196.6 in numbers

10 years in 2 years. I stumbled across some picture DVDs yesterday and uploaded them to find pictures of 2007 & 2008. Those 2 years where some of my fondest memories. 2007 brought on my first home, my first grown-up purchase, an engagement, a part time job teaching for the college, and my brother even lived with us while going to RT school. We had cookouts, parties, karaoke gigs, Christmas with not only family but all our friends. 2008 we got to plan and have our dream wedding, travel all over and at that time, everything seemed to be right on track. Perfect. Even my gosh darn wedding dress was perfect.

First Day as Clinical Associates

Engaged! Finally! In St Johns!!

Happy Family

Travels

I was skinny (although I begged to differ at the time), my hair looked healthy, my smile was genuine and most of all, I had no burden. Nothing holding me back, nothing on the back of my mind constantly. Nothing that could break me, because in my little world: I was on top. I was in the "it can't happen to me" mindset.



Fast forward to 2009, specifically the summer. I was tired of the grief, overwhelmed with the anxiety, ate my way through my feelings. I felt like I drowned in my own sorrow and self pity. I felt knocked down to nothing. Everything that once made me happy before was just a mere nothing now. All I wanted was the dream and vision that was suppose to be. Our Nolan.



The next year took a toll on me, I restarted a pregnancy, began to pick up the pieces, started to revise our dream. Then July 13th happened. It happened in a second. A tiny little second while my brother was driving to work, just as I was doing the same. I find out he never made it to work.

At that moment, grief struck. It struck in a different way. I became the "strong" one. The one who knew it was in my best health to hold it together, knowing I could grieve this one later. I still felt every part, I just chose not to hyper focus on it. I couldn't, I needed to be there for my mom and dad. I needed to show them strength. The LAST thing they needed was to worry about me and my pregnancy.

Then September hit, multiple hospital admissions making this pregnancy just as high risk as my last. My amazing and ever loving OB new it was in our best interest to take me out of work. It was the best decision she made besides the Lovenox injections.

October came, Grandpa passed unexpectedly after a routine surgery. Since it happened at my hospital, I was part of some of the behind the scenes while he was crashing. Once again, memories come flying back from the night we watched Nolan code.

Grief. It started to seem part of my life as if it where normal. It was heartbreaking that death was part of my everyday life just as it was at work.

3 days after I had CC, I was on a high. Nothing could bring me down. Our life felt as close to normal as possible. Our dream came true, just in a bittersweet way. I was starting my maternity leave and I was determined to enjoy every second. That was, until I got the call that my position at work had to be filled and I would most likely not be returning to my home. My job of 5 years with those who held my hand the past year. I was absolutely devastated.
Yes, I found a new position with in our system with the help of some pretty amazing & caring people. It took a lot of courage to start new right off maternity leave. It was a brand new beginning. I embraced it and owned it and now I count my blessings with how happy I am.

New baby, new job, new home, new friends. But I still look so tired and run down. No drug or pill can fix it. No photo editing can help this look.

Who would think that 2 years later, my son and these 2 would be in Heaven together.

I look healthy, awake, skinny, skin was glowing. My eyes screamed FUN. I was fun!

2011
Grief has caught up in every way. I'm tired all the time. I should start using concealer on my eyes (I don't wear make-up everyday- but should start). My weight... Oh god my weight. My skin is a mess and my wrinkles on my eyes have got to be from the gallons of tears I've cried the past 2 years.

So after seeing these pictures, I decided to take ownership. I want my old self back, and since that's impossible to return to that state of mind, I'll start on the physical aspect. Because emotionally, you are forever changed.

This past Monday, May 16th I stepped on my scale for my first Nutrisystem weigh-in. That's right Nutrisystem. (thanks BA, I heart you)

I need my body & health back. I need to start somewhere. I find every excuse in the book to eat awful. I'm too busy to cook healthy (oh please, I only work 3 nights a week), and who has time to cook before heading to work at 5:30pm? Yes, lame excuses but I need stomp these habits, start somewhere.

