'THAT' Mom

Just sitting here at work and I was thinking...

I was THAT mom. I was the one that the NICU got a call that morning of the 8th saying they have a 26 weeker coming, get ready. And not only was Nolan 26 weeks, he was the size of a 20 week baby! So yes, I am THAT mom who gave birth to the baby the NICU staff probably got a little anxious about when they got the call.

And I do remember, as I was laying on the OR table asking Dr F if the NICU team was there yet. Who knows, I obviously knew that they would be there but it was like I needed to know they would be.

Why am I thinking this? Well as a therapist who did time in the NICU and did a lot of deliveries as a student, I remember THOSE moments. I remember the therapists saying "Ahh this is no good, a 25 weeker is coming in" I never would have thought I would have been that person, how naive. (Yup, that's me on the right, 4 years ago getting ready for a baby coming from a c-section)

I remember the first 25 weeker I helped deliver. I remember them telling the Mom he might not be big enough and to pray he is over 500g. Wow... 4 years later, I am that very same Mom. Nolan was 368g!

I also remember my second trip to the NICU to visit Nolan, I ran into a therapist I knew who was working with Nolan. He just looked at me like holy crap, why are you here!? So I tell him and he asks what baby is mine. Ummm, the smallest one in here. And the look in his eyes, I knew what he was thinking. My son probably gave him one good heart attack when he came out and they were trying to get his airway. I am SO THANKFUL that they tried, because it proved to the fetal specialist that he had a chance. Thank the Lord!

So anyways, I was just sitting here thinking about that day. I guess I was putting myself into the therapists shoes that got to work on Nolan. I wonder what was running through their head. I didn't think much about it at the time, because honestly I didn't care about all the details. I was there as a Mom, I was not there to read ABG's or look at his vent settings, because I was there just to be with him. So now, probably because I am back working, I wonder what the therapists that took care of Nolan thought about him. I mean, I think about my patients and my critical ones... you can watch the path they are heading on and sometimes predict the outcome. I wonder if they predicted Nolan's outscome. Seriously, he was pretty darn amazing to make it those 3 days... why not a million more?

A blessing

When things like this happen, you feel very alone in the world. I felt like Chris and I had our world turned upside down and time stopped for us, while others where in the complete opposite. It's hard to relate with people after loosing your baby because you really do feel like your world is frozen in time. How would they ever understand anyways? They are experiencing the most exciting time in their lives while I sit here in my sorrows. You end up feeling very isolated.

But then when times were at their worst, a few blessings came into my life. When I lost Nolan, I joined a club I didn't ask to be in. I joined a club that no one thinks about until they are pushed into the club themselves. This club has no name because it's a club that has no words but has feelings. Feelings that every single person in this club is familiar with... loosing your child.

Since Nolan passing, God has sent me a few very precious friends. One of them is Amy and she is Kalli's mom. Kalli was a precious baby girl who was brought into this world for the same reasons Nolan was... Preeclampsia. Both Kalli and Nolan we born in week 26, and were almost the same size. Kalli was also a very brave little girl that fought so hard in the NICU. But just like Nolan, her little body couldn't put up the fight and she went to be with Nolan just 5 days after being born.

Amy was placed in my life and she is a true blessing to me. We have never met and never even knew of each others existence until a mutual friend brought us together. Amy lost Kalli just 4 weeks after I lost Nolan, so our friend asked if she could share my blog with her as maybe it would help her. We since have then connected on Facebook and have now shared a bond that only we can understand. I have someone to go through this journey of grieving with. She understands me, just as I understand her. Our stories are so similar down to the minute we both lost our babies, she also lost Kalli while watching her code right in front of her. I wish we could have met under different circumstances, but God put us together for a reason. We are here to get each other through this.

