2/3 of a year since our Nolan was born. I love celebrating his month birthdays, it's a part of the healing I guess. Since I am working tonight, we didn't do anything special but I have been thinking of him non stop. I am thankful for everyone that remembers with us, it helps remind me that people are too thinking about him all the time which in turn reminds me that I am a Mom & that others recognize that. Do you want to know what made me SO happy the other night? I was really bummed out because I had to get a new iphone and I lost all my pictures, contacts, notes, dates ect. I normally have it backed up but since restoring my computer this week I hadn't done that yet. There were 3 pictures that I have had saved on my phone that I took with my phone when Nolan was in the NICU and I LOST those. Actually the one in my blog header is one of them. So I was bumming and Chris said I'll send you what I have. He had one of three and then..... he had 2 I have never seen before. I think he took them the day he was born while I was in recovery or something. He didn't even have his goggles on yet. I can't even tell you how exciting it was to see a picture that I had not seen, I thought I have seen them all. It was just a little piece of Nolan that felt 'new'. So 8 months ago, we became parents. 8 months ago was the happiest day of our life but the most scary at the same time. 8 months ago we met the most perfect 13 ounce miracle. So if you haven't yet, please consider donating to Nolan's March of Dimes walk. We were able to meet him 8 months ago because of the NICU and I want to give back. Every $1 counts. Thank you everyone for supporting Nolan and his walk!! (Click on the March of Dimes box to the right to donate--------------->)
I love when the 8th of each month comes. It gives us a little day to celebrate Nolan and think about how old he would be.
But then the 11th comes just 3 short days after. Can I just take it off the calender? It would save a lot of bad memories that sneak up when I look at the date.Has it really been 7 months?We are past the 6 month goal, now what? Before we know it, it's going to be a year. As bad as I wanted time to fly, I am terrified of forgeting memories. They are already faded, so what will happen at a year, 5 years, 20 years. I don't want to forget anything. I just want to forget the raw stabbing feeling that I felt 7 months ago today.
I went to church yesterday in the FREEZING Florida weather and it was all about Jesus Baptism and it just seemed so sweet. I am so proud that Nolan was baptised before he went to Heaven. Now I can't wait until we can bring a baby into church for a Baptism. I have NO plans on another NICU Baptism.
Thanks for all the flower suggestions. I wanted to do white for winter, but I didn't like any of the white flowers at JoAnns. Then I found this yellow butterfly and that inspired me to do a yellow arrangement. Then I saw the pinwheel and I think it brings a little bit of warmth and sunshine to the chilly Florida temps. So I spent some time talking to Nolan yesterday, as long as the cold weather allowed me. I have no winter jacket so it was a short visit. I told him our hopes, wishes and prayers that we have been asking for. I am hoping that Nolan heard me.... PLEASE. As far as the kitchen, your votes and Chris' changed mind left our kitchen... red. I still want to change it to blue for fun, so red it will stay, at least for now.
7 Good Memories of June 8th 2009 for the 7 months old Nolan would be if he was still here.
1. I remember calling my Mom and Dad from Pre-op to tell them we picked a name. Ok, ok.. more like Chris gave into my Mom and I's favorite name, Nolan. He caved when I was balling my eyes out because we didn't have a name for our baby that wasn't suppose to even be here for another 4 months. Any who, I just remember my Mom & Dad being SO happy. Man did Nolan live up to his name, little fighter.
2. I remember while I was waiting in Pre-OP, Nolan kicked me SO HARD, it was like a reassurance he was going to fight. It was the first time I had felt him kick in a few days, it was the best feeling especially when I was used to feeling him kick ALL the time.
3. I remember hearing Nolan squeak. It was short lived, but he squeaked- meaning I heard my baby cry. Something I will never ever take for granted.
4. I remember when the delivery nurse in the OR came over to tell me that Nolan's APGARS were 8 & 8 which then Dr Fish said, well darn Ashley, that's better than some of my full term babies. That's right, Nolan had to show him how strong he was and it was my very first proud moment.
5. I remember meeting Nolan for the very first time. I was pretty drugged and they took me strait to the NICU from post-op, so my memories are fading as time passes. But I do remember them rolling my stretcher into the NICU and parking me next to Nolan for a few minutes. I don't remember what I said or what Chris and I talked about, but I remember taking this picture. Weird huh? This was the FIRST picture I took of him, just an hour after he was born. 6. I remember how excited Chris was. He was showing off all the pictures from the camera to everyone that visited and told every detail of Nolan. How perfectly small he was to how much he looked like us. It melted my heart.