At our wedding, I weighed 155. I worked hard all year on Weight Watchers to rock that kick ass dress and I did it.
And with Nolan I gained A LOT of weight towards the end. I went up to 192 just in 26 weeks. (damn you preeclampsia)

I lost a good chunk, made it back to 167-170 again before getting pregnant again.

But between a subsequent pregnancy and grief sandwiched between, I was bound to gain weight.

So here I am, 5.5 months since giving birth, losing my brother, uncle & Grandpa, technically my job... And

I weigh

196.6

(typing that was hard. Real hard. But I need to be accountable) BUT every single pound, every ounce was worth this little man of ours. It's not that I am beating myself up for my weight in numbers, I am fully aware I have been through a lot and I could be way worse. I just want to feel some control and this is my start.

Chris and I started the diet with intentions of learning a new healthy way to eat. We need it especially after moving into the new house in the middle of "fast food meca". We need to stop choosing convenience over health. And this is why Nutrisystem will work for us. It takes the thinking out of it, which I already do enough of...

My goal is to look healthy and happy again. Not look like I aged 10 years, maybe just 5 years. I am sure I am over reacting, but it's true to a point. It's time to start healing in every aspect physically and mentally. I can do this, especially if I survived all that I have and I am still standing. So far.

Most unflattering picture of 196.6lbs. ha!

So here is to a new diet (raises water bottle- Grrr I miss wine) and healthy mind, body and spirit. 

Pass the how-to manual

A year ago this weekend, I was at a birthday party. It was this very birthday party that I laid on the floor of the bathroom behind a locked door and poked my belly trying to get our son to move- he wouldn't budge. I hadn't felt him all night, my ankles were swollen and I just knew something wasn't right. I couldn't enjoy myself the rest of the night, you could visibly see that something was bothering me.

That's the last time I was out with friends before we lost Nolan.

Tonight, we were at that very same birthday party. It hit me and it came out of nowhere.

It's that time of year. June is here. June is here TOMORROW. The month I have so graciously put in the back of my mind like it was to be forgotten about. I'm not saying I want to forget the life we were given for 2.5 days. But to forget all those feelings that are going to come tumbling down with no notice. Kind of like they did tonight.

The weather is changing like it does every June. It rains every afternoon, the hot and humid Florida air is back and it reminds me SO much of the days after we lost Nolan. The days I was planning his funeral, the rain never seemed to stop. That weather is back. It's just a grim reminder that time of year is here. It's also the same weather that lasts ALL summer, the same weather those months of deep grieving I went through.

I'm not ready to face the next few weeks. I'm not ready for these feelings. I have done so well disguising them for months. Huge breakdowns seem to be a thing of the past, that was until tonight. They are back, unpredicable and unstoppable.

Does anyone have the manual on how to face these dates, the month, the feelings. I know so many of us have already gone through this. HOW?! Do I wallow in my tears? Do I avoid hugs? Do I go into hiding? Do I distract myself? How do I do it? I know there are so many different ways but can't there be a step by step manual on how to go through these dates being gentle on yourself?

In 11 days, I will face the hardest day yet in the past year. I'm sure it will be a hot muggy afternoon, the rain will beat on the windows and all I will be able to do it replay in my head what happened on that very day exactly one year ago. It's scary, it's raw and I am just not ready to feel it.

I just miss him more than I could ever express, more than I could put into words and more than life itself. I just want to see him kicking again in his isolette. I want to feel that "everything is going to be okay" feeling that I got when he was in the NICU. Never in a million years during those 2.5 days did I think we would watch Nolan slip out of our hands right in front of us. It's just so surreal.

I am going to be a hard person to be around the next few weeks. I know I will "get through" it, I obviously got through a lot already. But it doesn't help the fact that I am going to feel this all over again.

