Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Rewind to last week's ER visit

For all those times I spent sitting on a hospital stretcher hooked to monitors and getting my blood drawn while pregnant with CC, it sure was different being on the other side. This time, it was CC in the stretcher, hooked to a few monitors, giving blood and getting probed.
Last week, CC came home with a 103 fever and being unable to break the darn thing despite Tylenol, cool baths and forehead compresses, our poor baby landed in the peds office. He looked pitiful all day, just wasnt himself at all.

His little rosy cheeks and sad eyes tell you how awful he felt.

The pediatrician was baffled by his high unbreakable fever with lack of symptoms and his constant moaning and whimpering. The nurse had cold paper towels on his head because his fever spiked to 103.3 after Tylenol. So after a slew of tests, we were sent to the ER.

(it's so weird to have him on my lap in the stretcher considering I'm used to him still being in my tummy every other time I was on a stretcher- oh and isn't he huge)

All his tests came back 100% normal and it was concluded that he just had a virus that has been running around.

He was back to his normal self with in 24 hours. It was just his first and hopefully last visit to the ER. I'm glad we went though bc it gave my anxiety a peace of mind. Had we gone home after the pedi's, I'm sure he would have heard from this crazy whack all night. It's just so hard to find that medium of normal worry and over anxious. Overall, I think I handled it pretty darn well, and 24 hours later- CC seemed to feel the same.

-attempted to blog this from my trusty iPhone most likely because I was too lazy to sit at the computer. Eh.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Next Gerber Baby?!

I'm being THAT Mom and saying...

Gerber has beefed this kid up to his 22lb statue at 7 months- he's huge! He lives for the powered goodness!! You would NEVER guess this baby was 5.5lbs at birth, would ya? This kid would be a pig in shit if he won Gerber baby, come on, free food for life I'm sure! HA!!

CC says THANK YOU!!!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

"Only the good die young"

I wasn't going to write a post. I really wasn't. I DO have a lot to say but
A. Couldn't collect my thoughts
B. Didn't want to sound sappy.

But here I am, 12:40am in the morning, and reminiscing about your life that I SO took for granted while you were here. I was in the middle of writing a post on your FB when I realized what song was on iTunes.

"Only the Good Die Young"

Seriously Charlie?! I NEVER listen to that song. SURE, I have 3,000+ songs on my itunes due to our sister Maggie but that is the ONE song that randomly pops up?! Seriously Charlie?! You were NOT suppose to leave us this early. You just weren't.
OK here it is.

I miss you. I know I pretended like I was better than you in RT land but in all reality I look up to you as a therapist. You are the therapist I strive to be now. One that is remembered not only hours and days after you step foot in their room, but months after. I now take my time with my patients and talk to them more, because YOU taught me that. I know I may have had all the strait A tests from class and all the insides on how to pass Sindee's class but you didn't need that because you had those brains from day 1 and had the compassion from the beginning. You had it all Charlie, you could charm a snail out of their shell at the North Pole. You just had it.

I love you. I miss your charisma and your whit. You seriously made me laugh ALL THE TIME. I can only imagine how you are taking care of Nolan & Brice and the conversations your having with Grandpa. Is your notebook in Heaven full yet?

For what tonight was, it turned out perfect. Your close friends came and celebrated your life with us by visiting you and saying a prayer and releasing balloons. We went and dedicated a plaque work had hung in your memory too and then went on to MacDaddy's for drinks.

Hung right outside the ICU and ABG room

Hard to think just a year ago I was driving to work like any other normal night. It was only a matter of minutes that our world changed, it was no way it as you in that accident. I seriously think about it EVERY night I clock in on that very clock you never made it to that night. I regret never working with you, we would have had so much fun. I was your big sister, no one will ever take that from you or me. But as of tonight, every time I run an ABG, I will be reminded you're watching over me.

Your sisters miss you so much down here, all 3 of us, I wish I could put into words how we feel but it's impossible. All I can ask for is to take care of my Nolan, watch over Brice and keep Grandpa in line with his Fox News. Nothing grand is happening down here other than our Heaven kissed CC taking after you... NO lie.
Blue Eyes
Blonde Hair
and Charming in every way.

I miss you Charlie. I find it hilarious that a year later girls are still fighting after your last attention. And you better know that I would be busting your chops!

AND. as I finish, our favorite song is on. INSANE.
Ok ok... and now Bob Marley.. seriously Charlie. I can't make this shit up!
Miss you more now than ever before, your nephew reminds me of you every waking day and I love it!

Friday, July 8, 2011

Finally met my favorite internet "stranger"

2 years ago we lost Nolan

6 weeks later Amy & Scott lost Kalli
1 day after that, a mutual Facebook friend connected us.

