October

We just got back from Vegas for my best friend's wedding. The wedding was beautiful and Noelle made the most beautiful bride EVER. We enjoyed every second of the trip and can't wait to post some more pictures of the newlyweds.

Is it already October? I mean I won't complain but has it almost been 4 months since my baby was born? He would have been four months in 2 days. You know what is driving me insane right now? Halloween costumes in the store, I was so excited to dress up a newborn for halloween this year. I don't even have a desire to have trick or treaters this year. I am NEVER like that, but it looks like this year might be a year for my outside lights to stay off Oct 31st. Bummer. Hopefully next year will be a better halloween.

That lil stinker gave us so many signs when we were in Vegas for Noelle's wedding. From the first 30 seconds we stepped foot in the hotel casino, his song comes on. That song hasn't played on the radio, my ipod or TV in awhile now. I have been avoiding it to tell you the truth because it just makes me cry uncontrollably. It was just so ironic that we were just discussing how we should be lugging a stroller and diaper bag around instead of yard sized margaritas.

I kid you not, the same thing happened the day of the rehearsal. We were walking around Mandalay Bay to the restaurant and I noticed it was on again. I nudged Chris to tell him and he said he was JUST thinking about Nolan because a baby boy just strolled by with his parents. Ironic!

THEN, we go to The Bellagio to see the fountains and look what our precious Nolan sent us...
I just wish Nolan was there with us, it was the plan the entire pregnancy (well at least until he was born early). So we decided to make a wish in the Bellagio Fountain, and I am sure you can guess what that wish was...
And I am sure you are wondering how I am "really doing" .....
It's hard, I am not going to lie. They said time heals, but it honestly hasn't. All time has done is not made it feel as raw as it did back in the summer. I still avoid all babies that would be around Nolan's size/age. I feel as they are in my face when I least expect it. Such as sitting in the direct seat in front of me on the plane, being sat next to one at dinner last night, ect ect. It's painful to think that I should be in that Mom's spot just like they are.

I haven't had as many breakdowns as I used to and I smile more. My friends and family are my support and most of all Chris, Amy and Johanna because they know this pain unfortunately. I did have one breakdown in Vegas. We were walking back from a night out and while walking through the casino to our room... Nolan's song came on again, AGAIN. I just had enough. I know it was a "sign" but it made me want Nolan 1,000 times more. All I could think about was his perfect little ultrasound that I put music to and it was THAT song. I'm sure the few cocktails didn't help the emotions either. I just wished he were with us for Noelle's wedding, it would have meant he made it as a full term healthy baby boy.

I try to focus on the positive that we can try again and at least we know we CAN get pregnant and hope that we get to bring a baby home next time. Then focus my energy on sharing our baby's special big brother to him/her. But that all sounds so easy. I'm terrified, seriously... we want so badly to have our family on earth feel complete. I have to have faith it will happen, but thinking of the actual process is exhausting. It's will never be a normal 9 months, it will be fulled with anxiety and worry. BUT, I will count on my faith and Nolan to give us that special baby one day. I am hoping and praying that 2010 brings us some much needed good news.