Guest Blog: THE Question

Meet Lauren from "[Lauren's Blog] It's my LIFE".

She has a BOMB house that I am still secretly plotting to steal, awesome decor, cute husband and the mother of Quads. Yes, she is a mom to 4 babies in Heaven and she shares on her blog her hurt, loss, hopes and everything involved with LIFE including the fight with infertility after loss.

I asker her to do a guest blog about something she thinks about daily, her fight and all the in between. Why? Because you guys are probably sick of hearing my view and my rants. So with out further ado, meet Lauren.

Follow her, swoon over her house and and I promise you will fall in love with her just as much as I did!

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You know when you get asked the question - “Do you have children??”

What do you say?

It can be SUCH a loaded question.

A lot of you out there know exactly what I’m talking about. It is such a simple, innocent question but when I’m asked that now I feel like time comes to a complete stop. All the noise and activity around me stops. It is the most awkward moment ever, and the person asking me has no clue. I feel like I turn white, when I answer “no”.

“No, I don’t have kids…” is the easy answer.

“Yes, I have quadruplets who are all dead…” is the very complicated and socially unacceptable answer.

For those of you who have children up in heaven - Have you ever really answered that question to someone you just met?

I don’t think I could do it. I don’t like to make people feel awkward or uncomfortable, so I just don’t go there. Sometimes when I’m asked this question, I am able to easily blow it off and I quickly answer, “No”. Other times, answering the question with an abrupt “No” makes me feel guilty; like I’m discrediting that my children ever existed. Do you ever feel guilty doing this too?

It’s not until you’ve experienced the loss of a baby, or have had fertility issues, until you start to rethink asking people you meet those simple types questions. You never know what might be going on that you had no idea about. My rule now is, if they don’t volunteer the information, then I don’t ask. It seems like the rest of the world still has no idea that a simple question like that can mean so much. I know people don’t mean anything by it, because they don’t even know me, but getting asked that question often is SO draining.

How do you handle those questions?

Words of Wisdom

If there was one thing I learned this week it was,

I'm not alone.

I mean, I physically know I'm not, but it was nice to hear my feelings were shared among a lot of us. Sometimes I feel so damn irrational and you guys remind me I'm normal. Thank you everyone for your support, emails, comments and all around love and concern. I have a feeling the next month is going to be rough, but we will get through it.

Someone(wish I could remember who) sent this to me this week and I couldn't agree any more. Thank You!

"Don't let worry be the thing you remember from this pregnancy"

So I am going to do my best, because it's so true. So at the advice of my husband, family, & best friends including Amy (Kalli's Mom)...now is a time to be selfish and not feel bad about it. It's in the best interest for baby and my sanity. And in the coming months, it will get better & relationships will mend and fear will subside. But to get through the summer, it's what I need to do.

Relax, pretend I'm the only one to worry about and distract myself with good. I'm shooting a wedding for a dear friend next weekend, I have another ultrasound on Friday and I have a birthday celebration to plan for our little guy.

Nola.

Meet our mutt Nola.

Nola is the first big thing that happened in our relationship. I think we had been dating a year when we thought it would be a bright idea to go rescue a dog from the animal shelter. Yup, we were a young 20 years old and still lived with our parents. Both our parents had dogs of their own so they were REAL excited when we brought home this sweet and innocent brown dog.

We got her because we thought she was a boxer mix puppy. Chris grew up with a boxer and was so excited to have a little bit of boxer in our new dog. We have since then come to find out she has a little bit of everything. Lab, boxer, german shepard, pit bull.. you name it I bet she has it in her blood. I have a feeling her mother was quite permiscuous.

Blast from the past! Chris HAS hair!!!!

We got her name from our favorite college football team, The Florida State Seminoles. Although, we rarely call her Nola because she usually responds to: Noodle, Doofus, Doe Doe Brain, Numb Nuts, Goober, Nina Noo. Nice names huh? I can only hope we never come up with such bizzare nicknames for our child one day.

