felt this week, I needed this.
For the first time in my life, we have a bay measuring AHEAD on an ultrasound.
Yesterday was our 2nd ultrasound and I can’t even put into words how nervous I was. As I was pulling into the hospital my stomach was in knots and I was preparing myself for the worst news. But then, as I pulled into the parking lot, a yellow butterfly fluttered across and no lie….it put me at ease.
The ultrasound was AWESOME. I love the girls in my office, they seem to get just as excited as we do. We heard the heartbeat and listened to it for a little bit while Ashley (secretary OB) even ran in to hear it.
Perfect heartbeat and a baby measuring 2 days AHEAD in growth. I couldn’t be a happier Mama. Dr F is pretty happy with how everything is progressing and we are hoping and praying the rest to stay like this.
Next ultrasound, June 11th. ((Sigh)) I CAN do this. It will give me something to look forward to vs. wallowing in my tears, right?
So I said I wouldn’t do any of these belly shots, but when I am the size I am so early I have to in order to prove it. Seriously I look 14 weeks pregnant, just where I was with Nolan. I don’t care how much weight I put on as long as I stay healthy and bring home a healthy baby.
There is always a little diet Nutrisystem that will take this baby weight away when all is said and done.
Now off to shoot a wedding of my dear friend Izzy today. I can’t wait to come back and share pictures!
at 6:25 AM
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
You know when you get asked the question - “Do you have children??”
What do you say?
It can be SUCH a loaded question.
A lot of you out there know exactly what I’m talking about. It is such a simple, innocent question but when I’m asked that now I feel like time comes to a complete stop. All the noise and activity around me stops. It is the most awkward moment ever, and the person asking me has no clue. I feel like I turn white, when I answer “no”.
“No, I don’t have kids…” is the easy answer.
“Yes, I have quadruplets who are all dead…” is the very complicated and socially unacceptable answer.
For those of you who have children up in heaven - Have you ever really answered that question to someone you just met?
I don’t think I could do it. I don’t like to make people feel awkward or uncomfortable, so I just don’t go there. Sometimes when I’m asked this question, I am able to easily blow it off and I quickly answer, “No”. Other times, answering the question with an abrupt “No” makes me feel guilty; like I’m discrediting that my children ever existed. Do you ever feel guilty doing this too?
It’s not until you’ve experienced the loss of a baby, or have had fertility issues, until you start to rethink asking people you meet those simple types questions. You never know what might be going on that you had no idea about. My rule now is, if they don’t volunteer the information, then I don’t ask. It seems like the rest of the world still has no idea that a simple question like that can mean so much. I know people don’t mean anything by it, because they don’t even know me, but getting asked that question often is SO draining.
How do you handle those questions?
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Thank you for all your sweet comments in the previous posts, they remind me of things I tend to forget, remind me I have normal feelings and reassure me that I'm not alone.
at 5:07 AM
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I'm afraid. When I first found out I was pregnant I was surprisingly calm. I told myself I would enjoy every second possible. When the people who knew I was pregnant asked how I was doing. I think they were expecting to hear something along the lines of scared, anxious, afraid… and oh ya my boobs hurt, no upchucks YET ect ect.
But I have this fear. I said since day one of my grief journey that I didn’t want to have a pregnancy with someone else ever again. I have lost my friendships of those kind when I lost Nolan. I am not proud of some of my feelings but they were inevitable. Jealousy is a big fat monster. I can’t help but look at their babies and relate what Nolan would have been doing how how big he would be getting. It made me crave my baby here on earth 1,000 times more.
When I found out I was pregnant, I had a dream.
I remember it like it really happened. I was SO happy playing with a friends baby and was a few weeks or months pregnant. I was getting the baby to laugh and I was playing airplane with it. It felt good, it felt like I should feel about babies. Then my friend who I was closely pregnant with Nolan walked in with her baby and came to talk to me. I couldn’t look at her, I couldn’t smile at her.. because I was still so hurt that Nolan wasn’t here. He should be THAT size, he should starting on THOSE solids.. blah blah blah. It was like my subconscious mind was trying to tell me that part of me was still hurting even though I am pregnant again.
Being pregnant again doesn’t fix it. I didn’t expect it to nor want it to.
So now, that I am back in the desired spot I have been happy. Thankful. Over the moon! Until someone broke the news. They are pregnant too. We are due so close to each other, within 48 hours. And as much as I am happy for them. I am TERRIFIED of being left in the dust again. Afraid of what happened last time. Losing friends. Avoiding new babies the size of what my baby would have been. Just afraid of it all. I just can’t do that again. It was one of my hardest spots in grieving.
