I hang pictures of my dead baby in my home... am I crazy?

My name is Ashley and I live for my Nolan. Nolan has made me who I am today, he gave me back my faith, taught to believe and most certainly built hope.

Nolan is our son.

Our first born.

A fighter.

He was a miracle that was not suppose to be. And to this day I am reminded every single morning when I wake up that he is not here but his fight is not forgotten. 2 years later I sit amoungst grief that has changed, it has morphed into a different feeling that is so ha

rd to explain.

I have and always will fight to keep his memory alive. To a mother who knew her son for 3 days, it's all I have, it's all I have to fall back on. Those memories fade quickly, and all I have is this blog and pictures to look back on. So I take those pictures and I hold them so near and dear to my heart. I know those pictures are not ideal to some, they aren't the typical newborn pictures. A photoshoot full of cute hats, perfect newborn poses and sleepy grins. Our pictures tell a story of triumph they are taken by proud parents who were over joyed that our son had a heartbeat, that

he was fighting and that we had hope. Our pictures are all we have of Nolan. Yes I know they were taken while he was in very critical condition fighting for every minute. I am fully aware he has tubes, wires, lights and equipment surrounding him. But for those 3 days of his life, it's what we know of him. It's how we remember him and those little extras don't unvalidate his little life at all. Those wires and tubes and lights don't unjustisfy him being our son.

Recently, for the first time in 2 years I was met with question about his pictures. Should I be on that show Taboo because I hang pictures of our dead baby on our walls in our own home? Are people coming into our home bothered by his pictures? Am I just delusional and crazy for

wanting to hang his picture along side of his little brothers? Should I forget about him because we had another baby?

What am I suppose to do? I really don't know why I am even sitting here typing out these questions. Why should it matter? I know the answer but for whatever reason having someone suggest me taking down his picture when they come over broke me down. It made me feel like my son was nothing. He was just a baby that died that pictures were sad to look at.

2 years later, it's amazing what can trigger grief like it happened yesterday.

But then I remember what others saw those 3 days he were alive...

This was a comment left on my blog a few weeks ago....

Ashley, I found the link to your blog on the note you left next to the cupcakes. Thank you for those- I'm pretty sure they are already almost gone! I took care of Nolan in the NICU and I remember him and you very much. I remember exactly where his isolette was in the corner of room 4. I remember how determined he was and how proud you were to be the mother of such an amazing little fighter. What I remember most is that Nolan was surrounded by people who smiled. Even at the hardest parts of his little life, there were smiles through the tears. You could just feel it in the air-everyone hoping and praying for and loving him. It seems that his life is celebrated now just as it was when he was born. Happy

birthday,Nolan. God bless you and your family...
Ellen, RN

This nurse saw what we remember, what I fight to share to this day and justifies why one day CC will know he's a little brother.

Nolan is our first born, tubes and wires don't change that. That's how we knew Nolan, I don't want to remember the bad, I want to preserve the good.

But from day one, to two years later and 40 years down the road.... I will fight to keep Nolan's memory alive because he was a true miracle that made us parents.

I love you Nolan. Tubes, wires, and all.

Heavenly Birthday

We couldn’t have asked for a better day for Nolan’s Birthday. There were so many smiles and laughter and that’s what I wanted yesterday to be about.

Chris and I did go to Nolan’s NICU and brought all the nurses, RT’s and Dr’s cupcakes to say Thank You and remind them how much they meant to us for those 3 days. It was our first time going back tot he NICU since the last night we spent there after Nolan passed and we spent hours in the family room right outside the NICU. Heather, our NICU grief counselor and NICU nurse met us at the hospital and went with us. She is such a blessing, just having her made the morning that much easier.

We stepped into the NICU and Chris and I both looked at each other and he even mentioned how he feels like we should go turn the corner and wash our hands and go to Nolan's isolate. Good and sad memories flooded back, but hearing the nurses, especially Nolan’s admitting nurse and RT talk about him just made my day. I look forward to the day that I work there and I can share that same thing with returning families one day.

