Thursday, July 29, 2010

Half Way There

I should bust out in Bon Jovi's classic, but I'll spare you my voice.

18 weeks.

Today, I am half way to our delivery date. That's about 132 more days till we meet our new little guy. Will we make it that far? We can hope, right? It's only 130 or so Lovenox shots in the belly, not too bad.

We pretty much live week by week and we have our weekly goals. Everyday is a blessing and every week this little guy grows is a victory.
Our goals
  • 18 weeks- half way
  • 24 weeks- viability. Dr F said we're already ahead of the game if we get this far since this baby will be bigger than our little guy
  • 26 weeks- when Nolan was born
  • 32 weeks- our 'safe' goal we were given last pregnancy with Nolan. I remember Dr F saying "If we can just get you to 32 weeks"
  • 36 weeks- Ultimate goal & c-section (I can't go much past 36 weeks due to type of c-section I had)
It was tonight while watching Boston Med that I got all giddy about the newborn on the show. I said something along the lines of "Awwww I really want one of those" as in like a newborn baby that we get to take home.

Chris looked at me like I was crazy and said "We have one, right there in your belly"

It dawned on me that I still don't feel like this is all real at times. It feels surreal that we may just be rocking a baby in our arms in just a few months. This can really happen, I mean we're already half way there, right?

We just don't know what my body is going to do, no matter how healthy and big this baby can be. We have that little thing called pre-eclampsia & HELLP dangling over our heads and it can appear at anytime and I freaking HATE it!

So.....
Here's to another smooth sailing 18 weeks (raises water bottle)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Thankful on Thursday


Thankful for this little guy taking residence in my belly and giving me kicks to tell me he's growing like a weed.
Thankful & Excited.

And I am thankful for this video.
A must watch.

My brother's speech to his graduating respiratory class. That was given just 1 week after saying goodbye to Nolan and he even mentions our little fighter in it.
(wipes tears from face)
He was so wise for his young age. How he accomplished so much in so little time.
video

Monday, July 26, 2010

MFM update

Oh how I hate that place. It's where I was told Nolan would die, where he would not survive, go home and grieve and pretty much have no hope. Little did that Dr know. Even after that first appointment, every single appointment from there on out was bad, stressful, scary and hopeless.


So I don't like going there, even if it's for the extra bonus ultrasound. I get enough of those every week with the Ob & tech I actually like. And I had a small anxiety freak out when I saw that very same Dr walking around the office today. PLEASE GOD let the Dr I am suppose to see be here. I REFUSE to see that lady.

But for once, I walked out of there with a smile. Even after wanting to knock the ultrasound tech out for lecturing me about eating and how I shouldn't skip breakfast. Little does she know, I can't eat before going to that office because my nerves make me so sick- SO SICK. I think I know how to take care of myself. Your talking to the girl who force fed myself last week when I had no appetite. So shut it. Go back to scanning. Thank you. (Gosh I sound bitchy here)

Anywho.

The Dr we saw this time is newer to the practice, kinda hippy like and I REALLY like him. He actually read my chart, knew my history and was very calming while talking to us. He said everything is looking good. But he understands how we probably have the feeling of waiting for the bomb to drop. He said his main concern right now is my placenta being RIGHT over my classical c-section scar. As if having that scar wasn't risky enough, my placenta decided to attach right to it. My luck, huh?

I guess it's not an issue this early in pregnancy, but said come in a few weeks I will be going in quite often to get it checked. Hopefully as my scar stretches it doesn't affect the placenta and baby stays supplied with nutrition and we deliver at 36 weeks. But he said we need to be ready if it starts misbehaving.

He also mentioned the u/s tech seeing a heart defect (septal) so nothing too alarming. Nolan also had this. But when he took a look himself, he didn't see it. But that's another thing to keep an eye on.

But as of right now, my placenta looks healthy, with Nolan it was practically non-existent. This baby is growing perfect, Nolan was already 1-2 weeks behind in growth by now. This baby is still a boy and he has huge feet, JUST LIKE NOLAN. My amniotic fluid levels are perfect, with Nolan they were already real low.

So I am just happy that things seem to be heading in the right direction. I am happy with this new MFM Dr I saw today and feel comfortable for the first time. I'll be seeing him again in 2.5 weeks, and then will start 1-2 week appointments from there on out.

