Saturday, January 23, 2010

Dear Nolan,

I can't even begin to tell you how I am feeling right now. Your Daddy and I went to go visit you at the memorial garden today and noticed all your flowers are gone, your pinwheel, everything. Tears flooded my face and I couldn't help but think out empty your place looked. I knew in time that we wouldn't be able to decorate your special spot when the garden was more full. But I wasn't ready for this yet, wasn't expecting it and was caught off guard.

Every month I look forward to making your flowers or finding the perfect decoration. It's the only control I have. I can't go to Carters and find the cute outfits or perfect first pair of shoes. I can't buy new stuff to give you. I know you wouldn't care about it all anyways because it's all materialistic things, but it helps me cope. The things I never would have take for granted if you were still here.

I hope that your flowers come back, maybe I just happened to visit on a day that they are getting ready to do ground work. I'm not real sure baby, I just wish I knew because I wasn't prepared to see your spot empty. The whole place looked empty and it just breaks my heart.
I promise to find a way to do something, I'm not real sure what it will be. I know you probably don't care either way, but I do.

I love you munchin, more than a vase of flowers and pinwheel can ever show you.
Your Mommy


Nana Trina said...

Ashley, Don't be so sad I think Nolan is preparing you for the next step that awaits you. We must have faith that better days are ahead of you and Chris.
We will find the perfect way to keep his memory fresh and never forgotten. I have a new favorite number, 13 for the most amazing baby boy I have ever seen Nolan Michael Dowailby.
Love Nana

ryansmom said...

I'm sorry to hear that his flowers and pinwheel were gone. I hope it was because they were getting ready to do ground work. I know the cemetery where Ryan is at picks up every Wednesday and throws it away. If I want to save anything I have to pick it up before Wednesday morning and then put it back Wednesday evening. I know what you mean by picking out the flowers and other gifts. It's the only way that I feel like I'm being a Mom. All the other moms take their kids to school or practice or buy them clothes. All I can buy are flowers and small items to put at the grave site. I hear you Ashley and I feel your pain. (((Hugs)))...sigh....

Jessica said...

It is such a comfort when we can speak so openly about our babies. I am so glad you got that opportunity.

Jessica said...

Ashley, I am so sorry about my was my comment in response to your post on blog friends and somehow I posted it on the wrong post.

I hope that Nolan's things return. Its true...we hold onto what we can with our babies because we won't get the opportunities to buy little things for them as they grow. *hugs*

Bluebird said...

((Hugs)) Just lots and lots of ((hugs))

Holly said...

I'm so sorry that Nolan's things weren't there. How awful to go there and see his spot empty where there were many things.