Strength.

Strength [strengkth, strength]
- noun 1. the quality or state of being strong 2. intensity 3. force in numbers 4. strong or valuable quality


I am not strong because I lost a baby, nor am I strong because I grieved. I am not strong because I put one foot in front of the other to survive each day. It was pure choice to either live or die. Strength in my mind had no play in that. It was simply what I had to do- live. Go through the motions, grieve and find that "new normal"


Over the past 2.5 years I have heard over and over again how strong I am. I'm convinced it's what people say when they see your survival. I don't feel that strength that others seem to see when they look at me. I'm just an ordinary girl who had some pretty shitty things happen to. I burrowed into my new normal, picked up the broken pieces and nestled into my new home of my so called life.


Until last night, I'd fight you to say your wrong if you called me strong. I survived.


But last night I did something. Something that I was unsure if I'd ever be able to do since the day those dreams were broken.


Dreams that got put on the side burner since the night we watched Nolan code in front of our very eyes. The images of compressions being done on Nolan in his issolette, the entire NICU staff surrounding his bed, the ocillator being brought into the room in attempts at a last chance effort. But I'll never forget that moment. The moment it was all over and the crowd slowly left the side of the issolette while Chris and I held our lifeless baby in our arms in pure shock.
The smell, the atmosphere, the moment has been etched in my head to this day. His spot in a room full of babies, right next to a door in the back corner.


But last night I took the first step in following my broken dream of becoming a NICU therapist.


Last night I was strong.
Last night I shadowed a dear friend on her shift in the NICU. I wanted to feel it out, see if I was ready: my heart was saying yes.
It wasn't my first visit back to the NICU but it was my first back into the corner Nolan was. But I surprised myself, instead of anxiety- I felt strength. Yes strength. Actually I walked past that spot many of times through the night.


And at one point, I found myself sitting and looking at his corner, right through that very door they brought us in when we were rushed up to the NICU. I didn't find myself mad or upset, instead I felt pure strength.

I may have been on the journey to be a NICU therapist long before Nolan was ever an inkling on our mind, but at that very moment I knew that my dream and goal were once again possible.




Not only that, I had hands on care with some of the babies. I saw equipment, heard the same noises and oddly enough felt like I belonged. As I did 2.5 years ago when my plan to become a NICU therapist was put on hold.


I had an amazing night. I proved to myself that I am strong. I did things last night that at one time in my grief journey I thought would be near impossible.


I can do this.


Walking out of the hospital this morning I felt on top of the world. It was what I needed.


So I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry when I got in my car. Ok the water works poured out.
But funny thing was it wasn't sad tears, it was thankful tears that I was able to do it. I'm going to follow my heart. I know I my heart is ready and I am going to be a NICU therapist, finally.

6.7lbs

SO I survived my first week of WW, although this is not first rodeo with WW. I forgot how much I loved this diet. Shoot, I barely consider it a diet because it's THAT easy. So here's the down low...

 1. Get off your arse and get to a meeting. This will be the hardest step. At least it was for me, I blame procrastination and nerves. You don't even have to pre-register, just GO! that's right, march your soon to be little butt in there and own that scale. It will be the best thing you do for yourself this year yet. (granted we are only 12 days into the year)

2. Be ready to step on the scale and meet your enemy. 185. Yup. That's what I weighed in last week. Although, I told the lady I didn't want to know my number at my first weigh in. It was more of a psychologicall thing for me given I knew I gained weight in December (ahem 12lbs!). I didn't want to feel like I was battling uphill to get to where I WAS just 2 short months ago (173). She understood and reassured me it's normal. She wrote the wretched little number down in my book, closed it and handed it back. Phew.
Oh and I learned my Points Plus Value is 29.

3. 29? Yes. I get 29 points day to divide up and eat how I want. Each food, drink and sauce is calculated into a point value. So I can decide to eat a BigMac for 14points and waste half my day, or chose to eat grilled chicken sandwich with whole wheat bread from Chick-Fil-a for 7 points. Ummm... Chick-Fil-A please. Best part yet, veggies and fruit are ZERO points, yes zero!

My day looks like this.

I am able to track this all on my iphone app and even better yet- I have an app that scans barcodes and gives you point values. Hello awesome!

