Ounces of Hope {dreams come true}

When dreams are shattered and hope is lost you wander aimlessly wishing for a miracle. The past 3 years and most specifically before CC came into our lives, I felt hopeless and useless. I felt my energy that should be given to Nolan was overlooked and I was forever ruined in grief. Granted I picked up the pieces ever so slowly and grieved out loud, I wouldn't be who I am or what I have become in the past 3 years if it wasn't for loosing Nolan. I'm slowly learning understanding God gave us my our experience so I could do great things.

Ok, typing that out makes me sound like I fully accept losing Nolan, but that's not exactly what I mean.

It's more so that there are times in your life that define you forever. They create you who are, how you change, how you react and most of all who you become.

Nolan was given to me for a reason, and I believe it now more than ever before.

On March 23rd, I clocked in for the first time as a working respiratory therapist in the NICU Yes, you read that right. My dreams have come true. 6 years ago I chose to take my career in the direction of adults with a desire to one day become a NICU therapist. My dreams shattered after becoming a MOM and going through some major PTSD (apparently I had PTSD after siting in on a lecture at a neonatal conference and nodding my head to every sign & symptom). And to be frank, I was scared I never would fulfill my dreams after that. But here I am, it just feel into my lap, I had a great support system and it has been the most healing experience I have had yet.

On May 11th, I launched Ounces of Hope, a complimentary photography service offered to the babies in the very same NICU. Named after Nolan only being 13 ounces and the hope he gave us. I realize now that those very pictures I took so innocently those 3 days in the NICU would forever be gold in my heart. Parents often have cameras & pictures in mind when caring for their newborn baby or critical neonate and I want to give back to them what I got. So in years to come they can look back to where their journey began.

So without further ado, my latest project...

Ounces of Hope

www.ouncesofhope.org

Ounces of Hope Facebook Page

I have been so overwhelmed with nothing but support and love and I am in love with the direction my life is heading.

I had hit a point in my grief where I need to do something to pay it forward. I've been watching other Moms have fundraisers to add new Giraffe beds to the NICU, some knit hats and others build memory boxes to give to newly grieving parents before they leave. All which are absolutely amazing things to give to the NICU.

I knew I wanted to do something for my NICU I just didn't know what. I knew it had to be close to my heart and have a driving passion for whatever it may be. It took me 2 and a half years to have my "ah-ha" moment... that photography is where my heart is at. With in weeks of proposing the idea to the director of the NICU & hospital officials, Ounces of Hope was born.

As I stand back and look at the whole project as one, I realize I am picking up the pieces, turning them into something beautiful.I look at our Nolan as my light, my cheerleader, he gave me a cause and I'm going to run with it. The void I have felt the past 3 years is starting to fill in with hope again and dreams for others. I want to be part of it. And the connections I have made in the past couple of months with Nolan's caregivers (and now co-workers) & with the families and parents absolutely exceed anything I could ever ask for. 


Coming up on 3 years this month (June 8th) I never expected to be typing a blog post of this nature. It really puts into perspective how far I really have come.
I guess I can say, I am one lucky girl.

Coming soon....

A BLOG POST. 
HA!
I'm alive and well. Very well. So much has happened in the past few months and I am dying to share. But blame the 17 month old, new job- yes I said new job (can you guess where???) and writer's block, I have been MIA.
Add a few vacations on a cruise....

and a trip to Chicago and this lady is exhausted. Again, in a good way.

I have sat down numerous times to tap out my thoughts on a keyboard and I don't know if it's the overwhelming sense of joy (of what I want to write about) or the lack of attention added to writer's block....
It's like a blogger's jumbled mess of art. Yea- art. If you only saw my draft.


SIGH.


Until the next post....... I'll leave you with some CC crack.
He's a walking, almost talking 30lb little boy. Where did our baby go!?

Definition & stride

Strength.

Strength [strengkth, strength]
- noun 1. the quality or state of being strong 2. intensity 3. force in numbers 4. strong or valuable quality


I am not strong because I lost a baby, nor am I strong because I grieved. I am not strong because I put one foot in front of the other to survive each day. It was pure choice to either live or die. Strength in my mind had no play in that. It was simply what I had to do- live. Go through the motions, grieve and find that "new normal"


Over the past 2.5 years I have heard over and over again how strong I am. I'm convinced it's what people say when they see your survival. I don't feel that strength that others seem to see when they look at me. I'm just an ordinary girl who had some pretty shitty things happen to. I burrowed into my new normal, picked up the broken pieces and nestled into my new home of my so called life.


Until last night, I'd fight you to say your wrong if you called me strong. I survived.


But last night I did something. Something that I was unsure if I'd ever be able to do since the day those dreams were broken.