I actually feel confident in this MFM business for once. It's a good feeling. Maybe I'll actually eat next time before going in... take that u/s tech lady!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

27

HaPpY BiRthDaY to Me!
Even though I don't feel 'as' happy as I should be, I am thankful I am actually pregnant for my birthday. It's amazing to look back on the past 4 birthdays and see how much has changed.

My 24th birthday I was celebrating my Golden Birthday. I think it was the biggest birthday party I have ever had.

My 25th birthday was the year I got married. One weekend was my Pirate Birthday party that I shared with one of my good friends. The next weekend was a bridal shower. I was so excited it was the age I was finally getting married! It was going to be a great year.
I swear, we were all dressed as pirates. Don't ask but the party was a BLAST!
My 26th birthday was spent grieving Nolan. I should have still been pregnant, shouldn't be able to drink wine and should be the happiest girl in the world. Instead I moped around in tears and wishing I had Nolan with me, in my belly. Since Chris had gone back to work that week, my best friend threw a very small game night at home and made me a funfetti birthday cake.


And here I am at 27. I'm stuck on how to feel. It's hard because I said I would be so happy if I made it to my birthday still pregnant. And I have made it. Vicki my u/s tech gave me the greatest gift of all and told us it was a boy and a healthy looking one at that. But then on the other hand, how can I be so happy when just a week and a half ago I lost my baby brother? I'm still grieving that- obviously.

2 Birthday's in a row that grief is so new and fresh. So when people ask what I want for my birthday, I can't help but think...

"Duh, isn't it obvious? I wan't Nolan and Charlie back here with me"

It's just not logical and I have to attempt to enjoy this day for what it is. I am 27, one year older and still alive. I have a big & so far healthy baby boy growing inside of me. I have family to surround me today. And in the big picture, Charlie wouldn't want me to be sad today, he would want me to feel happy. So that's what I am going to try to do.
Be happy. Be Thankful.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Happy News

I've needed some here, ESPECIALLY in the past week. I've had so much on my mind but no time to blog it. But THIS couldn't wait.

I am so excited to share we found out this morning that Nolan is going to have a baby
BROTHER!
Last week was horrible, stressful and down right exhausting. I did my best to remain calm and keep my blood pressure where it belongs. I force fed myself every day no matter how weak my appetite was and got as much sleep as I could. This past week has been rough but this little bit of awesome news just made our day. We needed this. I promise, I have been taking care of this baby to the best of my ability. (16 weeks, 6 days)

The baby is still measuring ahead and as my Dr puts it, looks perfect so far. I am 17 weeks tomorrow and for the first time I felt a sigh of relief. A little glimmer of hope that this baby is going to be one big baby and arrive in December as planned. We can only hope, right? The little guy is measuring about 6 ounces and it's amazing to think that is almost half the size of Nolan. And in just 3-4 weeks, this baby will be measuring Nolan's size. Amazing.

My gem of a ultrasound tech spent a lot of time with us as usual and got a ton more pictures to add to our growing pile. I need a photo album for our bi-weekly ultrasounds, I'm running out of room on our fridge.We agreed I could be an u/s sonographer by the end of this pregnancy, I'm getting good at pointing stuff out. I honestly LOVE going to my Dr's office because everyone treats this baby with as much love as we already have for it. It just makes me smile.


So today I did something I told myself I wouldn't do this pregnancy.
I bought something for the baby. I just couldn't help it. I had fallen in love with this diaper bag at the Coach Outlet just weeks after finding out we were pregnant. I lusted over it because it's my favorite blue and it's simple. I talked myself out of it because... well many reasons. Expensive for a freaking diaper bag, what if it's a girl, what if this baby starts measuring small... what if, what if, what if. We walked into Coach Outlet today and low and behold the bag that wasn't there just a few weeks after I saw it the first time, was hiding in the clearance section behind 3 other bags. I couldn't help myself, it's perfect even though it's more than I would want to spend.

Come on, I got a $400 diaper bag for.... freaking $100! I'm in love and I am so proud of myself for allowing myself to buy something... "baby"

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Charles P. Mottram

Charles Patrick Mottram
Jan. 18th 1988- July 13th 2010

Visitation and Funeral/Mass Arrangements
....................................................

