How am I REALLY doing?

Ahhh. That question is asked all the time. Either it come from my Mom or a friend who I haven't talked to much the past few weeks or the cashier at Publix. Even though the feeling is always the same, the answer changes depending on the person. So I figured I would try to explain myself.

My close family and close friends
These are the people I talk to on an almost daily basis. They are familiar with the way I am grieving and can tell when I am having a bad day or "good day". I feel comfortable sharing my feelings with them. So when they ask, I can tell exactly how I feel and they understand. Actually, they don't really have to ask, they just know. This is my comfort zone. They understand my good days are just days I am distracted from the racing thoughts in my head.

People who I don't talk to often, or haven't seen since before Nolan
They always ask how I am doing, and honestly it's hard to say "good". I mean, if I say I'm doing "okay"..it doesn't mean I'm healed and this thing they call grieving is over. Do I really want to hash out all my true feelings? Naw, I spare them those since they can change on a dime. So my usual answer is... "so, so...same crap, different day" And if I am having a good day (smiling & laughing and enjoying myself) it does not by any means, make me all better. I have not forgotten nor stopped feeling the emptiness of Nolan. He is and always will be in my mind and heart. They say "time heals" but it really doesn't. What I have come to realize is, it just means your bad days come less. You have a few more good days in between your bad days. The feelings of unfairness, jealousy and emptiness NEVER have left my heart, well at least they haven't just yet. Will they ever? Who knows?

To the long time friend I have run into, but didn't even know we were pregnant, but asks whats new in our life...
Well this is a hard one. It's happened twice so far. They get all excited and say..."Yay your married finally!!! What else is new?" or "How has life been treating you lately?" How can I lie to them and say "GREAT!" or "Not much really"...I honestly wish I could, but how can I when Chris and I have gone through HELL in the past few weeks. But I also can't pretend like Nolan never happened. He did, he was 13oz of pure joy and IS my son. Does a mother who lost her son/daughter years later ever forget their son/daughter?....NO. So why should I? Why should I lie and pretend he was never here. So yes, both times...I have told them about Nolan. May it be too much to throw on someone and out them in a possible awkward situation, maybe? BUT, I LOOOOVE talking about Nolan- so I just tell it how it really is, a very simple & bittersweet version. Does it put the person in a semi awkward position? Sure, but I don't have the guilt of not acknowledging my Nolan.

The cashier that says... How you doing?
Well they get the lie... I smile and say "good"... I don't need a pity party. But what they don't know is, I'm dying inside. I just walked through the store avoiding the baby aisles, running into pregnant women and then slapped in the face with a family/baby magazine in the cashier lane...so if I told the truth...it would just be too much. And who says they are having a crappy day anyways? I guess now I think it's a stupid generalized question to ask, but I did it too as a cashier. But now I realize I bet a lot of people lie when asked this simple question. You never know what a particular person is fighting in life.


This was just all on my mind as I realize I get asked the same question a lot, but my answer changes depending on who asks. Bizarre I know, but it is, what it is.

I'm learning how to live "new normal". I'm not the same "exact" Ashley I was before this happened and I hope people will understand this and embrace me the same as they did before. I am more humbled, quiet and life had taken on a new meaning to me. Anything can happen at any time. I was the first person to think "this won't happen to us" and it did. I'm still in shock at times that this really happened. You think I wanted to wear these "new shoes" that mothers with empty arms wear? NO. I still feel like I am suppose to be getting ready for my baby to arrive. I am still in a "mommy mode" I don't have desire to party or "go out" because I know if Nolan was here, that's not what I would be doing. This probably makes no sense, but I know it does to the Mom's that are in this. I just want my baby back, and I just want to be his mommy here on Earth. This is just a lot to take in, and it's going to take time.

Dear Nolan,

I miss you little guy. I don't know what it is about today but I'm missing you sooo much this afternoon- I'm feeling it more today I guess. Maybe it's because everywhere I turn, a baby is in my face, or a pregnant mom is walking by and friends are having babies. It makes me miss you 100 times more when I see that.