Dreams that got put on the side burner since the night we watched Nolan code in front of our very eyes. The images of compressions being done on Nolan in his issolette, the entire NICU staff surrounding his bed, the ocillator being brought into the room in attempts at a last chance effort. But I'll never forget that moment. The moment it was all over and the crowd slowly left the side of the issolette while Chris and I held our lifeless baby in our arms in pure shock.
The smell, the atmosphere, the moment has been etched in my head to this day. His spot in a room full of babies, right next to a door in the back corner.


But last night I took the first step in following my broken dream of becoming a NICU therapist.


Last night I was strong.
Last night I shadowed a dear friend on her shift in the NICU. I wanted to feel it out, see if I was ready: my heart was saying yes.
It wasn't my first visit back to the NICU but it was my first back into the corner Nolan was. But I surprised myself, instead of anxiety- I felt strength. Yes strength. Actually I walked past that spot many of times through the night.


And at one point, I found myself sitting and looking at his corner, right through that very door they brought us in when we were rushed up to the NICU. I didn't find myself mad or upset, instead I felt pure strength.

I may have been on the journey to be a NICU therapist long before Nolan was ever an inkling on our mind, but at that very moment I knew that my dream and goal were once again possible.




Not only that, I had hands on care with some of the babies. I saw equipment, heard the same noises and oddly enough felt like I belonged. As I did 2.5 years ago when my plan to become a NICU therapist was put on hold.


I had an amazing night. I proved to myself that I am strong. I did things last night that at one time in my grief journey I thought would be near impossible.


I can do this.


Walking out of the hospital this morning I felt on top of the world. It was what I needed.


So I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry when I got in my car. Ok the water works poured out.
But funny thing was it wasn't sad tears, it was thankful tears that I was able to do it. I'm going to follow my heart. I know I my heart is ready and I am going to be a NICU therapist, finally.

2012 Resolutions. A girl can pretend

It's that time of year again where we all make resolutions that 99% of us will fail. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, it's just the honest truth that I will probably set out to lose another 20lbs by exercising every morning. Well that will last all of 2 weeks- promised. Although this year I have convinced myself that I will lose another 15-20lbs by our Spring Break Cruise. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

So New Years Resolution #1

May it be the most CLICHE one out there, but dammit I want to fit into my 2008 clothes. You know, before back to back pregnancies having ravack (can't figure out how to spell this damn word) on my body. I would just LOVE to take all 47 pairs of my Spanx and burn them in a bomb fire as the smell of over worn spandex fills the air. How free-ing would that be?! Spanx have become such a staple in my wardrobe I have no idea how I would be without them. Sad I know. But this girl loves her shape wear. But to go without it and still feel good- FRREEEDOOOM!

 

So maybe I should make a twist on this most loved resolution. Instead of setting out to lose weight like every other overweight American out there on Jan 1st. I want to make it a resolution of mine to accept my body as is. If that means 175lbs or 155lbs, I need to learn to learn to love my body. It gave me 2 beautiful boys, my stretch marks shows my battle wounds and dammit if I have to wear spanx for the rest of my life, then so be it. I mean, how nice would it be if I didn't feel like I have to look at myself in the mirror and suck in every time I walk by? Who am I trying to over impress anyways? As long as I am not wearing hoochie terry cloth shorts with Princess displayed across my arse and a tube top 5 inches too short with no bra... then I'm cool, right?

 

Ok, so eat healthy, attempt to get active, try to lose some weight and accept that I will never be the girl with the purple and gold pom poms ever again. Embrace the chunk!

 

Ok, on to resolution #2.

ORGANIZATION. Ok Chris, Mom and Dad- take me seriously here:

We all know my brain does NOT do organization. I'm not talking about my desk being orderly or my closet being color coded. I am talking things like in my head. I swear it's like a Barnum & Baily circus up in there. Things I am talking about is when I schedule appointments for, where I put important documents. Did I ever mention that I lost our marriage license? Yea yea, we found it. But the fact that it is issued from Bermuda doesn't make it very easy to just go get another one. Anyways, back to things I need to organize in my life. Things such as paying bills on time, putting gas in my car before "zero miles", remembering diapers and wipes before we leave the house. I know, I sound scary.

(This is my closet on a good day, imagine every other day. It's a good representation of my brain)

 

I know this is far fetched, but I can try, right? And maybe just maaaaaybe, if I can be half as organized as I was before- maybe my house will show it too? I can see it now, shoes lined up outside, toys put away in the toy chest, pillows all lined up on the couch, throws folded, dishwasher empty, mailed sorted, and dinner cooking. Ok, I'm dreaming here.

 

But I should make it a resolution to cook more. I need to learn new recipes because I have a 27lb one year old and a 6'6" husband that I am pretty sure can not live off crock pot pot roast and sloppy joes for the rest of their life. I need to learn some new casseroles, things that all don't come out of box type things.

