Hope

I feel so incredibly empty, it's been a rough morning. I wanted nothing more in this world than to be a mom, it's what I have always wanted and longed for. Chris and I have been talking about being parents the entire past year. And if you knew me, you would know that was our plan. Ever since we were engaged we couldn't wait to get married and start a family. It was part of our master plan, have children right away, enjoy them in our younger years and when they all go to college we would travel all over. We had so many plans for Nolan, family vacations, preschool, family parties, ect. I could go on forever with our our plans for our little man. We were so blessed to get pregnant right away and lucky that we can get pregnant, but I never ever ever expected for us to be going down this path. I mean nobody ever expects to go down this path, it's everyone's worst nightmare and no one ever expects it to happen to them. I know this, because I was one of those people. I currently feel like I am stuck in a nightmare that stalled and I can't wake up.

I want nothing more to go back to Dr appointments and see him on ultrasounds, or to hear his heartbeat on the doppler, or dream about the day he would arrive. But instead it all happened backwards. I wish he was still in my belly growing and waiting to make his arrival. Instead I got really sick and he couldn't thrive inside me anymore and I was on my way to being dealthy sick. I trusted in God to take care of him and I will say again, I am VERY thankful to at least have gotten 3 precious days to be his mommy. But I can't help but be upset he's not here anymore.

I feel robbed of this pregnancy, I never really felt like a normal happy pregnant mom. This pregnancy was full of worry and anxiety. We never got the happy baby shower everyone else gets, never were able to do his nursery or pack a normal hospital bag for the day he arrives. I know these are all silly things but they are things I would have taken for granted if I never gone through this. I would do ANYTHING to be woken up at 2am to feed him and change his diaper. ANYTHING.Now the nursery we started is going back to an office and my Mom & Dad are going to repaint the beautiful blue we had started for his nautical nursery. He is our one and only nautical baby. It will never be the same for another child. On the other hand I am glad we never finished the nursery or bought all his furniture, we were so close. But I think it would make this even harder if I had to come home to that.

I know I am a mommy and will always be a mother to Nolan, but it's so hard to actually feel like a mom right now. I really felt it for the five best minutes in my life when I was able to change his one and only diaper. It's something I am really struggling with. I just want my Nolan back, I know you guys are sick of hearing it but it's the god honest truth. I know he is in a better place and I have to remember that he isn't suffering anymore, but it is so hard to comprehend right now.

Hope got me through these past 2 months. I have to remember to keep the hope in the coming months that one day I will be a mommy again. Nolan will one day be an older brother. It all comes in hope. Honestly that is what's helping me get through this sad time, is one day we will be parents again to Nolan's baby brother or sister. I am just so terrified my body will fail again in the future and we will never be parents, it's another nightmare I keep having. I just have to keep the hope and pray everyday that someting good will all come out of this. Something ironic I found out today.....

“Hope is symbolized in Christian iconography by an anchor. And what does an anchor do? It keeps the ship on course when wind and waves rage against it. But the anchor of hope is sunk in heaven, not on earth.”

~~Gregory Floyd, A Grief Unveiled
Thanks to one of my best friends, Ashley (AshNicole331) for making Nolan's symbol.
One thing that we have learned through this past week and we have seen so much good in people. From the church to the guy at the jewelry store that engraved Nolan's keepsake neckalce. There are so many loving people.
THANK YOU to those of you that have already sent in checks to our church in Nolans Name to his Guardian Angel Fund. It means SO much to us.

I want to say THANK YOU to everyone that has helped feed our family this week. Thank you to my co workers for bringing over wonderful sandwiches and homemade side dishes, it was so yummy! Thank You to all of Nolan's Nestie Aunties that have been SO supportive. I can't thank you girls enough, you are all a god send. We just had Bostom Market deliver a HUGE dinner for tonight from you ladies. THANK YOU SO MUCH!