I feel like I'm your Mommy but your invisible and only I know about you. It hurts, I should be putting you in the cart when I go grocery shopping or carrying you into restaurants to show you off to friends at dinner. I want to talk about you and brag about you, but don't want to put others in a uncomfortable situation. You are my son, and I loved every single minute I got with you. I am so proud of your courageous fight you put on. You showed those specialist that you would survive, may it be for 3 short days..but you did prove them all wrong.

I ended up crying at church the other morning at Mass. Father Bob called all the kiddies (all ages) and expecting Moms up to the alter give them all a special blessing after the communion. It was so sweet to watch all the 3 and 4 year olds run up there. And to see all the Moms carrying newborns, or all the Moms with big ole bellies go up to the front. And one by one, he gave a special blessing to every single child and expecting Mom that morning. I wanted so badly to be up there because I too have a son, you. But instead you are outside in a Memorial Garden and in my necklace. Should I have gone up there and had my necklace blessed, I'm sure Father Bob wouldn't have thought twice about it, but I didn't feel like I belonged in that group anymore and I want to so badly. Tears and lots of them just rolled down my face quietly wishing I still had you here with us.

I would never wish my experience on anyone, but I want them to know how much it hurts me for them to have what we don't. But then I don't want our pain to lessen their happiness because I would feel even worse. It sucks the big one, no question. I need your strength to get me through these feelings.

This month is going to be so hard on me Nolan. All my friends are having their babies, and it makes me wish you were here that much more. I want to be awaiting your arrival just like they are. But instead I am learning how to live my life with out you. You make it so hard on me mister, you were so dang cute and perfect looking, I still can't figure out why God chose you to take home.

I made a new flower arrangement for your stone at the Garden. I did it in your favorite colors and added an anchor. It's the same anchor that was on Mommy & Daddy's wedding cake. I still haven't taken your picture away because I like that people get to visually see what a miracle you were when they see it since they notice you were only 3 days old. And trust me, many people have approached me after church while I am visiting you saying they have said special prayers for us. It's very sweet. I promise when the weather is more tolerable, I will make sure you have real flowers all the time.

I need a special request from you..
Mommy's bestest friend Valorie's little boy Cyrus is going into the hospital tomorrow to get a cath in his heart. We are hoping and praying he doesn't need a replacement. I promised Valorie that I knew you would keep an extra special eye out for him and be his guardian angel. Can you do that for Mommy?

I love you Nolan, and that love grows stronger everyday. Which is why I seem to miss you more and more as the days pass. It's hard to think it's almost been 2 months, the time is flying. So keep an eye out for that special healthy little brother or sister for you and you can send him our way when it's time.

I love you so much baby, I just wish you were here, here in our arms. Give me the strength and peace to start accepting that I have to wait to once hold you again.

Love,
Your Mommy

I'm also adding an urgent prayer request for Stellen. His story can be read here

I'm tagged

It's my first time getting tagged and I am so excited!!

Here are the rules to this tag:
1. Mention and link back to the person that tagged you. (I was tagged by Tania at http://journeytotogether.blogspot.com. Thanks Tania!!)
2. List 6 little things that make you happy.
3. Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know "They're it".

There are a lot of things that make me happy so I will have to narrow then down. So here they are :)

1. My Husband- Chris
They say opposites attract and that sure is the truth. Chris is my perfect balance. I am hyper, crazy wife and he is the laid back, easy going husband type. He makes me so happy. I am so happy that we are on this journey together because he IS my best friend. I tell him absolutely everything. He is my rock in life. He knows how to make me smile, pick me up on a bad day, and enjoy life to the fullest together. I am so happy we are able to spend the rest of our lives together. He also gave me the greatest gift, our son Nolan.
2. My precious angel, Nolan
I always thought the saying, you have never loved as much until you have loved your child. And HOLY COW it is so the truth. Our son, Nolan makes me so happy because he taught me unconditional love. I never knew of this love before, it is a different love than you have for your Husband or family. Thinking of him may make me happy & sad, but that is only because I wasn't ready for him to go to heaven. But those 3 days he was here, I was the HAPPIEST mother. My son makes me happy because I KNOW one day we will be together again and I WILL be able to hold him in my arms. He makes me happy because, he made me a mother that I have been longing to be.