We both lost our babies to pre-eclampsia.
Delivered the same gestational age, both severe IUGR
Both of us watched our babies code in front of our very eyes.

She is in Kansas, I was in Florida.
Both new Mom's 1500 miles apart trying to find our way in tragedy.
New friends questioning their faith together wondering what we did to deserve this.

2 years spent crying, talking, hoping, wishing over emails, texts, AIM & phone.
Talking about our angel babies and dreaming about our future babies.

2010 brought us some joy.
Kooper born in June 2010, 28 weeks and 2.1lbs
Born early due to pre-e once again.
Spent 109 days in the NICU
and got to come home.


CC born December 2010 almost full term.

We finally meet.

Last week, after 2 years of a friendship, after 1,000 phone calls, endless hours talking on AIM...

Amy, Scott & Baby Kooper came to the sunshine state to spend the week with us.
What an incredible week. It really didn't feel real when the 2 of them were walking towards us in the airport with Kooper. ZOMG.. we are finally meeting and CC is going to meet his new BEST FRIEND! It was perfect.

So what did we do with this cattle farm Kansas folks in Florida?! Stay tuned....

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

My world was gone but is part of it coming back?

Grief has been my enemy the past 2 years and I am sure will be part of my life forever. It introduced me to extreme jealousy, bitterness and complete heartbreak. I have personally battled more anger and hate in the past 2 years than I have ever in my life. But at the same time I had to go through these stages and feelings to start to heal. Although, I consider healing as learning to accept the new normal, that new normal that is frequently referred to in the following months after a deep loss. Who I was before I lost Nolan and who I am today are 2 completely different people mentally, emotionally and even physically. Close friends accepted this, or at least understood but I also lost touch with those that my grief overshadowed our relationships. I "weeded" a lot of people out of my life and at the same time planted new ones. So I am here to proclaim my journey and things that I have learned and am still learning.
Grief is a complex emotion, that's an obvious if you have read through this blog. It feels like a 500lb weight on your shoulders 24/7. It starts at the beginning of every day when you wake up and are hit smack in the face of reality that your baby is not in your arms, nor even in the other room sleeping. That nightmare that you thought you woke up from is not just a nightmare, it's your new life. A new normal. That first year I withdrew from a lot of people and I just wanted to be alone in a sense. I wanted to talk to people that understood what I felt and what I was going through.
I thank my lucky stars that a mutual friend brought Amy and I together just weeks after losing Nolan. We were each others shoulders to cry on and we held each others hand through a road that was dark, bumpy and down right scary. We talked for hours every night and we had a special bond that no one else could be. No matter what we had to say for that day, we always responded with "me too"
What I have come to learn in the past 2 years is the grief of losing a baby is different than any other loss. The emotions, the thoughts, the wishes, pleads & tears that are shed all mimic each others. It's a phenomenon in a such that every mother I have met, every blog that I have read and every email that I have received seems to go through similar emotions in stages.
For me, it started with a pit in your stomach feeling of loss. You feel like your living a nightmare that you can't open your eyes and end. There are times you wish you didn't have to wake up and face the reality because sleeping was the only time I didn't feel the sickening pain. I felt like my world was at the end, there was no light at the end of the tunnel, my smiles were fake and my inner demons were attacking me.
All I wanted was Nolan, was that too hard to ask for?
Then it seemed like every trigger was out to get me. My pregnant friends FB status, the pregnant lady at the grocery store, the Huggies sample that arrived in the mail. I couldn't get away from them, they chased me everywhere I went. I was mad at them for hurting me, but in reality it wasn't their faults, they we're just living everyday normal life. Me on the other hand, I was struggling just to take that next breath and step forward.
I went through the sensitive stage of friends and strangers saying the wrong thing. In their minds, it was okay or normal or maybe even came out because they weren't sure what else to say. Whatever the case, many of times I lost relationships due to this. I was angry, upset and down right adamant that I would never forgive. I understand that people had to feel censored around me, who wouldn't. But what was hurtful was people expressing their annoyance to having to feel censored around me. I was going through a deep depression and anything could trigger the overwhelming burden of not having Nolan.
People reached out. People prayed. People went out of their way to help that summer of 2009. They did what any good family member or friend would do at a time of loss. It was months later, even years later that it was being thrown in my face that I did not return the favor or I never thanked people for their efforts. Even went to the point for someone to say I bathe in self pity and I need to get over it and move on. YES, a normal person would think these things. But I was no longer a normal person. I had a new normal. And dammit I think I have made great strides in the past 2 years. 
I have had a tunnel vision of trying to get to the light in our life. As others moved on with their lives, I battled with grief.
So I am here 2 years later to share where I am in this grief journey because I have gotten quite a few emails asking to do so.
2010 was a very exhausting year emotionally. We get pregnant again, hope regains itself back into our lives because we have a chance to be parents here on Earth. My triggers didn't change, I avoided all pregnant people and babies, I still felt overwhelming jealousy towards friends with one year olds, and I avoided every baby thing imaginable afraid it would haunt me down the road if we lost again. Even with all those triggers and high levels of anxiety I still felt joy and hope for what was to come. But that feeling of things finally turning around was quickly ended on July 13th when my little brother died. I now had a whole new journey of grief to add to my existing. That on top of a high risk pregnancy with multiple hospital admissions and anxiety that was absolutely unmeasurable I felt like I was going to break at any moment.
But come December 5th 2010, we were blessed with a crying, healthy and perfect baby boy. The sigh of relief that was taken in the OR that night by Chris, my OB, Ashley my RN & Godmother to CC and myself had to be heard across the county.
CC has been my drug. He did not replace Nolan in any way what so ever. But CC has given me what I so craved and grieved over not having when we lost Nolan. Don't get me wrong, he also reminds me often of what Nolan could have been or makes me wonder what Nolan would have been like.
The past few months I have recognized a change in my journey (oddly enough, while drafting this blog the past 2 days, 2 of my friends posted similar blogs). I smile more than I did before and it's truly genuine. I think of the good when we talk about Nolan and I don't focus on his death as I try to remember his little life instead. I want to pass on to others what has been done for me. None of it went unnoticed and I finally feel a sense of normalcy that I can go back and forgive those that I have been upset with over the past 2 years. It's a burden that will help me continue on this journey. Hopefully, they can understand that I really have no excuse or reason to the ways or things I felt at that time. It was something I had to go through and it's obviously an ugly process. 
Don't get me wrong, I am in no means saying I am healed or that I am "fixed" and over everything because we have CC or time has been the healer. I am simply saying that I have started to feel the acceptance for this grief. Those 5 stages stay true. Some go through it text book, some like me go through it daily and it changes by the hour. But I can honestly stand  here and say.. the acceptance has started.
I live for my babies. 
Nolan was the reason I woke up and put one foot in front of the other every morning. Chris and I chose to live for Nolan, do the things he never will be able to and live in his memory. It's what got me through the past 2 years. My bad days are less, the tears come and go as expected but the healing has begun (although I'll never be fully healed) but there is not one day that goes by that I don't think of Nolan. 
I gave him life and he gave me a gift of seeing the world as a blessing.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Home Tour