7. I remember showing off every single picture on my laptop to every single nurse, tech, Doctor, family, friend, RT friends that were working that day. If you walked in our room, you met Nolan via laptop. I was just so proud of him.
Happy 7 month Birthday in Heaven little guy. I love you!
6 months ago today... My world was turned upside down, dreams were shattered and we started a journey we never ever expected to take. 6 months ago I lost my baby. My perfect and teeny tiny Nolan who we had so many hopes and dreams for.... left us. I can't even begin to tell you what I felt in those few days and weeks after because 6 months later it seems to be a blur. I don't remember who I talked to, who visited, cards that were sent or things I did. I somehow got through each day and found comfort writing in this blog. Which to this day, I am terrified to go back and read the months of June & July because I am so scared to 'feel' those feelings because I remember writing them so vividly.
6 months later, grieving is different. The days between tears get further apart and the piercing stabbing pain is not a frequent visitor as it used to be, although she shows up unexpected when it comes. I am not as jealous as I used to be of other pregnancies and babies, yet I am still very sensitive to babies born around Nolan's due date. It's hard to see them and correlate how big Nolan would be or look like. I wish it wasn't this way, but it is.
6 months later, I have a hard time with accepting the unknown. The unknown of why Nolan left, why my body failed and if Chris and I will ever have a baby to bring home. I have a hard time accepting the fact we visit our baby at his grave in a memorial garden and I shop for flowers to make arrangements instead of baby clothes and toys. I have a hard time accepting why God chose us to take this journey. Why why why?
6 months later I still find myself back in a pre-baby routine consisting of Chris and I going out on dates, working full time, up keeping our house and enjoying our marriage. I agree getting back into a daily routine helped to grieve but it also put some feelings on the back burner and when I am not distracted, they can strike at any time unexpectedly. Sometimes the pain is just at raw as the second I feel into Chris arms after we lost him standing by his incubator in the NICU. The feeling of overwhelming shock and pain come flooding back.
6 months later, I still wish and hope I will wake up from this nightmare. I wish I never met some of the women I have that have gone through a similar loss, but they have been my support and I am thankful I have them.
But 6 months later I am learning to regain some of that hope back. Hope that 2010 will be our year. Hope that Dad will heal, my parents house will sell, new job for Dad and a 2010 baby for Chris and I. 2010 has got to be our year. Positive thoughts and lots of hope and prayers.
Happy 6 month birthday up there in Heaven. I am sitting here at your grave writing this as I type. I left work and came straight here to see you. Just a short 6 months ago I was crying my eyes out trying to bargain with the Drs to let you stay put in my belly. I knew you weren't ready to come and fought for you to stay. Needless to say, mommy was too sick to fight anymore. I can't believe it's been 6 months since the day I first heard you cry to the first time I met you when they wheeled me into the NICU right after I came out of the OR. I feel like those moments are so foggy compared to what I used to remember. I hate that.
So as I sit here I wonder how big you would be, wonder about the things you would be doing, what outfits you would wear, if you would be sleeping through the night, what size diapers I would be buying, who would be watching you while mommy and daddy work... And this list could go on and on. I am always wondering and dreaming about what it would be like to have you with us still.
I made you new flowers and put them out just now. They ate pretty Christmas-y but it's the only holiday thing I am doing this year, decorating your grave. I gave you a snow man since it's Florida and you will never see snow here. And you have a little Christmas tree, it's the best mommy could do for you. I miss you with all my heart and you know I think about you constantly. This week is hard for mommy since grandpa is having his big surgery. Daddy & I are going to Cincinnati tomorrow morning to be there for him. Keep a special watch over Grandpa, he loves you more than you can imagine.
Happy birthday angel, your the beat thing that ever happened to your daddy and I and we will always remember our little miracle that entered this world 6 months ago.
Happy 5 month birthday little guy. I guess I wouldn't consider you an infant anymore being that you would have been 5 months. I know you would still be pretty small, but still be 5 months! I miss you so much and I know I should write you more but your probably sick of hearing me say the same thing over and over again. I feel like a broken record most the time. I just want you to know that you are thought of often. There is not one moment that goes by that I don't think about you or how big you would be or what milestones you would be approaching.
I promised myself I would never look up what your milestones would be given a certain age.But I just can't help myself. So according to babycenter.com
You would be able to reach accurately for an object and hold your head steady when sitting upright.
You would be able to roll over in one direction.
