I know a lot of you guys were wondering if we won the cruise or not for the most romantic story contest. They announced the winner today and I am sad to report we didn't win the free cruise. But that's okay, the person that won had a happy romantic story with a happy ending and a picture of their living child in the picture. My story just didn't have the perfect outcome that people wanted to hear.
On another hand, a nurse asked me "the question" tonight...
Nurse: Hey Ash, Can I ask you a person question
Me: Ummm, sure
Nurse: Did you have your baby?
Me? Yes, yes I did.
Nurse: Awwww!!!! Was it a boy or girl
Me: A sweet little boy
Nurse: Oh how exciting! Congratulations
Me: Yaaaa well thank you very much, I wish I could share more pictures with you but I only have a few since he only lived 3 days. But he was so perfect and only weighed 13 ounces, he was simply amazing.
Nurse: *tears* and hugs
I actually did real good and even kept a smile on my face. Surprise, I know... but I think I was happy because it gave me a chance to show off my sweet Nolan. I won't lie, it's an uncomfortable question. She wanted to know his name and everything. I am so terrified of feeling like he never happened as time goes. So any attempt that someone makes to talk about my son, I accept it as an opportunity to tell people about him. Living or not. I don't get to show off 1,2 or 3 month pictures. I don't get to talk about sleepless nights or colic. But I wish I did. I know people told me my life would change after having a child, and boy that sure is the truth.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Time flying
I have never been so excited to see Christmas stuff in the stores. I always used to roll my eyes and say.. "REALLY?... it's not even Thanksgiving yet" BUT this year, I have never been so happy for it. I just means we are THAT much closer to our time to try again.
Back in June I wrote a blog post about trying to plan things every month until December. It was planned so that we would have something to look forward to every month to help the time pass. But I just realized while trying to find a weekend to go visit Amy before we go on our cruise... I have NO free weekend until the cruise!
Lets see, we have Vegas next weekend, Oktoberfest after that. Val's sons surgery next, then an FSU game in Tallahassee the weekend after that, then off to Cincy for Dads surgery then back to leave for the cruise! Keep in mind I work every other weekend in between. But holy cow is time flying!
So I am crossing my fingers that 2010 is a better year for us. This year has proved to be a hard one. They always say your first year of marriage is the toughest, but I think we have managed quite well given our situation.
So I just have to say I am excited to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I pray every single night that we will be able to bring a baby home, to his/her crib.
So in 4 days, we board a plane to be in my Best Friend Noelle's wedding. I am so excited! It's the first wedding I will ever be in besides my own. I am excited for the dress and all! I love her fiance and I think they are so perfect for each other. I know we are going to have a great time and enjoy every second of it. I do wish that Nolan was coming with like we had planned since the day we found out we were pregnant, but I am going to have fun in his honor. I even got a nautical dress to wear to the rehearsal. I'm stoked!
Oh!.... and I put Nolan's solar light out at his grave. It looks so awesome! I can't wait until my next night off so I can go see it all lit up! I will post pictures as soon as I get them.
Back in June I wrote a blog post about trying to plan things every month until December. It was planned so that we would have something to look forward to every month to help the time pass. But I just realized while trying to find a weekend to go visit Amy before we go on our cruise... I have NO free weekend until the cruise!
Lets see, we have Vegas next weekend, Oktoberfest after that. Val's sons surgery next, then an FSU game in Tallahassee the weekend after that, then off to Cincy for Dads surgery then back to leave for the cruise! Keep in mind I work every other weekend in between. But holy cow is time flying!
So I am crossing my fingers that 2010 is a better year for us. This year has proved to be a hard one. They always say your first year of marriage is the toughest, but I think we have managed quite well given our situation.
So I just have to say I am excited to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I pray every single night that we will be able to bring a baby home, to his/her crib.
So in 4 days, we board a plane to be in my Best Friend Noelle's wedding. I am so excited! It's the first wedding I will ever be in besides my own. I am excited for the dress and all! I love her fiance and I think they are so perfect for each other. I know we are going to have a great time and enjoy every second of it. I do wish that Nolan was coming with like we had planned since the day we found out we were pregnant, but I am going to have fun in his honor. I even got a nautical dress to wear to the rehearsal. I'm stoked!