I tend to hyper focus and this is something that is going to bother me. I can’t help it, I am not proud of it. I know just because I am pregnant doesn’t mean the world stops and I am warranted to be the ONLY one pregnant. But the fact that it is a friend, neighbor and co-worker- I can’t run from it as easily. I am broken.
And so worried of having that dirt kicked up in my face once again. So when people ask how I am doing.. I’m SCARED.
at 7:23 AM
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Yesterday we took a trip to Tampa to visit my favorite blog friend Lauren & her husband, Josh. Our original plans were to do Busch Gardens and BBQ but the wee little one and the Lovenox shots changed those plans. I don’t think roller coasters would have been a bright idea.
So instead, we hung out under a cabana at her pool, raced kids half our height to the top of the water slide and lounged in the pool all.day.long. Best relaxing day ever!
Not only that, we played around with our cameras when we got back to her house, which by the way I fell in LOVE with. I have house envy- it’s just BEAUTIFUL!!! We went to dinner and had some more drinks and came back to their place and hung out on the back lanai for HOURS talking, laughing and tweeting.
Chris didn’t want to leave. Yes, I literally had to DRAG my husband out of his chair so we could drive the 2 hours home. I think it’s funny that just a few months ago when I first met Lauren, Chris thought I was crazy for meeting a ‘blog stranger’ at Starbucks for coffee. And here we are, months later… he’s now dying to move up to Tampa so we are closer to Josh & Lauren.
We had a blast guys, can’t wait to do it again. Cheers! (Raises my Shirley Temple) Yes, I am bad ass.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
In December, we weren’t sure if dad would see his 55th birthday. The surgeon had us worried that he might not come out of surgery. It was the realistic way of looking at it. Sure there was hope and prayers but in all honesty, we were SCARED.
But here he is, thriving and doing awesome. Oh and turning fifty-freaking-five!
So what did we do to celebrate?
Chris and I took my Mom & Dad out for lunch out in a little well established Fish House on the water. It was perfect! At the time both my Mom & Dad had NO clue about our news.
So what did we do?
I gave my Dad his birthday card and watched him get all excited over his Walgreen gift card I got him. HE LOVES WALGREENS. Mom was laughing when he opened it. Then he saw IT.
I wish I could have gotten the SURPRISE FACE. The 2nd picture he was looking at my Mom for the OMG response, but the funny thing is, she had NO CLUE. She just thought he was excited over his damn Walgreens gift card.
So I told him to give Mom the card so she could read it and that was the end. Tears, hugs and TONS of excitement. It was SO much fun to tell them this way and for them to be here in person. They were over the phone last time when we announced we were pregnant before while they watched a slideshow.
This was just perfect.
So Happy Belated Birthday Dad. I wish I could have posted this in my busy week post, didn’t want you to think I forgot about you. I just had to tell the story as a whole because it’s that much fun!
at 8:01 PM
Monday, May 10, 2010
Nolan is going to be a BIG BROTHER!
We’re excited, scared, hopeful, thankful and simply over the moon. Here we are starting this journey again, but it already feels SO different this time.
We have told our parents (which by the way was SO MUCH FUN) and our closest friends have found out. I struggled on when I was going to post this here, but I can’t let fear over power me. If I wasn’t going to post it in fears of something bad happening, well then I mine as well not post until after 26 weeks. Because in my world, just being out of 1st tri doesn’t promise me anything.
It’s about making it to each milestone, each week, each appointment and just getting to where we need to be. I have the best OB I could ask for who is also just so excited for us. She sure does have her hands full for the next few months.
She even said I had her worried that we had twins brewing when she got my beta numbers because they were so high. So there was a sigh of relief at the ultrasound when we only saw one flickering heartbeat. Poor Dr F. said she already worries with one, let alone two that my body could never handle.
We got to see the heartbeat, so that’s one milestone down…1 million to go. I started my Lovenox shots, I’m hyped up on prenatals, folic acid & baby aspirin and have many biweekly dates & scans scheduled with Dr F. That’s not including the MFM appointments in between. So yes, I am being watched- VERY CLOSELY.
This blog will stay the same. It’s our family, it’s the way I want to keep it. I don’t imagine this blog will turn into a baby this and baby that blog because in all honesty, this pregnancy will just be different. No nursery plans, no baby showers, and stuff like that. It’s about surviving.
I will always talk about my Nolan, write my fears, hopes and dreams, and most of all, document our milestones.
And hopefully in December this year, we will be welcoming home a little bundle of joy. Yes I have a due date, it’s the last possible day of 2010. I guess Nolan was determined to give us a 2010 baby, I couldn’t be happier. But as Dr F said, there is no way I would make it to that day realistically. I will be sectioned around 37-38 weeks (if I even got that far)and she is just hoping I can get to AT LEAST 32 weeks.
