9 days until we move into our balcony cabin for 10 nights. I can not wait! We need this, we need a break from the real world. I plan on eating a bunch of food, enjoying all the wine, meeting new people and enjoy every.single.second and do it for Nolan. I would much rather be going in the spring with a 6 month old baby, but I can't change what has happened so I need to try to accept. (harder said than done)

On the other hand, we had a last minute visitor staying with us this weekend. My cousin, who I haven't seen in years (I mean like over a decade) drove 9 hours on a whim to come visit. I swear we are identical, we talk the same, act the same, both have ADD and are both completely random. Anything that sparkles can distract us from the current moment and we seriously crack each other up. I needed her this weekend, she is like the little medicine I needed. I love you Reeeeeeeebekah and thank you for driving to see us! Here's a few pics from the beach yesterday.

Dear Nolan,

Happy 5 month birthday little guy. I guess I wouldn't consider you an infant anymore being that you would have been 5 months. I know you would still be pretty small, but still be 5 months! I miss you so much and I know I should write you more but your probably sick of hearing me say the same thing over and over again. I feel like a broken record most the time. I just want you to know that you are thought of often. There is not one moment that goes by that I don't think about you or how big you would be or what milestones you would be approaching.

I promised myself I would never look up what your milestones would be given a certain age.But I just can't help myself. So according to babycenter.com

• You would be able to reach accurately for an object and hold your head steady when sitting upright.
  
  
• You would be able to roll over in one direction.
  
  
• You would pay attention to very small objects and be able to squeal with delight with spontaneously smiles.
  

Amazing to think with as small as you were, you would be able to do these things. God I wish I could have experienced this with you baby.

5 months ago right now, your grandma was begging me to take her up to meet you in the NICU. I made her wait all day because I didn't want her to meet you without me there. I guess you could say Mommy wasn't feeling so good after my surgery and had a hard time staying awake let alone get out of bed, so poor Gma had to wait a long time. You were the ONLY reason I got out of that bed. I would do anything now to sit with you every second and every minute you lived in the NICU. I regret not spending all that extra time with you more than anything. I took the time here you had for granted and thought I had all the time in the world to spend with you. I was selfish and took a lot of that time to heal. I knew you were in great hands and I didn't want to annoy your nurses with my presence. But now I look back on it and I know they would have let me sit there for hours upon hours if I wanted to. I even remember them asking me if I wanted a chair, but I declined and just used my IV pole to stay steady.

My favorite thing about watching you was when you would kick your little legs like crazy. You had so much life to you. There was not a doubt that you were weak, at least you didn't show it. You held on to your daddy's finger and kicked your huge feet against my hands. I just wish I could go back and feel that one more time. You were so real, more real than anything in this world and as time passes, I feel like those moments are slipping away. Not the moments of you, but the details of the moment. I guess all that matters is you.

Nolan, I just want you back here with me and your Daddy. Your Daddy misses you SO much. He is always talking about you. He visits you all the time and every time he leaves, he gives you a kiss with his hand. He misses you Nolan, you made his day when you came out crying. A 6'7" tall man who is one not to share his emotions, he shed tears. You melted that mans heart and I know if you were still here you would have you wrapped around his huge fingers.

I love you Nolan. I am trying to live my new normal and I know you are the one helping me get though it. But some days are harder than others and on those days I think extra about you. I have had a few rough weeks and all I can think about is how I wouldn't be dealing with any of this had you been able to stay here. Here with your Mommy and Daddy. We leave on our cruise in your memory in 16 days and as much as I am excited for it, I wish we weren't going because it would mean you were here. Our next cruise was planned for when you were 6 months old and your Grandmas and Grandpa's, Aunts and Uncle were all going to come. But it's amazing how things can change in a blink of an eye.

I pray that your keeping an eye out for a very special brother or sister to send our way in the coming months. I know you will keep him/her safe through out the pregnancy, I know you know how hard we fought for you and will do the same in the future. I love you baby boy, I am sure you are growing like a weed up there in Heaven. I am sure you are being well taken care of.