Visitation
Sunday, July 18th
5pm-9pm

Harvey-Engelhardt Chapel
1600 Colonial Blvd
Fort Myers, Fl 33907


Mass & Funeral & Burial will take place
Tuesday morning, July 2
0th
10am


BLESSED POPE JOHN XXIII CATHOLIC CHURCH
13060 Palomino Lane
Ft Myers, Fl 33912


In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to Edison State College in memory of Charles P. Mottram c/o Edison State Foundation, P.O Box 60210, Fort Myers, Fl 33906-6210

For reference...
Checks made payable to
Edison State College Foundation
Note "
Charles P. Mottram Scholarship" on the check

If there was one thing Charlie was passionate about, it was the desire to learn, the quest for education and his love for respiratory therapy. We want a future student in the Respiratory Care program to be able to have that chance that Charlie was so passionate about for many years to come.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Numb

Last year, I remember in the following days after losing Nolan my Mom saying to me...

"I wish I knew what I could do as a Mother to help you, but this time I can't because I don't know what your going through."

It hurt her so bad that she didn't know how to fix this for me. She couldn't give me a kiss and throw a bandaid over it. This was something I had to figure out on my own.

Now here I am, 12 months later telling MY MOM I understand. I am the one trying to give her the bandaid. I want to protect her. All the things she is saying, all the things she is grieving are things I remember saying myself. I just kept repeating, I just want Nolan home. I probably wrote it a million times on this blog. And here my mom is saying the EXACT same thing.

How is this?
A Mother & Daughter both grieving the loss of a son. I am grieving the future and she is grieving the past. How?

JUST as our family, especially ME was starting to feel a sense of acceptance with my new normal, just as I was starting to feel 'happy' again, just as we got past June and felt like a one layer of grief was peeled off. God throws boulders of grief on us. We're drowning in this grief.
He was 22 freaking years old! He had SO MUCH he wanted to do just like ANY young guy. He wanted to be a travel therapist, he wanted to go back to school, he wanted to remodel that ugly old BMW. He was so passionate about his job, his car, his family. How can this all be taken from someone with SO much passion?
I don't get it. I'm mad, I'm heartbroken and I am trying my best to hold it together for this baby I am carrying. Today I woke up numb. It pretty much felt like it didn't happen. I started my day out feeling empty but not broken. I didn't cry, I could talk of Charlie with a smile and I almost felt guilty that I wasn't more emotional. Was this my protective instinct to keep me calm? Or was it just the shock?

It wasn't until tonight, when Chris and my Dad went to get my brothers belongings out of the car at the tow lot. My Dad walked in with his iPhone that had 20+ missed calls from Mom (after she thought she saw his car) and Charlie's stethoscope. My Dad noticed a small amount of blood on it and asked me to take care of it. So I started, it was nothing big and could even had been from a patient. It was on the metal part of the scope and that's what I chaulked it up to. I handed it to my Mom and she handed it back to me. She said if there was any person to have that stethoscope it was me.

I was the one who encouraged him to go into Respiratory, I'm the one he would secretly battle for grades. I remember him coming home bragging because he beat me out on a certain test. It was our secret game. He wouldn't want that scope to go to waste sitting in a box, for crying out loud he just paid $75 for it weeks ago. I was honored and it brought tears to my eyes. But it wasn't until she handed it back that I noticed I had missed all the blood on the black/rubber part of the stethoscope and that did me in. I stood there at the kitchen sink washing my dear brothers blood off from his brand new stethoscope. I broke down and ever since that moment, it's starting to feel more real.
Tonight we sat around as a big family going through family pictures and watching family videos with Charlie in them. It's so hard to grasp that the little blue eyed blond haired boy isn't here with us anymore. His smile is only in memories, but I can promise you he had the same exact smile at 2 years old as he did just days ago.
I miss him. I'm scared to feel what I need to feel because of this baby. I need to go through the motions but I know I need to be strong for more reasons than I can list. I am positive it won't really hit until I see him lifeless and I am terrified of it. I don't want this to feel real. I want to go to work and talk to patients that had my brother before transferring to my hospital and talk about how charming he was. Patients ALWAYS remembered him. I want to see him walk out the door for work as we make fun of his scrubs. I want to see him get all excited when Glen Beck comes on and says something that gets Charlie's mind running. I don't want to go to a funeral home tomorrow and arrange his wake. I don't want to have to find a black dress I can fit into right now. I don't want us to have to think what to dress Charlie in for the wake.. because these are all things we shouldn't be doing again.