I wish I took pictures of the cupcakes because they looked SO stinking good.

We then headed back to the house were all our close friends and family met up for dinner, cake and a visit to Nolan to sing Happy Birthday and release balloons. I’ll never fully digest why we spend a 2 year olds birthday in a memorial garden singing Happy Birthday, but it’s the least we can do. Some may find it “morbid” but when your in our spot, it’s normal to us, all we really have known the past 2 years.

 

We wrote notes on the balloons we released and sent them off to Heaven after singing Happy Birthday.

I have put off planning this day, not sure because I was angry about having to find an alternative to a normal birthday party or I was frustrated with finding something to keep tradition of being out on the water every year for his birthday that I declared last year. Then at the last minute, I came across the Fort Myers Princess sunset cruise and it screamed perfect.

  

So we all headed out for a night out on the water, see some sunset and dance our night away with our friends and family. I couldn’t have planned this night to be any more perfect. For what Nolan’s birthday is, with out, we had SO MUCH FUN celebrating his little life. We laughed, we danced, we drank, we sang and we even all did the limbo. This year, we made a new tradition, a birthday sunset cruise. Thank you to all our family and friends who chose to take the time out of their busy lives to help remind Chris and I that we have a little 2 year old. He may not be with us here but he sure does fill our heart with love. We miss him with our entire being and he has made me a better Mom because I savor every single second and appreciate what life is really all about. Living, loving and freaking celebrating.

Happy Birthday Nolan. I hope we did you proud.

Happy 2nd Birthday Nolan

2 years ago today God made me a mother to a miracle. A miracle that most Drs said was impossible. We had no idea what lied ahead of us that morning when we were told it was time and we no longer could fight for our unborn son. It was his turn. On the morning of June 8th, our son was born via emergency c-section.

Today is about celebrating Nolan. All 13 ounces of him that fought with all his strength to give us 3 amazing days. I will never forget the first and only cry he made that morning. I remember Dr F being so happy his Apgars were better than some of her full term babies. I remember the nurse telling me that they got his airway and then I distinctly remember them rolling me into the NICU right after surgery on the stretcher so I could meet him. I was so proud, I felt on top of the world that morning even though the stark reality of it was lurking right behind that pride.

June 8th is a day that we will forever celebrate. We will make traditions and remember our Nolan. It's up to chris and I to keep his memory alive because for some people it's so easy to let that slip.

So this morning, I am happy. I am happy that I was given 3 days, I'm thankful we have an OB that believed. I'm thankful that I know I fought as hard as I could, I did everything in my power.

Don't get me wrong, I'm hurt we aren't opening presents for a 2 year old. I'm still angry that we dont have a huge birthday party with a theme and little 2 year old running around.

But I am a mother who has accepted that we will forever sing "Happy Birthday" in a memorial garden on June 8th instead. We will always honor Nolan as a family on this day, this day will never be forgotten.

So today, I ordered 3 dozen cupcakes for Chris, CC & I to deliver to the NICU for Nolan's birthday. It will be the first time since losing Nolan that we have even stepped foot near there. I want to thank all those nurses and RT's that believed right along with us. That fought for him when we no longer could. I want them to know what today means to me, because of them, we had a chance, a glimmer of hope and I am forever grateful.


We are then releasing balloons and singing Happy Birthday to Nolan and going with a bunch of family and friends on a Sunset cruise. An evening out on the water to remember what today is all about. Our Nolan.


Happy Birthday Nolan! We love you and we miss you every single day of our lives. There's not one day when we don't think or talk about you. You were truly a miracle and today we will celebrate. I KNOW between Grandma Ruth and Charlie up there, you probably ate an entire cake by now with Brice. I love you Nolan, more than I can ever express in words.
Happy Birthday.

I lost his birth weight

That's right, I lost the weight of CC by an ounce. One week in- and I lost 5.2 lbs!!! 