 

So there it is. Ashley's 2012 resolutions.

1. Get in shape and if not accept.
2. ORGANIZATION (still laughing)
3. Learn to cook

I'll report back next year and see what I actually accomplished. HA!

Christmas with one shoe and a piece of china for deviled eggs.

We had Christmas in our new home this year. So awesome!

This meant I felt the need to decorate like crazy and attempt to set up a dining room in a matter of a week. OH and plan Christmas dinner. I did it, with the help of others- Thank you Dad, Aunt Mary, Mom, Elaine and of course Chris. I already had most the decorations done, and yes I totally "super glued" 3M hooks to the stucco outside to hang my Pintrest inspired garland. I may or may not have told Chris it's removable. I guess we will find out this week when I take it down. Other wise I will have to make deco mesh garland for every freaking holiday. 

So back to Christmas. It was SO much more fun when you have a baby, it's more exciting. We all know the "Reason for the Season" and that's important to me and trust m e I have definitely had my chance the past few years to reflect on that but this year not only felt like a celebration but the excitement of starting our own traditions with CC was the best. I'd be lying if I said no one ate the cookies left out for Santa on Christmas Eve. My ass woke up at 4am hungry and ate the whole damn plate. That's right, add those pounds to my behind, I have until the 27th to eat like a Queen. Then my sisters leave and we have aprox. 2.5 months to lose some holiday weight plus some before our next cruise. Cruise. Yea I said it... We all got a surprise family cruise for Christmas from my Aunt. You should have seen the faces on my sisters face when they opened that present. AHHHH! I can't wait!!!!

P.S. I start Weight Watchers this week... who wants to join with me?

OK so back to Christmas (can you tell I am unmedicated tonight) I can even finish typing a sentence before I start thinking of the next thing in my brain.

So Chris and I played Santa the night before. We spent Christmas Eve at my Father in Law's house eating a full Christmas Eve dinner, stuffed our faces only to come home to a boat load of unwrapped gifts and make Santa cookies. So we sat on the family room floor till Midnight wrapping up the last of the gifts, which felt so good knowing we have CC to wake up in the morning to terrorize the place. 

 Speaking of, here he his himself who decided to wake up mimicking the Grinch until he found Mickey Mouse (see video)

We went to Mass which I dressed CC in a typical Christmas outfit, long sleeve button up plaid shirt, khakis, sweater vest and one shoe- because I couldn't find his other dress shoe. Then Chris caught on and asked why he had one shoe on. Ummmm.... he must have kicked it off. Yet secretly my train of thought was people at church would think... "oh Miss, I think your baby lost a shoe"

Ohhhh YES, "OH NO, he must have" darnit.

Hey at least it would look like he HAD shoes on when we left the house. My brain works backwards people.

OH so back to my story- I dress him in this outfit, walk to church in 80 degree weather and then almost lose grip of the stroller that WOULD have gone piling strait down a ditch filled with black water. AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Thankfully we made it all 11yrds to the church, but poor CC had already broke a sweat. Seriously clothing people- make some flipping Florida Christmas outfits that can sustain this 85 degree temperature and while you're at it- make some Halloween ones too. Putting my kid in a fur covered lion suit is just not practical. Thank you very much.

We were able to get these 2 pictures by the manger he so gracefully slept in last year as Baby Jesus. Ahhh Baby Jesus... he was sooooo tiny last year. Oh CC found out that he can slip under the pew and greet the people behind him. This is all while I am trying to catch him by the feet before he makes it 100% of the way through. Sorry folks that sat behind us.

 You may notice I am sporting the same dress as last year. One year later I am proudly rocking a maternity dress. I love the dress too much not to wear it. Chris would have been in this picture had he been a sport and come up front, but the guy hates pictures. After 9 years, I just accept that about him.


BUT I was able to get this picture of US right before dinner. We were celebrating our new dining room. Which for the past 9 months has sat empty with no light fixtures and boxes of diapers, odds and ends and left over unused baby toys.
This past week I painted the accent wall, we picked up my Grandma's 45 year old dining set that I have accepted as a gift from my Aunt and ALSO got her beautiful Danube Blue China. Like the WHOOOOOLE set. There's pieces I have no idea what to do with- I took out the plate that goes under the thing that holds the stew/soup and I thought it was for deviled eggs. Until my Aunt laughed and said nooooooooo, Ashley.

The joys of growing up. I remember being at the kids table and here I am 28 years later setting up my own table to feed everyone else. I may serve deviled eggs on a piece of china meant for something else, but at least you know your in for a good laugh at my house.