It's just weird. Maggie, Molly and I sitting there realizing tonight, it's just us 3 left. Our only brother is gone too soon and it's just weird. Too real and makes you miss him 1,000,000 times more.


I'll leave you with a quote Charlie had on his Facebook.

"Follow your Passion, and Success will Follow You."
-A. Buddhhard



Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Charlie

I sit here with an incredible amount of sadness and shock. I am questioning how our family can endure so much so fast. How much can we be tested- haven't we been through enough this year? Our faith feels stretched today as I write that we lost my brother Charlie today to a horrific car accident that took place on his way to work.

My mom drove past the accident on her way home from work and immediately called me because she said the car looked so much like Charlie's. I called work wondering if there was a trauma brought in even though I was already on my way to work. I was hoping Mom was just over reacting and this would be nothing. Mom & Dad were in a panic because Charlie wasn't answering his phone and that was unlike him. I got to work, Chris was heading to the accident scene and my boss called the other hospital to see if Charlie had gotten to work yet. Then everything started coming together. It was him.

I knew before we 'knew' because too many things matched up.

Chris got on scene and found out our worst nightmare had come true. He then escorted the State Trooper to our home to see my parents.
Charlie was a young and energetic 22 year old who could charm ANYONE. He had a laugh that was contagious and charisma that people latched to. Not a day went by that he was making someone laugh by his political passion and bizarre arguments. I was so proud of him when he graduated from the same Respiratory program I did and got the same award I was given . He gave the class speech just as I did 3 years prior and and even included Nolan in it. It was just 1 week after we buried Nolan. But I was so proud of him that despite my pain I even pinned him at his graduation. It meant so much to me.
He was Nolan's Godfather and he was simply amazed by Nolan when he met him and visited him so many times in the NICU. Charlie was and always will be the best uncle. I just wish I got to see him with his future niece or nephew. He was that AWESOME with kids.

Our family is in complete and utter shock. The events that led up to this late afternoon are more than we can digest. Charlie had passion for life, plans for the future and had so much going forhim. He was just so damn brilliant. So why him?
Today I lost my only brother, the GodFather to my son and a best friend. And life as we know it was once again flipped upside down and this journey of grief that is all too known is back for a visit for our entire family and extended family and friends.
God Bless you Charlie. Your sisters and Mom & Dad adore you and miss you more than you will ever know. Take care of my Nolan up there, he has the best respiratory therapist a lil guy could ask for.

I love you Charlie, I don't think I told you that enough.




Sunday, July 11, 2010

Weeding

I am not sure how I have not come across this sooner. Thank you to Angie who sent it my way. It was THAT good I just HAD to share it. It explains how I have felt about certain relationships in the past year.

(Link found here)

Weeding Your Garden
Written by Kristi Sagrillo

Dealing with the reality of changing relationships after your child dies.

A wise gardener once told me that if you want a beautiful garden to grow you must weed it from time to time. Weeding for any gardener, whether it’s a small flower pot on the front porch or a gorgeous flower garden in the backyard is an assumed task and occasionally just has to be done. However, if you neglect to prune the weeds they will eventually begin to overcrowd or, worse yet, become invasive and try and take over your entire garden.
After the death of my son, I began to apply this same logic to my own life.

On November 7, 2005 my son Alex was stillborn; I was 37 weeks pregnant with him. He was perfect and healthy, except for the twisted umbilical cord that cut off his oxygen supply. Alex was a beautiful 8 pound 21 inch baby boy. Up until this point in time, my “life garden”, as I will affectionately refer to it, was perfect.  Or, so it seemed.  But on that date, and from that time forward, everything was different. My life garden had been devastated. There were no more blooming flowers; they had all been drowned by the tears that showered down upon them. Those first few weeks after Alex’s death were very surreal. Nothing mattered any longer. Life had continued to go on around me and I felt like I was helplessly watching a horrible movie unfold before my eyes and I couldn’t find the door to escape.