3. Our Church & My Faith
Our Church, Blessed Pope John XXIII makes me happy. I have not always been the best Catholic because I rarely went to church but that has now changed. Our church accepted us with open arms like we had been a part of their family for years when Nolan went to Heaven. I now go to Church every week and it really does make me happy. It's bizarre how every week something gives me a sign that I will get through this. My faith will get me through this hard time and I DO have faith we will be parents to a healthy baby one day.

4. Cruising
There's something about getting on a huge boat and floating around in a huge body of water that makes me happy. Chris and I are absolute cruise addicts. I guess it helps that we live 2 hours from the port so it's an easy vacation. But cruising means a lot to us. It was our first vacation ever together in 2003. We got engaged on a cruise. We got married by the Captain on another cruise and started our family on that very same cruise. Our life is cruising! Our dream, we would LOVE to go on the world cruise that's gone for months traveling to places all over the globe.

5. Photography

It's a new hobby of mine. I have plans to turn it into a mini career one day when I get better. I would love to photograph families and weddings. I have always been the camera whore at parties but now that I have better equipment, I have a chance to make this a business one day. It makes me so happy when I take a photo and the person absolutely falls in love with it. I can't wait to capture peoples memories and document special times in their lives.(A photo I took from Kate's wedding)

6. My Career
Honestly, my job does make me happy, and the fact I have a job in this economy also makes me thankful. I am glad I chose a career that I do love. Being a respiratory therapist is a very rewarding job. I'm sure the fact that most my best friends also work with me make it that much better.

I'm adding one more... because I can.
7. MY FAMILY & FRIENDS
My Mom, Dad, sisters and brother and my in laws all make me happy. My family can always make me laugh and regardless the situation, they know how to make me feel better. And to my friends (Internet friend especially) I love you guys soooo much! You cheer me up on bad days, and make me laugh on good days. Your support through the past month and a half had been outstanding. All the flowers, cards, keepsake jewelry and money raised for us and for Nolan's fund has been AMAZING! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! You guys sure do know how to make me smile.

Blogs I tagged:
Lauren: http://laurensblog.greenfamily.net/
Katy: http://k-k-k-katy.blogspot.com
Lisa: http://jasperthomas.blogspot.com/
The Freemans: http://www.kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/
Myles Mom: http://myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com/
Moira's Mom: http://alison-ourlittlefamily.blogspot.com/

An un-happy birthday

Well tomorrow is my birthday and there is only 1 thing I want for my birthday this year. We all know what that is, and it is impossible to make happen, so I just sit here in a "rut".To make it worse, Chris works tomorrow night. Last years birthday was crazy and fun and when I thought of this years birthday, I thought..."Wow this will be the first birthday we keep it low key, maybe a nice dinner" But that was 3 months ago when I thought that. That was when Nolan was still growing in my belly and we still thought he was healthy as can be. That was when I felt no anxiety & worry. It was before I knew Nolan was measuring small. It was the happiest time of my pregnancy. It was when I still had carefree excitement, before I recieved these "new shoes" I now wear.

In the past year, I turned 25, had my bridal shower, bachelorette party, went on a cruise, got married, got pregnant, celebrated my first Mother's Day, had a son, became a Mother and buried my son. All of the good things are still good, but the one bad thing over shadows it all. I hope the ripe age of 26 brings me a happy year, I need it. The age of 26 will bring me a lot of empty milestones without Nolan. I am not looking forward to these. I have a feeling this year will be an empty year.

Little did I know, my birthday would be spent without Nolan. I NEVER ever ever thought this would happen to us, but it did. "Never say never"
So my birthday wish for this year....
Well I can't tell you or it won't happen. Sorry.