Oh!.... and I put Nolan's solar light out at his grave. It looks so awesome! I can't wait until my next night off so I can go see it all lit up! I will post pictures as soon as I get them.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Grieving
"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away." -Meredith
I think I want to revisit this. It's been 3.5 months since loosing my Nolan and I am learning my new normal. I have bad days & I have 'good' days. Yes, it is still VERY hard to see pregnant women, newborns and ect. But come on, give me a break.. most the time when I see one it puts me back in a place that I should have been or should be.This should not be held against me.
Grieving & mourning Nolan is a lifelong process. Yup, people went a long on the journey with me when it happened, but shortly after life went back to normal for them. In the meantime Chris & I struggle everyday with questions on why this happened. Why aren't we rocking Nolan to sleep right now. Why don't we have a car seat in the backseat? Why is Nolan's nursery a damn memory room? Why are we making solar nightlights for our son's grave?! WHY!?
You think this is easy? You are mad because you feel 'censored' around me, we then go shove it! How do you think I feel living everyday without my son? Imagine your perfect baby being taken away from you... actually don't do that because I still don't want anyone to feel this pain. How do you think I feel having to censor myself from certain situations? Walk ONE day in my shoes and you will have a different perspective, TRUST ME.
This is one of the huge reasons I have come so close to Amy, because she understands. She understands that our bad days are just days when the pain is dull. When you are grieving sometimes you shut people out, become anti social or just plain different. People that are true friends are the ones that recognize this and stay your friend with out making you feel guilty or holding it against you. And when you are ready they are there for you when you when walk back. Does that make sense? Some people who have not been through anything tragic in their lives expect people dealing with grief to act like they are in a Lifetime movie. Real life isn't like that. When you are in your darkest hours, you will push people away. The people who 'cut you slack' and are there when you are ready to reconnect are the ones who will always be there.
I want EVERY single person to know that I am forever THANKFUL that I have you in my life. I am thankful for all of my friends that supported me with the up most amounts of support a girl could ask for. From the kindness of your hearts you reached out at a time I wasn't sure I could get through. I have said it a millions times over and over again how much Chris and I are sincerely thankful for. I wish I had the strength to sit down and write every.single.person a personal handwritten TY card. I have the cards even since 2 weeks after Nolan passed and they are red/blue/white. Perfect colors, but this task as proven to be one of the most insurmountable tasks for me. I have made it through one. ONE. And I hope one day, I can sit down and write to each and every person that held their hand out to us in June. Until then, I am searching for that strength. I should be writing Thank You's to baby shower gifts, not 'baby dying' support cards.
So YES, I am still grieving. I am mourning my son who should have been home by now. I hope you can understand that time has not healed yet and it will be a LONG time until it does. So please, bear with me or try to understand that I am still in the process of mourning my son. Good days or not, it's on my mind every single hour, minute and second. Try living with that. Can you tell I am in a rough spot once again?
"According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance."
-Greys Antomy
I think I want to revisit this. It's been 3.5 months since loosing my Nolan and I am learning my new normal. I have bad days & I have 'good' days. Yes, it is still VERY hard to see pregnant women, newborns and ect. But come on, give me a break.. most the time when I see one it puts me back in a place that I should have been or should be.This should not be held against me.
Grieving & mourning Nolan is a lifelong process. Yup, people went a long on the journey with me when it happened, but shortly after life went back to normal for them. In the meantime Chris & I struggle everyday with questions on why this happened. Why aren't we rocking Nolan to sleep right now. Why don't we have a car seat in the backseat? Why is Nolan's nursery a damn memory room? Why are we making solar nightlights for our son's grave?! WHY!?
You think this is easy? You are mad because you feel 'censored' around me, we then go shove it! How do you think I feel living everyday without my son? Imagine your perfect baby being taken away from you... actually don't do that because I still don't want anyone to feel this pain. How do you think I feel having to censor myself from certain situations? Walk ONE day in my shoes and you will have a different perspective, TRUST ME.
