He’s ours?

I’m still in shock, the kind that hits you like an arctic blast when your prepared for the beach and wearing a bikini. Yup that one. I am still thinking today is the “Big Day” I mean, it IS December 10th. I am just in awe that right now, this very second I have a 5 day old tiny guy being passed around around our living room and he’s ours.

I will be the first to admit I was in complete denial that everything would turn out perfect. I had faith but I also admit that our faith has been so strongly tested this year, I was preparing myself for yet another test. Up until the moment I was wheeled into the actual OR room, I was so scared it was still very possible to lose our baby in some shape form or another. I have to say the best feeling was being prepped, knowing a healthy baby was just minutes away from meeting us and feel that naive confidence again.

“Our Dream Team”

I remember the energy being exciting in the OR room, how could it not be? Every person, well almost every person knew of our story. We of course had Dr Fish, who came in on her night off at 12am to do my c-section. I know she wouldn’t miss it for the world, we have been through too much together. Then of course the on-call OB from the practice assisted in my section. Then Ashley my close friend and Godmother of Christopher, who worked a 12 hour shift, got home and had to turn back around to come back so she could “catch” Christopher from Dr Fish and then go on to take care of him (which by the way his Apgars were 9/9). And I had am amazing OR nurse who talked me through everything.

Chris held my hand through the whole thing, and when he did for the first time, Nolan’s necklace that I had to take off was being placed on his wrist. When we grabbed hands, the charm that holds Nolan, fell right into my hand. I felt safe, I felt protected and I KNEW everything would be ok.

Minutes later, we welcomed CC! He was a lot smaller than expected but had the most pleasant cry this mamma would ever hear in my life. A healthy cry. The next few hours were a blur, I think I was in shock over the whole experience. 6 hours earlier I was being blessed in front of Mass by Father Bob, he announced I had 6 days left, said a beautiful prayer and everyone clapped. After we all went out to dinner at Sweet Tomatoes, again, I still had no idea what was in store for us in just a few short hours.  I’m in love.

We spent the next 3 days marveling how perfect Christopher is. I feel renewed in life again, I feel like I have so much to look forward to. I am excited to start our life again. I did think about Nolan A LOT this past week, his picture frame sat on my bedside table and he reminded me every day how special our family of 4 is.

 

I want to say the hardest yet most emotional days besides the night he was born was the day we were discharged. Instead of seeing social workers asking funeral arrangements and dropping off support group folders, we had car seat inspectors, lactation consultants, well baby people and our pedestrian who agreed to let me take Christopher home on a BIlli blanket instead if keeping him a few more days. I couldn’t even fathom the thought of leaving him there, walking out of the hospital once again with no baby, let alone what it would do to my mental health.

The hardest part was getting a visit from Dr Fish who wanted pictures with Christopher and to wish us luck and say goodbye. I felt like I was leaving my grade school best friend and moving to a new continent. We have been through so much together, and because of her, her hard work, labs, tests, research, compassion, empathy and most of all support, I was able to make it though a pregnancy, a healthy one at that I seriously couldn’t have done this leg of the journey without her. She got us our baby. I couldn’t stop crying, I will never be able to Thank her enough, but I think her being able to see us bring a baby home was her true satisfaction.

10 minutes later, we were walking out the door with the biggest grins on our faces. We were free, homeward bound with a perfect little brother. 

Where do you think our first stop was? Yup. What a moment that was, special yet heart breaking.

Newborn Hospital Memories

So glad we had these done. Ever so thankful for our photographer who was spectacular. Simply amazed by the emotion she so candidly captured. These are moments I dreamed of this entire pregnancy. These are the moments I grieved never having with Nolan. 20-30-40 years from now, we will be able to look back on the photos and it will take us right back to the disbelief & pure happiness we felt at the time.

Thank you Maria, you gave us something that is more important to me in this world more than anything, memories.

I never ever want to forget this weekend, ever. It was filled with emotion and beauty.

We have a baby, a baby that is so very special to us, a son who has no idea the impact he has already had on us and most important, a baby that we are bringing home. HOME!

Wish us luck in the coming weeks, this is going to be one journey not to miss!

 

To see more teasers from this photo shoot with Christopher, click here.

Welcome Baby Brother, CC

In the past 9 months…

I have experience anxiety at levels I never knew exsisted

Found out that having a high risk pregnancy after a late loss plays with my head

I have taken about 189 Lovenox shots in the stomache and about 30 more old Heprin that past 2 weeks.