Soon the weeks turned into months and I had noticed that my life garden had a small number of flowers that had weathered the storm. Of course, the black cloud was ever-present and it still rained sporadically, but it was not raining quite as hard or as long as it did those first few months. My husband and living children were still there, they had always been there I just couldn’t see them until the rain had subsided. And new flowers began to sprout up - flowers that I had never planted or maybe never noticed before. These new friends and past acquaintances were now offering me their  genuine love and support and would become the flower border surrounding my life garden. The support they gave me and continue to give me is cherished, now and forever.


As my garden began to slowly grow back, so did the weeds.  At first I didn’t have the energy or the strength to pick them so I just ignored them. But eventually they were beginning to suck the life right out of me. I was struggling with how to cope after the death of my son as well as what it meant to me and how his death would define me forever. There were family members and numerous friends (too many to count) that could not or would not grant me the space or the respect to figure this out.  I did not understand why they could not offer me their support, after all they were there for me in the past, right? They had been there before when I needed them, what was so different this time?

It was the death of my child that was different. I had changed overnight but they had not. I was not that same person any longer and they wanted the “old” me back. They wanted everything to go back to “normal”. But this was the new me and my life had taken a different path and this was a journey they did not want to take with me. My grief had suddenly shifted from grief for my son to anger towards them and I was going down a very dangerous road. I had veered off my path of grief and was headed down the winding road of hate and rage. My world was spinning out of control and I needed to reclaim it. I realized that my focus needed to be on my son if I was going to move through this grief process in a healthy way. It would have been very easy to shut out everyone. But what I needed to do was to remove any outside forces that were preventing me from my journey.

So began the weeding process. There were the co-workers who would avoid me if they saw me coming their way as if they could “catch” my bad luck like the common cold. On the outside they looked like flowers, but it quickly became apparent that they were indeed weeds. They would be easily plucked from my garden because their roots did not go very deep. It was the weeds that I had ignored for too long that took more energy to pull. Their roots were deep and in some cases were connected to other noxious weeds. Pulling one  meant pulling two or more along with it. Those were the seemingly close friends that never called, never offered their support; it was like they disappeared from our life after the memorial service.

But it was the family members that hurt the most. The ones you would expect to be there for you. The verbal attacks and insensitive comments like, “When are you going to move on?”, “Shouldn’t she be over this, it’s been 3 months?”, “She should be grateful she has two living children” (Like one can be swapped out for another!) The last straw for me was when family members questioned my parenting abilities towards my two living children, this only 4 months after Alex’s death. Evidently, I had allowed my children to make faces at the adults and this caused them great pain and disrespect towards them. Hmm…sounds like a great reason to attack my parenting skills.

Initially, the shock of finally removing them from my life stung, but if my garden was going to continue to grow it simply had to be done. I gave myself permission to do this and coupled with that permission was the power I needed to gain control over my life once again.


I continue to weed my garden but it isn’t needed as frequently anymore. I am stronger now and more attentive and am able to pluck  any weeds before they even have a chance to touch the soil. I am planting new flowers everyday and watering the ones I have. Every now and again the thunderstorms roll in but I have realized that my garden needs the rain and the sun in order to continue flourishing.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Part of that dreaded "New Normal"

Sometimes I hate the person I have become. A lot of the times I forget what it felt like to be truely happy and have stupid things to fret over and I absolutely HATE that. I'm not perfect and this journey of grief has been far from perfect. I think I have tried my best to share my feelings raw and I open myself up like a book. But sometimes it can backfire as I learned yesterday. I fully admit I am not always right and that my new perspective shadows the normal perspective. Do you know how sick I am of trying to explain myself, my complexes and the reasons I do things one way over another to family, friends and coworkers? It can be exhausting.

In the past year I have been more judgemental and bitter than I have ever been in my life, but I have tried my hardest to deal with it with grace and dignity and A LOT of the time- I keep the thoughts to myself. I think anyone who has lost their child at any age will feel that. Unfortunatly, it's not always perfect. I don't want people to pity me, feel sorry for me or feel censored around me (although I understand THAT part). I am not trying to win the war of loss here, nor am I trying to out do others in my battles- that's just plain stupid. I just want my normal naive life back. At times I miss my naive perspective because it was easier. But then I also have to remember through all the bad and hell of the past year, some good things have come out of it. I have learned to love harder than ever before, Chris and I have conquered what many seperate over and become closer, I have made AMAZING friendships even in the mist of losing a few and I appreciate life 100 times more than I did before. That goes for any life... old, young and brand new.