This is one of the huge reasons I have come so close to Amy, because she understands. She understands that our bad days are just days when the pain is dull. When you are grieving sometimes you shut people out, become anti social or just plain different. People that are true friends are the ones that recognize this and stay your friend with out making you feel guilty or holding it against you. And when you are ready they are there for you when you when walk back. Does that make sense? Some people who have not been through anything tragic in their lives expect people dealing with grief to act like they are in a Lifetime movie. Real life isn't like that. When you are in your darkest hours, you will push people away. The people who 'cut you slack' and are there when you are ready to reconnect are the ones who will always be there.
I want EVERY single person to know that I am forever THANKFUL that I have you in my life. I am thankful for all of my friends that supported me with the up most amounts of support a girl could ask for. From the kindness of your hearts you reached out at a time I wasn't sure I could get through. I have said it a millions times over and over again how much Chris and I are sincerely thankful for. I wish I had the strength to sit down and write every.single.person a personal handwritten TY card. I have the cards even since 2 weeks after Nolan passed and they are red/blue/white. Perfect colors, but this task as proven to be one of the most insurmountable tasks for me. I have made it through one. ONE. And I hope one day, I can sit down and write to each and every person that held their hand out to us in June. Until then, I am searching for that strength. I should be writing Thank You's to baby shower gifts, not 'baby dying' support cards.
So YES, I am still grieving. I am mourning my son who should have been home by now. I hope you can understand that time has not healed yet and it will be a LONG time until it does. So please, bear with me or try to understand that I am still in the process of mourning my son. Good days or not, it's on my mind every single hour, minute and second. Try living with that. Can you tell I am in a rough spot once again?
"According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance."
-Greys Antomy
Words
Sometimes, I have so much going through my head, but I just can't get it into words with out feeling like I am repeating myself for the 10th time. Maybe when I wake up I can verbalize it, but highly unlikely. I think I am getting to the anger part of grieving and it's not pleasant. But then again, there is nothing pleasant about my new life. I just want my Nolan and would do or change anything just to have him back.
Good night.
Good night.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Clear mind
Through the past few months I have met some really great girls. Girls that have been my backbone and ones that just "get it". I have realized since Nolan I have come to find out who my true friends are. There are just some out there that I look back on now since having a more clear mind and wonder why I am still friends. Why did I even continue to let it bother me back then? I guess I was too busy worrying about everything. Now I look back and think, what the hell...did they REALLY say or act like that. I obviously know not everyone knows how to act towards someone in my position. But for Christ's sake, selfishness is one thing I can't stand now. Some people had said the wrong things..but that is expected and forgiven. But somethings can't be forgiven, at least not right now.
As Amy (Kalli's Mom) said to me tonight:
"um...because we don't have time to listen to peoples bull shit when we are doing the best we can to breath everyday!.....I really don't have the energy to talk to anyone but you right now because I can't take anyone else complaining about their lives or what they are doing"
I will say, EVERYONE (friends, nesties(I wish I could name you all), some family, and strangers) were SO supportive right when everything happened. I don't want this rant to overshadow this. The donations to Nolan, us, flowers, cards and numerous texts and messages were so thoughtful and I am forever grateful. This rant has to do with the few weeks after everything happened at a time the grieving really set in.
The few weeks after were some of the hardest and darkest weeks I had ever been through in my entire life. I guess if I never have gone through loosing Nolan, I never would have put myself in these shoes UNLESS I had a close friend go through it. Then I would and I would be considerate and cautious of their feelings because I am their FRIEND!
Thank you to all you girls that have been SO supportive to me through this journey. The ones who didn't ignore me for your own selfishness. The ones who reminded me how special Nolan is to them still. The ones who let me talk about my true feelings with out harsh judgement. And the ones that I still talk to everyday. Thank you girls.
As Amy (Kalli's Mom) said to me tonight:
"um...because we don't have time to listen to peoples bull shit when we are doing the best we can to breath everyday!.....I really don't have the energy to talk to anyone but you right now because I can't take anyone else complaining about their lives or what they are doing"
I will say, EVERYONE (friends, nesties(I wish I could name you all), some family, and strangers) were SO supportive right when everything happened. I don't want this rant to overshadow this. The donations to Nolan, us, flowers, cards and numerous texts and messages were so thoughtful and I am forever grateful. This rant has to do with the few weeks after everything happened at a time the grieving really set in.