You would pay attention to very small objects and be able to squeal with delight with spontaneously smiles.
Amazing to think with as small as you were, you would be able to do these things. God I wish I could have experienced this with you baby.
5 months ago right now, your grandma was begging me to take her up to meet you in the NICU. I made her wait all day because I didn't want her to meet you without me there. I guess you could say Mommy wasn't feeling so good after my surgery and had a hard time staying awake let alone get out of bed, so poor Gma had to wait a long time. You were the ONLY reason I got out of that bed. I would do anything now to sit with you every second and every minute you lived in the NICU. I regret not spending all that extra time with you more than anything. I took the time here you had for granted and thought I had all the time in the world to spend with you. I was selfish and took a lot of that time to heal. I knew you were in great hands and I didn't want to annoy your nurses with my presence. But now I look back on it and I know they would have let me sit there for hours upon hours if I wanted to. I even remember them asking me if I wanted a chair, but I declined and just used my IV pole to stay steady.
My favorite thing about watching you was when you would kick your little legs like crazy. You had so much life to you. There was not a doubt that you were weak, at least you didn't show it. You held on to your daddy's finger and kicked your huge feet against my hands. I just wish I could go back and feel that one more time. You were so real, more real than anything in this world and as time passes, I feel like those moments are slipping away. Not the moments of you, but the details of the moment. I guess all that matters is you.
Nolan, I just want you back here with me and your Daddy. Your Daddy misses you SO much. He is always talking about you. He visits you all the time and every time he leaves, he gives you a kiss with his hand. He misses you Nolan, you made his day when you came out crying. A 6'7" tall man who is one not to share his emotions, he shed tears. You melted that mans heart and I know if you were still here you would have you wrapped around his huge fingers.
I love you Nolan. I am trying to live my new normal and I know you are the one helping me get though it. But some days are harder than others and on those days I think extra about you. I have had a few rough weeks and all I can think about is how I wouldn't be dealing with any of this had you been able to stay here. Here with your Mommy and Daddy. We leave on our cruise in your memory in 16 days and as much as I am excited for it, I wish we weren't going because it would mean you were here. Our next cruise was planned for when you were 6 months old and your Grandmas and Grandpa's, Aunts and Uncle were all going to come. But it's amazing how things can change in a blink of an eye.
I pray that your keeping an eye out for a very special brother or sister to send our way in the coming months. I know you will keep him/her safe through out the pregnancy, I know you know how hard we fought for you and will do the same in the future. I love you baby boy, I am sure you are growing like a weed up there in Heaven. I am sure you are being well taken care of.
I promise Nolan, I will live every second of everyday just for you. Love, Your Mommy
P.S. Just listen Nolan, it's like I am singing you a lulluby. This is a perfect song, no words to describe it. I love you. I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take Things I wanted to show you Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not Truth is I'm barely hanging on But there's a greater story Written long before me Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you While your heart beats here Long beyond the empty cradle Through the coming years I will carry you All my life And I will praise the One Who's chosen me To carry you
Such a short time Such a long road All this madness But I know That the silence Has brought me to His voice And He says...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning Walked her through the parted seas Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes Who could love her like this?
I will carry you While your heart beats here Long beyond the empty cradle Through the coming years I will carry you All your life And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me To carry you
Last night I was at work and Chris text me around 2am saying he was awake. I text him back asking what the heck he was doing awake since he wakes up at 415am to go to work. He said he woke up thirsty and is going back to bed.
Fast forward to this morning. I was talking to him on my way home and he mentions again about waking up at 2am. I said, "Yaaa I woke up around 2pm yesterday. It sucks."
He replies, "I think Nolan nudged me awake. Because when I woke up I smiled and he was the first thing I thought of... instantly."
I didn't think anything of this for a few seconds until it all clicked. He woke up at the same time Nolan left us 4 months ago, it was 2am when he coded for the last time.
How could I not have thought about this at work?! There is NO way I forgot, because the other 3 months I was dreading the hours around 2am on the 11th for a reason. And last night, it was like Nolan gave me the strength to get through my night with a smile. Chris said he knew better to remind me while at work why he was awake when I asked. But I just find it amazing how sneaky that date was. I even was charting after midnight and realized the date said Oct. 11th. BUT, it didn't cross my mind. All I have been thinking about is his 4 month birthday, and I think SO much about how big he would be or wonder what he would be doing right about now, that his angel anniversary didn't even pop up in my mind.
