Ahoy.

I remember when my best friend Val had these made. I squealed in excitement when I saw them for the first time. (Yes I know I am addicted to anything nautical) I actually had a blog post saved in a draft to share this with you back in May. But then with all of Nolan's scares, we put the shower off and I decided not to share the invite at that time. Gosh, never did I expect to deliver Nolan a week before my baby shower was suppose to be.

Anyways, I just wanted to share with you how PERFECT his baby shower invites were.

So if I ever get anywhere near as far to have a bay shower in the future. I think I will decline and wait and have a 'Welcome Home Baby' party instead.

Mail Day

Thank you Huggies, Gerber & Enfamil for sending me your stupid coupons, congratulation cards and constant reminders of your new products. Oh and don't forget stupid Babies R Us and their daily junk mail. Why don't these places have an "emergency cancel" option for Mom's like us. I just don't get it. I have cancelled anything I had signed up for, but of course it still finds it's way to our mailbox. The ones I hate are the ones that say, congrats on your recent baby who is now 2 months old!

STOP, please just STOP! I hate checking them mailbox now. I can seriously go for days and not check it. It drives Chris nuts, but it gives me too much anxiety.

On top of this, I got more medical bills in the mail and new ones at that. Yup, the amniocentesis bill FINALLY showed up. For awhile there I thought we got luck and insurance covered most of it. Boy do I have that wrong. The bill is bigger than my C-section co-pay!

I am just SO OVER this nightmare and ready for it to be over.

Memorial Garden visits

So Chris and I took a bike ride to visit Nolan 2 days ago. We do it often, but this was the first time we have done it in a few weeks. Yup, its 8 miles there so that gives us a total of 16 full miles that I am huffing and puffing through. The only way I make it is because I know that the half way point is visiting Nolan. But by time I get there, you find me looking like this. It kills me that I am exercising and laying in front of my baby's resting spot, but it's something I am learning to live with. You would think I would be at a park laying on a blanket or running with him in a jogging stroller (Well, okay... maybe that's pushing it) but we aren't.
While we were at the church we stopped in to see the progress on Nolan's Guardian Angel statue and infant memorial area for the garden. I am happy to announce that Nolan's statue is in. It's so beautiful, I thank EVERYONE who contributed to something that means so much to us. They are waiting for the stand to come in. Then she showed me the plans that have drawn up for the garden and area around the statue and it's absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to see it all done. I PROMISE to update you guys as soon as I know when they will do the blessing and everything so if you want to come, you can.

Also, they informed us of a All Souls Day-Litany of the Saints service that they are holding out in the Memorial Garden on Nov 2nd at 7pm. It's going to be a mass outside with luminary candles and such in memory of all those laid to rest with Nolan in the garden. So we will definitely be attending that.

Look, as I was cleaning and re-organizing our kitchen... I put all the cards we received in the past few months in a box and was amazed at how many there were. Sure, I knew there was a lot...but WOW... when you see them all together it's pretty amazing. I make it a goal of mine to go back and read through each and everyone of them at some point in the future. Back in June & July a lot of the messages sent just kind of blurred together so I would like to go back and reread them. I hope to do this by Nolan's first birthday.
I am still real down about the upcoming holidays that I talked about in my last post. It's something that I am learning all baby loss mom's and familes experience. I guess it's just a hard time of year for all us. I hope friends and family understand our feelings and emotions at this time of year. God bless.

Holidays

They say the year of "firsts" is the worst. I hadn't put much thought to it until last night and sure enough, the tears came once again. The whole Halloween thing has been bothering me lately. Everything about it...costumes in the stores, friends kids dressing up, baby filled pumpkin patches and a lot more. I am just not excited about it. I should be walking a stroller with all my friends with a dressed up little Nolan while their kids run door to door trick o treating. I was so excited for this especially since I had Nolan's first Halloween off from work, so I knew I would be able to attend this year. Well obviously, now it is the last thing I want to do.

Chris is driving to Tallahassee to visit his best friend and go to a Halloween party too, I was planning on tagging along but my spirits are just down and I think I would be better off staying home and hanging out with my Mom who will be in town for her last night. At this rate, I much rather be working... imagine that.

