I am real sad and on the verge of tears. I know I was counting down the days until the holidays, but that was for the pure fact that it meant our 6 months were up. I was even excited to see the Christmas stuff in the stores early because it meant it was right around the corner.
But just now I realized how sad Christmas makes me now. With the numerous commercials, holiday music on Grey's Anatomy tonight (what triggered this all) I hate Christmas and everything that comes with it this year. Nolan should be here, it should be his first Christmas. I should be singing him Silent Night and rocking him to sleep.
I'm the girl that has our Xmas tree up before thanksgiving, the 24 hour Christmas radio station programmed in my car and decorations all over the place. I love this time of year. This is is just so different. This year, no tree, no downloading my Xmas playlist on my ipod and no family dinners. I would rather just go to work and pretend it's a normal day. Thankfully, I live in Florida so at least it never 'feels' like Christmas to me and I am usually fighting to make it seem like it.
So I am sitting here watching the Christmas episode of Greys and it hit me... As bad as I wanted Christmas to come, it's now the one thing breaking my heart. The Christmas music they were playing made it all the more real.
I hate that I don't love everything about Christmas this year. I love the music, the decorations, commercials and now it's one big fat trigger of emptiness.
So if you have your baby, have children or are pregnant this holiday season, enjoy it. Embrace it. I would do anything not to have an empty holiday with just Chris and I.
10 comments:
I am feeling the exact same way about the holidays this year. Im alot like you with Christmas is usually my favorite time of year but this year Im just not feeling the holiday spirit. How can we when our babies are gone? Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that your not alone in this. *HUGS*
Big hugs to you. I was this way at Christmas last year even though I had an older daughter. Our Jenna was due on Christmas, and it was such a hard day and a hard season for me. But, I got through it, one day at a time, actually, one minute, one second at a time sometimes.
Ashley,
I so feel your pain. I do have other children, but Ethin will not be here for his first Christmas and it breaks my heart. I wish I could take the pain for you. However I do want to share that I awarded you the Heartfelt Blogger award tonight with my post. If you go to my blog you can check it out. http://ethinsheartbeats.blogspot.com/
Also please feel free to contact me anytime for anything chdhlhs09@yahoo.com. I am here. Heart Hugs, Love, and Blessings, Jessica Twigg
Ashley, I will embrace Christmas with my new daughter and cherish the miracle that is her life. I've waited so long to share this with a baby and I know just how much it hurts coming into this time of year and having that aching heart and empty arms. My thoughts and love are with you and all the families who've been so hurt by PE as we come into the holiday season.
As bad as you all are hurting... Just remember the reason for the season is Jesus Christ... That is what CHRISTmas is all about... My heart goes out to each of you and I will be praying that God will give you a gift of peace and bring joy back to your life... HE WILL see you through all this...
May God Bless...
Patsy
I know that it must be tough...I'm thinking of you and praying that next Christmas you'll have a little one to share the holidays with and to sing to and share the joy of the season! I'm hoping that you are able to enjoy some of the season!
I understand. You sound like me last year. This year is just a little bit better :) You two will get through this - just close your eyes and let it pass you by. . .
I have never lost a child but I lost My mom this year and this is the first christmas without my mom in 51 years so this season is not what it used to be. But as one of the comments said Christmas is about Jesus and his birth so that is what you can focus on I know it does not bring Nolan back but it might help I will cherish the momemnts with Makayla and cherish her just wish my mom was here to celebrate it all with us. Hugs to you.
Wow... This is exactly how I feel about the holidays. I am dreading them and their empty sadness. It just smacks me in the face everytime I think about the holidays. We were going to have Christmas babies.
Big hugs... I wish this holiday season was the happy event we thought it would be at one time.
I wish we could all get together and share the holidays together. We could talk about our babies endlessly and not feel so alone. Hang in there.
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