Dear Nolan

Dear Nolan,

3 weeks ago today, you made your appearance. Mommy was so scared and afraid but you amazed us all with your energy and fight. I wish you were still here Nolan, I miss you more than anyone in this entire world. I find it hard getting through my days because all I think about is you and how perfect you looked and acted. I know you are happy up in heaven and I will see you and hold you once again one day. But right now, my arms are empty and my heart is heavy with out you. We have gone to visit you at the garden every single day. I make sure your flowers still look pretty and we put a Bert & Ernie Police Car there, it was only appropriate since your Daddy is a police man. It's just not the same visiting you there, we should be going to HP NICU to see you
I'm still working on your old room to make it a memory room for us. I still have to iron your curtains and hang them. Plus we have a bit of clutter stashed in there from when the entire family was here- so I need to clean that out. Your Nana and Grandpa finished the paint and it looks so perfect. We kept the dark blue and plan on buying a big chair to put in there for Mommy to hang out on. We set up your sailboat lamp Daddy bought weeks ago and it makes the room perfect and my favorite picture of you next to it. Only thing missing is the big nautical chart that is being framed right now. We added a small plaque at the bottom that says "In memory of our Ruby Baby, Nolan Michael" You will always be my nautical baby. You were the perfect token from our wedding cruise. I wish I could be adding your crib and dresser and all the other baby things we had picked out. That's what we should be doing, but this is the alternative and we have to accept it. I still have to attempt to do the closet, this will be very hard emotionally. I had bought a bunch of things for you that I need to pack away in a tote and put somewhere special. My favorite outfit I bought for you was a onsie that said "Mommy's Little Anchor" and it was stripped with and anchor on it. Daddy hated that outfit when I bought it but I didn't care, it was so fitting. We had so many sailboat and tugboat outfits we bought you, it's going to be hard packing them all away, we should be hanging them all up preparing for your arrival.

I love you Nolan, and I will NEVER forget about you. I carried you for 6 months, felt you kicking everyday, and saw you first hand as a true miracle kicking around in your isolette. You had so much energy, you probably got it from me, I do have ADD. As time gets further since the last time I saw you, it seems to get worse. People keep telling me time heals, but I don't feel it. I know you are watching over your Mommy & Daddy and that's very sweet of you, but I would rather be selfish and have you here. Daddy has been real good at taking care of me, he reminds me to get up and do things because you never got to. Even if its going for a walk outside, he reminds me to do it for you, you never got to.

Nolan, give me some strength. You gave me so much when you were in my belly. I had a huge reason to fight, have hope and not give up. But now that your gone, I'm loosing those qualities. I want to enjoy life again, and do it on your behalf like you would want me to. But it so hard when my heart is so broken without you. I pray to you every night, sleep with your blanket that Aunt Cathy bought for you and dream about you. You are always in my heart munchkin, love you.

Love,
Mommy

Wordless

I wish I would write in the blog on my better days, so you don't have to read so many depressing posts. But honestly it's usually how I feel, so it's what you read for the time being.

I'm not really sure if I can type my feelings today, but figured I would give it a shot.

I feel empty, I feel all the weight I should be feeling in my arms (All 130z of Nolan) has gone to my heart. I am heart broken, and not the same heart broken you feel after breaking up. It's a heartbroken in it's own definition; indescribable.

I want to be happy and excited again. I look back on our wedding videos and all I can do is smile and laugh my butt off because we are so happy and care free. I wish I could post the video here of Chris and I dancing to "Ice Ice Baby" on our wedding night because it's priceless. It shows the real me and how happy I was. I would love to feel that feeling again right now.

((EDIT: I was able to post the video))

And I want to feel that excited feeling I felt on Dec 30th when I took that first pregnancy test. I can't even tell you how, excited, thankful and hopeful we were. We couldn't believe it, we we're finally going to be parents. It had been a long year of waiting, and we were so shocked it happened right away, but we couldn't have been happier.