The few weeks after were some of the hardest and darkest weeks I had ever been through in my entire life. I guess if I never have gone through loosing Nolan, I never would have put myself in these shoes UNLESS I had a close friend go through it. Then I would and I would be considerate and cautious of their feelings because I am their FRIEND!
Thank you to all you girls that have been SO supportive to me through this journey. The ones who didn't ignore me for your own selfishness. The ones who reminded me how special Nolan is to them still. The ones who let me talk about my true feelings with out harsh judgement. And the ones that I still talk to everyday. Thank you girls.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Being a Mom
Being a mom to me right now is all about sharing Nolan's story and fixing his grave site. So tomorrow I have big plans for his spot. New flowers for fall, maybe a new picture and a night light! Chris isn't too fond of the solar light idea, but its a small one and it will be painted in Nolan's color. I got the idea from Amy (Kalli's Mom). My baby shouldn't be left in the dark every night, should he? Maybe he is scared of the dark, I dunno..but if he is.. I am here to fix it. So I am switching up the pinwheel with the new nightlight. Then I can go visit him to "tuck him in" when the light comes on at night. That's what Amy does every single night, she is such a good Mommy.
So if everything went the way it should have, Nolan would have been home by now. I would be fixing bottles, getting no sleep and holding a baby in my arms. But instead, I am going out to by new flowers, make a nightlight and visit my baby who lives in a Memorial Garden. Not my idea of being a Mom, but it's all I know. Hopefully one day we get to bring a baby home, to his/her nursery and get to be Mom that everyone else gets to be. It's all I want other than having Nolan here with us.
So if everything went the way it should have, Nolan would have been home by now. I would be fixing bottles, getting no sleep and holding a baby in my arms. But instead, I am going out to by new flowers, make a nightlight and visit my baby who lives in a Memorial Garden. Not my idea of being a Mom, but it's all I know. Hopefully one day we get to bring a baby home, to his/her nursery and get to be Mom that everyone else gets to be. It's all I want other than having Nolan here with us.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Dear Nolan
I'm as close as I can get to you baby, I am flying high in the sky thinking of you. Yup, they have Internet on the airplane and I keep looking out the window looking out at the sky wondering how close I am to Heaven. I miss you so much and have thought quite a bit about you this week.
I know you kept an eye on Grandpa this week, I am convinced that every little obstacle that turned to be a blessing was you looking out for him. I am so heartbroken that he never got to meet you. I was so excited that he was flying in that next morning to see you. I KNOW for a fact you would have made one big teddy bear cry.
I was hoping to write you a letter sooner, but you know how distracted I was with Grandpa. I sure wasn't expecting that to happen. I know I prayed for some distractions to get me through these next few months, but gosh darn son... not that!
I was able to take your aunts to college this week, that was eventful with in itself. It's insane to think that I am getting that old. It feels like just yesterday that your Dad and I were enjoying our college days. But now I am a graduated, married and a Mom. Your Aunts hung pictures of you all over their rooms and I am sure they won't stop talking about you. They absolutely adore you and miss you SO much!
Well Munchkin, I know you are giving me the strength to get through this month. If you were still here, I bet you would be home with your Mommy & Daddy. We would be loving on you like crazy and enjoying every minute we got with you. I just wish you were here, in my arms and making sweet faces at us. I love you with every ounce of my being Nolan. It's so weird to think that as of last week, you would have been officially born if my body never failed I hate that! I want nothing more than to have you back.
Next week will be hard, we are going to Las Vegas for Noelle's wedding. Sounds like fun, but you were suppose to be there with us. We had all intentions to bring you with us and have Aunt Trisha come be your Nanny. Obviously this was all before you were born too early. But I was so excited to bring you with us and have you meet all our friends. So I should be coming back early in Vegas and not going out, but I promise you I will enjoy myself.
I hope you and Kalli are enjoying Heaven. I look forward to the day I get to hold you once again. Please hold onto Kalli tight, her Mommy is one of my dearest friends. I really think you two brought us together knowing we NEEDED each other more than anything.
So as I look out on the sky, I am thinking of you and wondering what you are doing right now. And wondering what life would be like if you were still here. The days are getting easier with less tears, but the pain is still as sharp as it was 3 months ago. Keep an eye out for that perfect little baby brother or sister that you are going to send us hopefully. I will consider him/her hand picked from you. I love you Nolan and sweet dreams in Heaven.
