Toddler 1, Mom 0 (a big fat zero)

I'm not really sure what I was thinking when I agreed to go get a mani/pedi today with CC in tow.


I had convinced myself that with the aid of coloring books, crayons, iPad, flash cards, trains he diligently picked out himself and good ole McDonalds Happy Meak that he would be content for an hour.

HahahahahHhHAaaa

Take a deep breath...

Hahahaha hahahaha
I'm sure the women in the salon mumbled under their breath when I walked in with the stroller and claimed we had an appointment.

Granted he started to prove me wrong. For a nanosecond, I thought- "crap, this could be life changing"

Again, hahahaha hahahaha!

It started with me falling out of my pedi chair trying to set up the iPad which in turn spilled my mimosa all over the floor.

Ok fine. No big deal.

CC is content for awhile after that.
Well of course he was content... he was going all Picaso drawing with crayon all over the iPad.

10 min later, a bag of Goldfish was thrown like a bag of rice at a wedding. Poor nail techs acted like it was no big deal as they got out the freaking shop vac like it was a daily occurance. Thank god for their patience today.

2 hours later. Mani/pedi complete and a nice tip we were out the door. Sure, he could have been way worse- but it was enough to NEVER do that again.

Oh! And let it be that my damn nails were ruined by time I got home. That's what I get by trying to save time and not get shellac.

So nap time was non existent after missing the Golden Hour, so my plans for an early dinner and bed start brewing the second I got home. Chris was on his way out the door to work while I sat on the couch with a Costco sized bag of white Cheddar Pirates Booty (OMG amazing stuff)

After dinner I realize how much crumbs there were and ask CC to help me sweep it up. But every time I would finally sweep it into a pile, CC would pile through with his mini broom.

Fine. Ill get the vacuum and beat you to the punch you little devil you.

The vacuum didn't seem to be working, no matter what I did, it seemed to me multiplying.
Of course .

That was because I realized CC created a hole in his diaper and the crumbs were actually the beads from the absorbent stuff.

Diaper off in an attempt to cease the white ball mess. In the 2 seconds it took me to toss it out, CC was over in the corner peeing on the floor.

Did I mention how much of a pain in the ass it is to get that stuff to sweep or vacuum??!

But now it's 7:30pm- were showered and pajamas and laying in bed. I should grab a beer but laying down and passing out seems so much more appealing right now.

Ha!

Way back when in 2012: a pictorial update

Siiiigh. So wondering what's been going on? Well here we go-

CC met his main mouse Mickey. Yea yea, this was waaaay back in October and since then have been back almost every month. Living in Florida has it's perks and I follow this guy's blog at www.easywdw.com and follow the days he says to go. 

Even sent off a Mickey balloon on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day since we wouldn't be lighting a candle as we do every year.

Then there was Halloween. Where I attempted to be a cool Mom and MAKE his costume. Dont let the costume fool you, I don't sew- I hem with hot glue. Hey it works.

I went on a vacation. Yup, I left Chris and CC behind and went on a cruise with my mom. Shocker, a cruise right? I took a week of no work, tons of sleep and no guilt drinking and it was AMAZE-BALLS!

 Good times!

And I got to wear sparkles and make-up. Cheers!

P.S. Doesn't my Mom look awesome!

OH! Then out of nowhere- we found ourselves a TWO year old- a 36lb, energetic and full of personality little two year old. We spent the day up in Orlando having breakfast with Mickey and celebrated with a birthday party over the weekend with close family and friends. 

And then, he grew up and got his Driver's License. No lie. And the kid is a pimp, already picking up the ladies.

Christmas came and went but not before sending out this classic Christmas card. My mom said,

 "You're really not going to send out a picture of him picking his nose are you?"

Yes. Yes I am. Come on, I'm a freaking respiratory therapist. I pick those suckers for a living.

No lie. He did that all by himself. I a just the crazy Mom with the camera who got the moment. THANK GOD! 

OH! We added an addition to the family. Yea, that was back in October. His name is Knox and he is awesome. Chris will deny his "permission" he granted me when I called from the breeders begging for the dog. 

"Do what you think is right"

That's what he told me. I hung up, turned to the breeder and asked her who to write the check out to. The breeder then commented on how that was the quickest and most efficient she ever heard a significant other get a "yes" out of the other half.

Well, it wasn't a "yes" per-say, but in my book it was.

So here he is. Back when he was little. REAL Little.

Every little boy needs a dog. At least in my book.