Those 2 feelings combined were the absolute best. I look forward to the day I can feel those again. But I have so much anxiety that I won't. I'm terrified this will happen to us again. Nolan leaving us has put me on a new journey that NO ONE can understand unless they have unfortunately lived it. I want to get better, I want to feel better and gosh darnit I want to smile all the time again. But currently, the only thing that can remotely make me smile is thinking of Nolan when he was here and thinking of the past when I was carefree. The future scares me.

I've always been a positive person, but this past 3 weeks have sucked all that out of me. I never once gave up hope on Nolan, so how can I give up my strength now? Well he's not here, it's 1 million times easier. He's suppose to be here, in my belly, kicking and rolling and making me fat. So I hope people understand when I'm having bad days, or if I am having a good one, it doesn't mean I am "better" Nolan will be my main thought for the next few months, no doubt. Aug and Sept will be my hard months. I'm not looking forward to it. I need distractions, I need a lot of them.

I guess I'm just scared people will forget about Nolan. I already feel like some people don't recognize how real he was. He was perfect in every sence just a tad too tiny, and I wish I knew why God chose him. I wish everyone could have met him to see what a miracle he truely was. He moved, he sucked on his thumb and he fought like a warrior. He's my little boy and always will be.

Overwhelmed

I'm not really sure what to write... I'm hoping something comes to the keyboard to make me feel better.

I miss my old life, happy go lucky me, excited about being a mommy. No worries, and a heart full of hope that my lil munchkin would keep fighting until he's just big enough to make his arrival. I miss wearing my cute maternity clothes and watching my growing belly.

I hate this new life so far of grief, shock and hopelessness. I HATE feeling negative, absolutely hate it. But I can't stop thinking about why Nolan? Why can't we be the parents we wanted & planned to be? Why am I walking this path of loss? Why do I have to be surrounded by pregnant happy women everywhere we go, friends, strangers and the lady sitting next to me at the Dr's office looking at her ultrasound pictures. I am so happy they are having good news, but why couldn't we have the same? I don't want to feel this way...it's not fair to others around me.

Today we tried to go to the social security office which we were instructed to do while we were in the hospital. The NICU case worker came and talked to us to inform us since Nolan was under a certain weight, SS office has a program of some sort that helps with NICU costs. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but we went to the appointment that she set up for us today to start the process. We left empty handed because they said they can't help us now that Nolan isn't here anymore. Now we have to go in this backwards way with Medicaide or something like that. Who knows, I'm too confused by it all. I just left in tears and heartache.

I would just do anything to rewind my past 3 weeks to have that feeling of hope back and the feeling of excitement that we will be parents. I would still be thinking about what crib we were picking out and thinking about all the classes we had to schedule to prepare us to be parents. I would still count down the days to every upcoming ultrasound(even though they were every other day it seemed). We would be decorating the nursery while my family was here and buying furniture. But instead we're in a whole new journey now. I hate EVERY SINGLE PART OF IT.

Here's the poem I read at the service and it pretty much sums up how we feel.

God, Take This Child....
By Nancy Scott

Sweet child whom we never really got to know,
It’s hard for us to let you go.
We waited and we wanted you.
We had so many dreams for you.

We think of smiles we'll never see.
We think of events that will never be.
There will be no first steps and no first teeth.
There is only a void and our own grief.

We planned to take you to places far and near.
We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.
We hoped to show you much of your new world.
We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.

It’s hard to understand why you, our baby, died.
We feel so numb right now, many tears we’ve cried.
We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.
We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.

God, we stand before you broken-hearted
and ask you to heal these lives that must be parted
from this little one we can no longer hold,
who will always be a part of us, even when we're old.)

God, take this child in your loving arms.
No more can he suffer any harm.
Bless him always and bless us too.
Be with us and help us to make it through.