As for Thanksgiving.. well it's not bothering me too much since #1 we haven't had a big TG in the past few years anyways and #2 we happen to be booked for a cruise over TG this year. We didn't do this on purpose, I didn't even realize it when I booked the dates. So I guess this year will be spent sailing the seas and looking out in the horizon wondering how far my little Nolan really is.

Christmas, honestly.... how about you let me sleep through it. Chris is working both Eve & Christmas so not only will we not have Nolan here for his first Christmas, my family is not all here yet. I am hoping I get scheduled to work both just so I don't have to sit in my house or at my Aunt's in tears staring at an X-mas tree that Nolan should be sitting near and getting pictures.

Call me crazy, but I do think about these things. I would go to midnight mass, but once again, I'll be alone since Chris is working. I usually put up our Xmas tree early every year because I get bored at night and it's usually up before TG. This year we had planned on getting a real tree, since it was Chris' tradition growing up and he wanted to do it for Nolan's first Christmas. But in all honestly, I have no desire to even put up the fake one.. not even lights. This is SO not me. Bah-humbug.

The ONLY and ONE "holiday" I was looking forward to was New Year's Eve. I was pregnant last year and worked that night and celebrated with my coworkers. We actually found out the day before Dec 30th we were pregnant. Not sure why I am looking forward to this years, maybe because it's an adult type holiday, one we would leave Nolan with my parents for the night maybe but 99% of the reason is celebrating kissing 2009 GOODBYE. 2009 has been absolute HELL for us, my family and my best friend. I think I only enjoyed Jan-May 7th (happy pregnancy days) and June8-10th (Nolan was with us).

Other than that... I wish I could erase the rest out of my mind.
A rough pregnancy with Nolan
Losing Nolan
Dad loses Job
Dad gets very sick and needs open heart
Valorie finds out Cyrus needs Open Heart (His story here)
A week before Cyrus open heart, she gets appendicitis and has surgery. ....

I would normally say it can't get any worse, but I stopped saying that. Dad hasn't even had his surgery yet, we still have jobs and are "healthy" so I hope it stays that way. I'm just bumming because I found out I will be working on New Years Eve. It's just something I have to accept, too many people want it off for me to have it off, but I wish I could pay someone a million dollars to work for me. Then Val and I could still have our kiss 2009 goodbye NYE party. We had so many good ideas.

So now I am in the process of convincing everyone to have a change in plans and have a Welcome 2010 Party on January 1st 2010. Maybe that will be a better idea, now I need to convince ALL my friends to participate and work NYE with me so we can all have New Years Day off (we all work one or the other at work).

So who thinks it's a good idea to change our party plans? Who's in?

1 more month

One more month until our cruise in honor of Nolan. One more month until we are able to try again. One more month until we start to hit all the year of 'firsts' with Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYE. I am leaving out Halloween since that is this week. I HATE Halloween this year. I should be dressing up Nolan in cute infant costumes and taking ridiculous amounts of pictures. But instead, I will hide out in my house hoping no trick o treaters ring the doorbell. Geesh I sound like a mean old lady, and I really am not.

As far as trying again... we are ready, we have accepted the fact that no matter what no 'new' baby will ever fix missing Nolan, neither will it bring him back. But we will be able to accept a new addition to our family and see it as a sweet blessing from Nolan. On the other hand, the thoughts of having to go through this all over again is exhausting. Yes, at least they know what to look for and ect, BUT Preeclampsia is unpreventable and untreatable, only delivery of baby takes it away. They can ward off high blood pressures sometimes but it doesn't always help. So any pregnancy, have it be soon or not.. worries the living hell out of me. I just have to have faith that God will be good to us and I will bring a baby home next time. I still can't believe I am living this new life right now, never ever thought me.

I think I am just frustrated with life and little things that never bothered me before, I find myself being bitter over. Maybe it has something to do with me weaning off the meds. Which by the way, I am so proud of myself.... I haven't been on my 'meds' for 2 weeks now. I wanted to have them out of my system by time we tried again. And given it being an emotionally exhausting week, I think I have held on quite well. It was real hard to see Valorie so worried, upset and scared because I know her EXACT feelings at that moment. It was the same feelings I woke up with every morning that Nolan lived in the NICU. So watching Valorie's emotions totally brought me back to all the worry, anxiety and hope I felt with Nolan. I prayed so hard that she would NEVER EVER feel the pain I felt after Nolan's 3 days. Thank goodness Cyrus had a successful surgery and is healing quite well.