Love,
Your Mommy
I know you kept an eye on Grandpa this week, I am convinced that every little obstacle that turned to be a blessing was you looking out for him. I am so heartbroken that he never got to meet you. I was so excited that he was flying in that next morning to see you. I KNOW for a fact you would have made one big teddy bear cry.
I was hoping to write you a letter sooner, but you know how distracted I was with Grandpa. I sure wasn't expecting that to happen. I know I prayed for some distractions to get me through these next few months, but gosh darn son... not that!
I was able to take your aunts to college this week, that was eventful with in itself. It's insane to think that I am getting that old. It feels like just yesterday that your Dad and I were enjoying our college days. But now I am a graduated, married and a Mom. Your Aunts hung pictures of you all over their rooms and I am sure they won't stop talking about you. They absolutely adore you and miss you SO much!
Well Munchkin, I know you are giving me the strength to get through this month. If you were still here, I bet you would be home with your Mommy & Daddy. We would be loving on you like crazy and enjoying every minute we got with you. I just wish you were here, in my arms and making sweet faces at us. I love you with every ounce of my being Nolan. It's so weird to think that as of last week, you would have been officially born if my body never failed I hate that! I want nothing more than to have you back.
Next week will be hard, we are going to Las Vegas for Noelle's wedding. Sounds like fun, but you were suppose to be there with us. We had all intentions to bring you with us and have Aunt Trisha come be your Nanny. Obviously this was all before you were born too early. But I was so excited to bring you with us and have you meet all our friends. So I should be coming back early in Vegas and not going out, but I promise you I will enjoy myself.
I hope you and Kalli are enjoying Heaven. I look forward to the day I get to hold you once again. Please hold onto Kalli tight, her Mommy is one of my dearest friends. I really think you two brought us together knowing we NEEDED each other more than anything.
So as I look out on the sky, I am thinking of you and wondering what you are doing right now. And wondering what life would be like if you were still here. The days are getting easier with less tears, but the pain is still as sharp as it was 3 months ago. Keep an eye out for that perfect little baby brother or sister that you are going to send us hopefully. I will consider him/her hand picked from you. I love you Nolan and sweet dreams in Heaven.
Love,
Your Mommy
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Good Bye UC
Well Dad is FINALLY being discharged to go home. Good Bye UC, you guys have been one AWESOME hospital and have treated my Dad so carefully. In 6-7 short weeks we will be back for a visit and look forward to seeing his Drs and nurses again.
I am so happy the surgery didn't happen yet and they were able to find the PEs otherwise Dad might not still be here. Thank you UC for being on top of your game.
Dad is going home on 7 blood pressure medications, Fragmin shots and Coumadin. Anything to keep his blood pressure below normal and thin his blood. Now he gets to work on preparing for his huge surgery in the beginning of November. It's bizarre that he is on the same shots I will be on when I get pregnant again, so I am getting a lesson in it earlier than I thought.
Now we are just waiting for the pharmacy and surgeons to visit one more time and then we are homeward bound. He is SO happy to see his dog, she sure does miss him.
Tomorrow we have to move both Maggie and Molly into OSU & Newark and it's going to be one LONG day. Dad can't go because he is not allowed to sit in a car that long. So hopefully Mom and I can figure this out since Dad has been the one that knows how to do it. I guess OSU has a huge system set up, wish us luck.
I am so happy the surgery didn't happen yet and they were able to find the PEs otherwise Dad might not still be here. Thank you UC for being on top of your game.
Dad is going home on 7 blood pressure medications, Fragmin shots and Coumadin. Anything to keep his blood pressure below normal and thin his blood. Now he gets to work on preparing for his huge surgery in the beginning of November. It's bizarre that he is on the same shots I will be on when I get pregnant again, so I am getting a lesson in it earlier than I thought.
Now we are just waiting for the pharmacy and surgeons to visit one more time and then we are homeward bound. He is SO happy to see his dog, she sure does miss him.
Tomorrow we have to move both Maggie and Molly into OSU & Newark and it's going to be one LONG day. Dad can't go because he is not allowed to sit in a car that long. So hopefully Mom and I can figure this out since Dad has been the one that knows how to do it. I guess OSU has a huge system set up, wish us luck.
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