I promise Nolan, I will live every second of everyday just for you.
Love,
Your Mommy

P.S. Just listen Nolan, it's like I am singing you a lulluby. This is a perfect song, no words to describe it. I love you.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Secret Garden (October)

The Secret Garden


So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 5 months since we lost Nolan and to tell you the truth everyday is different. Right now in this moment, I feel angry and hopeless. I have cried more in the past 2 weeks than I have in the past 2 months, but I am starting to feel it more since the shock is wearing off and reality sets in. But I 'feel' better.. I laugh more, I am more in tuned with others, and I get out and enjoy more. But when the moments of reality hits, I just seem to feel it more.

I think I am angry because I want answers. Isn't that simple enough to ask for? I am angry because I didn't spend more time with Nolan when he was alive. I am angry because I wonder if any of this could have been prevented, even though they tell me no way. I am angry because I have been told to get 'help I need' and that I live in a 'dark world'. I'm angry at that because I know I am doing SO much better then I was even just 1 month ago. I am just angry because all the stress and problems I have with friends or work wouldn't even be a sparkle in my eye if Nolan was still here.

But then when the anger subsides, I am pleasantly surprised with how well I am doing.They say there are those 5 stages of grief and boy do I feel them all and all at different times. I am learning what a grief journey is really all about. I guess you could say I never put much thought to it because I never really had to go through it.

As far as the future, I want to say I have endless amounts of hope and faith but I just don't. That's probably because I had so much hope with Nolan and look where we ended up. I am afraid of never bringing a baby of our own home. I am afraid we will never enjoy that blissful carefree pregnancy. I still have jealousy lurking in the shadows of other pregnancies & babies and I really don't think that will ever go away until we bring a little brother or sister home. I will still avoid baby talk with others even when we get pregnant again, that's just how it will be.

I have found some peace, it comes in small bits here and there. People say they see a huge improvement in me. I try my best to fulfill everyday to it's fullest. I have gone out and traveled, met new friends, connected with old and am functioning at work. I have met some wonderful 'new' friends who live in the 'dark world' (insert sarcastic voice here) and have found them to be my therapy since we are each in a different part of this journey and I have also helped a few through the beginning of their journey. To me, this blog & other Mother's who know this pain have been my biggest help. Because on your worst days, they don't hold it against you for hurting....they just 'get it'

I am looking forward to joining a bereavement group at my church that is starting this month. I am not all sure what it all involves but it wouldn't hurt to try it. I also want to reach out to new loss Mom's in the NICU at our hospital. I think it is what Nolan would want me to do, help others. I'm to that point that I feel like I can help a new Mom get through those first few weeks. Without Johanna telling me my feelings are completely normal and valid, I think I would have gone crazy. She was just coming up on the 2 year anniversary of losing her baby, Eli and she promised me it does get easier, but that pain is always there. I am finding out, she is 100% right.

One step in front of the other, deep breath, don't be afraid to smile when crying and remember... I am alive.

Unsure feelings

In one aspect, I am starting to feel so happy and excited. But then in another aspect I am completely stressed out and unsure of what I want to do. I have a lot of decisions to make in the coming weeks.

The cruise is getting closer and closer-thank god. Chris and I need to get away, relax, reflect and enjoy our time together. We deserve this. Now if I can just get a handle on this stress I would feel a tad bit better.

I am getting worried about this time of year. I have completely weaned myself off the meds I have been on since losing Nolan (they did wonders). At first I was surprising myself with the strength I was holding. But the past 2-3 weeks have been emotionally draining. I am sure it doesn't help having ADD so I am constantly switching thoughts in my head. BUT, I am doing good. Good as a Mom can be that doesn't have her son with her anymore. Honestly though, I have been 'feeling' my emotions more. The meds sure did mask them and sometimes I think it masked them too much. It's gotten a little hard watching friends babies slowly grow out of infants it makes me hurt for Nolan so much. I try to sit back and dream about what Nolan would be like, but the thoughts just make me sad. These are the last few weeks before I start reliving the months I was pregnant. It also happens to be the holiday times. Ahhhh, let this time pass quickly please. I am praying. My friends who are around me all the time, see my improvement and that makes me happy but I want to feel 'normal' again.

I miss the old me. No doubt about it. The Ashley that was carefree and loved life. I know some friends miss her too. Trust me, the old Ashley even loved going to work and talking to friends and co-workers. But lately I kinda just feel on social auto pilot and like a black sheep. I look forward to the day I am wearing Old Ashley shoes again, I know that day will come, it has to right?