In all honesty, this diet isn't so bad considering I was expecting cardboard. I would actually eat a lot of these meals on a regular basis. I stepped on the scale this morning and was pleasantly surprised with the 191.4 that flashed back at me. It made every bit of the past week worth it. 
I'd be lying if I said I didn't go down and get 2 heaping spoonfuls of peanut butter to celebrate. HA!
Things I have learned so far:


I love breakfast! I usually go for the cereal with milk and bananas on top. Then I save my protein for a snack and hour later.


Lunch I make a decent sized salad and I have recently fallen in love with low fat Raspberry Vinaigrette. YUM!! Then I have my NS lunch entree, the graham chocolate bar is DIVINE!


My snack is usually string cheese and an apple. I know- pretty boring but tasty.


And dinner I have my NS entree, haven't found one I hate yet. I LOVE sauteing zucchini and squash with garlic and seasoning. That and warm spinach salad is amazing. 


I think I miss snacking the most. I have realized over this past week that I am a bored snack er and if that wasn't a recipe for disaster, you should have seen my portion sizes. Ouch. Guess that's how I gained a lot of this weight to begin with.


I can survive without wine with a bath and a substitute a diet coke, but it's not the same.


Night shift dieting is a challenge, especially when you work 12 hours shifts- meaning you only work 3 nights. Your constantly switching back and forth between days and nights, sometimes up for 24 hours. I'm still figuring this out, so when I do- I'll share.


I have also made an attempt to exercise at least 3 times a week. Tonight I even took a run to visit Nolan, yet I have found out that running in our neighborhood around dinner time is torture. Just go ahead and hang the juicy bubba burger and potato salad in front of me and dangle it on a fishing pole why don't you. The smells coming from each house just filtered into the streets. AHHHHH! I'd kill to have a big fat juicy burger! 

So for dinner tonight, I had the Grilled Burger. It kind of reminded me of the cafeteria burgers from grade school but it wasn't bad at all for what it is. I used some Laughing Cow Blue Cheese and added my veggies. 

It's all about portion sizes and eating the right foods. So far so good. No complaints, as I lost 5+ lbs and Chris lost 14. Not too shabby! So cheers to next week (holds up my diet coke with lime) in hopes I lose some more.


And when did this monster grow? I can barely remember the days he had no things and he was just a speck in the bassinet. Now he's almost grown out of it. 

 When did this happen!!!!?

Doggie Paddle

After weighing in, a walk to the pool and a good swim with the baby and his little friend Miss O was in store. Ok, so maybe I didn’t swim. But I did squeeze into my trusty make me feel skinny one piece, practically falling out but I saw it as at least I didn’t bust out in my triangle bikini with string sides. I’m pretty sure at this rate the strings wouldn’t have enough slack to tie anyways. HA!

I did spare you the pictures of myself on this fair day, hopefully in the future there will be plenty of pool photos to share. If I could only wear triple strength spanx under my suit, I would be GOLDEN! But for know, “chucky little buddha man of many expressions” will show off his good looks while floating in the pool today.

  As for Nutrisystem, it’s not bad. I actually enjoy it. I am crossing my fingers that come Monday I have lost at least SOMETHING. It will help me with my motivation. Because right now, at 3am in the morning, it’s so easy to cave. I think I stood in front of our pantry trying to talk myself out of the spoonful of peanut butter.

Thank you for all your amazing sweet comments on my last post. When I started writing that, I had no intentions of sharing numbers, pictures and even the whole Nutrisystem as a whole. But it just flowed out onto the keyboard and if anything- it will hold me accountable.

 

196.6 in numbers

10 years in 2 years. I stumbled across some picture DVDs yesterday and uploaded them to find pictures of 2007 & 2008. Those 2 years where some of my fondest memories. 2007 brought on my first home, my first grown-up purchase, an engagement, a part time job teaching for the college, and my brother even lived with us while going to RT school. We had cookouts, parties, karaoke gigs, Christmas with not only family but all our friends. 2008 we got to plan and have our dream wedding, travel all over and at that time, everything seemed to be right on track. Perfect. Even my gosh darn wedding dress was perfect.

First Day as Clinical Associates

Engaged! Finally! In St Johns!!

