"MOM"

I am a MOM.

Sometimes I forget that I am- like a real MOM.

I think it's because I don't have a constant reminder looking back at me everyday and needing me. I know I HAD Nolan, I know I am his Mother... but I often forget that I am a MOM.

I'm sure this makes no sense. It's just on my mind and it's bothering me. Maybe because I dreamed of the day I would be called a Mom. I think being the oldest of 4 kids helped this, I was the 3rd provider, especially being 5 years older then the other 3. It's in my blood and I so want to be a Mom just like mine. I guess I never expected to be this type of Mom, who does..???

I was over helping Val paint tonight and she was telling me a story about another couple they hang out with and all I could think about is... Is that the family that brought their newborn over to your house before Chris and I got married? I remember I was so EXCITED to hold the baby and Val was telling the Mom that I was itching to have our own.

I really did think we had our ducks in line. Our wedding would be awesome, we would get pregnant and have the perfect family and live happily ever after. I don't think I took into account that 'things' don't always go as planned.

Just as I remember doing clinical hours as a student in the NICU back in 2006. I remember the tiny tiny baby fighting, and remember when he coded and didn't make it. I remember being on the 'other side' and seeing the nurses and RT's prepare the family, put them in the family room, dress up the baby in it's only outfit, taking 'that' picture and NOW I WAS THAT FAMILY.

That was really ME!

I was the one that watched my son code, prayed out loud the Our Father & Hail Mary as they were doing compressions on OUR BABY. The family that sobbed at the bedside and had to make the split second decision to stop the code. The family that was walked to 'that room' with my heartless son in my arms.

THAT family that had to call all the family members in 2am to tell them to come say their final goodbye. THAT family that I know the nurses were just waiting for us to give Nolan back to them so they could take his final picture and rearrange all the details that I was once on the other side. We were THAT family.
Holy cow, THIS is my definition of MOTHER. I hope, pray and beg that the next time we never have to step foot in the NICU and that we get to walk (me wheel) out the doors of Healthpark with a baby in arms. Please please please pray with me as I hope this is how it works out next time. I guess when I saw the family lose their baby in the NICU as a student, I NEVER EVER expected for it to be 'US' one day.

WOW. Life is so unpredictable.

But, in the end... we gave life.. We are parents. I am A MOM, Chris is a DAD. Just a different kind than we ever pictured. EVER.