Thank God & Nolan for that strength, because if I didn't have it... work would have been one long lonely sad and depressing night. I would have thought about it all night where I was just 4 short months ago at that very time. I was in a quiet room, with my cold heartlessbeautiful baby wrapped in a little blue blanket crying and holding him as tight as I could passing him between Chris & I. That moment I felt frozen in time. I NEVER EVER want to feel those feelings again, and quite frankly I need to stop writing right now.. because the feelings are so raw I can feel them just typing.
Good night and I love you Nolan. I miss you SO much...so much. I had so many hopes and dreams for you little one. I wish you had the chance.
Happy 4 month birthday lil guy. I hope you are having a good time up there in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy down here miss you terribly and wish we could have you back here with us. I am so proud of your fight you started 4 months ago. Your cry(squeak) we heard as soon as you were born was music to my ears. It was instant gratification that I knew you were going to put up a fight.
Everyday I look for the opportunity to talk about you. I think I have to be the proudest Mommy. I talk about you at work, at weddings and even to strangers I meet. I show them your tiny little feet that is on the back of my name badge at work and their eyes grow huge. You were such a tiny miracle.
Mommy is missing you Nolan, more than I can ever express. I take the strength you send me to continue putting one foot in front of another every single hour of the day. You see I have my sad days where I just want to crawl in a ball and repeat over and over how much I want you here. But I have to have faith that God took you early because you were very very special to him. Although I don't fully understand this just yet, and don't think I ever will... I will try to accept it in the coming years. I know if you were still here we would be celebrating your 4th month here at home. We would have had a special celebration because all your other ones would have been spent in the NICU. But instead I will be coming up to visit you at your resting spot. I promise to tuck you in tonight when the sun sets and your nightlight turns on, it's the best I can do. (I hope you like your solar nightlight)
Keep the signs coming little one, I need those. It helps me be reminded that you are always by my side. I sleep with your baby blanket, I wear your ashes in my necklace and I pray to you every night to visit me in my dreams and I think about you every second, minute & hour of every single day. I love you Nolan and enjoy your 4 month birthday up there with Kalli, Eli, Jasper, Isaac, Myles, Kayleigh, Vincentand all the other babies that have Mommies like me.
Wow, 3 months since I was spending my first night with Nolan in the NICU, 3 months from one of the most scariest, yet most exciting times in our life. I miss him. I can't believe he would have been 3 months old today. This week is a hard one since it's his 3 month birthday, 3 months since he went to Heaven and due date. How will I get through this?!
We usually celebrate on his birthday but we are both working this month so we didn't. But I do promise I have thought about him SO MUCH the past 2 days! Not a whole lot is going on in our life right now. Just trying to get from one day to the next and counting down the days until we go on our cruise. Our cruise marks the 6 month point and 6 months is when we can try to start a family again. It's bizarre that it's already been 3 months and we are half way there. I should be getting ready to bring our precious Nolan home from the NICU.
FSU Football season started yesterday. As much as we LOVE college football. It was also a reminder of what was suppose to be this season. We were so excited to have a football baby and was already planning all his game day outfits. I remember when we got his due date, the first thing Chris looked up was when the FSU/Miami game was. He was hoping he would be here to see the first big game. So yesterday was that game, we went over to Seniors house for a cookout and some swimming. Then we had to watch the Noles loose. UGH! I just wish Nolan was here for this. Football season just isn't the same this year & I am not enjoying it as much.(One of last years game day parties)
I'll end this with a sweet picture. We had our dog Nola in the car with us when we went to visit Nolan. So guess who got to visit Nolan? Yup, that's right... Nola. (I know their names are very close to each other, and it wasn't done on purpose)
I'm writing this in complete tears because I miss you so terribly. This is probably the worst night to be home alone, but I am because your Daddy went to work and plans fell through to keep me busy. So I am sitting here wide awake and alone waiting for the 230-330am hour to pass because it's when you went to Heaven exactly 1 month ago.
1 month ago it was our last night with you, we left you in the NICU around 12:30am after Nana and Pops came to give you one last visit for the night. We were actually up there pretty late hanging out but I am so happy we did. You did the funniest thing too. When Daddy and I walked in, Dad asked you if you were behaving yourself and you instantly took both hands and covered your ears. We laughed saying you were talking back to us already. You were so freaking handsome Nolan. We left there never thinking it would be our last time seeing you. On the way back to Mommy's room we were all talking about how Aunt Maggie was flying down to meet you the next day and how about Grandpa Jim was going to meet you in a few days and we all made a bet you would make him cry.