I cried the other morning on the way home from work, a deep cry. One I sat in my car for minutes before I even pulled away. I turned on Nolan's song and cried. I just kept thinking about how all the stresses in my life currently or any of the problems I am experiencing right now... they wouldn't even exist IF Nolan was still here. None of them. I just want him back.

I just have to remember... I'm alive. Everyday I wake up, I have to lay there and think what's missing. Trust me, it takes a nanosecond to remember what our new life is about. Did this really happen to us? Am I sure it's not a bad nightmare? BUT, despite everything.. I crawl out of bed and remind myself, I'm alive and for now I will put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

Blind Blessing

I went to our churches memorial mass for All Souls Day on Monday night. It was a luminary service held outside where Nolan is laid to rest. I wasn't able to stay for the entire mass since I had to work and was already late. But I was somewhat down when I got to work because it just puts it into reality what this is really all about.

I went ahead and started my treatments and low and behold a code blue was called. I showed up, did my thing, even did compressions for the first time since losing Nolan. I was fine until after wards and just got kinda down again.

I then went to give my last patient her breathing treatment and she was watching mass on TV. We small talked over how it's All Souls Day and I shared with her where I was before work. I come to find out she just lost her son too. He was 64 and passed from Cancer. We shared our sons stories, talked about faith and prayed for healing. We both agreed no parent should ever bury a child, no matter how old they are.

I was lucky to meet her family the next night and spent a long time talking to them. They asked so many questions about Nolan and his short life. They then shared a story from their family that is so similar to mine. They had me go get pictures of Nolan and I even shared my rosary that a friend had made more me that has Nolan's initials and dates on.

This women gave me strength that night, was never expecting to find it from a patient. But her deep faith, wisdom and caring words really put me at ease on Monday night. I made sure I told her that last night when I left. I pray she gets better and gets to go home any day now. I hope she is home and well when I come back on Saturday.

One down, Few more to go

Halloween was awful. No way to sugar coat it, it was just plain awful. I wasn't even expecting it to be as bad as it was. The plans I made to distract me fell through so I found myself with Valorie going trick o treating with her and the boys. It sounds so simple and harmless but it wasn't. Strollers and infants dressed up walking right in front of us. Grrrr. The only thing that got me through the night was reminding myself that next year I WILL be walking with a stroller or a dressed up belly. I have to stay positive, right?

I can't believe we are approaching 5 months. 5 months we have been with out Nolan. Time has passed faster than I imagined and I am A-OK with that. These past few months have not been very pleasant needless to say. I lost Nolan, got behind in finances due to being out of work, Dad, Valorie, Cyrus and losing a few very close friends who failed to let me grieve or made me feel guilty about it. All of it makes me so sad.

But in the wake of everything, I have had a lot of good things happen to us that I should be thankful for. A lot of these get overshadowed by the overwhelming loss of Nolan and I need to address them. I have met many new people in the past few months- some that I never would have met if Chris never dragged me out of the house those nights. Some here in Ft Myers and some online. We just started meeting new people and sometimes it was easier to hang out with them because it was just something 'new'. I was able to talk all about Nolan, and these friends have been absolutely amazing and continue to ask about him or share his story. I love it.


I am so excited and so thankful that we are going to Epcot this week to meet a very close friend that I have been friends with for over 2 years and never met in person (lol...crazy huh) We met while planning our weddings off of this online wedding board and have talked everyday since then. So Chris and I are driving up to Orlando to hang out with Reilly & her Husband for Food & Wine @ Epcot.

Then 3 weeks from tomorrow, we will be sailing away on the Ruby Princess for 10 days. We NEED to get away and relax with everything that has happened recently. Of course in retrospect, we shouldn't be going since if Nolan was here, we would be waiting to take him on his first cruise and wait until 2010. But, we are going for Nolan. This cruise is in honor of our little man and I promise to enjoy every second for him.

Only a few days after getting back from that, we have to fly to Cincy for my Dads Open Heart. We did book a nice hotel downtown for 2 of the nights over our anniversary (a few days after the actual surgery). I know my Dad feels bad we are there over our anniversary and this is what he would want us to do. Go out and have a nice dinner just to escape from the hospital. But at least our hotel is close to UC and Dad should be doing better by then. Lets hope, right? I have 100% confidence that Dad is going to do GREAT. I don't care how BIG and RISKY this surgery is, I have hope, something that has been absent in my life lately. He is in better shape than he was 7 weeks ago when he almost had the emergent surgery. So yes, I even purchased our tickets back home, because I know he will be ready to either be discharged or he will be doing just fine enough for us to leave.