She really doesn't have a brain, my entire family is convinced she has a pea sized brain if anything. she is a sweet soul but can't figure out simple things that dogs usually do. FOR INSTANCE the morning that she thought she had to keep the empty peanut butter jar in her food bowl with her food at the same time.

She also known for her gift giving. I will put a million dollars on betting my dog will give you a present upon entering our home. May it be a sock, bra, paper clip, wood chip, shoe or even recipes she will always greet you with a present.

I got home from work this morning and she brought me Chris' huge flip flop. Thanks Nola.

So I have to say, 6 years later...

We love her to pieces, she may have bizarre habits and think that all 85lbs of her is the size of a lap dog but I wouldn't trade her in for anything. And if your wondering, Nolan and Nola's name have NOTHING in common other than the first...ohh... 4 letters. LOL. That was Chris' main concern when we were picking Nolan's name. He originally hated it because it sounds like our dog's name, but I didn't care, I feel in love with it for a whole different reason. But I really do think Nola misses Nolan because I catch her in his room ALL. the time, before she never really laid in there. Ironic? Probably but I don't care.

Food for thought

A thought.. it's something that has been lurking in my head lately so why not try to type it out...

I AM a MOM. I always feel like I have to remind myself. I have come across so many bloggers that are part of these communities known as Mommy Blogs, where they talk about their experiences and such and such. I really like blogging too and have done the same but I don't fit in. I can't add my site to a Top Mommy blog because quite honestly, I don't write about how I am mothering a child. I have no advice to give, no product reviews to write about and no new pictures to show of little ones. Yet, I can share my battle with grief and tell you how it is to live day by day, hour by hour wishing this pain would go away, learning to live a new normal and try to keep your babies story alive- I'm good at that. One example of this is on thebump.com they have this section for "Real Moms. Real Stories"

Ironic that they add this to the Pregnancy Loss/Miscarriage board- Where's the knife?

 

You think they would ever consider my story, naw probably not. It would scare the living crap out of people- I don't want to do that. I admit, I have a scary story but the part that I gave birth to a 13 ounce miracle who made it 3 days makes it pretty real and makes me a MOM. Right?

  It hit the other night when I went to add my blog to a list and it asked what category my blog is in...

Parenting (life with kids)
Fashion/Beauty
Relationships
Infertility
Politics
ect ect

I DON'T KNOW!
NONE OF THEM!
I don't have a life with kids but yet I am a Mother? Where would I fit in? Parenting (life without kids)?

I feel like I am in a constant battle reminding myself that I am a Mom, a mother to a 13 ounce little boy. The only time I feel like his Mom is when people talk about him or ask about him. It made my night last night when one of the x-ray tech at work looked at his picture on my name badge and asked if he could look at my little boy.
OF COURSE you can, that's right.. he was MY little boy. I had a little son.
Maybe this is all coming to terms that I am just a different kind of Mom. Does that mean when I have a baby in my arms I become the real Mom? or a living Mom? I don't know.. this all probably sounds crazy but it's stuff I think about.

I guess I am just in an identity crisis. I hold no grudge against those in the desired club, many are my friends. But I just so badly want to feel part of them too. I just feel like the kid left out in recess, or the last kid to be picked on a team. Get it?

So in attempts to connect with other Moms and feel like part of the club that is socially acceptable I figured it wouldn't hurt to join this twitter thing. Maybe it will help. (forgive me, I am still learning how to use this darn thing)


I am ashamed to admit, I like Twitter. I PROMISED and swore up and down that I would never get it, but it has slowly grown on me. So since I am always up to follow new people I had to post this when I read it on TaterTwins blog this morning.