Had 5 trips to OB triage

and

2 hospital admissions

But in the past 24 hours…

I found out what contractions felt like

Had a repeat c-section

Learned to swaddle a baby, diaper a baby and burp that baby

I have said numerous times, It feels so surreal

Because just over 24 hours ago, we welcomed Nolan’s little brother CC into our world.

Welcome Christopher Charles who decided he wanted to show up early and in true night shift fashion.

After suspecting my water broke in Target while baby shopping, we ended up in OB triage to be checked. While there, we discovered I was contracting, which in my case is not the best case scenerio since contracting puts me at risk some scary stuff. So after 2 hours of careful monitoring, a call to my OB’s cell, she decided to bail early and not take the chance of abruption since the contractions were timely and rhythmic.

So at 12am in the morning, my OB joined the OB on call, my best friend & OB nurse and Godmother of Christopher came in to be his nurse and I was on my way to the OR for a c-section.

Our 2nd born just HAD to arrive in true night shift fashion, unplanned and early. But he came out kicking and crying and is absolute perfection.

Dr Fish delivering Christopher and his Godmother, Ashley, waiting to take him to the warmer.

My first glace.

He weighed 5lbs 7oz and 18.5inches long. His feet are almost the length of his entire head and his nose is a button just like Nolan and he has a head full of hair.

He’s perfection just like his big brother. Watching Chris hold him and rock him makes me fall in love all over again just like I did last year when I saw him with Nolan. We have started calling him Christopher, it just fit and he has 2 nicknames. And maybe one day, this little boy will want to go by Charlie instead. All in due time, but for now, it’s Christopher.

So enough of me blabbing, let’s show our new little boy, Christopher off.

  Chris and Christopher Charles “CC”

He’s mine?!

We did it! Dr. Fish and I after a successful surgery and healthy baby. She is simply amazing!

Chris changing his first diaper

 

 Our Special Delivery

The past 24 hours have been surreal, almost like it’s too good to be true. Both Chris and I look at each other and say there is no way this can be. But it is! We are loving every single second of it. The sleepless nights, the newborn cries and the c-section pain that I don’t remember feeling much of last time, just everything.

It feels so good to act as the parents we longed to be, but it also leaves an empty hole in our heart for Nolan. But that’s for another whole blog.

I’m praising the Heavens above for a sweet tiny and healthy baby boy, I am just so thankful and over the moon!

Hello December

It's December, bring on the cooler weather, less humidity oh and a sweet little boy set to arrive in 9 days! I woke up this morning, held my belly and thought to myself, holy cow... we made it!

30+ weeks ago, I never believed I would get to December pregnant, shoot I was hopeful to get to Halloween. But here we are 9 days away! It feels like such a huge accomplishment and I am so damn proud of ourselves! I just want to jump up and down and dance in the middle of the street praising the Heavens for this time. I am so thankful.

I had my last scheduled ultrasound with Vicki today, praying there is no reason to see her in the next 9 days. It was weird to say, I won't see you in 2 weeks, instead... We will see you in 9 days with a baby you don't need a machine to look at! It feels like I graduated today! She has been amazing and a huge part of this journey with us. We've only had 654,009 scans with her!

Oh I guess I should mention, he measured 5lbs 11oz! I wonder what he will be next Friday!!! Any guesses?

I'm just happy it's December! I'm thrilled I am still pregnant. I'm thankful for the amazing OB and team that has dealt with me the past 9 months and most of all...

I am so damn excited!

My BP was great today, no protein and BPP & NST was decent. I am on contraction watch until next week, it's pretty much the only reason we would bail early due to my vertical c-section last pregnancy. Unfortunately it puts me at risk for uterine rupture if I am having true contractions, which is also the reason for my early c-section at 37 weeks exact. Luckily, I barely contract on NST's so I am hoping it stays that way until Friday!

One more appointment with my OB next week and one more visit to MFM and he will be here before we know it!

I get emotional thinking that this might really happen for Chris and I next week, just so surreal. The nerves are setting in, the excitement is getting out of control and the nesting, well... I can't stop! I only have a few more things to do and I will post his finished nursery.

On another note, if your a BLM please visit Tina's blog and check out the 25 Days of Giveaways. I am honored to be part of the giveaway team this year, I believe my day is the 20th. Last year this was one thing I looked forward to because all the giveaways are truly from the heart and from another mother who understands the heartbreak. She has 2 giveaways posted today, go enter yourself and meet some new mamas!