Back to chronological order of events here.

Went on another cruise. CC's 4th cruise. More to come on cruising with a toddler in a later post. 

And here we are now. That's like 1/8 of what we have been up to. So much more but what it really comes down to is waking up, shuffling day to day between work, gym, chasing toddler, attempting to be a house wife. HAHAHAHAA. I suck at it. My brain is like a freaking circus 99.9% of the time.

I'm good. Hired a cleaning lady, house never looks it but hey at least my toilets are clean. Thankfully CC loves chicken nuggets and mac n cheese because those are easy to make and as long as I keep up on my ADD meds...

We are GOLDEN!

Speaking of Golden's-

Here's a new picture of the sweet boy Knox

Life in the way.

There was once a time I laid in bed in tears wondering what it was like to be a Mom. Well a Mom to a little boy here on Earth. I would scour the Internet looking for someone just like me, someone I could relate to. Someone that too felt so lonely and isolated in this world swallowed in unimaginable grief.

I found comfort in blogging and in turn met many many women who too gone through such grief. I had a lot of time on my hands. A LOT.

I blogged and blogged and blogged again. Words just flew out on to the keyboard.

And then I look at my last blog post and it was like... a million years ago. Seriously- over 9 months ago.

What happened?

Life I guess. Life got in the way. But a good way. And I am loving every single last second of it. It's not as easy to write anymore. I am unsure if it's because I am in a much better place and I find it harder to write with ease or is it the 37lb toddler I am trying to keep up with? Granted sometimes when I need to write most over the past year, it's had to do with work and the emotions working in the NICU has brought me and well, I can't say much due to HIPPA. So I am stuck.

Either way- I miss it. I love going back the past few years and watching our family grow and documenting the little things I don't ever want to forget. I want to savor every second just as I did in Nolan's short little life. I am so thankful I did, because almost 4 years later...the little moments are fading but the words I wrote in those very days quickly and vividly remind me of what happened. 

Sandy toes

A little sand between the toes, a mouthful of shells and red little cheeks make an afternoon at the beach basking in the warm sun perfection. I often forget how close to paradise we live considering we get so caught up in the everyday hustle of work, family and life. It was heaven taking a day and spending it on the one of our most beautiful beaches with some close friends, perfect setting to catch up on life.

What a differnce in a year can make.

Ounces of Hope {dreams come true}

When dreams are shattered and hope is lost you wander aimlessly wishing for a miracle. The past 3 years and most specifically before CC came into our lives, I felt hopeless and useless. I felt my energy that should be given to Nolan was overlooked and I was forever ruined in grief. Granted I picked up the pieces ever so slowly and grieved out loud, I wouldn't be who I am or what I have become in the past 3 years if it wasn't for loosing Nolan. I'm slowly learning understanding God gave us my our experience so I could do great things.

Ok, typing that out makes me sound like I fully accept losing Nolan, but that's not exactly what I mean.

It's more so that there are times in your life that define you forever. They create you who are, how you change, how you react and most of all who you become.

Nolan was given to me for a reason, and I believe it now more than ever before.

On March 23rd, I clocked in for the first time as a working respiratory therapist in the NICU Yes, you read that right. My dreams have come true. 6 years ago I chose to take my career in the direction of adults with a desire to one day become a NICU therapist. My dreams shattered after becoming a MOM and going through some major PTSD (apparently I had PTSD after siting in on a lecture at a neonatal conference and nodding my head to every sign & symptom). And to be frank, I was scared I never would fulfill my dreams after that. But here I am, it just feel into my lap, I had a great support system and it has been the most healing experience I have had yet.

On May 11th, I launched Ounces of Hope, a complimentary photography service offered to the babies in the very same NICU. Named after Nolan only being 13 ounces and the hope he gave us. I realize now that those very pictures I took so innocently those 3 days in the NICU would forever be gold in my heart. Parents often have cameras & pictures in mind when caring for their newborn baby or critical neonate and I want to give back to them what I got. So in years to come they can look back to where their journey began.

So without further ado, my latest project...

Ounces of Hope

www.ouncesofhope.org

Ounces of Hope Facebook Page

I have been so overwhelmed with nothing but support and love and I am in love with the direction my life is heading.

I had hit a point in my grief where I need to do something to pay it forward. I've been watching other Moms have fundraisers to add new Giraffe beds to the NICU, some knit hats and others build memory boxes to give to newly grieving parents before they leave. All which are absolutely amazing things to give to the NICU.

