Empty 4th of July
I made the attempt to get out of the house since Chris was working. So Trish(sister in law) and I drove out to the island for dinner and to watch fireworks on the beach. We picked a crappy spot on a whim and missed most of the fireworks, plus the bird size mosquitoes ate us up. So needless to say, we should have stayed home and we would have seen more.
I MUCH rather would have spent the entire holiday in the NICU with Nolan. But we all know, that's just a dream now. I did go to visit him and left some blue and red star candle jars lit up with battery candles. It's the best I can do.
I'm really trying to start the "acceptance" process of this grieving thing. I have made more attempts to get out and do things but then I find myself letting things bother me. Lets see, tonight I was doing fine until we went to the restaurant and there were babies EVERYWHERE. It just reminds me of Nolan and I instantly go back into an empty feeling. Oh then a Dad walked by with the same exact stroller we had picked out for Nolan and put on his registry. It is just constant reminders that we don't have our son in our arms anymore. Will this ever get better? Facebook even is a constant reminder of my empty arms, there are new baby pictures all over my updates. I guess it's just that time in our life that friends our age are starting families, but now we aren't on the same journey. I used to LOVE looking at all the new baby pictures. But now I feel like its a trigger that reminds me of how we don't have Nolan. Trust me I don't like feeling this way.
I know I have changed, I'm am trying to learn this "new normal" of life. I wish I could describe it, but then again...I don't want anyone else to ever feel this. I don't understand how someone who wants a child so badly has their child ripped from their arms. Why? We had dreamed of our first born for quite some time now, we always talked about it, and we were so blessed to get pregnant right away. But I'm still suppose to be pregnant right now...shoot, I think I would be about 30 weeks and we would be counting down the next 10 weeks. I would be growing by the second and feeling him kick up a storm. Honestly, I am still in complete shock that Nolan isn't in my belly anymore, let alone in the NICU. It's so hard running into people you haven't seen in over a year and they ask how we are doing....I can't lie. I like to talk about Nolan, he brings me joy talking about how awesome he was. He was the most perfect 13oz you ever could have witnessed. Unless you saw him in person, I think it's hard to fathom how real or small he was. Pictures do him NO justice.
I wonder what all his characteristics would have been. We all know physically he took after his Dad. His hands and feet were HUGE, and everyone even commented on them. He had his Dads ears and my head and hair. He was a perfect match between us. I wonder who he would take after...his Dad's laid back personality or my crazy hyper ADD personality. What would his first word be or his favorite baby food? What book would he have us read over and over again every night? All these things go through my mind day in and day out. I just wish we still had him here. Tonight, I wondered if he would be one to run from the fireworks or be amazed by them.
I just want my Nolan, I repeat this at least 50 times a day, ask Chris. We both want him back, I want to be the Mom that people claim I still am. I don't feel like a Mom even though I am, I'm Nolan's Mom. I find myself a lot calmer than I used to be and a lot more humble, is this the "Mom" in me? I don't know... Will this new journey make us better parents in the future? Maybe. We will never know. But I will say I have a new appreciation for the gift of life that I never would have realized before going through this. I'm dreaming of the day a little one wraps their arms around me and calls me Mommy.
I want to enjoy life again, I want to feel care free, I want to forget all my worries...and I have a feeling, I won't ever be my old normal ever again, I am now learning my "new normal' It's going to take time, hang in there with me.
3 comments:
I was hoping I would have something more insightful to say, but I'm on hospital bed rest *shrug* and Ive been awake since 6am, bed at 12am. But, apparently, I don't, however I still wanted to let you know that I think you are the most strong & courageous mom that I know. Like i've said before, no way I could be where you are right now without the help of therapy and some serious medication. You have faith and that is what is so important, neither Dh or I are very religious. I could never cling to it for hope like some people. I didn't remember him only being 13 ounces, Soo tiny. He did look bigger in the pictures. I think that it is healthy to wonder how he would have been and what his favorite this and that would have been. It's only natural. I don't want to keep blabbering things you've already been told but IMHO you are doing great. Hang in there.
I know the feelings you have are only natural I had that to for things Mike and I still wanted to do and having Mike enjoy his new house he was just starting to and he got taken away. But I will tell you something I learned feeling those feelings you feel when you see another baby etc. To start to feel better about it is to embrace it and not feel negative about it otherwise this will continue that empty feeling I know I did that for months till I figured out that was not helping me only me feel worst so I learned to surpress those feelings. I would see an old couple and want that want to celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary which I was just 6 months short of and my 40th and 50th etc. but it kept eating at me and it was just making things worst so try that is is not forgeting Nolan it is just keeping his memory intact in your heart and going on and living your life as a proud strong Mom he would want that for you and give him a brother or sister in the future. Well I hope you start feeling better the fact that you are going out and about is a good thing. I love you wish we lived closer. Well take care Love Aunt Chris.
I am speechless. Your words break my heart. I know it is so hard. When you lose a baby it is not only the loss of the baby, but the loss of what could have been. Sometimes the grieving of that is the hardest. Just please know that as you heal that you are not alone.
Peace and much healing
- Sarah Beth (from the HELLP group)
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