Invite

We meet friends on cruises. Every single one we go one, we get lucky and ALWAYS meet the coolest people.

Our engagement cruise, we met Ashley & Anthony, they live 10 minutes from us, Ashley & Chris went to the same high school and she was my go-to nurse when I was pregnant, why? Because she works the L & D at Nolan’s hospital. We are still awesome friends to this day, over 2 years later.

This last cruise in December, we met Erin & Mike. By complete chance, in the middle of the ocean on a beach in Barbados. They looked young (unlike 80% of the other cruisers), we chatted it up, had a few drinks and even swung off a bridge into the water together.

We bonded over our ‘fearful’ jump and knew we were destined to be best friends when she lost her headband in the jump. When her husband asked her why she was still looking under water for it 10 minuets later, she gave him the CRAZIEST look and said,

“Listen here buddy, back off I am mourning the loss of my headband!”

Yes. Someone else that is addicted to headbands like me. I LOVE HER!

We spent the rest of our cruise hanging out with Erin & Mike. We met for drinks every night before dinner, went to the shows together and got crazy in the club every night.  

We bonded over our love of headbands, cruising and our favorite casino game Monopoly.

So how can I resist booking a cruise when I get this email from Erin?

Reasons you need to go cruising with us!
A. I am awesome
B. Daily wake up calls from Lisa Bell your cruise director!
C. Dance parties with DJ Bill Phil!!!
D. I need a partner to play the addicting monopoly money eating game, who else am I going to get to sink $53 in the machine?
E.If you don't go I have to go alone...with just my husband.
F. Mike ..... dejay-ing topless!!
G. Balcony trivia is great for baby making!
H. FREE sushi at Vines!
I. A possible chance to buy a "piano cat" master piece... this could be a once in a lifetime opportunity.
P.s. did I mention I am awesome?

I think it’s time, we need to go on a cruise. It’s an addiction. We have never cruised in the summer months before so this would be a first. We need to find something quick because I am going crazy over here thinking of the relaxing bliss that awaits us. (Yes Mom, I know we were SUPPOSE to be going on a cruise with you guys at the end of this month, but had to cancel it- not by choice)

Now, I just need to win the lottery so I can quit my job to have time off…. so we can go. (sigh)

Nolan

How I spend time with my son.

Dear Nolan,

You would have been 10 months old today. Just a  year ago this week we found out you were a boy! Your Daddy was so happy!

Not a day goes by that I wonder what you would be like and how our lives would be different if you were still here with us.

I still can’t believe you would be 2 months away from having your 1st big birthday party. GOD, how I wish that was the case. But I do have plans for you little guy. Mommy is going to have a BIG birthday party with all our family and friends to celebrate the day that you entered this world and proved those Doctors wrong. We will celebrate your teeny little life.

So it looks like I’ll be a busy Mommy trying to plan the perfect birthday party for such an important little booger. I bet you a lot of people will come, at least I hope.

What do you think…red & blue sail boat theme or something else? Maybe I should branch out, but then it wouldn’t feel like you. Any-who, I promise to make it special either way.

On another note, I am sure you and Josey have come together up there in Heaven and your looking down on us. I just have to think you two were too special to stay with us. God must have saw something mighty special in you two to bring you up there so early. We need you both to look over Kerry’s sister Kimmy as she is also expecting and I am sure she is scared to death after watching the fight her sister just went through. Bless her heart.

I miss you Nolan. I wish the days wouldn’t go by so fast. It’s just one more day from seeing you. The further away from having you and I hate that. I want to wake up every morning and walk in your room and see you standing in your crib waiting for me. I think that’s what you would be doing by now, I guess I really don’t know what your 1o month old self would be doing, I don’t even know when milestones happen for any baby. It’s so frustrating.

I love you little guy, I’m sure your not so little anymore. Stay close to Josey and watch over Kerry and Kimmy in these coming months. They are both going to need you little angels watching over them.

Love Always and Forever,

Your Mommy

P.S. Did I say how AWESOME your birthday party will be? Oh ya, I did! Just reminding you!

God Bless You Josey

Kerry fought and she did everything possible for baby Josey. She was in the hospital for 24 days fighting for Josey to grow while preeclampsia slowly shut her body down. She held on as long as possible.

This is what Josey’s Grandma Janet put on Facebook this morning,

“Little Josey was born tonight at 12:26 a.m., she weighed l lb. 1 oz. God took her to heaven before she was delivered. Thank you for all the prayers sent up for them. I love you all!”

She was a real beauty from what I have been told. I have no doubts that she was absolutely perfect. I look forward to Kerry telling me all about her perfect daughter.

