Nolan's Room

Dear Nolan,
I don't even know where to start. God I miss you, I think about you every single day. I look back on your pictures and it takes me back to the time of indescribable amounts of excitement, joy and well a little bit of anxiety. But I never doubted your strength, you took me by surprise that night you went home to be with Jesus.

I think I have been pretty strong this week. A lot of things have been going on. Well first off, I went back to work and as you know I had a lot of anxiety about it. But that's also why I took extra time off so I was prepared and mentally ready. And quite honestly, I have surprised myself the past few days. I know you gave me strength the other night to hold in my emotions while with drawling life support on a young adult who was was diagnosed with brain death, and I know you gave me that extra push to go hug that mother. It was never something I could see myself doing, but it was something I felt I needed to do, I know her pain more than anyone else at that very moment. I watched his heart rate slowly go down to zero, just like yours and as hard as it was, I felt your strength with me. I will never forget when that RT came and hugged me that night in the quiet room, and even though she may not have ever lost a child... it was the hug that meant more than anything. It showed me how much she cared about you.

We also finished your old nursery tonight and it looks so perfect Nolan. I stood there in the middle of the room and just got so sad thinking about how it's not the same without a crib and changing table. I'm heartbroken I have a nursery for my son that you will never see. But I can tell you, it's absolutely perfect. I am so happy we didn't change the color of the room after we got home from the hospital. I will ALWAYS think of that room as YOUR room, even when you have a little brother or sister, it will still be your room. We also hung your nautical chart, and it looks awesome. But today was also hard putting away all your perfect little clothes I started collecting as soon as we found out you were a boy. I didn't look at any of them, I just quickly threw them in a tote and shoved it in the closet along with your bedding and mommy's maternity clothes. I hope we get to use all them again sometime in the future.

I love you perfect little boy, I can't even begin to express how much I miss you because there are no words that can describe the heartache. I wish I was folding your clothes and making last minute arrangements for your homecoming vs making a memory room. It just isn't fair, and I hate it! This is about the week you should be coming home from the NICU and we should be starting our life at home as a family, but instead it is so different.

I love you Nolan and I hope you like your memory room. It's now a place we can go sit in (as soon as we get the big chair) and just be with you in spirit.

Love you so much,
Your Mommy