Amy, you are a blessing in my life and I know that Kalli and Nolan are holding hands up there in Heaven and looking down on us. I know this. We will hold our babies for eternity when it's our time to go, I have faith in this. Father Bob talked about our "faith journey" this past Sunday at church, and I honestly believe I have started my journey when this happened. I don't go to church because I have to, I go because I want to now. I go because I have to have faith in what I believe in. I am going to do everything in my power to have faith that I know I am doing everything to get to Heaven and hold my baby when that day comes. Thank you God for placing Amy in my life who is on this VERY same faith journey, we can do this together since we both have the same exact views. As Amy said, you can't hope...you have to KNOW that we will be there one day.

"Keep walking, you may trip and so will I. I am just glad that I found you to catch me and you have me to catch you. Sometimes we will fall together and that is when our babies will hold us tight"

That was one of Amy's sweet messages left of my facebook on one of my harder days. I love you Amy!

I am thankful for the friends that I have been connected with since June. As though I wish we could be friends under different circumstances. But these are the friends that "get it" these are the friends you can talk to that can actually say... "I know how you feel" They are the friends you can call and as bizarre as your feelings are, they can assure you that your feelings are normal, because they, themselves had the very same feelings. These friends are also the ones that give hope that with in time, it will get a little easier. Thank you for putting Johanna and Nikki in my life. Because of them, I know what I am going through is normal not I am not going crazy.

I have also come across MANY other baby loss mama's that have blogs. These blogs are ones I would never think about reading before this journey, but now I can't get enough of them. I have been introduced to the world of loss. As we are all in the same spot. Maybe different reasons caused us to be here, but we all have one thing in common, we have a baby in Heaven. And we all have the same questions, fears, hopes and prayers. I couldn't imagine going through this alone, and as we all know the world is not perfect. I am thankful for being connected to these new friends because they really know that our good days are just days the pain is dull.

Answers Part 1

Thank you for all the questions you guys sent me, and I look forward to more. So keep them coming! Chris and I also got our anchor tattoos, I'll post pictures soon!

I noticed a fund through your church, how does that work?

We started that fund when we were in the stages of planning Nolan's memorial service. Our church was more than generous when it came to funds, so this was our way of giving back. They brought up the idea of a guardian angel statue to put in the memorial garden where Nolan now rests. So the statue will be in Nolan's memory. I just posted the address to the church where donations could be sent, and the response was incredible. I am happy to announce the statue has been delivered and we will be helping the church when they go to place it in the garden and we might do a small little ceremony. I can't wait.

What is your favorite snack food?

Hmmm, this is a hard one because it changes all the time. Currently, my guilty pleasure is oreos. But my healthy snack is fruit, especially watermelon. Yum!

What is your favorite memory of those 3 precious days when Nolan was fighting his courageous battle?

I am so happy I wrote in my blog while I was at the hospital because now I know I will never forget how I was feeling at that very moment. Now that I look back, the memories kind of blur together. So I would have to say my favorite memory is when I got to watch him and marvel at how perfect he was. I felt like my world was as perfect given the situation the night I was able to change his diaper, take his temperature, lift him up, hold his vent tubing when they changed his linens, wash his face and clean his tiny mouth. I am SO happy we got pictures of this, because little did I know it would be my last time ever. It was a feeling of accomplishment and tremendous amounts of hope we had for him that made us feel so complete as a family.


Would you consider yourself a dog or a cat person (or neither)?
Definitely dog! I am super allergic to cats, so I hate cats.

what was one of your favorite memories of being pregnant?
I have a few favorite memories. One would be when I could get him to move around just by playing Bob Marley music, I miss feeling him move so much! I loved the excitement and impatience you feel when your pregnant.

Besides being premature, what else caused all this to occur?
I wish this was an answer I could answer, it's honestly one big mystery to us. This is what I know...
Most likely the biggest culprit of this was the Preeclampsia. They believe that some preeclampsia cases are just set in stone and are determined early in pregnancy even though it doesn't present until later. So we knew Nolan was behind in growth since week 16 of pregnancy and it was most likely due to my blood vessels constricting and cutting off nutrients to him from my placenta.

The slow growth caused him to be the size of a 21 week baby. Nolan should have been a lot bigger for his gestational size, that's why I was so determined to get him to at least 32 weeks so he might have been 2lbs and was a little bigger. But the preeclampsia snuck up on us out of nowhere and he had to come out at 26 weeks.