We all went back to Mommy's hospital room and Nana & Pops hung out for awhile and ended up leaving pretty late. I had actually just started pumping for you right after they left, and I fell asleep doing it. So when I woke up still attached I yelled at your Daddy for letting me fall asleep. I was so happy because I got a lot for you and was just about to bring it out to the nurse when she came flying in saying the NICU called about you.
She detached me from my IV fluid and your Daddy and I ran up there. I never expected this to be the end. Everyone in the NICU was working on you, thinking about it is so heartbreaking. They were doing CPR and trying to get your heartbeat back. It would only come back for a few seconds at a time after giving you epi. Nothing was working, it was time for you to go to heaven. It was so hard for me baby. Being a respiratory therapist in the hospital working with adults I am confident when we stop a code on an adult, but for you it was so different. I didn't want to give up on you.
They had me hold you while they continued to do CPR and asked us if we were ready because it was time. They had worked on you for a long time and your poor 13oz body couldn't take anymore, I couldn't watch you suffer. I just remember looking at your respiratory therapist and asking what she would do....I knew she couldn't answer, but I was looking for the RT to RT nod...like yes, it's time. But she just said she couldn't give me that answer, I knew that...but it felt better to ask. But how could I give up on you, I fought so hard for you the entire pregnancy and I watched you first hand fight so hard in the NICU. But it was so hard not to keep fighting for you, but I knew you would be more at peace in Heaven.
I question God everyday why he took you. I know he has his reasons and I will understand them one day because God is good, but right now I just don't and won't understand for awhile. I try to reason it by saying you were too sick for this earth but NO!....you looked so PERFECT so how could you be so sick?!
I'm struggling with out you Nolan, everything and I mean everything reminds me of you. I am reminded how you aren't here with us right now, and I am being selfish for wanting you back but we dreamed so hard for you. It is so hard to see all my other friends have their babies because you were suppose to meet them and be baby friends with them. I'm still suppose to be pregnant with them and anxiously awaiting your arrival just like they still are! I know your looking down on all of us, but I miss you so much and would rather have you here. All I have left is my locket of you and your blanket, which I sleep with every night and wipe my never ending tears with.
Nolan, I want to hold you. I want to be visiting you in the hospital right now. I want to feel your kicks against my hands and stroke your precious little head. I want to read you The Very Hungry Caterpillar and sing you a lullaby. I want to take your temperature again and change your diaper. I want to watch you grow and cheer you on. I just want to be your Mommy here on Earth more than ANYTHING in this world right now.
I miss you munchkin. You were the absolute most perfect 13 ounces I have ever seen. You were a true miracle that you were even able to fight for those 3 days. You gave your Mommy & Daddy a chance to meet you. We marveled over you. I just wish I would have spent way more time with you up in the NICU. I wanted to give the nurses and RT's their space and let them do their thing. But I wish I would have spent many more hours up there just watching your amazing self fight.
Today when your Daddy gets home, we have a whole day planned in your honor. Uncle Hunkinsdrove down this weekend to visit us since he couldn't make your service. So we are going to go visit you with him and then go play 18 holes in golf. I'm doing this for you munchkin, I NEVER golf but I am determined to play and have a good time for you. Then I think were going to all go out to dinner with UncleHunkins and Pops. I'm sure we will spend a lot of time talking about you, how could we not?
I love you with all my breaking heart Nolan. I look forward to the day I can hold you once again in my arms. But until then I have to live my life for you and do things you never got to.
Dear Nolan, Happy 1 month birthday munchkin! Today you would have been a month old and I just wanted to tell you, even though you aren't here with Mommy & Daddy here on earth, we think you are absolutely AMAZING. Not a day goes by that we don't talk about you, and think about how wonderful you are. We loved you before we even knew of you, we couldn't WAIT to start our family and were SO excited when we first saw your heartbeat. You brought us hope, joy and so much unconditional love. You brought your Mommy and Daddy closer than we ever knew was possible. Sure we have been together for hmmm, 6 years and finally got married in December, but we sure weren't expecting to go through this in our first 6 months of marriage. This has brought us together in ways we never thought possible.
I look forward to continuing to share your story. I want people to realize how real you were. I'm convinced that some people don't fully understand how unique and special you were. There is truly only one word.... AMAZING. When people met you in the NICU, you took their breath away because they saw first hand what a miracle you were. I wish more of our friends and family had the chance to meet you.
I have a new favorite song and wanted to put something together with it. The song is called "Amazing" and I wanted to add all the pictures and movies that we have of us 3. It's our family, it will always be that way, you made our family amazing Nolan.