10 days away!

It feels like we are in the final countdown now! I can’t believe we have made it this far, it’s such a blessing.

So much to do, so little time yet it feels like these last 10 days are DRAGGING. I admit I am still waiting for something bad to happen. I freak out when I wake up and he’s not moving. I know I need to eat breakfast and such, but the anxiety is overwhelming. I will be so happy when he arrives safely! And don’t even get me started about how nervous I am for my c-section. I didn’t have time to be scared last time, it happened so quickly. But this time I have the fear of something bad happening, the placenta not being in an ideal position but better than expected and my old incision being vertical. As my OB said, nothing is definite until she gets in there. It’s just scary thinking about it, but I have faith we will all be okay.

Tomorrow is my last ultrasound with Vicki and it feels like I am graduating. I have seen her every 2 weeks plus some extras that were here and there so it’s weird saying tomorrow is my last scan with her. I can’t wait to see how big this lil guy is!! Then I have my pre-op paperwork afterwards and an OB appointment…. AHHH it’s so real!!!!

It’s getting so close! I just can’t believe it!

15 days and THANKFUL!

The Macy’s Thanksgiving parade is on, the Christmas tree is lit, baby gear is all over our house and I have a little 5lb baby boy dealing with hiccups and pushing his little butt into my ribs. I love it, every second of it.

I could sit here and write all the things I am thankful for…my amazingly patient husband, ruby slipper nail polish, an almost finished nursery, a Glee Christmas CD, a best friend bringing home her NICU grad this fall after 100+ days, my family, all my friends being pregnant and giving little CC besties, Short Term Disability paychecks and my AMAZING OB Dr. Fish… I could keep this list going. But there is one thing, one HUGE thing that in the wake of all our heartbreak this year that I am most thankful for, our growing baby boy.

I really have no clue how in the mist of all our loss this year, my family could have kept going with out our little CC growing and our faith that the end of 2010 is going to be a good one for us. He is the light of our dark year, our hope for renewed happiness and and our chance to feel normal again. I can NOT wait for Dec 10th! We have 15 days left, and every day he stays put is even more hope for no NICU. You will NEVER hear me want him born any earlier than he already is because I truly understand the miracle of every day.  I can wait 15 more days, it’s so close anyways! So I am hoping and praying he waits until December 10th. It’s going to be one big Birthday Party at Healthpark that day and I can’t wait!

15 days!!!!!

Our holidays will be different this year. I’m not avoiding the celebration or the joy because this year is a year to celebrate and Nolan, my brother, Grandpa and my Uncle along with all my other loved ones would want to see our family smile this Christmas. CC is going to make that happen especially when we dress him up in his Carters Santa outfit and take him to Midnight Mass! I am so stinking excited. He’s going to be our little Special Delivery.

So raise a glass, stuff your face with turkey and say a little prayer that CC waits 15 more days! I made it to Thanksgiving still pregnant! 2 more ultrasounds, 3 more appointments, a pre-op appointment next week and before we know it, he will be placed in our arms. OOOOHHHH so so so so close!

My Dad wrote a Thanksgiving letter on FB this morning, and I just have to share it because it really sums it up, 2010, the grief and the new hope. Love you Dad, you said it best!

A Letter to Our Friends,

It seems so wrong to celebrate a day of Thanksgiving when it seems there is nothing to be thankful for. Our beloved Charlie is gone, my wonderfully smart and funny brother Michael left us, and the anchor of the Bartens , E.H., could not hold on the life’s chain anymore. This is the start of the “Holiday Season” and I feel like, so what.

Well I’ll tell ya so what; I have a beautiful wife and 2 ladies at OSU! I have a daughter and fantastic son in law that loves her dearly, who are also prego with their 2ND child. I have a wonderful and sweet adopted daughter (thank you Charlie). There is Trina’s sister who is the best aunt these kids could ever have. I have my brothers and sisters and their families, up north. On Dec. 10th I will celebrate 1yr of successful heart surgery. Oh! December 10th, is also the day that my 2nd grandchild is to be born.

So yes , there are things to be thankful for. I am alive, I have family, friends, and a new baby coming. This does not mean I am not still mourning our losses. There isn’t a day goes by that I do not wish that my son, brother and father-in-law were still here with us. Living day by day is so difficult at times. But I am also thankful for a renewed Faith that keeps me strong for the rest of my family.

So, on this Thanksgiving Day, be thankful for and take good care of what you have. Thank the Good Lord this Holiday Season and ask him for the strength to renew faith.