Check out the Yo Tweets Twaffic Exchange CARNIVAL-

1. Click on my twitter Icon above. Follow me!
2. Shout me a hello on twitter. @smashrt I follow!! #yotweeps
Then I'll know you followed and I'll reciprocate. SO EASY to do this way! Especially if you use tweetdeck.
3. Do YOU want more tweeps? Blog about it.


4. Also for more tweeps, click on the dude above.

Missing him.

Missing him.

Missing his perfect huge feet just like his Daddy's

Missing our family of 3

Missing the happiness

Missing being happy for others

Craving that happiness again.

This is what made me so happy 12 months ago. The carefree, exciting announcement that we were expecting. 

I just miss it. I miss it all.  

Hoarding

Hi, my name is Ashley and I hoard anchors. My husband is convinced you will find me on the show Hoarders in 20 years buried in a pile of anchors. Well at least they will be able to figure out the root cause.

I just can't help myself. 

Today, I found these flip flops and if the price wasn't so high I would be sporting them as I type this. Looks like I will be on a sale watch. Yes, I had to make a statement and get my pedi with anchors today. Hey, Val encouraged it too!! Gosh I am lame, I know.

 

Disney wonders

I miss my baby. Plain and simple.

We went to Orlando this weekend to visit with a grade school/high school best friend and her husband and Mom and the whole time we were there, I couldn't help but think about what's missing. We should have had a stroller with us and we should have been passing the little guy around at lunch. I should have been able to buy him Mickey ears with the elastic neck thing to keep it on and his name written in cursive on the front.

Nolan

I'm sure it didn't help that we were at Disney where like 1 million strollers are around and little 2 year olds running around. Happy families were EVERYWHERE! It made me miss Nolan so much. I kept wondering if Chris and I will ever be able to bring a child to Disney. I mean, it's a valid thought and one that makes me sad because I am actually worrying about this.

I even turned to Chris at one point when a toddler boy was in front of us and said... "Do you think we will ever get to be those parents?"

I think what it comes down to is, I am just plain FRUSTRATED. I am frustrated with the 'what ifs', 'should have beens', 'would have beens' and ect ect. I just want my Nolan back, I just want him here and want to be living the naive life of a family of 3.

Will we ever be there? A family of 4? Only time, patience and praying will tell.

On another note, please keep Lauren my close blog friend in your prayers and thoughts today.

A gift

Amy (Kalli's Mom) is one of my bestest friends. She is the one who I have walked this journey with the closest besides Chris. We have spent countless nights talking, sharing feelings, anger, hopes, stories....everything under the sun.

So back in November when she asked if I had any special outfits I had for Nolan, I wasn't surprised at all. You have no idea how many outfits we had already bought for him. She asked me to send her my favorite outfit because she had something special in mind. But, I didn't have the heart or strength to pull out Nolan's tote and go through his outfits, I knew it would put me in a dark place.

While we were on the cruise, my best friend Valorie came over and went through his outfits. I told her to pick any of the anchor onsies or outfits because those were ALL my favorites. So she did just that and sent it to Amy.

Look what came in the mail this week....Ironically enough, the outfit she used to make this bear is the very first outfit we bought for Nolan. We got it from Babies R Us just a few hours after we found out he was a boy. Perfect outfit, perfect baby, perfect friend in this journey with me that knows exactly what touches a mommy's heart that lost their baby. Thank you Amy.

8 months

2/3 of a year since our Nolan was born. I love celebrating his month birthdays, it's a part of the healing I guess. Since I am working tonight, we didn't do anything special but I have been thinking of him non stop. I am thankful for everyone that remembers with us, it helps remind me that people are too thinking about him all the time which in turn reminds me that I am a Mom & that others recognize that.
Do you want to know what made me SO happy the other night? I was really bummed out because I had to get a new iphone and I lost all my pictures, contacts, notes, dates ect. I normally have it backed up but since restoring my computer this week I hadn't done that yet. There were 3 pictures that I have had saved on my phone that I took with my phone when Nolan was in the NICU and I LOST those. Actually the one in my blog header is one of them. So I was bumming and Chris said I'll send you what I have. He had one of three and then..... he had 2 I have never seen before. I think he took them the day he was born while I was in recovery or something. He didn't even have his goggles on yet. I can't even tell you how exciting it was to see a picture that I had not seen, I thought I have seen them all. It was just a little piece of Nolan that felt 'new'.

