Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Confessions of a casual Black Friday shopper

Black Friday. I hate you. You are a nightmare to my brain. I had no intentions of doing the whole Black Friday thing, I thought I had no desire to stand in line to save a few dollars. That was until I was sitting at home, boys were sleeping and I knew I had nothing else better to do that night than lay on the couch and catch up on DVR because us night shifters have no other life in the middle of the night than watch reruns of the Slap Chop and Pedi Egg.
"If you call NOW (3:56am) in the next 19 seconds, you will not only get a Slap Chop for 3 easy payments of $9.99 BUT you will get 12 Slap Chops for the price of one" HOLY cow pie!! That is BETTER than Black Friday, WTH was I thinking?!
So why not, the stores are opening at Midnight AND there were a few, and I mean FEW things that caught my eye. I think I was just more excited there was stores other than Walmart open at my time of night for once and I had something to kill time. 

 So may plan of attack: Target, Kohls, Bealls. I left it up to CC to plan out my Black Friday attack, as you see he knew exactly what to do with those ads. STOMP all over them!

11:25pm, I find myself in the Target parking lot staring at the growing line and thinking to myself WTF am I doing?! What did I REALLY need at Target that I just HAD to have. Nothing. Plus there is no way in hell I can wait for 30 minutes for this store to open, I'M BORED!

SO 5 minutes later I find myself across the street at Bealls accessing the parking lot and huge line outside the door. With 10 minutes to spare to Midnight and my lack of patience, I decided to drive to Kohls and start there. I figured by time I got there, it's be open and no hassle getting in. 

 HOLY HELL! People! Get a grip! 

It's a freaking pillow and towel half off! These idiots were wrapped around the building twice. Maybe I was missing something. So I go in, with no particular thing to buy but get trampled by 300 desperate housewives trying to buy every kitchen platter/bake ware and utensil in stock. They would frantically run people over with their carts stocked so high they couldn't see over them like a 93 year old driving. 

Watch it people! I grab my basket, pick out a few ornaments -seriously what person goes "window shopping" for random things on BLACK FRIDAY?- ME! 

I'm making my way to the other side of the store when my basket jumps out of my hands and side sweeps the table in the middle of the aisle holding 80 some odd candle vases. (Don't ask me who's brainy idea that was to strategically place that there. But you know what happens next... 


Glass everywhere! People walking over it, people watching in disgust at me while all I want to do is hide. I was honestly waiting for the thunderous clap- You know, the one they do at the restaurant when a waiter drops the plate. But nothing. 

Shit, that would have been better than the under the breath comments coming from passer buyers and evil stares from people wondering why I am not licking it up for crying out loud. So here I am on the floor of Kohls with crazy people practically crawling over me as I sweep the glass under the table with my shoes. I was SO having that dog with tail between legs moment.

Finally someone shows up to save the day, I apologize for the loss of $13.99 and go on with my business. What do you expect- glass in the middle of the aisle on Black Friday. Sorry. So I left. The line wrapped around the store to check out turned me off. 

So back to Bealls, then back to Kohls (yes I wanted that damn ornament), the unmentioned store where husbands gift came from, then best friend begs me to join her at Old Time Pottery as soon as she gets off at 6. Which turned into Toys R Us, Michaels and Old Navy. 

Did I mention I was delirious by Old Time Pottery, a metal chicken even looked like a good buy!

Finally went to bed around 11am. Did I mention I only slept 3 hours the day before when I got off work before Thanksgiving festivities started. I'm still trying to figure out what someone drugged me with that made me want to try this Black Friday crap, then to stay out till 11am only to have to work that night and the next 3?! 

 So here I am, Black Friday casual shopper survivor on 3 hours of sleep. Will I do it next year, ahhh NO! I'll stay home and throw back some Pinot while I watch all my friends FB status' of ridiculous lines and pepper spray fights over some sale towels. 
I just don't have the patience or grace to deal with that chaos. Obviously. 

So where have I been this past week? Recovering. Worked 3 nights in a row following my Black Friday mess and now here I am blogging at 5am because the baby is still asleep and my attention span is at a peak to sit still for more than 3 minutes.

No joke. 


krousehouse said...

Hilarious! Similar to my experience a few years ago...and now I stay in and enjoy the FB updates about fights over towels as well!

Josiel Dias said...

Olá minha querida irmã Graça e Paz.
Parabéns pelo blog muito edificante para as nossas vidas.
Quero aproveitar a oportunidade e compartilhar com a amada irmã Uma Mensagem Edificante para Alma.
Ficaremos felizes por vossa visita e mais ainda se nos seguir-nos.
Deus te abençoe ricamente
Josiel Dias
Mensagem Edificante para alma
Rio de Janeiro

Pam McBride said...

OMG I hate black Friday with a passion! I will never be in the middle of that greedy ridiculousness! It ruins what Thanksgiving is supposed to be about.

Laurms15 said...

I enjoy your blog, and I'm fearful of Black Friday. I'm short I'd be trampled first. However your metal chicken photo reminded me of another blog I read about Beyonce the Metal Chicken which you really must read....
The original: http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/
The Return: http://thebloggess.com/2011/07/knock-knock-motherfucker-giant-metal-chickens-revisited/

If you google "beyonce the metal chicken" she has a facebook and a twitter. Anyway I just thought you might be amused if you haven't already seen it.

Sarah said...

Wow. You're a brave girl. Every year I swear Im not going. And I havent..yet. For some reason Im just curious to really experience the madness. Just once. Maybe. Nahhhh, forget that :)

Jill said...

hahahah this was so funny! youre such an awesome writer Ashley. You really need to write a book! :)

TanaLee Davis said...

yeah, I think my Black Friday's are over. Last year I waited in huge lines and got in the store to see that only a few dollars were saved if that... bargains HA! They are only jacking up the price weeks before so they can drop it for Black Friday. Not worth the hassle in my life... I shop if need be when all the early shoppers are home sleeping with their two $ off items, my coupons in hand were the real savings are. hugs-