He was VERY tiny to begin with, only 13 ounces. Luckily I did get the steroid shot 3 days prior to help his lung development. Honestly, the Dr's didn't think they would even be able to get an airway in that small of a baby, but they did! He had the normal preemie NICU things happen. Blood transfusions, blood pressure meds, ventilator and I was okay with that. He took a turn for the worse out of nowhere. I was just visiting him less than 2 hours before he coded. The neonatologist called me a few days later to talk and he believes Nolan got septic and his little body couldn't;t fight it. The other neonatologist believes that his lungs were just simply underdeveloped and super super tiny compared to what they should have been. So he had no reserve in his lungs to help him overcome any humps, and ultimately made him code.

We decided against the autopsy, honestly there is nothing that they could tell me to make me feel better. He was truly a miracle just to survive those 3 days. But I truely thought from the bottom of my heart that he was going to survive the NICU roller coaster. I never thought I would be the Mom going through this.

I find out Sept 3rd if I have any underlying disorders that may have caused all of this to happen. I'm crossing my fingers for an answer, but if its's all negative...this is one mystery that will haunt me for a long time. Why? Why? Why?!

Books & Tats

I should be going to Barnes and Noble to get books on baby's first year or parenting books, but instead I am going there to get the book "90 Minutes in Heaven". This book was suggested by another baby loss mama and she said it really helped her with the grieving process. My other near dear friend said after she lost her son, she read a lot of books on Heaven because she wanted to know everything she could about where her sweet angel was spending his time. So getting this book and maybe a few others will help me understand and cope with what has happened. I do think it is extremely unfair I am going to get books about my baby dying vs a book that helps me parent through the first year. I hate this! I hate this! and did I say... I freaking hate this!

On a totally different note, Chris is going to go get his tattoo today of the anchor he has been wanting. A few close friends donated some cash to help him get his tattoo shortly after Nolan. I can't wait to see how it turns out. And for some shocking news.......(brace yourself Mother)...I *MIGHT* get one too. I have NEVER been a tattoo type person, but always thought it would be cool to get one. But I was always worried about regretting it, but with the meaning behind this one, how could I regret it? It would be in honor of my precious Nolan. So if I do this, it will be a very small one on my inner wrist. Why inner wrist? Its small and a lot of people will see it, and when they ask about it, I will be given the chance to talk about my sweet Nolan. That's honestly the whole reason I am actually considering this. So I have a few ideas of what I want, obviously including an anchor...so let's see if I end up chickening out.

P.S. Don't hate me Mom!

One lovely blog

I want to thank Nikki (Myles Mom) for nominating my blog for this award. Nikki and I have almost the same exact story, minus a few details. But if you watch both our videos, it's eerily similar. I take great pride in sharing my angels story. I never had the intentions for this blog to turn into what it has become, but I am now able to share my son's couragous story with the world.

Myles Video click here

The rules of the award are to accept it, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link, and then pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered.

I have MANY blogs I would love to nominate, but I don't want to pick a few over others. But there is one blog that I came across before Nolan was born. I came across Kayliegh's blog when I first googled IUGR back in May. Her blog was one of the first google results that popped up. I saw that she was born weighing a pound and had a heart defect just like my Nolan and had survived what all Doctors said she wouldn't. I found her story so inspiring and took that hope to every single Dr's appointment from there on. Sadly, Kayliegh went to be with the other angels after almost a year of surviving the NICU roller coaster, shortly after I had come across her blog, but her parents hope, faith and love gave me the hope that I needed to fight for my Nolan. Thank you Adam & Aimee for sharing your precious daughters story, because of your family, I was able to have hope. Thank You.

Really?!

I am a little upset that people seem to think I am suppose to be the same person I used to be. I am in the process of a thing they call grieving, I am not going to be all smiles all the time or be all excited about certain things. I am different now. I am more of a quiet person and probably will be for awhile. It doesn't mean I can't preform my job or go out and have a good time still. I am just more to myself now. I will never be "better" I will have more normal days inbetween my bad days. But my normal days I WILL seem different because I AM different. So if they can't accept that, oh well because that is who I am right now.

