I was THAT mom. I was the one that the NICU got a call that morning of the 8th saying they have a 26 weeker coming, get ready. And not only was Nolan 26 weeks, he was the size of a 20 week baby! So yes, I am THAT mom who gave birth to the baby the NICU staff probably got a little anxious about when they got the call.
And I do remember, as I was laying on the OR table asking Dr F if the NICU team was there yet. Who knows, I obviously knew that they would be there but it was like I needed to know they would be.
Why am I thinking this? Well as a therapist who did time in the NICU and did a lot of deliveries as a student, I remember THOSE moments. I remember the therapists saying "Ahh this is no good, a 25 weeker is coming in" I never would have thought I would have been that person, how naive. (Yup, that's me on the right, 4 years ago getting ready for a baby coming from a c-section)
I remember the first 25 weeker I helped deliver. I remember them telling the Mom he might not be big enough and to pray he is over 500g. Wow... 4 years later, I am that very same Mom. Nolan was 368g!
I also remember my second trip to the NICU to visit Nolan, I ran into a therapist I knew who was working with Nolan. He just looked at me like holy crap, why are you here!? So I tell him and he asks what baby is mine. Ummm, the smallest one in here. And the look in his eyes, I knew what he was thinking. My son probably gave him one good heart attack when he came out and they were trying to get his airway. I am SO THANKFUL that they tried, because it proved to the fetal specialist that he had a chance. Thank the Lord!
So anyways, I was just sitting here thinking about that day. I guess I was putting myself into the therapists shoes that got to work on Nolan. I wonder what was running through their head. I didn't think much about it at the time, because honestly I didn't care about all the details. I was there as a Mom, I was not there to read ABG's or look at his vent settings, because I was there just to be with him. So now, probably because I am back working, I wonder what the therapists that took care of Nolan thought about him. I mean, I think about my patients and my critical ones... you can watch the path they are heading on and sometimes predict the outcome. I wonder if they predicted Nolan's outscome. Seriously, he was pretty darn amazing to make it those 3 days... why not a million more?
Good questions and thoughts! I know that I would wonder what they were thinking too, and I would most likely have to ask them when we had some quiet time and I could ask them their thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through but I just wanted to share that I am an ICU nurse and I have similar thoughts any time a family member or friend is in the hospital. It is very awkward and frightening to be on the other side of things; especially because we have seen the worst case scenarios too many times. Hang in there, girl. I truly admire your strength and your words almost always move me to tears.
ReplyDeleteOh, wow. What a strange and unique perspective! And how can you not wonder? And what an amazing little fighter Nolan was :)
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog for a while. You have touched me the love for you son is amazing. Your strength going through this is amazing. I also have to say I saw a yellow butterfly on Saturday. He came up and said hello. I thought of you and Nolan and said a small prayer for you. I have a feeling that is the way it will be from now on. You are in my prayers. You are blessed! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI have nominated you for the honest scrap award. Please visit my blog for the details. HUGS!
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