Happy Family

Travels

I was skinny (although I begged to differ at the time), my hair looked healthy, my smile was genuine and most of all, I had no burden. Nothing holding me back, nothing on the back of my mind constantly. Nothing that could break me, because in my little world: I was on top. I was in the "it can't happen to me" mindset.



Fast forward to 2009, specifically the summer. I was tired of the grief, overwhelmed with the anxiety, ate my way through my feelings. I felt like I drowned in my own sorrow and self pity. I felt knocked down to nothing. Everything that once made me happy before was just a mere nothing now. All I wanted was the dream and vision that was suppose to be. Our Nolan.



The next year took a toll on me, I restarted a pregnancy, began to pick up the pieces, started to revise our dream. Then July 13th happened. It happened in a second. A tiny little second while my brother was driving to work, just as I was doing the same. I find out he never made it to work.

At that moment, grief struck. It struck in a different way. I became the "strong" one. The one who knew it was in my best health to hold it together, knowing I could grieve this one later. I still felt every part, I just chose not to hyper focus on it. I couldn't, I needed to be there for my mom and dad. I needed to show them strength. The LAST thing they needed was to worry about me and my pregnancy.

Then September hit, multiple hospital admissions making this pregnancy just as high risk as my last. My amazing and ever loving OB new it was in our best interest to take me out of work. It was the best decision she made besides the Lovenox injections.

October came, Grandpa passed unexpectedly after a routine surgery. Since it happened at my hospital, I was part of some of the behind the scenes while he was crashing. Once again, memories come flying back from the night we watched Nolan code.

Grief. It started to seem part of my life as if it where normal. It was heartbreaking that death was part of my everyday life just as it was at work.

3 days after I had CC, I was on a high. Nothing could bring me down. Our life felt as close to normal as possible. Our dream came true, just in a bittersweet way. I was starting my maternity leave and I was determined to enjoy every second. That was, until I got the call that my position at work had to be filled and I would most likely not be returning to my home. My job of 5 years with those who held my hand the past year. I was absolutely devastated.
Yes, I found a new position with in our system with the help of some pretty amazing & caring people. It took a lot of courage to start new right off maternity leave. It was a brand new beginning. I embraced it and owned it and now I count my blessings with how happy I am.

New baby, new job, new home, new friends. But I still look so tired and run down. No drug or pill can fix it. No photo editing can help this look.

Who would think that 2 years later, my son and these 2 would be in Heaven together.

I look healthy, awake, skinny, skin was glowing. My eyes screamed FUN. I was fun!

2011
Grief has caught up in every way. I'm tired all the time. I should start using concealer on my eyes (I don't wear make-up everyday- but should start). My weight... Oh god my weight. My skin is a mess and my wrinkles on my eyes have got to be from the gallons of tears I've cried the past 2 years.

So after seeing these pictures, I decided to take ownership. I want my old self back, and since that's impossible to return to that state of mind, I'll start on the physical aspect. Because emotionally, you are forever changed.

This past Monday, May 16th I stepped on my scale for my first Nutrisystem weigh-in. That's right Nutrisystem. (thanks BA, I heart you)

I need my body & health back. I need to start somewhere. I find every excuse in the book to eat awful. I'm too busy to cook healthy (oh please, I only work 3 nights a week), and who has time to cook before heading to work at 5:30pm? Yes, lame excuses but I need stomp these habits, start somewhere.

At our wedding, I weighed 155. I worked hard all year on Weight Watchers to rock that kick ass dress and I did it.
And with Nolan I gained A LOT of weight towards the end. I went up to 192 just in 26 weeks. (damn you preeclampsia)

I lost a good chunk, made it back to 167-170 again before getting pregnant again.

But between a subsequent pregnancy and grief sandwiched between, I was bound to gain weight.

So here I am, 5.5 months since giving birth, losing my brother, uncle & Grandpa, technically my job... And

I weigh

196.6

(typing that was hard. Real hard. But I need to be accountable) BUT every single pound, every ounce was worth this little man of ours. It's not that I am beating myself up for my weight in numbers, I am fully aware I have been through a lot and I could be way worse. I just want to feel some control and this is my start.