Sun from Heaven

Ever since I was a little girl, every time the sun shined down through the clouds with rays, I always said it was God or an angel in Heaven looking down on someone. Well tonight was our first "NICU loss group therapy" and it's at Healthpark (the hospital I had Nolan at). I have had anxiety of going there only for the fact, that is where I was the entire time Nolan was alive. It's all I know of Nolan.

So on the way there, I am convinced Nolan was telling me it's okay and to be strong. Chris was sleeping while I was driving so he missed it. But it's just what I needed to give me that extra strength to be brave and step into HP. Call me stupid, but it's my way of thinking he is "with me"

Our wedding video

Here is our wedding video that Valorie just finished!! I love it! I wish we could go back and do it all over again, best wedding ever! It's where the story of Nolan started...(sniff sniff)

Yes those are Ruby Slippers I got from Chris before the wedding, I always wanted to be Dorthy and what better time than on the Ruby Princess. I also had a Dorthy garter and the bridesmaids walked down the aisle to a piano version of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow". I know, I'm a dork, and I don't care.

Faith

I wish someone could just reassure me that next time, we won't have to face this and we will be bringing a baby home. But there are no promises in life and I have to come to grips with that. I have to rely on my faith. It drives me insane not having Nolan still here. It hurts knowing my journey with him is no longer a journey. It's now a story, a story of Nolan.

I miss him. I sat at his stone/grave today for a long time talking to him and playing his favorite songs on my iPhone. I wish I could be driving to Healthpark to go see him right now instead. It just seems so unfair that we are going through this. We should be where all other happy soon to be Mom & Dads are. We should be packing hospital bags and finishing up last details. Instead we are grieving our son who came 14 weeks too early.

I am just so scared we will be faced with this again. I know a lot of friends say "you will have a baby one day" but that doesn't fix what we are going through because that is no guarantee. I want my baby back, no other baby will ever fix not having Nolan.

So I just have to keep telling myself..."Our time will come, and when it does...we will be the best gosh darn parents ever!"

I have to keep faith that our time will come. In the meantime, I will take each day one day at a time. Even sometimes, that seems too much and I just take it minute by minute. Our life has taken a huge reality check, not everything goes as planned. This can only make us stronger and prepare us to be the best parents in the future.

I have faith that one day, we will be bringing a baby home to their nursery. I have faith my body won't give up because we will know the signs to look for. I have faith that Nolan will look down on us and bless us with the most perfect little brother or sister. I have faith we will be one of the parents at church getting their newborns baptized on Sundays. I have faith. Faith will get me through this.

Empty Milestones

Thanks to thebump.com email yesterday and to a pregnant friends FB status stating what week pregnant she is today, I just was re informed I would have been 32 weeks this week. No big deal right? I would have been 31 one last week so why does 32 bother me?

32 weeks was one of the Dr's goal weeks for me. She said, if we can just get you to 32 weeks and deliver, I would be happy. 32 weeks would be a good and safe week to deliver tiny Nolan. His small size suggested he would do better growing in the NICU than in my "poisoned body" after 32 weeks.

I wish more than anything, he still was in my body. I wish I was going to Dr appointments scheduling an induction right now. I wish I still felt his kicks. The worst feeling is the world is when for 1/100th of a second, I feel a "kick" and I get a relief feeling until 1/50th of a second later I realize it's not real and just my belly having bubbles or something. I hate it. It reminds me how I am not pregnant anymore.

I'm just missing Nolan so much right now. A lot of things are reminding me of him and reminding me how I am not pregnant anymore. August and September are going to be very hard months.August brings babies for all my pregnant friends and September brings my due date. The month I had spent to much time daydreaming about. The month that felt like it was 5 years away when we first found out I was pregnant. I wish I could just fast forward through them and move on. But I have to experience all these feelings and go through the motions to help heal. I HATE IT.

I'm just overwhelmed with feelings and emotions and REALITY with the situation in hands. I want my Nolan back here with me. I want to feel like the Mom I am suppose to be. I just want my son.