Heartbroken

Today is just one of those days I feel heartbroken, very empty. That strength everyone sees in me feels non existent right now. (I know this sounds repetitive) Everyday is different, shoot every hour is different. I look forward to the day I can look back and feel better about all this. But right now, I don't see that happening in the future for awhile. I need distractions (and not work..that's the last place I can be right now) to keep me going, weekly vacations...I wish!

I wish I was in Chicago right now like we had planned months & months ago for my cousins wedding, I was suppose to be a bridesmaid. It would mean that Nolan was still healthy and my Dr was letting me go because there was no worries. Then I really wasn't going due to bed rest, but now I'm not going because Nolan isn't even here and I'm just not ready for huge social gatherings. NEVER EVER thought this would be the case. I wish I was just in Chicago because it would mean my little man was healthy.

I'm just terrified of all this happening again to us. I always said my biggest fear is never having kids, so I guess that's going haunt me for the time being. Never thought we would be in this situation. I have 110% trust in my OB's that they will do everything in their power to help prevent this from happening again but in the end, they don't get the final say so. God does. I have to remind myself, at least we CAN get pregnant, that's a huge positive.

Just a rough boring day to think about all negative and positive things. I wasn't going to post anything but decided to in hopes I will feel a tad bit better.
Well, I just realized, 2 weeks ago today Nolan went to heaven, maybe that's why I feel so empty today. Makes some sense huh? I feel like these past 2 weeks have been years but it's obviously why happy, go lucky, hyper Ashley you all know is still "missing". I miss that part of me. It's only been 2 weeks, it's not like I will heal overnight.

Tomorrow we have to go to the Social Security office to deal with NICU SSI he was entitled to help pay some bills. So tomorrow will be a bit rough.

I know you all you guys have sent so many prayers our way already, but maybe a few extra prayers for home hope in the future would help. I can't dwell on the past but need to start having new hope for what the future has to bring us.

Off to go visit Nolan with my Mom and then dragging myself over to Valorie's house with my Mom to watch some cruise videos from the wedding cruise. That will make me smile, even if it's for a little bit.

Update

Today was better than expected. I went to have another follow up appointment with my Dr and we think we could have found some possibilities on what may have contributed to this whole thing. She's not positive and may never be.... but this is a start. I won't go into details until we know for sure but if it is what we think it could be, it's semi preventable in future pregnancies. Hopefully in future pregnancies my baby will grow perfect and be normal size and I won't get Pre-e or HELLP. At my official 6 week postpartum appointment she will have some labs drawn to see if it's a few things I have not been tested for yet in hopes to get some answers.

We also got the time frame when we can start trying for a little brother or sister for Nolan. It's sooner than expected and a little more than hoped. BUT it could be WAY worse. We're excited so until then we are going to set little monthly goals to get us through the time we need to wait. Plus were hoping on maybe planning a anniversary cruise for December. I think we have definitely earned a cruise, so maybe I should go book one. (If you know us, we are addicted to cruising...we will find any excuse to go on a cruise)

So some future things to look forward to...
July : another Dr appointment and My Birthday (whoo-hoo)
Aug: Nothing yet, probably me going back to work, I hope I'll be ready.
Sept: Will be a bad month, maybe take a weekend trip SOMEWHERE
Oct: Noelle's Vegas Wedding!
November: Nothing yet
December: ANNIVERSARY (cruise??)

Here's another crazy story.
So the 2nd song in Nolan's video "I Will Remember You" was used because it has importance in our family. It was a popular song when my Grandma died and we played it at her funeral and also played it at my Uncles a few months later. Then the song would always ironically come on the radio. Times such as, going to visit the graves, visit Grandpa, or when we were talking about them.
Until Nolan, I had not heard the song in FOREVER at least a year or so.
Today we took our "wedding cruise" authentic Nautical Chart to the frame store to be framed. We plan on hanging this in Nolan's new room (was a nursery, now a sitting room with Nautical & Nolan stuff) As we are picking out frames and mattes....THE SONG COMES ON THE RADIO right after explaining to the guy why this was so important to us and told him about Nolan. Insane huh? It just goes to show us Nolan is with us all the time. :)

I'm sad my family is leaving tomorrow, well my Dad and sisters are. It's been a HUGE help having them all in the house, they have kept me nice and distracted. At least my Mom is staying with me a few more days. I need her around especially with Chris back to work. So maybe I'll get semi used to it this week since my Mom will still be with me for a few nights.