  Welcome to our home. Yea yea, it took a Housewarming Party to get our house clean and organized enough to take pictures to share on here. USUALLY we have piles of clothes ready to be be folded or put in the laundry, baby toys everywhere and a messy bedroom. I don’t have every room to share just yet but when we were planning on paint colors, decorations, and blah blah blah.. I relied on other blogs & home tours for ideas and I want to be the same help to others.


This is the view coming up the stairs, we have 3 bedrooms and a loft which I predict will be gated off and made into a playroom in the very near future.

Paint color: Behr’s Perfect Taupe lightened 50% by paint desk


Master Bedroom

It’s HUGE! Our old bedroom barely fit our king size bed so this is quite the change. I wanted a calming gray color but didn’t want it to seem to institutional. The curtains came from Ikea, furniture from American Signature. THAT was a spurge I just had to have a few years ago and Chris hated the canopy, so when we moved in here I kept the canopy off. Then by the 2nd night we put it back up because the room was just so big and like a dog feels comfort in their kennel, we needed our canopy. Yes, I just compared us to dogs.

Paint Color: Behr’s Graceful Gray

IMG_3086 IMG_3087

The Loft/Future Playroom & Hallways

This will be nice when we can gate it off, the laundry room is right across from this and will give me no excuse to get laundry done. HA!

Paint Color: Behr’s Perfect Taupe lightened 50% by paint desk

IMG_3072IMG_3073IMG_3088CC’s Room

I am just in LOVE with his room. We kept it the same as Nolan’s room from the previous house and so glad we did. We found that bookcase on craigslist and with a few coats of paint, it was well worth the whopping $60. The rug used to be plain navy blue, but I found this perfection at Lowes and knew it would just tie his room together. I love that he can grow into this room for many years to come.    