So 8 months ago, we became parents. 8 months ago was the happiest day of our life but the most scary at the same time. 8 months ago we met the most perfect 13 ounce miracle. So if you haven't yet, please consider donating to Nolan's March of Dimes walk. We were able to meet him 8 months ago because of the NICU and I want to give back. Every $1 counts. Thank you everyone for supporting Nolan and his walk!!
(Click on the March of Dimes box to the right to donate--------------->)

Crashing down

I feel like the world as I used to know it is crashing down. I sit here and have so many thoughts racing through my head. Once again, the grief comes when you least expect it and it floods my brain with so many emotions. I'm sure the hype of the Duggar special started all these emotions. I just started thinking about 'our story' and all the emotions that came with that day.

I'm sick of grief, I am sick of feeling like something is constantly being dangled over my head. I am so tired of waking up and remember what my new normal is. I am exhausted from thinking what Nolan would look like or being doing right now. I wonder what Chris' and I routine would be. Just sick of wondering. I want to be experiencing!!!

I'm so tired of feeling like I need to keep the strong face. I am barely hanging on most days, but society wants to see that I am moving on and being strong. Geesh, all my readers even say how strong I am and I try to hold that and lie to myself that I am, but I really am not. I'm not.

Want to know what else I am so tired of?
Sad music. Half these songs I never would have known of if we never lost Nolan. But now that's my comfort. I would so much rather be listening to lullaby's and nursery rhymes.

I am sick of wondering when it will be our time to enjoy and have a family at home. It consumes my thoughts if we will ever get there. I shouldn't even have these, Nolan should be home with us. It's not the getting pregnant part, it's the 'nourishing' the baby while it's in my stomache will it ever make it to 36 weeks part. It's exhausting to think of.

I am sad that I avoid listening to Nolan's song at all costs to avoid the emotion. I can't even watch his video on my sidebar because I am so afraid of that breakdown. I should be watching his video all the time, its the only memory I have.

I'm so over avoiding other babies, but until we have our own in our arms, it will be that way. I hate it.
I'm so tired of feeling like the elephant in the room at work. I am tired of being "that girl" that lost her baby" I want to be happy like all my other friends with babies.
I'm sick of feeling jealous of what we don't have.

I'm sad that I have not gone back to visit Nolan since that one day last week. I am so afraid to go back and see no flowers, no life and no color at his site that I know I will fall into more tears if I go. What the hell is wrong with me? I just remind myself that MAYBE the church is getting ready to set up the statue and everything that we had arranged but I still haven't called to confirm.

I miss Nolan. I can't even put into words what this feels like. I look at his pictures and dammit, he was so perfect. Why him? Why us? He was a perfectly formed baby, I grew him- it's just amazing.

I am just so tired of grief. Tired of it being part of my life and every time I think I am feeling a little better, it shows up in odd ways. I'm so tired of feeling left behind and left out.

I'm going to go finish crying myself a river and get it all out for the time being. I tried to write it out because it usually helps, but tonight... I'm only half way there.

Pot Roast Thoughts

I think I just mastered the Pot Roast in the crock pot. I am not for certain yet but the aroma and quick bite of one of the carrots has me drooling for more. So what am I waiting for? Chris to get home from work at 6am. So my pot roast has been cooking since 10pm last night and should be finished just about when he walks in the door.

