Pass the how-to manual

A year ago this weekend, I was at a birthday party. It was this very birthday party that I laid on the floor of the bathroom behind a locked door and poked my belly trying to get our son to move- he wouldn't budge. I hadn't felt him all night, my ankles were swollen and I just knew something wasn't right. I couldn't enjoy myself the rest of the night, you could visibly see that something was bothering me.

That's the last time I was out with friends before we lost Nolan.

Tonight, we were at that very same birthday party. It hit me and it came out of nowhere.

It's that time of year. June is here. June is here TOMORROW. The month I have so graciously put in the back of my mind like it was to be forgotten about. I'm not saying I want to forget the life we were given for 2.5 days. But to forget all those feelings that are going to come tumbling down with no notice. Kind of like they did tonight.

The weather is changing like it does every June. It rains every afternoon, the hot and humid Florida air is back and it reminds me SO much of the days after we lost Nolan. The days I was planning his funeral, the rain never seemed to stop. That weather is back. It's just a grim reminder that time of year is here. It's also the same weather that lasts ALL summer, the same weather those months of deep grieving I went through.

I'm not ready to face the next few weeks. I'm not ready for these feelings. I have done so well disguising them for months. Huge breakdowns seem to be a thing of the past, that was until tonight. They are back, unpredicable and unstoppable.

Does anyone have the manual on how to face these dates, the month, the feelings. I know so many of us have already gone through this. HOW?! Do I wallow in my tears? Do I avoid hugs? Do I go into hiding? Do I distract myself? How do I do it? I know there are so many different ways but can't there be a step by step manual on how to go through these dates being gentle on yourself?

In 11 days, I will face the hardest day yet in the past year. I'm sure it will be a hot muggy afternoon, the rain will beat on the windows and all I will be able to do it replay in my head what happened on that very day exactly one year ago. It's scary, it's raw and I am just not ready to feel it.

I just miss him more than I could ever express, more than I could put into words and more than life itself. I just want to see him kicking again in his isolette. I want to feel that "everything is going to be okay" feeling that I got when he was in the NICU. Never in a million years during those 2.5 days did I think we would watch Nolan slip out of our hands right in front of us. It's just so surreal.

I am going to be a hard person to be around the next few weeks. I know I will "get through" it, I obviously got through a lot already. But it doesn't help the fact that I am going to feel this all over again.

Disney wonders

I miss my baby. Plain and simple.

We went to Orlando this weekend to visit with a grade school/high school best friend and her husband and Mom and the whole time we were there, I couldn't help but think about what's missing. We should have had a stroller with us and we should have been passing the little guy around at lunch. I should have been able to buy him Mickey ears with the elastic neck thing to keep it on and his name written in cursive on the front.

Nolan

I'm sure it didn't help that we were at Disney where like 1 million strollers are around and little 2 year olds running around. Happy families were EVERYWHERE! It made me miss Nolan so much. I kept wondering if Chris and I will ever be able to bring a child to Disney. I mean, it's a valid thought and one that makes me sad because I am actually worrying about this.

I even turned to Chris at one point when a toddler boy was in front of us and said... "Do you think we will ever get to be those parents?"

I think what it comes down to is, I am just plain FRUSTRATED. I am frustrated with the 'what ifs', 'should have beens', 'would have beens' and ect ect. I just want my Nolan back, I just want him here and want to be living the naive life of a family of 3.

Will we ever be there? A family of 4? Only time, patience and praying will tell.

On another note, please keep Lauren my close blog friend in your prayers and thoughts today.

Broken

We assume the really serious changes in our lives happen slowly over time...but it's not true, the big stuff happens in an instant. -Meridith

Isn't that the truth? I've kind of been down this week, have writers block and just plain blah. But I came across this song tonight and the lyrics just...well fits how I feel. Plain and simple.

Resolutions & Goals

Yup, every single year everyone does it. Expect to see a million people at the gym and grocery lines filled with healthy bites, but come Jan 31st it all dissipates...well most of it. I am guilty of it, healthy eating, exercising, stop biting my nails, ect ect. And within the first week, I forgot what I even set out to do. So this year I am making goals vs resolutions, aren't they pretty much the same thing anyways?
So here we go...

Ashley's 2010 Goals

• Start working on some NICU projects I have in mind, this may take some time and may have to wait until Chris and I have a baby to bring home. I need to find that inner strength first to walk back into the NICU let alone the hospital it's in.

• Become crafty. So many blogs are devoted to DIY projects and home decor crafts and I'm itching to learn it all!
  
• Have a healthy pregnancy and make it past 26 weeks without getting sick and having a baby with no IUGR. (Gosh I wish this was the easy one)
• Maintain a healthy diet and start to exercise on a regular basis.
• Grow in my faith, have more trust and let God lead me.

I want this year to be about something good, something desired, something new. I want to become a better wife, clean more, cook more (I think I need to learn to cook first) and all around be a happier wife. I want to embrace the time we have as just us (since we were given no choice). Even though we are 110% ready to give our lives to a child, I know one day when that baby has colic 12 hours of the day, we're working full time and trying to keep things together, we will look back and realize how precious this time as 'us' really does matter. Even if that 'us' time is during a 8 month pregnancy- I'm 100% content.

So what is your 2010 goal?

Welcome 2010

Welcome! God I love 2010 already!

Our New Years Day party went GREAT! A bunch of family & friends came over to welcome in the New Year and watch all the bowl games. One of them being Bobby Bowdens last game coaching FSU and if you know anything about Chris and I.... WE LOVE FSU! AND we WON!!!!!!! Thank God!

So I made my famous sloppy joes, and an awesome taco dip and shared in tons of beer and wine. Can't get much better than that.

What a great start to 2010 and a perfect way to ring in the new year, all on positive notes! Now only if 2010 can keep up and give us all a great year! Can't wait to see what next years New Years Eve post will be about. Lets all hope it's filled with good news and celebration!

CHEERS!