Paint Color: Harbor from Ralph Lauren but mixed in Behr since RL is no longer available

IMG_3074IMG_3075IMG_3077 IMG_3078

Kid/Guest Bathroom

It’s a work in progress that was literally finished minutes before the party. It will eventually be a sea/fish theme, unless I change my mind before then. My Dad put up the wainscoting and it really made this bathroom look SO MUCH BETTER!

Paint Color: Behr's Reflecting PoolIMG_3079A little gem I found on EtsyIMG_3080IMG_3081 Guest Bedroom

It took some convincing to get my girly room but I adore it! The light & bedding is from Ikea, curtains were found at TJ Maxx and the beautiful furniture was a $90 steal on craigslist. I plan on hanging some large black and white Chicago pictures whenever I find some that don’t cost an arm and a leg.

Paint color: Behr’s Elephant Skin


Walking downstairs

The future dining room/living room is off to the left. We have not touched this room yet since we have no clue what we want. So what do we do…. throw our extra patio furniture in there. Class.


Walking in the front door

Paint Color: Dolphin Fin


Family Room

Paint Color: Behr’s Silver Drop

IMG_3417 My best friend Val made this beauty, doesn’t it look strait out of Pottery Barn. I just LOVE it!

IMG_3419IMG_3422 Downstairs Powder Room

I had fallen in LOVE with the Board & Batten I have seen on so many DIY blogs and decided to start small and try it in a small room. My Dad and I set out to Home Depot and a few days later, our powder room was completely changed. Thank you Dad!

Paint Color: Behr’s Light French Gray

IMG_3415We tried taking this mirror off to replace it with a framed one, but the mirror was not going to budge without making a huge hole in the wall. I was thinking of outlining the mirror in rope. Thoughts? Any other ideas, please share.


And if you want to see the kitchen… click here

Friday, July 1, 2011

6 months!

It’s almost a month late but I just had to share CC’s 6 month photo shoot taken by a dear friend, KC Photography. She was introduced to me by my blog bestie Lauren and is a BLM herself. She does amazing work just as CC’s other photographer Maria. I just love the both of them!!




 002400210020   ok ok… I need to stop uploading. There are just WAY too many I am in LOVE with!!!

6 months

20.6lbs! He’s huge! Who would ever believe he was 5.5lbs at birth!?

Still sleeping through the night

LOVES the pool and ocean, he kicks his little legs like crazy!

He sits like a pro and is slithering around the floor. We will have a mobile baby real soon. Watch out!

I think he grew out of his 6 month/9 month clothing in less than 2-3 weeks and now is in 12 months. I’m telling you he’s a solid boy!

Loves his blanky, anything with lights and noise, loves his Momma & Dad and naps like a King.

He really is one happy baby with deep blue eyes and we just love the crap out of him!

A little bit of chaos never hurts especially when you run out of gas for the 1,607,000th time

  • I learned how to change a blow out diaper with no wipes because Mom of the Year over here forgot them in the diaper bag that morning before heading out. I'm still hearing shit for that one. I'll spare you the details.
  • I ran out of gas, once again while on 'zero miles' since I couldn't remember when I hit '0 miles' left. My car ever so slightly locked up and stopped moving IN the BJ's parking lot, 3 lanes away from the gas station. It was like the darn Ford Edge was giving me the big fat middle finger for not filling her up sooner. OH!- Apparently BJ's doesn't sell gas cans nor does the service person working the thing understand what a freaking gas can is. Thankfully I found a nice man filling up his beautiful fire engine red gas can and asked him for some assistance. He helped thank god, because calling my husband or Dad to come save me, well I would never hear the end of it.
  • This little hiccup while running errands on a 95 degree day cut short all my grocery shopping since we had a graduation to get to for the Respiratory class of 2011. The class was presenting me with a plaque that they had made in honor of Charlie. Bless their hearts for remembering my brother.
  • Housewarming party the next day was a HUGE success.... EXCEPT the 50lbs of Boston Butt Pulled Pork wasn't ready in time due to not having it in the crock pot at 6am, why may you ask?! OHHHH that's right, I ran out of gas and never made it to Publix to get the Apple Juice. Then at 11:45 at night, I remembered I kinda needed that to start the pulled pork early AM and Publix doesn't open until 7am nor does the husband get home till then anyways. So MacDaddy's got a good purchase from us to feed the million hungry people in my house that evening. Then by 11pm, I have 6 Boston Butts screaming they were finally ready. What a pork failure. And did I mention, we ran out of paper plates, tinfoil and paper towels. This made for a fun clean up!
Hey at least the jello-shots & blow up slide were a hit

Then the best part of the week...
Amy, Scott and Kooper arrived. But I have soooooo much more to write and share on this so until then, I hope I left you with some laughs.