I write in my blog more on my bad days than my good days. In the future I hope the good out number the bad. But for now, blogging is therapy and 100% of the time when something is eating at me I feel relief after I post. That's just how I am, how I conduct my blog and what it is. I made that choice last June when I decided to keep writing in the mist of grief.

But I will apologize for my post yesterday, I could have gotten the same point across with more grace and class than I did (
like here). But I will not apologize for my feelings, because that's what they are... true and unscripted. I now understand why so many grieving mothers have private or anonymous blogs, because sometimes our perspecties sound judgemental or crazy and well sometimes: they are. That's just how it is.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Dear Friend

::Steps on Soapbox::

I am happy that you got to experience a wonderful birth and had a healthy baby but step back and take a look at the big picture.

Your baby was in the
NICU for observation and sure I bet it sucks not having your baby in the room with you and that it is a HUGE pain in the butt to have to nurse in the NICU. But step back, stop your whining and remember your baby is here, HEALTHY and your baby is going HOME with you in a few short days.

I would have done ANYTHING to have 3 simple days in the
NICU with a guarantee to bring Nolan home. The petty whining about latching and being inconvenienced with the nurses because you cant do what you want and couldn't go home 'on time' was **a VIRTUAL SLAP to all those who have been through those doors. Many of us are indeed grateful for medical staff that do their best to give those babies a fighting chance**

I didn't expect this from you considering you watched our struggle and thought that would knock you back into perspective, but I guess not.

I would take all those pety inconveniences if it meant bringing Nolan home. Think about all those mothers who are sitting in there day after day after day. What do you think they would say to you if you whined to them in the waiting room?! Sure you made a shout out to them, but your whining about the stupid stuff (not being discharged when you wanted) kind of feels like you shoved it in their face.

I am sorry you spent your first night at home without your baby and with empty arms. I agree, I bet it sucked but again remember those that never will get that night or remember those that live months in the NICU like that wondering every single day if they will get to bring their baby home.

I think you sounded very selfish this week and ungrateful. Because I bet Noelle would have died to be in your spot this week. Instead she is delivering a severely IUGR baby tomorrow morning at 32 weeks. The baby is less than 2 lbs and will be a NICU baby. They are praying and hoping and holding on to every strand of hope they have that Baby B will make it. She has been on hospital bed rest for weeks fighting for her and wondering every single day if she would see the next. Because she was told what I was told in the early weeks about Nolan that she wouldn't make it. At 26 weeks, Nolan and Baby B were pretty much the same size. Since being in the hospital Baby B has grown to over twice her size and even made it to 32 weeks. A goal I was DYING to get to.

Bless her heart. She has a long road ahead of her. Think of people like her and my friend Amy who are on the true roller coaster. I don't see them whining about feeding schedules and privacy issues. They are just thankful for the people who are and will be caring for their babies. I believe every Mom & Dad are going to have frustrations when it comes to NICU's. You have to fight nurse personalities, Dr's conflicting diagnosis and the struggle of not caring for your baby on your own. It sucks. Any NICU trip can be scary regardless of the reason they are in there, I am NOT trying to down play your experience, just your constant whining.

But I wanted to shake you this week and make you step back and take a look at the big picture. Your baby is thriving, healthy and beautiful. You had a fever that landed her a 2-3 day stay in the NICU for observation and antibiotics. But in the end, you put her in her car seat and walked out of the hospital with her. That in itself is a blessing and I think you need to stop AWing yourself and remember us who never experienced that.
Because I am SO sooooorrrry that (insert sarcasm)

"The NICU was a huge pain for us"

::stepping of my soapbox::
Ashley

Now that I feel better, I want you all to go visit Noelle and send her some warm wishes and prayers for tomorrow. She has been through so much and has been such a trooper for Baby B. I wish her all the best tomorrow and can't wait to see little Baby B fight her way through her NICU stay

**Disclaimer: I struggled with writing this but decided to since it bothered me all week. I think every and all NICU experiences no matter how severe or minor can be a scary situation, hands down. But I have never thought a Mother would 'shake her fist' at the NICU and point out every minor inconvenience. That's what felt like a slap in the face.