God Bless you teeny tiny Josey. I know that your and Nolan are up there watching down on us. Wrap your arms around Kerry as she starts this difficult journey through grief, it’s a hard and long one. One I wish no one ever had to experience, it just isn’t fair.

Hoppy Easter

We just got home from spending Easter with our families under one roof. Something we haven’t had the chance to do in awhile. It was nice but it would have been better if Nolan was there. So I did my best to stay in the spirit and wore my bunny ears.

Then I came home and got this. Thank you Michelle for thinking of Nolan this Easter. It made my day that someone was thinking about him.

Happy Easter/Kerry/NILMDTS

I wish I could say it’s a Happy Easter for us. I know we are celebrating Jesus rising but it’s so hard to put that smile on today when you know your cousin is delivering their baby girl who is just too small. I am still holding hope that she is bigger than they estimated and Josey can have a fighting chance.

One thing that I hope she can do is get a hold of a NILMDTS photographer. It’s something I wish I had a chance to have. But since Nolan left us so unexpectedly and at 2am in the morning, it was never a thought. Since being in those shoes, and becoming an aspiring lifestyle photographer, it’s something that I really want to dip my toes in. Not right away because I am not ready emotionally but when the time comes I want to be that photographer that documents a baby’s life. Just as this photographer did, she lost her baby Eli in 2002 and since then has volunteered to take the most amazing pictures of baby’s as they leave us here on Earth. One day, that will be me.

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Sweet baby boy Nolan, I am thinking of you this Easter. I know your up there in Heaven with the star of the show Jesus. I know your in a better place than here on Earth but it doesn’t make me want you here any less. I wish we were dressing you up in a outfit with a little tie and taking you to church. Then off to Grandmas for Easter dinner. It would be the perfect Easter. A year ago I never would have thought we wouldn’t have our baby boy here on Easter. I don’t think some people realize how lucky they really are to wake up with their baby sleeping soundly in their crib on Easter morning. I wish that was us. I mean why would you think about that stuff?

Happy Easter everyone. Say a prayer for Kerry and baby Josey. They already started her induction and I hope today goes smooth and calm for her. It’s just so hard to celebrate Easter when things like this overshadow the celebration. It just shouldn’t be this way.

Kerry

My stomach is in knots and my heart is filled with tears as I sit here and attempt to comprehend how this awful disease can take the lives of 2 babies in the same family.

www.journeytojosey.blogspot.com

Kerry is being induced tomorrow morning, on Easter. It’s cruel and unfair but her body is quickly deteriorating and the focus is now on maternal life vs. fetal. Baby Josey is just too small for much to be done.

I’m here (not in KY like I wish I was), I am going to hold Kerry’s hand from afar.  I can only do so much, just because I have been through this doesn’t make it any easier on Kerry. I guess I am just someone she can turn to that ‘knows’ and we all know how valuable those women are that each have in our life after we lost our babies. I am going to do as much as I can with my heavy heart, even if it’s just to be able to listen.

I don’t have much more to say, I had a fun post about our trip to Disney all drafted up. But now it doesn’t seem so fun anymore. This is just heartbreaking.

Brave

I did it. Of course with some help of some prescription courage. I stepped back into HP today, I took the very same elevator I took all those months I was pregnant. I even went to the wrong floor on accident where the NICU was. I walked the same hallway I did for months. But you know what made it better? The people that work in that office. Vicki the ultrasound tech remembered me right away and talked to me a bit about Nolan. The girls at the front desk talked to me quite a bit too. They even said they still read my blog all the time, that just melted my heart. And when the pregnant women came in and started the chit chat with each other, they rescued me and got me back in a room so I didn't have to listen to them.

My test results came back normal and my ultrasound showed what is was suppose to. So Dr Fish and I have a plan of action for the next coming months. I’m really hoping it works. I am so sick of running away from pregnant people and feeling left behind, it hurts more than I can explain. We want to give Nolan a little brother or sister so badly.

Dr Fish did think it was very odd that Kerry is going through the SAME exact thing in slow motion. We maybe think that there is something genetic that is an unknown and may not even be a test for. She advised me to call back the MFM I saw back in Sept and inform him of this. He may have a different perspective now. It’s just too ironic. I am also planning on going for a consultation with her best friend who is a perinatologist in Nashville. She already knows a lot of my story and it wouldn’t hurt to get her opinion. I guess Kerry and I would be an interesting case study for some Dr’s to take a look at. You never know.

Kerry is still trucking along, so keep those prayers coming.