Wow, this is a long blog. I guess I have a lot on my mind. Sometimes I don't always write when the positive things are happening because quite frankly I am out trying to enjoy the moment when I have them. I do write a lot when I am upset or stuff is on my mind because to me, it's my therapy. Trust me, I am never looking for pity...just sharing my thoughts.

We are going to the luminary service tonight tonight at church. I am sure it is going to be absolutely beautiful and I am sure there will be a few tears shed. My Mom and I redecorated his flowers and his spot just for the service. I had to make sure it looked all nice and new. I even made a new laminated picture of him to replace his old one with.

Why do I have a laminated picture of him attached to his flowers you may ask? Well it started at his funeral. Valorie made it for me and I didn't have the heart to take it home after the service. I just wanted to leave his perfect picture with him. It was easier when we went to visit him, because I liked looking at his picture when I prayed to him or talked to him. I don't have years of memories that I can reflect on like you do when you lose an elder or adult. I have 2.5 short days, and for most of that I was high on pain meds and the memories get cloudy to me. So for me, it's easier to see his little face look at me when I talk to him. This is what I made...
This picture just shows how truely small he was. Unless you met him in person, like the few people that got to, it hard to realize how small he was. The nurses hands in the picures really do show you though.

God he was so perfect, everything about him... EVERYTHING. And as a stranger wrote to me today..
" You will never get over this, time doesn't heal like they all say or want, how can it when you lose something you loved more than yourself"

Ahoy.

I remember when my best friend Val had these made. I squealed in excitement when I saw them for the first time. (Yes I know I am addicted to anything nautical) I actually had a blog post saved in a draft to share this with you back in May. But then with all of Nolan's scares, we put the shower off and I decided not to share the invite at that time. Gosh, never did I expect to deliver Nolan a week before my baby shower was suppose to be.

Anyways, I just wanted to share with you how PERFECT his baby shower invites were.

So if I ever get anywhere near as far to have a bay shower in the future. I think I will decline and wait and have a 'Welcome Home Baby' party instead.

Mail Day

Thank you Huggies, Gerber & Enfamil for sending me your stupid coupons, congratulation cards and constant reminders of your new products. Oh and don't forget stupid Babies R Us and their daily junk mail. Why don't these places have an "emergency cancel" option for Mom's like us. I just don't get it. I have cancelled anything I had signed up for, but of course it still finds it's way to our mailbox. The ones I hate are the ones that say, congrats on your recent baby who is now 2 months old!

STOP, please just STOP! I hate checking them mailbox now. I can seriously go for days and not check it. It drives Chris nuts, but it gives me too much anxiety.

On top of this, I got more medical bills in the mail and new ones at that. Yup, the amniocentesis bill FINALLY showed up. For awhile there I thought we got luck and insurance covered most of it. Boy do I have that wrong. The bill is bigger than my C-section co-pay!

I am just SO OVER this nightmare and ready for it to be over.

Memorial Garden visits

So Chris and I took a bike ride to visit Nolan 2 days ago. We do it often, but this was the first time we have done it in a few weeks. Yup, its 8 miles there so that gives us a total of 16 full miles that I am huffing and puffing through. The only way I make it is because I know that the half way point is visiting Nolan. But by time I get there, you find me looking like this. It kills me that I am exercising and laying in front of my baby's resting spot, but it's something I am learning to live with. You would think I would be at a park laying on a blanket or running with him in a jogging stroller (Well, okay... maybe that's pushing it) but we aren't.
While we were at the church we stopped in to see the progress on Nolan's Guardian Angel statue and infant memorial area for the garden. I am happy to announce that Nolan's statue is in. It's so beautiful, I thank EVERYONE who contributed to something that means so much to us. They are waiting for the stand to come in. Then she showed me the plans that have drawn up for the garden and area around the statue and it's absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to see it all done. I PROMISE to update you guys as soon as I know when they will do the blessing and everything so if you want to come, you can.