I have come to realize I can't change what happened, so I need to try to move on. Easier said than done, but I can at least make an attempt. Trust me, it's hard being around or hearing about all my friends that are pregnant and due around the same time. I want nothing more than to be in their boat, and NEVER EVER want them to go through what we did. I think it's going to be hard for awhile, especially until September 13th when he was SUPPOSE to arrive. But it hurts, in a backwards way.

I have to realize that maybe Nolan was REALLY sick and more sick than he looked and never would have lived a good life. He could have had a lot of medical problems, and with that, heaven was a better place for him. I love him more than anything, it's amazing how much you can fall in love with your child so fast. I look forward to having that love for a baby sister or brother and that's what keeps me going. Time is our enemy but we want me to be healthy and my body be ready so that I can give everything I can to make that baby healthy. I hope and pray we will NEVER have to go through this again, and I know Nolan will watch over us in the future. I really do think Nolan has made us even better parents for the future. He sure did make a difference in his short time here.

I love and miss you munchkin, and we have not missed one day yet without visiting you.

Nolan's Birth Story (LONG)

Well many people have wondered what the heck happened causing Nolan to come early so here it is...

Monday 6/1- Appointment with my normal OB's (who I love) and the ultrasound showed 2.9ish AFI (amniotic fluid) which is NO GOOD. I am normally around 7-9 (Not the greatest but better) The Doctor sent me down to Labor & Delivery triage to get some fluids and sent me home on bed rest. His biggest concern was was viability. Nolan's size at the time concerned him because even though he was over 24 weeks (viability) he still wasn't the size of a 24 weeker and he was worried about admitting me and having to do a c-section if his heart rate dropped and Nolan not making it. We decided that we would go back to Fetal Maternal (the one I didn't like) but I would see a different doctor to determine the next step. My OB was also concerned with his cord and lack of fluid and he was concerned something would happen with in the next 3-5 days. I told him he was nuts in a joking way and I wouldn't let that happen as I fought back tears.

So we went home and started my bed rest. I increased my fluids & protein, laid on my left side A LOT. This week was one VERY STRESSFUL week. I think we were at the hospital 4 out of 5 days, getting labs done, NST's for no fetal movement, steroid shots for his lung maturity and ect. So obviously every time they checked my blood pressure it was higher than normal but we chalked it up to stress and nerves. And on Wednesday it was 112/80 (normal) and it was taken after we had some decent news. SO, I just thought my BP was higher because of stress. On top of this, Chris was not sleeping at all. He was working night shifts all week but dragging me to all these appointments when he was suppose to be sleeping. Poor guy. But I do give him an award for not missing one single appointment or ultrasound the entire pregnancy. (We also have jobs that allow him to do so, thankfully)

Saturday night I went to bed with a decent headache which was abnormal for me. I also had new onset of heartburn this week, but again...another pregnant symptom and I ignored it.

Sunday, I was getting stubborn being on bed rest and wanted to go get a sub at Publix. I had a minor headache and thought what the heck I will check my blood pressure while I was there. The specialist did have me do a 24 hour urine to check for preeclampsia earlier in the week and I had just turned it in on Thursday so what would it hurt if they haven't called me yet with results? Since Chris was sleeping because he had to work I decided to escape the house. Right before I left, Mary called...I told her what was going on and she insisted on going to Publix for me and she also was bringing my grandpas BP machine over so I could check my BP.