Monday, July 5, 2010

I am excited.

I am excited.
I am hopeful.
I am thankful.

But I am also very guarded. Rightfully so.

I know at 14 weeks pregnant with Nolan I had nursery plans in order, names being thrown around, baby shower ideas brewing and I was searching high and low for the perfect baby crib. I'm sure my friends we're sick of me talking about the pregnancy and the new baby.
I was just so.damn.excited!
I couldn't WAIT to go scanner crazy at Babies R Us, I couldn't wait to sign up for every email about my baby's development I just couldn't wait to get my hands on anything 'baby'. I couldn't help but vision what are life was about to become. Because again, I was so excited.

But this time, it's so different. It's a different excitement. Like a 'thankful, hopeful, I am praying to make it past 32 weeks but I know what can happen' excited. In all honesty, it's a guarded excited. When people ask me my due date, I really don't know how to answer because I will never get to that date. We're hoping for 32 weeks, then 36. We will deliver at 36. Shoot I am praying to get past 26 for crying out loud. I just tell people I hope to make it through October.

I am not running to Babies R Us and starting registries. I am not really thinking too far ahead of myself. I don't want to count my chickens before they are hatched. I am afraid to buy anything baby. I don't want nor expect a baby shower. I am not planning a 'baby moon' because it's not smart for me to travel at such a critical time, nor would my Dr let me. I'm not writing a birth plan because I didn't need it last time. My birth plan will say,

"Do whatever to keep this baby safe and get him/her here safely"

I guess I am not worrying about the petty things I may have thought about before. Maybe in time when I feel more safe, I will. But for the time being I am just enjoying every second I am getting in this so far so good pregnancy. I am lucky to be back in this spot and I am thankful for every second I get.

I'm playing it careful. That is what works for me. I know all too well that bad things happen to good people. Bad things can happen at any time, 6 weeks, 13 weeks, 26 weeks and 40 weeks. I'm quite this time around, I am humbled and so what...who cares.

I am excited. My close friends and family know this and see this. They are the ones I feel comfortable talking 'future' plans with. I am attached to this baby already and that scares me because I know how quickly that can be taken away. I don't know how I could handle a loss again.

So for the time being, I live ultrasound to ultrasound (every 2 weeks) and pray for good news. I think about getting through these next few months. I am anxious to know if this little one is a boy or girl. I hope I have a big ole pregnant belly for Halloween. I hope I have something huge to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. I hope that come December 10th, I have 3 awesome people with me in the OR. Chris, Dr Fish and Ashley V (who doesn't get a choice but to be my OR nurse) and I hope that a few days or weeks later we can have the biggest 'Meet & Greet Baby Shower' ever.
A celebration of sorts.

These are pretty much the only things I care about right now. No nursery, no cribs, strollers, coming home outfits or bottle choices for this mama. I just want to stay pregnant until December and THEN we can worry about all that extra mumbo jumbo later.
Qwim?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Size doesn't matter or does it?

Here I am at 13.6 weeks pregnant with baby #2. I'm huge! I look 18-19 weeks pregnant. I know, I know.. 2nd pregnancies you get bigger faster, but still! I would like to think it's due to the fact this baby is measuring so many days ahead. We have a little porker taking residence in my belly. And I want him to keep going, make me big and fat and uncomfortable. I'll be the happiest uncomfotable pregnant women on this Earth.
(cheesy smile, huh?)
I COULD point fingers at this guy for the growing porker. Imagine this guy in the fetal position 26 years ago. He was 10lbs and 24" at birth and now is 6'6" and wears size 18 tennis shoes. But IF that was the case, how was Nolan SO SO SO SO tiny? Makes you wonder how things all come together. We never once thought we would face such a thing like IUGR with my husbands size. He's freakishly huge! LOL
He would SO kill me if he knew I posted this pic. And yes he is on the unmade blow up mattress, I was making too much noise getting ready for him to take a nap in our room.

So I would like to say, so far so good. We have 2 battles we are wanting to overcome.
#1 IUGR
#2 Pre-e/HELLP

Looks like we are heading in the right direction with #1. Too bad #2 can show up anytime, anywhere, unpredicted and take things away from you so fast.

I just have to cling to hope that all these things are just one more light shining on the big finale. Bringing a healthy baby home, in our arms.