Chris and I started the diet with intentions of learning a new healthy way to eat. We need it especially after moving into the new house in the middle of "fast food meca". We need to stop choosing convenience over health. And this is why Nutrisystem will work for us. It takes the thinking out of it, which I already do enough of...

My goal is to look healthy and happy again. Not look like I aged 10 years, maybe just 5 years. I am sure I am over reacting, but it's true to a point. It's time to start healing in every aspect physically and mentally. I can do this, especially if I survived all that I have and I am still standing. So far.

Most unflattering picture of 196.6lbs. ha!

So here is to a new diet (raises water bottle- Grrr I miss wine) and healthy mind, body and spirit. 

3rd Time A Charm

It took 3 Mother's day to get it right. 

3 years of heartbreak

3 years of dreaming

3 years to get the type of Mother's Day that some take for granted.

My first Mother's Day was spent grieving what could be of our unborn baby boy. It was spent layed up on a couch with my mama watching movies praying that Monday's call would bring good news.

My second Mother's Day was bittersweet. It was my first without Nolan. A day I never expected to spend empty handed. A day I grieved what should have been yet at the same time, I was carrying our newest. It was a day full of thankfulness for another chance at Mothering, but a day of sorrow for what I wasn't mothering here at that moment.

My third Mother's Day... I worked Saturday, got home from work to an empty house (Chris at work and Baby with Nana & Gpa), slept all day and even shed a few tears thinking about how lonely my Mother's Day felt- it brought back bitter memories on how I spent the past 2. 


So finally got my Mother's Day I have been craving and... I am the nut that forgot to ask off work for the year it finally all goes right. That's right, I worked the entire weekend. 

But, deep down... it was ok. Because I knew I had CC. He may not be with me that day, but I had him here.

I woke up to the best present ever. Gpa brought CC over to wake me up. Best wake up ever!

Then when Chris got home from work he made the trip up to the hospital and brought me dinner. Not an ideal "Mother's Day" eating fast food dinner in a Respiratory Dept of a hospital, but nothing else mattered because I had CC this year. I had him in my arms. Life feels good, FINALLY.

 And I came home to this card in the corner of the baby's crib. I freaking love my boys.

It may have taken my 3 years. 3 years to have the Mother's Day I desired but it was worth the wait. 

Toes in the water

I couldn't help myself this morning when the sun was shining and the humidity was absent to want to take a trip to the beach, okay actually it was because Chris needed to pick up his paycheck. Yes yes, he used to have direct deposit UNTIL he "thought" he was taken advantage of by identity theft only finding it to be his dear wife. HA! Long story short, he still hasn't switched to his new account for direct deposit.


Any who, back to where I was... oh yes, the beach... It's definitely one of the things we take for granted living here in Florida. For crying out loud, Chris works out there on the island and we rarely go out there. But while out there, we did get to go visit CC's God Father, Jak at work.

Today was CC's first dip in the ocean, his little toes curled up when they touched the water and then he laughed. Then the wave of water drenched me as I was trying to dip his toes. Can you see THAT wave inching it's way to my butt in my white shorts...Unfortunately Chris didn't get that picture, damn. 

Trisha and Connel made the trip home this week for the first time since Brice was born. It's nice to have them home and I am glad she is home for her first Mother's day. This trip sure isn't what it was suppose to be months ago, they should be making the temp move back home while Connel deploys and Trish stayed here with Brice. So this trip definitely has mixed emotions. Please say a prayer for some peace and what little bit of comfort can be found on such a profound day in a mother who has lost her child this coming weekend. Not only that, but Brice's service is being held Saturday, so it will be an emotional weekend for all of us. We took them out to the beach with us this morning with the intentions of writing Brice's name in the sand. It really is the simplest of things that can make you smile, like seeing your baby's name written anywhere. 

Oh did I mention that CC is 5 months old today. (choking on my diet coke... he is growing up so freaking fast!) 

Notice the muffin top my son sports?