Happy Thanksgiving and God Bless,              

Jim

Happy Thanksgiving friends, I love you all for your continued support, encouraging words and the love you have given my family this year. I am thankful for every single one of you!

hyperventilating

::grab brown paper bag and breath in and out::

I am so overwhelmed to the point I am sitting on my couch in tears with 1,000,000 thoughts racing through my head. I feel like we are so not ready for this baby when it comes to the logistics of things. I mean, I know we are SO ready for him emotionally. I’ve been feeling this way since the baby shower when we got all these fun things for him and half of it I don’t know what to do with it, do we have too much, too little of this, what about that? Oh did I mention we are running out of room in this house too? I am just so upset this afternoon, I’m trying to research stuff and I am so frustrated with the fact that I should KNOW this stuff or at least SOME of it. I am a mom! But I never got to act as one outside the NICU. So when I feel so clueless about this stuff, it reminds me how Nolan isn’t here, wasn’t here and I have no clue how to take care of a baby at home, so I just don’t feel like a Mom. I know it will all come natural to us when he comes home and we will learn as we go, but I can’t help feeling this way.

God forbid the person that says… “Your finally a Mom” when CC arrives because it will send me over the edge.

I’m trying to take it easy, I was looking forward to that today sitting on the couch watching movies with a best friend but plans fell through. I have no desire to go anywhere, get dressed or do anything. I just need a day of NOTHING. But now that I am doing a day of nothing I feel so lonely. Yea yea, soak these moments up while I can because in 19 days there will be no such thing- but I can’t wait for that. But I am going to be the happiest tired Mom on the block so that excuse doesn’t work for me. You will never hear me complain about sleep, exhaustion or any of that because I want this so bad I don’t care about all those things.

Chris and I haven’t even taken any baby classes. Why not?… Who the hell knows. Maybe I was so guarded on that stuff it slipped my mind. I mean I JUST started feeling comfortable signing up for baby samples and stuff. Now I feel like we are in the last minute, things are going to be happening and I have no clue about anything. Can you tell my thoughts are racing, welcome to my little brain of ADHD. To sign up for the baby care class on Dec 2nd or no, is it even worth it? Ahhhhh!

The nursery doesn’t seem complete, I have no idea what we will do for bottles or feeding (that’s a whole other issue), I am undecided on where to put stuff, what to wash, what to get with our gift cards because I know we need certain things or do we? AHHHHHHH!

This momma needs a good Culvers butter burger and chocolate malt to calm me down, but of course Florida has NO CULVERS! For the love of a crazy hormonal wife, how does Chris even deal with me!?

Back to your regularly scheduled program, I am going to go cry off this anxiety and hopefully fall asleep so I can forget how lonely I feel today.

Deck the Halls

It feels so good to be back in the spirits this year. Last year was so hard on us and we just didn’t have it in us to drag out a Christmas tree, hang all the lights, listen to music or anything. We just wanted to fast forward through the cheerful part of the holidays since we never expected to be grieving our son over the holidays.

This year is a whole different story. It’s before Thanksgiving and I broke the rule of throwing our tree up early. Who cares, really- especially since I am known to do this in the past. I want our baby boy to come home to a decorated house full of Christmas. I want to celebrate Christmas more than anything this year and I was starting to think, if I didn’t get this tree up now- will I miss our chance. Let’s face it, I could be hospitalized again in the next 3 weeks, then he comes, then we get home 10 days before Christmas and is it really in our cards to get a tree up with a newborn? HA!

I will admit, it was the damn Glee Christmas album that triggered the bug up my butt to do this today. I downloaded it, previewed it and immediately wanted to blast it on surround sound and get all tangled in lights and unwrap all the ornaments. So I did. I called Kelli and asked for help since I am suppose to be taking it easy and with in hours, my house was transformed into Holiday central.

I’m just happy.

I’m excited this year is going to be different. I am stoked that we get to take family Christmas pictures in front of the new tree. I am just thankful this year is different, despite all our heartbreak in the past 6 months, this little guy has been the light in my family this year. He has given us hope in times we felt there was none and we are so ready to meet him…in 23 days and not any sooner hopefully.

So here we go..

Our Family Christmas Tree 2010.

I ditched the colored lights for white, skipped the garland and went with ribbon, and only used the ornaments that really meant something to us. It’s like we have a whole new tree with a new look and I love it!

 

 

Last but not least… Ya I am huge and I love it, I have one big boy growing in there!