So here I am. Scared, excited and hopeful. Starting this all over again. I decided not to count weeks as closely as I did last time, but now that is impossible after hearing how often I will be scanned. So at this current moment, I am just making it to the next appointment to hear this little heartbeat again.
So Nolan, keep a careful watch on your little brother or sister. I have many people down here looking after me. Not only Dr F & MFM, but friends, family, Chris and coworkers have me in a bubble. So you don’t need to worry about me, just help this baby to grow.
Power of prayer can go a long ways.
at 3:50 AM
Friday, May 7, 2010
It’s been a crazy busy week. I haven’t even been able to sit down and even blog (gasp)!
I almost ran out of gas again while driving around my Mom, Valorie & Jen while we were out dress shopping and this was the Facebook commentary on it. I just had to post this for a good laugh. I guess I like living on the edge when it comes to gas.
We welcomed home my SIL’s boyfriend from Afghanistan. Talk about an emotional homecoming. It’s really special to be able to be a part of it. His sister had Veterans, family and even the news to welcome him home. Just awesome to see him back on US soil. It’s so powerful when an airport stops and everyone claps and welcomes a soldier home.
My Father in Law graduated from nursing school this week. He is respiratory therapist, turned firefighter to fire chief, retired man to a NURSE. Needless to say, I think he LOVES school. What man has that many degrees? I didn’t even name them all.
OH and did I mention that he was “Outstanding Student of the Class” award. That darn over achiever!
We went out to celebrate after and Lauren (best blog friend) was in town so she came by for some drinks. I LOVE hanging out with Lauren and can’t wait to spend the weekend with her and her husband next weekend.
It’s been a busy week and thankfully it’s distracting me from Sunday. I am pretty down about Mother’s Day and how it will unfold. In the past two weeks I realized Mother's Day was on my weekend to work (calculated my weekends wrong)..but I thought it would be okay. Chris and I would go for breakfast, sleep all day and both go to work. Not a HUGE deal. At least we could go visit Nolan together. BUT then it hit me the other night. Chris is back on day shift for 3 months. So I won’t see him at all. ALL WEEKEND. I leave before he comes home and he leaves before I get home. So now I am just having a pity party for myself over here. I will get over it. But I really wanted to go see Nolan together. I’m sure he will come visit me up at the hospital that night. But it’s not what I expected my day to be like. Hopefully next year is better.
at 11:28 PM
Sunday, May 2, 2010
I have been waiting for this book by Angie Smith to come out for months- and I mean like counting down the days. I have followed her blog since last June shortly after we lost Nolan. She started her blog when she found out her sweet baby Audrey was not going to survive here on earth when she was born. She shares her love, hopes and grief over the few months Audrey was still nestled safely in her belly. Then the raw feelings of grief followed after precious Audrey was born.
She inspires me. She has turned Audrey’s story into a book. It’s heartbreaking, inspirational and a raw insight of what losing a child is like. But is is sharing a life with the world, something I would love to have the chance to do.
So today, I took my book, my new anchor towel from my best friend Jen and my pool floats and spent the whole day at the pool reading. I am half way done and the only reason I stopped was because the Florida sun was frying me. I look forward to finishing it this week.
at 10:08 PM
I feel like a horrible Mom. I don’t visit Nolan as much as I used to. I get so sad when I see no flowers at his spot. It just looks so dead. I mean the grounds are beautiful and his angel statue is there because of HIM. But it’s still hard to see no flowers at his stone. Nothing. It just looks empty. I miss doing his flowers and arranging new ones every month, it was one thing I looked forward to. I’m adjusting though and ‘starting’ to get used to it, just very slowly.
I also fell in LOVE with a house. The backyard faces the memorial garden and I would do anything to live so close to Nolan. I could blow him a kiss every single night. Now I just need to win the lottery, even if it was just $200,000. I would move RIGHT NOW.
at 7:17 AM
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad! I am so proud to say I have parents that still love each other, some days. HA! I hope Chris and I can make it to 28 years.
In the past 28 years
My parents had 4 kids.
They have lived in 4 different states and 8-9 different cities.
Survived raising 4 kids and sent them all off to college.
Been on 10+ cruises
Survived job loss more than one couple should
Lost their first and only grandchild
Lived through one of the most complicated open heart surgeries
So I think love has conquered all for them in good and bad. Happy Anniversary and I hope you’re enjoying your week! Wish we were there to toast to 28 years with you!
at 9:52 AM