Well the BP machine gave a reading of 183/112. Ya, no good. So I called the OB's and he told me to take some meds, lay down for 30 minutes and call back with a new reading. So 30 minutes later it was the same, so he told me to go back to L&D triage to be checked out. (They knew be by first name there...sad huh)

My BP readings weren't changing so he decided to admit me to monitor my BP, give some BP meds and do another 24 hour urine. I told him I had already done a 24 hr urine that FM ordered and turned that in 2 days ago so he went and checked that. He said my number was about 300 and that is borderline preeclampsia. He also said I had stumped him again with everything because ALL my labs were normal once again. I wasn't upset about being admitted, it actually made me feel better that they could keep a better watch on Nolan and me. BUT, I was going to miss another cardiologist appointment that we had scheduled in Tampa in the morning..once again I convinced Nolan didn't want us to see his heart.

Before going up to my room, my favorite FM Dr came in (sarcastic) She stressed for the 40th time that Nolan would not survive if he was born because he was too small, blah blah blah...they wouldn't be able to get an ET tube down him, blah blah blah. And she was SO CONCERNED about my headache. Well it was gone, thankfully b.c my OB said she would have whisked me right to c-section if I still had a headache. I was so freaking confused by all of this. Yes I work in medical but none of this was my area and wasn't making any sense to me.

The BP meds brought my BP down the first time I took them and the nurse even thought I would be discharged with PIH and on BP meds and I would do well on those. I was all comfy in my new room, Chris brought P.Js and my laptop so I was all set. The nurses were all so sweet and were very calming. I had NO WORRIES. Sure I had a high BP, but at least the meds were helping.

About 2am my headache came back and it was about time for another BP pill, so she gave it to me. My BP's never responded to the meds this time. I think I scared the poor tech taking my BP's out of the room because my BP was so high. So she drew my labs again, and called my OB back.

She returned with fluids and told me I could have nothing by mouth now. I knew exactly what this meant...he was worried the specialist was going to come in and c-section me. Little did I know. I then text Valorie and told her for the first time I thought I was going to loose it. She said she was just getting out of work and would be right there. I called my mom, but told her I had a feeling the specialist was going to come in and scare me again, but my OB wouldn't act prematurely so I would be okay.

Fast forward to 10 minutes later. 630am

The specialist came in and told me I am very sick and that we HAD to deliver Nolan. I absolutely lost it. She told me my morning labs showed my liver enzymes had shot up and I was in HELLP syndrome that is life threatening to me as the Mother. I STILL didn't believer her and I wouldn't consent to c-section until I saw my normal OB. I was convinced I could just be given some more meds, and monitored until Nolan found it ready to come out. (I had NO CLUE how serious HELLP was at the time)

With in 5 minutes, Dr F arrived. THANK GOD it was her, she knew EVERYTHING that Chris and I have been through. she knew how stubborn I was and how much I had fought for Nolan. She also knew how much hope we had that everything would be okay. So I knew what ever came out of her mouth would be what I would have to do.

YUP, she said it...We needed to deliver Nolan now to save my life. Seriously?! I had to trust her- she knew what was best. So she came in to check to see if he was still breech to decide if it would be an induction or c-section, he was breech so I had to have a c-section. She explained the HELLP syndrome a little more and said how the only cure is to deliver Nolan or else I can get even more sick and end up in ICU, on a vent or even need a liver transplant. Next thing I knew...4 nurses were in my room trying to prep me for the OR as I am balling my eyes out. I kept saying over and over, he's not ready, we have no name for him...this can't be happening. I'm sure the nurses we're ready to shoot me. Thank god for Valorie holding my hand through all this as Chris called all the family.

It seriously felt like I was living a dream. I would have laughed in your face if you told me 12 hours prior I would be delivering Nolan. I cried the entire way through the hallway and kept repeating 'We don't even have a name", and this is when Chris said..."do you want to name him Nolan? He's going to have to fight throught this..."