2009 can kiss my ass. I had to put it bluntly. I thought 2009 was going to be our happiest year ever! I was so excited that we FINALLY got to start our family. We FINALLY got married and that's all we were waiting for. Yes we were very lucky to get pregnant right away and hope we have that luck once again, but I never thought 6 months later I would be on deaths doorway with a very very premature son.
-Never did I think I would lose my son
-Never did I think my child would die before me
-Never did I think I would spend my summer grieving
-Never did I think my best friends son would have so many heart complications
-Never did I think My Dad would get so sick
-Never did I think I would feel jealous of pregnancies and newborns
-Never did I think Val would get sick and have to have surgery too
-Never did I think we would be babyless on all these upcoming holidays.
-Never did I think I would meet my new BEST FRIEND Amy, wish I never did.

(It's Amy's due date today, please send some prayers her way. Kalli was so beautiful and I wish more than anything besides Nolan that she was here and Amy could dress her up in her Halloween costume) Is that too much to ask?

Amy sent me this sweet poem

His little soul has touched us all
He didn't need to stay
His spirit touched each one of us
Before it sailed away

We all know souls arrive on earth
with special roles to fill
And his has fully played it's part
His memory guides us still

He had a ver special soul
He stayed but just awhile
So if, or when you are feeling sad
Recall him with a smile

For then you will know inside your heart
The reason why he's gone
And never feel too empty that
His role down here is done

His spirit touched each one of us
No other ever could
Forever will we cherish him
The way we know we should

So please please please let 2010 be good to us, Valorie and Amy. PLEASE.

I promise I am still around. I has been a very stressful and emotional week. I overcame A LOT of obstacles that I never would have if it wasn't for my best friend Valorie. I would do ANYTHING for her. Good news is Cyrus is doing real good, he did have some set-backs but the past 2 days he has made great progress.

I have a lot to say, just need time to sit down and write it all out. Maybe I will attempt that tonight.

Over the moon

I am not sure if you remember me talking about Niki, Myles mom back awhile ago. Her son Myles has the SAME EXACT story that we have. Myles even weighed the same as Nolan and her pregnancy was also cut short due to the nasty pre-e. On top of that she has had a major battle with infertility. I found Niki on the Pre-e Foundation website just days after loosing Nolan. And she is also the first person I reached out to at this time, I knew she understood the pain I was experiencing.

But I am happy to announce that she is having twin boys! Her surrogate (her sweet sweet cousin) is carrying her babies and they found out today that they are having twin boys. I could not be happier for her. Congratulations Niki, you deserve this times one million.

I also just got home from spending the last 2 days in Tampa with my best friend for her sons open heart surgery. If you want to read her blog, here you go...(Mom 2 Boys) I am just over the moon to report he is out of surgery and stable in CVICU. Mom did such a good job today and was so strong. Thankfully I am home and t hat means my favorite hyper little guy was stable enough for me to go home and get some much needed rest.

Fair?

Is it too much to ask for a guaranteed healthy pregnancy next time? Is it too much to ask God for a break this time. I thought we did everything the right way, and look at our outcome. I did everything in my power to fight for Nolan, but look where it got us.

Sad thing is, I may be able to get pregnant, but according to the specialist... we will never know if my body will be able to carry a healthy pregnancy and that scares me to death. Sure go ahead and try again, but in 6 months will I be reliving this nightmare with another baby once again?

All Chris and I want is our Nolan and we can't have that. So next best thing is to bring a little sister or brother into the world and actually be able to carry him or her home in a car seat, put them in their crib, do feedings at 3am in the morning and most of all, watch a miracle grow right in front of our eyes.

I will never ever take pregnancy lightly, nor will I understand why certain things happen. I have witnessed first hand that the world is not fair and it doesn't matter if you do all right or all wrong. I guess I need to ask that powerful question when I get to Heaven one day.