It was a great Christmas, the whole family (CC's Aunt's and Uncle) are in town and we were all able to be together. There wasn't a minute that Nolan, Charlie and Brice were not thought of, we had a blessing at each dinner wishing they were here. 

Merry Christmas and until next year.....

On CC's birthday, he ate through one sloppy joe. Or was it 2?

I couldn't help myself, I totally planned CC's birthday party of the sole reason he loves to eat. So yes, The Very Hungry Caterpillar book was center stage at the big party and thanks to Pintrest- my kitchen was transformed into pages of the book.

Don't even get me started on crack pintrest. I had to have pinned 345 caterpillar cakes, 209 decoration ideas, 67 of those just the party hat alone and let's throw in some party favor pins. NOW, here's the problem- I want to do it all! Ok fine, no big deal until you start one thing, start another, forgot what you started and then get frustrated because it doesn't go your way. That's when I would find myself back on pintrest looking for a new pin to try out.

Needless to say, pintrest + ADD = disaster

Anywho,

The kids showed up, blow up house was the main attraction (adults and kids) 

and I made my famous sloppy joes- because in this household, the caterpillar eats through one sloppy joe. Note the crying baby in above picture: he wanted his damn sloppy joes.

I made slaved the cake, because well once again- Pintrest had too many cool ideas. I took the challege on, I come from a family of bakers I should be able to handle a box cake. 

2 box cakes later, I had a 6 layer rainbow cake, a mess in my kitchen and rainbow food coloring staining my new shirt. BUT at least I had one kick ass cake. Right?

Ahhh I still can't believe that is my baby boy turning 1! 

Gifts were open, I am pretty sure I could open a museum of Vtech toys. CC was more interested in a string of ribbon and I had two helpers crawling on top of me dying to "help" open the next present. 

Who knew opening birthday presents caused one to break a sweat. See below: The most attractive photo snapped of me of the day. Pure hotness! 

 Note, random child still crawling on top of me and the present are all gone. Love you D! I actually think he was helping me clean up paper- I think.

I have to say- all the effort & pointless projects and hours slaved over pintrest- it was all 110% worth it. I look back now and I would have been happy with a cake and candle and ok the bounce house too. Can't forget the bounce house.

Happy Birthday CC!

Birthday candles

I remember those nights I laid in my bed with dreams of reaching milestones that were tugging on my heart so deeply at the time. The tears ran down my cheeks as I asked God why I wasn't reading a bed time story to my baby or why I wasn't planning a birthday party and even wished I was picking up a house of clutter if it meant a choatic toddler was dancing around.


 I was sitting there tonight kissing those chubby rosey cheeks that have been flushed with sugar from a 7 layer rainbow birthday cake and reading "If you give a Pig a Party" and this calm wave of peace and thankfulness just brushed my shoulder. For a split second I felt like I was in my dreams, ones that 2 years ago felt like something that was so unreachable.


The pain was so raw, so deep and that very pain has made me the person today that takes small & simple moments so perfect in my heart. I hugged him tight after I shut the book and that little sucker patted my back- like he knew the whole time I was reading that story that he knew my thoughts. Or maybe he just liked the book, I mean it is a book about CC pig that has a party and well that's what we had just wrapped up today.

This week has been such a milestone. We woke up on the 5th and sang Happy Birthday to one awesome little 1 year old. We threw a birthday party (more to come on that) which just happened to be on the 2 year anniversary since my Dad's aortic valve replacement and he's still ticking.


So people. 1 year. It feels like just yesterday we brought him home. But here we are 1 year later making Mickey Mouse funfetti pancakes for breakfast and singing Happy Birthday to one special little boy. Lucky little kid.

The weather was perfect so we took a stroll at the park in his sweet new ride (which I apparently didn't get a picture of) But it's a wagon, one with an umbrella and cooler and seat belts. Oh man, did he look like a king sitting in that beast, he loved it!

Ahhhh how did he grow this fast?!

We stopped at the perfect spot for a mini un-photo shoot (2 minutes of making myself look like a fool trying to get him to sit semi still & look at camera) of the impossible to shoot baby. Props to photographers that shoot one year olds. It's NOT easy. The kid is in the lens fact before I have time to focus.. damn you child. Did I mention this kid crawls at lighting speed? Not a walker yet, but convinced it will happen any day.

We ended the night at our favorite little family owned Italian resturant. Just the 3 of us. Chris and I toasted to "One Year and to 17 more" this is while CC was throwing pieces chicken parm on the floor and laughing at himself. 

Happy Birthday little boy. Since one year and for the next 18- I will start your birthday with a candle and end with one. Why? Because it's my kick ass idea and a new tradition. I also will promise funfetti pancakes every year and if you don't want them- I'm making them anyways- because I WANT THEM. GOD THEY WERE AMAZING.

Happy Birthday CC!!