6 months ago

6 months ago today... My world was turned upside down, dreams were shattered and we started a journey we never ever expected to take.

6 months ago I lost my baby. My perfect and teeny tiny Nolan who we had so many hopes and dreams for.... left us. I can't even begin to tell you what I felt in those few days and weeks after because 6 months later it seems to be a blur. I don't remember who I talked to, who visited, cards that were sent or things I did. I somehow got through each day and found comfort writing in this blog. Which to this day, I am terrified to go back and read the months of June & July because I am so scared to 'feel' those feelings because I remember writing them so vividly.

6 months later, grieving is different. The days between tears get further apart and the piercing stabbing pain is not a frequent visitor as it used to be, although she shows up unexpected when it comes. I am not as jealous as I used to be of other pregnancies and babies, yet I am still very sensitive to babies born around Nolan's due date. It's hard to see them and correlate how big Nolan would be or look like. I wish it wasn't this way, but it is.

6 months later, I have a hard time with accepting the unknown. The unknown of why Nolan left, why my body failed and if Chris and I will ever have a baby to bring home. I have a hard time accepting the fact we visit our baby at his grave in a memorial garden and I shop for flowers to make arrangements instead of baby clothes and toys. I have a hard time accepting why God chose us to take this journey. Why why why?

6 months later I still find myself back in a pre-baby routine consisting of Chris and I going out on dates, working full time, up keeping our house and enjoying our marriage. I agree getting back into a daily routine helped to grieve but it also put some feelings on the back burner and when I am not distracted, they can strike at any time unexpectedly. Sometimes the pain is just at raw as the second I feel into Chris arms after we lost him standing by his incubator in the NICU. The feeling of overwhelming shock and pain come flooding back.

6 months later, I still wish and hope I will wake up from this nightmare. I wish I never met some of the women I have that have gone through a similar loss, but they have been my support and I am thankful I have them.

But 6 months later I am learning to regain some of that hope back. Hope that 2010 will be our year. Hope that Dad will heal, my parents house will sell, new job for Dad and a 2010 baby for Chris and I. 2010 has got to be our year. Positive thoughts and lots of hope and prayers.