Now I am sitting here in the dark counting down the last few hours until Chris gets home. I have entertained the idea how I should be hanging out with a little guy named Nolan instead of watching movie after movie all alone and making midnight pot roasts. Like, shouldn't I be feeding him off and on through the night? Wait no... he would be older?...right? Babies that age sleep though the night? God, I don't even know and I am a freaking Mom! Why don't I know?... Because I never got to bring him home to find out. To watch him grow, learn his habits and enjoy the simple things. I am a Mom that doesn't know how to do 'Mom' things. What does a 7 month old do? Dare I google and find out, I think I will pass on that one. Will I ever find out what a 7 month old does? Who knows, but the unknown gives more anxiety than you can think of.

See how a simple midnight pot roast can bring the overwhelming emptiness that occupies my thoughts. Here I am rambling about my thoughts, partially because I felt inclined to blog since I am watching that Julia & Julie movie, you know the one about blogging. I guess you got what was on my mind once again, random.

Dear Nolan,

A year ago this week, I was 6 weeks pregnant with you. You were the size of a raspberry or blueberry or something like that. I was getting cravings, popping out of my normal size jeans and craving the wine I couldn't have and was out of energy. Just a year ago, I was clueless. A year ago, I was naive. A year ago, I thought in 9 months we would be rocking you to sleep, staying in on the weekends and making our world circle around you.

But a year later, your nursery is a memory room and remains empty. Your clothes and toys are carefully packed and hidden in the back of your closet. Your name is spoken of in memories and not stories. Our world now circles around keeping your memory alive. A year later, I crave being pregnant with you again. I crave the happy first few months, the months when we had no clue how sick you were. I crave that excitement and hope that you carry with you when your pregnant.

I remember I ate, breathed, and talked baby for months. We were just SO EXCITED about our arrival. We had been planning you (well a baby) for over a year. Every baby I saw gave me baby fever and we were so excited that we were going to be able to start that journey in 2009. I can't even begin to tell you how much you were wanted before you were even a twinkle in our eyes.

I miss you Nolan. I get so mad that I don't have the blog I was suppose to have with you. You know the blogs that show pictures and videos of you growing. We would be writing posts with funny stories about you or new adventures you went on. Instead, I have 9 posts of our life. It just seems too short. I still can't believe that you would be 7 months old right now.

Mommy has had a rough week and I need you to bring me some strength or something of those sorts. I just have so much going through my head and I can't stop thinking about you. I keep thinking about how in an instant your world can turn upside down- as we all learned. (Gosh, I just thought of all those people in Haiti as I typed that). I love you little guy, miss you and I think about you all the time. Send Mommy some comfort & strength and maybe a little- ok big- present sometime soon.

Miss you munchkin.
Love,
Your Mommy

Broken

We assume the really serious changes in our lives happen slowly over time...but it's not true, the big stuff happens in an instant. -Meridith

Isn't that the truth? I've kind of been down this week, have writers block and just plain blah. But I came across this song tonight and the lyrics just...well fits how I feel. Plain and simple.

Date Shy

I love when the 8th of each month comes. It gives us a little day to celebrate Nolan and think about how old he would be.

But then the 11th comes just 3 short days after. Can I just take it off the calender? It would save a lot of bad memories that sneak up when I look at the date. Has it really been 7 months? We are past the 6 month goal, now what? Before we know it, it's going to be a year. As bad as I wanted time to fly, I am terrified of forgeting memories. They are already faded, so what will happen at a year, 5 years, 20 years. I don't want to forget anything. I just want to forget the raw stabbing feeling that I felt 7 months ago today.

I went to church yesterday in the FREEZING Florida weather and it was all about Jesus Baptism and it just seemed so sweet. I am so proud that Nolan was baptised before he went to Heaven. Now I can't wait until we can bring a baby into church for a Baptism. I have NO plans on another NICU Baptism.