Holy crap! I wasn't going to let his one slip out of my hands. YES! But I still continued to cry up the elevator, through the pre-op and even as they finished my pre-op stuff. Thank GOD it was Dr F, she seemed to calm me somehow...I just felt safe. I knew I had to put everything in Gods hands. I knew Nolan would fight. The NICU knew we wanted everything done. I was convinced he was over 500g, so that made me feel a little better.

Next thing I knew...I was in the OR, I was asking annoying questions, trying to keep my mind settled. I was driving everyone crazy with questions as they prepped me. I wanted to know about the NICU team, the foley, the cuts. ANYTHING to calm me down. I hated my c-section. But the best part was hearing Nolan squeak when she pulled him out. The nurse came to let me know how well he was doing and that they WERE able to get a breathing tube in and that his APGARS were GREAT. Even Dr F was surprised and said some of her full term babies don't even get those APGARS. The rest of the surgery was a blur..but DR F told me later on that I wasn't the easiest to put back together so I guess that's why, they kept me pretty knocked out after THANK GOD.

You know the rest after since I was able to update. I am SO thankful I was able to have one of the 5 OB's on my team that was VERY VERY familiar with our case. It put me at ease. I kept telling her how thankful I was that she was there to deliver him, I probably told her over 50 times. But remember I was all on drugs too so I kept repeating myself. I'm so happy he showed everyone he was going to put up a fight and not give up right away. I love my little Nolan. I miss him more and more everyday. I can't stop asking, why us? We are healthy individuals that have been dreaming of being parents for a long time and couldn't wait to get that wedding over with. We wanted to start our family so bad, but now our family feels so empty without Nolan still here. TRUST ME, it's not the same visiting him in a memorial garden. We feel so empty. We went up there today to change out his flowers, the Florida heat is killing the pretty real ones, so for the time being he has a fake arrangement that I made with love.

It feels so weird not to be pregnant anymore. I don't have to wear my maternity clothes anymore, I can have a glass of wine and I can lay on my stomach, and no more bathroom breaks every 15 minutes. But all these things bring tears to my eyes because it reminds me how Nolan isn't here anymore. I am trying so hard to stay strong. Thankfully my body recovered from the c-section and HELLP fairly decently. My blood pressures have been great the past few days and I'm pretty much off all pain meds for my c-section. I am so happy I checked my blood pressure that Sunday, it enabled me to be admitted and they were able to catch the HELLP right when it started. It could have gotten way worse, and I could have gotten VERY sick. Nolan saved my life by coming out, and he sure did put up one good fight. I love you little guy.

Sorry this is so long.
More information about HELLP Syndrome if your curious about it.

Steps

One step in front of another, every single morning is a challenge. I hate mornings more than anything. It feels so good to sleep and dream, just dream about anything. But waking up and realizing reality feels like a knife in the heart all over again.

Today we are working on Nolan's old nursery. We decided not to paint over the beautiful blue we had started. I feel if we were to paint that room in a new color it feels like we are erasing part of Nolan, and I DO NOT want that feel to the room. So instead, we are not adding the wainscoting, and just painting the bottom half white, adding chair rail and still using the curtains we purchased for Nolan's nursery. We are going to go get our Nautical Chart framed this week and add a small plaque to the bottom that says, "In memory of our Ruby Baby, Nolan Micheal" or something along those lines. We bought a ceiling fan to install so my Dad can do that. I still plan on using Nolan's sailboat lamp in this room. I just want this room to be a place I can feel comfortable in and go to and think about my baby Nolan.

The ONLY thing I am going to sell is Nolan's bedding. His nautical anchor bedding. I can and never would use if for another child and I spent a pretty penny on it, Nolan is our one and only Ruby Baby. I know a lot of girls would love to get it for a cheaper price. So when I sell it, I will use the money towards Nolan's Guardian Angel Fund. It only seems right.