Also, they informed us of a All Souls Day-Litany of the Saints service that they are holding out in the Memorial Garden on Nov 2nd at 7pm. It's going to be a mass outside with luminary candles and such in memory of all those laid to rest with Nolan in the garden. So we will definitely be attending that.

Look, as I was cleaning and re-organizing our kitchen... I put all the cards we received in the past few months in a box and was amazed at how many there were. Sure, I knew there was a lot...but WOW... when you see them all together it's pretty amazing. I make it a goal of mine to go back and read through each and everyone of them at some point in the future. Back in June & July a lot of the messages sent just kind of blurred together so I would like to go back and reread them. I hope to do this by Nolan's first birthday.
I am still real down about the upcoming holidays that I talked about in my last post. It's something that I am learning all baby loss mom's and familes experience. I guess it's just a hard time of year for all us. I hope friends and family understand our feelings and emotions at this time of year. God bless.

Holidays

They say the year of "firsts" is the worst. I hadn't put much thought to it until last night and sure enough, the tears came once again. The whole Halloween thing has been bothering me lately. Everything about it...costumes in the stores, friends kids dressing up, baby filled pumpkin patches and a lot more. I am just not excited about it. I should be walking a stroller with all my friends with a dressed up little Nolan while their kids run door to door trick o treating. I was so excited for this especially since I had Nolan's first Halloween off from work, so I knew I would be able to attend this year. Well obviously, now it is the last thing I want to do.

Chris is driving to Tallahassee to visit his best friend and go to a Halloween party too, I was planning on tagging along but my spirits are just down and I think I would be better off staying home and hanging out with my Mom who will be in town for her last night. At this rate, I much rather be working... imagine that.

As for Thanksgiving.. well it's not bothering me too much since #1 we haven't had a big TG in the past few years anyways and #2 we happen to be booked for a cruise over TG this year. We didn't do this on purpose, I didn't even realize it when I booked the dates. So I guess this year will be spent sailing the seas and looking out in the horizon wondering how far my little Nolan really is.

Christmas, honestly.... how about you let me sleep through it. Chris is working both Eve & Christmas so not only will we not have Nolan here for his first Christmas, my family is not all here yet. I am hoping I get scheduled to work both just so I don't have to sit in my house or at my Aunt's in tears staring at an X-mas tree that Nolan should be sitting near and getting pictures.

Call me crazy, but I do think about these things. I would go to midnight mass, but once again, I'll be alone since Chris is working. I usually put up our Xmas tree early every year because I get bored at night and it's usually up before TG. This year we had planned on getting a real tree, since it was Chris' tradition growing up and he wanted to do it for Nolan's first Christmas. But in all honestly, I have no desire to even put up the fake one.. not even lights. This is SO not me. Bah-humbug.

The ONLY and ONE "holiday" I was looking forward to was New Year's Eve. I was pregnant last year and worked that night and celebrated with my coworkers. We actually found out the day before Dec 30th we were pregnant. Not sure why I am looking forward to this years, maybe because it's an adult type holiday, one we would leave Nolan with my parents for the night maybe but 99% of the reason is celebrating kissing 2009 GOODBYE. 2009 has been absolute HELL for us, my family and my best friend. I think I only enjoyed Jan-May 7th (happy pregnancy days) and June8-10th (Nolan was with us).

Other than that... I wish I could erase the rest out of my mind.
A rough pregnancy with Nolan
Losing Nolan
Dad loses Job
Dad gets very sick and needs open heart
Valorie finds out Cyrus needs Open Heart (His story here)
A week before Cyrus open heart, she gets appendicitis and has surgery. ....

I would normally say it can't get any worse, but I stopped saying that. Dad hasn't even had his surgery yet, we still have jobs and are "healthy" so I hope it stays that way. I'm just bumming because I found out I will be working on New Years Eve. It's just something I have to accept, too many people want it off for me to have it off, but I wish I could pay someone a million dollars to work for me. Then Val and I could still have our kiss 2009 goodbye NYE party. We had so many good ideas.

So now I am in the process of convincing everyone to have a change in plans and have a Welcome 2010 Party on January 1st 2010. Maybe that will be a better idea, now I need to convince ALL my friends to participate and work NYE with me so we can all have New Years Day off (we all work one or the other at work).

So who thinks it's a good idea to change our party plans? Who's in?