I wish you were still in your isolette and and we were celebrating your month birthday with you in person, we would have gave you the best month old birthday ever! We love you, miss you and think about you every single day. You will never be forgotten, trust me, you have made such a difference in the 3 very short days you were here. I love you, Mommy
Well many people have wondered what the heck happened causing Nolan to come early so here it is...
Monday 6/1- Appointment with my normal OB's (who I love) and the ultrasound showed 2.9ishAFI (amniotic fluid) which is NO GOOD. I am normally around 7-9 (Not the greatest but better) The Doctor sent me down to Labor & Delivery triage to get some fluids and sent me home on bed rest. His biggest concern was was viability. Nolan's size at the time concerned him because even though he was over 24 weeks (viability) he still wasn't the size of a 24 weeker and he was worried about admitting me and having to do a c-section if his heart rate dropped and Nolan not making it. We decided that we would go back to Fetal Maternal (the one I didn't like) but I would see a different doctor to determine the next step. My OB was also concerned with his cord and lack of fluid and he was concerned something would happen with in the next 3-5 days. I told him he was nuts in a joking way and I wouldn't let that happen as I fought back tears.
So we went home and started my bed rest. I increased my fluids & protein, laid on my left side A LOT. This week was one VERY STRESSFUL week. I think we were at the hospital 4 out of 5 days, getting labs done, NST's for no fetal movement, steroid shots for his lung maturity and ect. So obviously every time they checked my blood pressure it was higher than normal but we chalked it up to stress and nerves. And on Wednesday it was 112/80 (normal) and it was taken after we had some decent news. SO, I just thought my BP was higher because of stress. On top of this, Chris was not sleeping at all. He was working night shifts all week but dragging me to all these appointments when he was suppose to be sleeping. Poor guy. But I do give him an award for not missing one single appointment or ultrasound the entire pregnancy. (We also have jobs that allow him to do so, thankfully)
Saturday night I went to bed with a decent headache which was abnormal for me. I also had new onset of heartburn this week, but again...another pregnant symptom and I ignored it.
Sunday, I was getting stubborn being on bed rest and wanted to go get a sub at Publix. I had a minor headache and thought what the heck I will check my blood pressure while I was there. The specialist did have me do a 24 hour urine to check for preeclampsia earlier in the week and I had just turned it in on Thursday so what would it hurt if they haven't called me yet with results? Since Chris was sleeping because he had to work I decided to escape the house. Right before I left, Mary called...I told her what was going on and she insisted on going to Publix for me and she also was bringing my grandpas BP machine over so I could check my BP.
Well the BP machine gave a reading of 183/112. Ya, no good. So I called the OB's and he told me to take some meds, lay down for 30 minutes and call back with a new reading. So 30 minutes later it was the same, so he told me to go back to L&D triage to be checked out. (They knew be by first name there...sad huh)
My BP readings weren't changing so he decided to admit me to monitor my BP, give some BPmeds and do another 24 hour urine. I told him I had already done a 24 hr urine that FM ordered and turned that in 2 days ago so he went and checked that. He said my number was about 300 and that is borderline preeclampsia. He also said I had stumped him again with everything because ALL my labs were normal once again. I wasn't upset about being admitted, it actually made me feel better that they could keep a better watch on Nolan and me. BUT, I was going to miss another cardiologist appointment that we had scheduled in Tampa in the morning..once again I convinced Nolan didn't want us to see his heart.
Before going up to my room, my favorite FM Dr came in (sarcastic) She stressed for the 40th time that Nolan would not survive if he was born because he was too small, blah blah blah...they wouldn't be able to get an ET tube down him, blah blah blah. And she was SO CONCERNED about my headache. Well it was gone, thankfully b.c my OB said she would have whisked me right to c-section if I still had a headache. I was so freaking confused by all of this. Yes I work in medical but none of this was my area and wasn't making any sense to me.
The BPmeds brought my BP down the first time I took them and the nurse even thought I would be discharged with PIH and on BPmeds and I would do well on those. I was all comfy in my new room, Chris brought P.Js and my laptop so I was all set. The nurses were all so sweet and were very calming. I had NO WORRIES. Sure I had a high BP, but at least the meds were helping.
About 2am my headache came back and it was about time for another BP pill, so she gave it to me. My BP's never responded to the meds this time. I think I scared the poor tech taking my BP's out of the room because my BP was so high. So she drew my labs again, and called my OB back.
