Friday, April 30, 2010


I am having one of those nights. It started of great. Dinner with two of my best friends at Carrabbas we sat outside and had GREAT conversation. Then we all went to a movie and tears fell from all 3 of our cheeks and we walked out with black mascara eyes. Couldn’t have asked for a better cliché of a girl’s night out.

And now that I am home and in a quiet house, I’m sitting here overwhelmed with thoughts. It’s like the pop out of nowhere. There are so many going through my head and I’m not so sure where to start. And I can promise you the sad movie started it.

I think it may be the fact that this Mother’s Day is quickly approaching and it was suppose to be my first happy one. I was suppose to be relaxing and taking a break from the hussle and bussle of raising a child. Last year’s wasn’t so ideal, what was suppose to be an exciting day was a day spent on the couch in a dark living room crying. It was just days after we were told our unborn child would not live and he was sick. We were still waiting on the amniocentesis results and in all honestly I could not enjoy the moment like I should have.

Now on to this year, what do I celebrate? Will people even remember? I work that night so maybe sleeping all day and ignoring it will be the cure? NO! I should be enjoying the day with my Mom and celebrating the fact that I AM a Mom. So being at work on this particular day will be a hard one.  I just never expected my first Mother’s Day would be spent without my baby, never thought me. So while all the other Mom’s are relaxing away from their children at spas and hoity toity brunches, all I will be able to think about is how all I want is to be WITH my child for Mother’s Day. And I simply can’t be and it hurts.

Then shortly after that, is the fast approaching year. June. In one aspect I am excited to celebrate his life, but then in another way I am dreading June 11th. One year since we said good bye. It’s going to be hard to feel that same weather and replay that morning watching Nolan be worked on and having to give up on him and leaving the hospital empty armed just a few hours later when I was discharged.  Only to go home and start this journey of grief. The journey I never expected to take. The journey that made me a new person. The journey I lost best friends to and the journey that gave me a new normal. My style of writing changed. My personality changed, my smile changed.

Everything changed.

My world as I knew it was forever changed. I’ve been told my strength shines through in my writing, but I promise I don’t feel it. I just had the courage to feel it. I didn’t run from it. I couldn’t. As bad as I wanted to remain sleeping so I could dream a life that wasn’t mine. I couldn’t. I had to wake up and face the day when there was nothing there to break up the darkness. I knew I wasn’t alone but it felt like it. I grieved out loud, I shared my thoughts and for me it was therapy. It WAS my therapy. It was why I continued to write and continued to share our Nolan.

Now that it’s approaching a year, people that weren’t closely affected have moved on. They live their days with out this unbearable grief and I envy those. I miss how I used to feel, I call it a naive happiness.All while I have learned to deal with it, learned to accept it and cope with it best I can. It’s how I want to live. But I don’t live like that anymore. I do miss it.  But the farther it gets from Nolan actually being here I am so afraid people will forget. And that those dates are quickly approaching.


Saffy said...

I wish I could give you a hug. You've summed it up. Everything changes. And yeah, naive happiness. And in response to your biggest fear - have no fear. The people who matter most will NEVER forget Nolan. He has shaped, and will continue to shape, who you have become.

Krystle said...

Ashley, I don't know you IRL, but I pretty much think of Nolan everyday. There have been 5 stories who have affected me deeply since I was pregnant. Yours is one of them. In fact, I just did a blog post and mentioned this. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Happy Mothers Day =)

Tina said...

The one year date was very hard for me (as well as the days leading up to it.) But I kept myself busy doing things for my girls and made it through. I have to say that since that day (just last Sunday) I have felt much better, like a weight has been taken off my shoulders. I still miss my girls everyday and thnk of them constantly, but in some unexplainable way, I feel more at peace. I hope you find the perfect way to spend Mother's Day and Nolan's special day. xx

Marie W said...

Oh Ashley. Sending love and hugs your way. Mothers day was tough for me last year and I am dreading it this year as well. You are strong! You have the strength to keep Nolan's memory alive and celebrate the time he was with you on earth.
I know the months/days/weeks leading up to AJ's angelversary were harder than the day itself. Sending good thoughts your way.

Maggie said...

I'm afraid of people forgetting too because forgetting makes all the pain hurt even more... thinking of you so much! I think Nolan touched a lot of lives and I hope you will see that the people who matter haven't forgotten. XO

Betsy & Kurt said...

I feel ya. I've been extra emotonional over the past few days, and I think it's because of Mothers' day coming up. I as scheduled to work, but switched with someone fo Saturday instead. Now I'm worrying that I'll be sitting at home feeling miserable and wishing I had something to do. I know that Kurt and my family will remember, but it just makes me nervous.

Also, I wanted to tell you that I just started crying because I saw my button in your blog roll :).

babyrndeb said...

I was just at the Hallmark store today trying to find cards to send to a couple of people I know that are in your shoes. To let them know I am thinking of them on what has got to be one of the hardest days of the year when you are upon it without your child.
You are a mother and can still have a special mother's day.
I for one will be thinking of you come Sunday.

Miche said...

Somehow I did not realize that he and Megan were born and gone within days of each other.

I'm right there with you with Mother's Day and June.

We will make it through together :)

cmatsukes said...

I too am working part of the day on Sunday as Manager on Duty this is my first mothers days without my mom so difficulty for me and I have not forgotten Nolan I just watched his video again last night. I think about him often especially when I see baby makayla so no I will not forget him, nor my Mom or Mike they are always with me. Love and Hugs Aunt chris.