I am a hard worker and know I do a good job. If I didn't the girls in the ER wouldn't be begging for me to come back. I consider myself kind and caring with my patients regardless of my situation. Just because I don't go skipping down the hall while I work doesn't mean I will preform ANY different than before. I love my job and I love what I do. I love working the ICU's and ER and I love the people I work with and honestly I think I will be more distracted at work in a good way when I get to have my favorite assignments back. But for the time being, I am working the assignments that make me feel blah, I am not as excited to go to work because I am not doing the part I love doing.

Of course the assignments I love, do work a lot with the same situation that Nolan was in but I have to face it and deal with it. I feel I bring more to the table now in those situations because I can relate with the family more than I ever was able to before.

You want to know why this week has been so hard for me and I why I have had a quiet week? It's hard because I realized my "babyless maternity leave" has ended. While on the other hand my 2 close friends just started thiers this week. Also in the meantime, I am still suppose to be pregnant, my due date was 9/13!! So I have given birth, lost my baby, returned to work before my friends even started their leave. And I want so BADLY to be in the same spot they are in right now. It's what is bothering me more than returning to work. That is the god to honest truth what I am struggling with more this week. But instead I had to return to work and face all the awkwardness of people. It's not so much of the actual job responsibility, it's the fact of returning to work made me feel like I am suppose to be "over" what happened that past 2.5 months.

So, meet the new Ashley. Hi, I am a quieter version of the old me, more reserved. I struggle daily with the emptiness of my son and what I don't have, it is on my mind every second of every day. That will NEVER leave me so learn to deal with the new me. I am not the party Ashley you remember me as, I am now more of a homebody and prefer to stay home. Be prepared for me to have bad days or not feel like talking to people. I have a very small circle of friends/family that I feel comfortable opening up to on my terms. Sometimes saying nothing at all but knowing that you are here if I need you is all I need. And I want you to ask about Nolan or my pregnancy or what happened... I like to talk about him, BUT...also don't expect me to always start that conversation. I still think of myself as the Mom that should still have my son with us and taking care of him. Instead I make flower arrangements for my son while I watch my friends get to be the mother I am dying to be. The new me still loves my career, it's my passion to do what I do and take pride in working the ER and ICU's. I still have ALL intentions if working in the NICU after I heal more and hopefully have another healthy child, I feel like I have a side of the field that not just any regular person that hasnt been through this can understand. Of anything, I think my experience can only make me a better therapist.

I got this from another blog I read and she got it the same way, so I am not sure who to give credit to, but I wanted to post it because I really think it says what I feel.

Wish List for Bereaved Parents

I wish my child hadn't died, I wish I had him back.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief, I thank you for both.

I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, or other remembrances from your home.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me, I need you now more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know you might pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card, note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in a short period of time. I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. Grief is a life long process.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice, however, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain.

....BUT…I pray daily that you will NEVER understand.

Questions

I have been wanting to do this for awhile now, so what better time than now. I have noticed we have a lot of readers and I know many of them are ones that just happened to come across my blog on accident, or found it while reading another blog, or just by chance. I know as a reader to many other blogs, I often find my self curious about the writer and always have random questions floating in my head. And some of my favorite posts are when they do this very same thing on their blog.

So I want to open the floor up for my readers to ask me any question and then I will take those questions and make a post answering them to the best of my ability. You can ask me anything you wish and it can be about me, Chris & I, Nolan, our experience, our relationship, a random question, a question about something I mentioned in a previous post... I don't care. I look forward to the questions.

You can either leave your questions in a comment on my blog or email me at nolesgirl724@yahoo.com

Perfect

(Click on the picture...its WAY better blown up)

I was outside playing with my new camera lens getting ready for a photo shoot I am doing with Val's boys this afternoon and look who came by for a visit. Perfect!