She returned with fluids and told me I could have nothing by mouth now. I knew exactly what this meant...he was worried the specialist was going to come in and c-section me. Little did I know. I then text Valorie and told her for the first time I thought I was going to loose it. She said she was just getting out of work and would be right there. I called my mom, but told her I had a feeling the specialist was going to come in and scare me again, but my OB wouldn't act prematurely so I would be okay.
Fast forward to 10 minutes later. 630am
The specialist came in and told me I am very sick and that we HAD to deliver Nolan. I absolutely lost it. She told me my morning labs showed my liver enzymes had shot up and I was in HELLP syndrome that is life threatening to me as the Mother. I STILL didn't believer her and I wouldn't consent to c-section until I saw my normal OB. I was convinced I could just be given some more meds, and monitored until Nolan found it ready to come out. (I had NO CLUE how serious HELLP was at the time)
With in 5 minutes, Dr F arrived. THANK GOD it was her, she knew EVERYTHING that Chris and I have been through. she knew how stubborn I was and how much I had fought for Nolan. She also knew how much hope we had that everything would be okay. So I knew what ever came out of her mouth would be what I would have to do.
YUP, she said it...We needed to deliver Nolan now to save my life. Seriously?! I had to trust her- she knew what was best. So she came in to check to see if he was still breech to decide if it would be an induction or c-section, he was breech so I had to have a c-section. She explained the HELLP syndrome a little more and said how the only cure is to deliver Nolan or else I can get even more sick and end up in ICU, on a vent or even need a liver transplant. Next thing I knew...4 nurses were in my room trying to prep me for the OR as I am balling my eyes out. I kept saying over and over, he's not ready, we have no name for him...this can't be happening. I'm sure the nurses we're ready to shoot me. Thank god for Valorie holding my hand through all this as Chris called all the family.
It seriously felt like I was living a dream. I would have laughed in your face if you told me 12 hours prior I would be delivering Nolan. I cried the entire way through the hallway and kept repeating 'We don't even have a name", and this is when Chris said..."do you want to name him Nolan? He's going to have to fight throught this..."
Holy crap! I wasn't going to let his one slip out of my hands. YES! But I still continued to cry up the elevator, through the pre-op and even as they finished my pre-op stuff. Thank GOD it was Dr F, she seemed to calm me somehow...I just felt safe. I knew I had to put everything in Gods hands. I knew Nolan would fight. The NICU knew we wanted everything done. I was convinced he was over 500g, so that made me feel a little better.
Next thing I knew...I was in the OR, I was asking annoying questions, trying to keep my mind settled. I was driving everyone crazy with questions as they prepped me. I wanted to know about the NICU team, the foley, the cuts. ANYTHING to calm me down. I hated my c-section. But the best part was hearing Nolan squeak when she pulled him out. The nurse came to let me know how well he was doing and that they WERE able to get a breathing tube in and that his APGARS were GREAT. Even Dr F was surprised and said some of her full term babies don't even get thoseAPGARS. The rest of the surgery was a blur..but DR F told me later on that I wasn't the easiest to put back together so I guess that's why, they kept me pretty knocked out after THANK GOD.
You know the rest after since I was able to update. I am SO thankful I was able to have one of the 5 OB's on my team that was VERY VERY familiar with our case. It put me at ease. I kept telling her how thankful I was that she was there to deliver him, I probably told her over 50 times. But remember I was all on drugs too so I kept repeating myself. I'm so happy he showed everyone he was going to put up a fight and not give up right away. I love my little Nolan. I miss him more and more everyday. I can't stop asking, why us? We are healthy individuals that have been dreaming of being parents for a long time and couldn't wait to get that wedding over with. We wanted to start our family so bad, but now our family feels so empty without Nolan still here. TRUST ME, it's not the same visiting him in a memorial garden. We feel so empty. We went up there today to change out his flowers, the Florida heat is killing the pretty real ones, so for the time being he has a fake arrangement that I made with love.
It feels so weird not to be pregnant anymore. I don't have to wear my maternity clothes anymore, I can have a glass of wine and I can lay on my stomach, and no more bathroom breaks every 15 minutes. But all these things bring tears to my eyes because it reminds me how Nolan isn't here anymore. I am trying so hard to stay strong. Thankfully my body recovered from the c-section and HELLP fairly decently. My blood pressures have been great the past few days and I'm pretty much off all pain meds for my c-section. I am so happy I checked my blood pressure that Sunday, it enabled me to be admitted and they were able to catch the HELLP right when it started. It could have gotten way worse, and I could have gotten VERY sick. Nolan saved my life by coming out, and he sure did put up one good fight. I love you little guy.