Thanks for all the flower suggestions. I wanted to do white for winter, but I didn't like any of the white flowers at JoAnns. Then I found this yellow butterfly and that inspired me to do a yellow arrangement. Then I saw the pinwheel and I think it brings a little bit of warmth and sunshine to the chilly Florida temps. So I spent some time talking to Nolan yesterday, as long as the cold weather allowed me. I have no winter jacket so it was a short visit. I told him our hopes, wishes and prayers that we have been asking for. I am hoping that Nolan heard me.... PLEASE.

As far as the kitchen, your votes and Chris' changed mind left our kitchen... red. I still want to change it to blue for fun, so red it will stay, at least for now.

Flowers

I'm stuck.
Trying to decide on the perfect flowers for Nolan for the season and I can't think of any. I am sure your thinking any flower arrangement will work, so why are you stressing over it. Right?

I don't blame you, I think it's my way of being his Mom. I guess you can compare it to finding the perfect nursery or the best Halloween costume or maybe even that perfect outfit for a certain occasion. But I am left to flowers- flowers to put at my baby's grave. So yes, in my mind- I want them perfect and meaningful. He only deserves flowers made from our hearts. So what would be good?...

It looks like I will be craft store hopping today to collect all the perfect things for this months flowers. I'm thinking a white winter theme since it seems to be snowing everywhere but Florida. I think Nolan would like those.

I can't believe I am writing a post about putting flowers at my baby's grave, still just seems so surreal to me. As I said, just one of those 'holy cow this is my life' moments.

On the other hand, the lady at McDonalds last night asked if I had any children. I just smiled and nodded and thought...
"Yes, yes I do"
It was just one of those moments and I felt like a Mom, I love those moments. So simple, but so meaningful.

"MOM"

I am a MOM.

Sometimes I forget that I am- like a real MOM.

I think it's because I don't have a constant reminder looking back at me everyday and needing me. I know I HAD Nolan, I know I am his Mother... but I often forget that I am a MOM.

I'm sure this makes no sense. It's just on my mind and it's bothering me. Maybe because I dreamed of the day I would be called a Mom. I think being the oldest of 4 kids helped this, I was the 3rd provider, especially being 5 years older then the other 3. It's in my blood and I so want to be a Mom just like mine. I guess I never expected to be this type of Mom, who does..???

I was over helping Val paint tonight and she was telling me a story about another couple they hang out with and all I could think about is... Is that the family that brought their newborn over to your house before Chris and I got married? I remember I was so EXCITED to hold the baby and Val was telling the Mom that I was itching to have our own.

I really did think we had our ducks in line. Our wedding would be awesome, we would get pregnant and have the perfect family and live happily ever after. I don't think I took into account that 'things' don't always go as planned.

Just as I remember doing clinical hours as a student in the NICU back in 2006. I remember the tiny tiny baby fighting, and remember when he coded and didn't make it. I remember being on the 'other side' and seeing the nurses and RT's prepare the family, put them in the family room, dress up the baby in it's only outfit, taking 'that' picture and NOW I WAS THAT FAMILY.

That was really ME!

I was the one that watched my son code, prayed out loud the Our Father & Hail Mary as they were doing compressions on OUR BABY. The family that sobbed at the bedside and had to make the split second decision to stop the code. The family that was walked to 'that room' with my heartless son in my arms.

THAT family that had to call all the family members in 2am to tell them to come say their final goodbye. THAT family that I know the nurses were just waiting for us to give Nolan back to them so they could take his final picture and rearrange all the details that I was once on the other side. We were THAT family.
Holy cow, THIS is my definition of MOTHER. I hope, pray and beg that the next time we never have to step foot in the NICU and that we get to walk (me wheel) out the doors of Healthpark with a baby in arms. Please please please pray with me as I hope this is how it works out next time. I guess when I saw the family lose their baby in the NICU as a student, I NEVER EVER expected for it to be 'US' one day.

WOW. Life is so unpredictable.

But, in the end... we gave life.. We are parents. I am A MOM, Chris is a DAD. Just a different kind than we ever pictured. EVER.