I knew I wanted to do something for my NICU I just didn't know what. I knew it had to be close to my heart and have a driving passion for whatever it may be. It took me 2 and a half years to have my "ah-ha" moment... that photography is where my heart is at. With in weeks of proposing the idea to the director of the NICU & hospital officials, Ounces of Hope was born.

As I stand back and look at the whole project as one, I realize I am picking up the pieces, turning them into something beautiful.I look at our Nolan as my light, my cheerleader, he gave me a cause and I'm going to run with it. The void I have felt the past 3 years is starting to fill in with hope again and dreams for others. I want to be part of it. And the connections I have made in the past couple of months with Nolan's caregivers (and now co-workers) & with the families and parents absolutely exceed anything I could ever ask for. 


Coming up on 3 years this month (June 8th) I never expected to be typing a blog post of this nature. It really puts into perspective how far I really have come.
I guess I can say, I am one lucky girl.

Coming soon....

A BLOG POST. 
HA!
I'm alive and well. Very well. So much has happened in the past few months and I am dying to share. But blame the 17 month old, new job- yes I said new job (can you guess where???) and writer's block, I have been MIA.
Add a few vacations on a cruise....

and a trip to Chicago and this lady is exhausted. Again, in a good way.

I have sat down numerous times to tap out my thoughts on a keyboard and I don't know if it's the overwhelming sense of joy (of what I want to write about) or the lack of attention added to writer's block....
It's like a blogger's jumbled mess of art. Yea- art. If you only saw my draft.


SIGH.


Until the next post....... I'll leave you with some CC crack.
He's a walking, almost talking 30lb little boy. Where did our baby go!?

Definition & stride

Strength.

Strength [strengkth, strength]
- noun 1. the quality or state of being strong 2. intensity 3. force in numbers 4. strong or valuable quality


I am not strong because I lost a baby, nor am I strong because I grieved. I am not strong because I put one foot in front of the other to survive each day. It was pure choice to either live or die. Strength in my mind had no play in that. It was simply what I had to do- live. Go through the motions, grieve and find that "new normal"


Over the past 2.5 years I have heard over and over again how strong I am. I'm convinced it's what people say when they see your survival. I don't feel that strength that others seem to see when they look at me. I'm just an ordinary girl who had some pretty shitty things happen to. I burrowed into my new normal, picked up the broken pieces and nestled into my new home of my so called life.


Until last night, I'd fight you to say your wrong if you called me strong. I survived.


But last night I did something. Something that I was unsure if I'd ever be able to do since the day those dreams were broken.


Dreams that got put on the side burner since the night we watched Nolan code in front of our very eyes. The images of compressions being done on Nolan in his issolette, the entire NICU staff surrounding his bed, the ocillator being brought into the room in attempts at a last chance effort. But I'll never forget that moment. The moment it was all over and the crowd slowly left the side of the issolette while Chris and I held our lifeless baby in our arms in pure shock.
The smell, the atmosphere, the moment has been etched in my head to this day. His spot in a room full of babies, right next to a door in the back corner.


But last night I took the first step in following my broken dream of becoming a NICU therapist.


Last night I was strong.
Last night I shadowed a dear friend on her shift in the NICU. I wanted to feel it out, see if I was ready: my heart was saying yes.
It wasn't my first visit back to the NICU but it was my first back into the corner Nolan was. But I surprised myself, instead of anxiety- I felt strength. Yes strength. Actually I walked past that spot many of times through the night.


And at one point, I found myself sitting and looking at his corner, right through that very door they brought us in when we were rushed up to the NICU. I didn't find myself mad or upset, instead I felt pure strength.

I may have been on the journey to be a NICU therapist long before Nolan was ever an inkling on our mind, but at that very moment I knew that my dream and goal were once again possible.




Not only that, I had hands on care with some of the babies. I saw equipment, heard the same noises and oddly enough felt like I belonged. As I did 2.5 years ago when my plan to become a NICU therapist was put on hold.


I had an amazing night. I proved to myself that I am strong. I did things last night that at one time in my grief journey I thought would be near impossible.


I can do this.


Walking out of the hospital this morning I felt on top of the world. It was what I needed.


So I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry when I got in my car. Ok the water works poured out.
But funny thing was it wasn't sad tears, it was thankful tears that I was able to do it. I'm going to follow my heart. I know I my heart is ready and I am going to be a NICU therapist, finally.