Sorry this is so long. More information about HELLP Syndrome if your curious about it.
Nolan was a fighter in every way I can think of. It's why we named you Nolan, meaning little fighter. Nolan, you were the best thing that happened to Chris and I for the 3 days we got to have you in our life. You were our favorite little token from our honeymoon that we could have wished and asked for. Chris and I fought for you and gave you every chance you deserved. We wanted nothing more to be parents and I know you knew that. We never gave up on you Nolan, no matter what Doctors told us at every appointment, we had faith in you. We knew you would come and prove them all wrong.
Last night we saw him at 1230am, everything looked great. We went back to our hospital room one floor down and started to go to sleep. We were so excited that the rest of his family was flying down to meet our little miracle tomorrow (now today). We had such a great night with you.The nurse came flying in our room and asked us to go up to the NICU because he was coding. We ran up there to everyone working on our Nolan. It was the worst feeling to see people pumping his chest and drugs being pushed. They opened up the isolette fully for me to hold him while they worked on him. I wanted nothing more than to stay out of the way and let the nurses and RTs do their job but they kept insisting on me being next to him cheering him on and praying for him. We reminded him to keep fighting just like his name said. It was a nightmare coming true right in front of our very eyes. I was holding his whole 13oz body in my hands while they repeated code after code, pumping in his so tiny chest and bagging him while holding him praying. We finally had to tell them stop after being asked if we were ready or not, nothing was working and our poor baby Nolan could not keep fighting any longer. I knew the NICU would be a rollercoaster ride and was ready for that, I wasn;t ready however to get on the broken rollercoaster. It's just not fair.
We love you Nolan, you were the absolute BEST thing that happened to me and your Dad. We realized how it is to love someone so unconditionally and fight for something almost every Docor told us was unfightable. You came early, as much as I didn't want you to, but you saved my life. You knew you had to come early before I got too sick and I put my body in a life threatening situation to save you. You are my life saver. You made every minute of this pregnancy worth it.
You are still so perfect in our eyes Nolan, everything about you. And everyone that got the chance to meet you thought you were so perfect too. You were just a little tiny. You amazed all the NICU nurses and Drs with your strength and they all called you the feisty one. I was so looking forward to you growing up and watching you play basketball with huge huge hands you had that took after your Dads. I couldn't wait to take you, our little Ruby Baby, on your first cruise on the Ruby Princess for our first family vacation.
Thank You Nolan for letting me be your Mommy the past 6 months, and even more so the past 3 days. It was the best days 3 days I could ever ask for. You showed me how strong I really am and how awesome your Daddy was in all your triumphs and tribulations. Last night was the best when I was able to feel like your Mommy by changing your diaper and taking your temperature and helping change your isolette blanket and finally getting the chance to really feel the mommy with you at least once before you went to Heaven.
I know you are so strong Nolan, you proved to us you are these past 6 months. You showed us a true fight the past 3 days. We are proud to call you our first son. We love you Nolan. You taught your Mommy and Daddy never to take anything for granted, you were our special blessing even though you had a rough start, we hope you are at peace now. Life is beautiful, and you are such a miracle and you touched a lot of strangers lives and you don't even realize it. Love you always our first, Your Mommy and Daddy
So this is Val and I'm updating the blog for Ashley. So at 11:00 AM, give or take a few minutes, Little Nolan Micheal Dowaliby blessed us with his presence. He weighs 13oz and is almost as big as Chris's hand. Chris has big hands. He came out with an APGAR of 8 at one minute and 8 at 5 minutes. Chris said he cried when they pulled him out. He is intubated and on the ventilator but the neonatologist quoted "He is stable" and talked about future plans. He says he is pretty active for a baby this size. They are currently running every test imaginable including an ECHO. The results aren't in on those yet. Mommy is doing fine. She is still really sleepy from the meds and they have her on a Morphine drip. Not too much pain right now just some cramping. Blood pressure has come down and they are just watching her now to make sure the preeclampsia is resolved. She says he is really really really small but the Dr's are giving him a fighting chance. They plan to keep Ashley here at least until Thursday and Little Nolan as of now is planning on living at the hospital till about September. Chris and Ashley want to say thank you soo much for all the love, support, and prayers that have been sent their way. We still need lots of prayers for the family and that this little miracle can now take up the fighting on his own.
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