We know in the future when a baby sister or brother is on the way we MAY have to repaint again or what not, but for the time being this will be perfect. So THANK YOU Mom and Dad for taking care of this for Chris and I. It makes it so much easier on us. I wish that we were fixing up Nolan's nursery instead this week like we had planned, but that's not the case so this will have to do.

So I have to remember, one foot in front of the other. Trust me, it's hard, I hate it, and grieving sucks. Chris and I are so different when it comes to grieving and that's perfectly okay. And honestly, I am glad we are different because I need him to push me and get me out of bed every morning. I can't wait for the Ashley everyone knows to start shining through again. But I hope as my friends and family, you will hang in there with me and deal with me in the time being. I also can't wait for this blog to take a positive vibe to it, but as we know...this is all real, takes time and wont change over night.

Happy Father's Day

I just wanted to say Happy Father's Day to Chris, My Dad, Senior and Grandpa. I wish we could celebrate this day under better terms, but what we have to remember is Chris IS still a Father to our little fighter. We started out the morning by going to church and visiting our Nolan. We went shopping for a few odds and ends to fix up Nolan's spot later for later on tonight. He deserves only the best. We woke up this morning thinking we should be able to go visit Nolan in the NICU but you get reminded every morning, he's not there anymore. Instead, we have to go to a memorial garden to see him. I pray every night before I go to bed that when I wake up, the nightmare will be over. But it's been over a week and I think I am coming to terms that's not going to happen. I hate mornings.

Last night was bittersweet. My brother Charlie graduated from college with the same degree I did in Respiratory Care from the same program. It's the whole reason my family was originally flying down here in the first place. It was to celebrate Charlie's accomplishment, he also gave the class speech and mentioned our little fighter in it, which made me cry. He also won an award and I am so proud of him. And he's even one of the ones in his class to already have a full time job lined up. Congrats to you Charlie.

But last night was also my goal night I made for Nolan. Doctor's kept telling me that they thought Nolan was coming in 5-10 days. I kept telling them, "NO! He will come after my brother's graduation, so 14 days!" My one Doctor said he hoped he was wrong and I was right. I kept making 2 week goals for Nolan to stay in my belly. And Charlies graduation was the next goal because I would have been 28 weeks and Nolan would have been a little bigger and a little stronger. But instead, Chris and I went to visit him at his grave before the graduation. I NEVER would have thought that would be the case, he was suppose to still be in my belly for last nights graduation.

Last night also hurt because I always joked around with the other teacher I taught with who is also pregnant, saying we would be the 2 knocked up teachers at this years graduation. We were planning on taking our big ole belly pictures with our students. So it was real hard emotionally to realize I'm not in that spot anymore. I found it very hard to be in a huge group of people who all know what happened but are afraid to approach me in fears of not knowing what to say. I understand their feelings but it made me realize I'm nowhere ready to go back to work. It's just too fresh. I want nothing more than for Nolan to still be kicking around in my stomach. I wish my body never gave up. I know I shouldn't be beating myself up over it, but how can I not? My internal incubator gave up on Nolan. I know for a fact Nolan would have stayed put to grow in there longer if my body let him.

I'm looking forward to going to meet with my favorite Doctor this week to maybe look at some possibilities on why this happened and the odds of it happening again. We're also looking forward to meeting with a new specialist to look into some further testing so maybe we can figure out why my body did this. Nothing else matters in this world to Chris and I than to be parents. We can't wait until Nolan can have a sibling, it's very very important to us, but we have to find out if we can help prevent this from happening again.

So Happy Father's Day to all Fathers out there. Go give your little ones extra hugs and kisses for Chris's sake. Because I know he wants more than anything in this world right now is to do that very same thing. We should be hanging out in the NICU today, not a memorial garden.
I love you Chris and Happy First Father's Day. You were the best Daddy in the entire world and I fell in love with you all over again when I saw you look at Nolan the very first time.