Favorite Go-To Foods this week include:
D Lites Sandwiches for the afternoons I am running out the door to work: 7pts
Sliced Cucumbers & Carrots: 0 points
Smart Ones freezer meals: varies in 5-10pts
Fiber One Bars: 2pts
Yogurt: 2-3pts

Pigs in a Blanket: 5pts

I eat breaskfast, lunch and dinner and have enough points for good tasting snacks and deserts. I am not even deprived of my Diet Coke, although I have cut down on my intake. for now at least.

4. Get active.
I chose to go with the Couch 2 5K app on my phone, it's a good 30 or so workout in running/jogging & walking intervals. Chris and I have been doing it together and it actually gives us something to do other than our usual. Such as this weekend we ran at the park with CC, spent some time on the swings afterwadrs and the baby loved it. Win win for us all.

I also bought a pedameter because with all the walking I do at work around the hospital, I knew I had to be putting in over a mile. The past 2 nights, I have burned a good 2 miles each night on those tile floors. SCORE. Which also gave me two extra points to add to my total for the day.


Sounds too good to be true but they say if you follow the plan, you will lose. Skeptical? Yea I was too.

But then the weight loss Gods sang to me when I stepped up on the scale this week for week 2, hoping and praying for a loss and gosh darnit....

6.7lbs!!

Holy pancakes! I feel like I ate like a Queen- ok minus the Chris' nachos I turned down at lunch Sunday. But seriously- through out the week I splurged on oatmeal cookies, Dominos Pizza and even had my Starbucks a few times.

This is SO easy! I would love to hear from you if you are also doing WW. My group leader said it best "This is so much easier to do with someone else" and it's the truth. My friend Sara and I are doing ot together and we keep eachother in check and it's fun to watch eachothers progress.

Now lets just hope next weeks update is just as positive.  I may just throw the scale across the room if  I gain it all back. Then you'll find me here cursing everything I just said.

Until next week..... here's to becoming a modern day MILF one point at a time.

pizza, ice cream and crap even beer!

I forgot how much I loved this diet. Shoot, I barely consider it a diet because it's THAT easy. So here's the down low...

 

  1. Get off your arse and get to a meeting. This will be the hardest step. At least it was for me, I blame procrastination and nerves. You don't even have to pre-register, just GO! that's right, march your soon to be little butt in there and own that scale. It will be the best thing you do for yourself this year yet. (granted we are only 12 days into the year)

2. Be ready to step on the scale and meet your enemy. 185. Yup. That's what I weighed in last week. Although, I told the lady I didn't want to know my number at my first weigh in. It was more of a psychologicall thing for me given I knew I gained weight in December (ahem 12lbs!). I didn't want to feel like I was battling uphill to get to where I WAS just 2 short months ago (173). She understood and reassured me it's normal. She wrote the wretched little number down in my book, closed it and handed it back. Phew.
Oh and I learned my Points Plus Value is 29.

3. 29? Yes. I get 29 points day to divide up and eat how I want. Each food, drink and sauce is calculated into a point value. So I can decide to eat a BigMac for 14points and waste half my day, or chose to eat grilled chicken sandwich with whole wheat bread from Chick-Fil-a for 7 points. Ummm... Chick-Fil-A please. Best part yet, veggies and fruit are ZERO points, yes zero!

My day looks like this.

 

 

 

 

 
 
 

I am able to track this all on my iphone app and even better yet- I have an app that scans barcodes and gives you point values. Hello awesome!

 
Favorite Go-To Foods this week include: 
D Lites Sandwiches for the afternoons I am running out the door to work: 7pts
Sliced Cucumbers & Carrots: 0 points
Smart Ones freezer meals: varies in 5-10pts
Fiber One Bars: 2pts
Yogurt: 2-3pts

Pigs in a Blanket: 5pts

 
I eat breaskfast, lunch and dinner and have enough points for good tasting snacks and deserts. I am not even deprived of my Diet Coke, although I have cut down on my intake. for now at least.

4. Get active.
I chose to go with the Couch 2 5K app on my phone, it's a good 30 or so workout in running/jogging & walking intervals. Chris and I have been doing it together and it actually gives us something to do other than our usual. Such as this weekend we ran at the park with CC, spent some time on the swings afterwadrs and the baby loved it. Win win for us all.

I also bought a pedameter because with all the walking I do at work around the hospital, I knew I had to be putting in over a mile. The past 2 nights, I have burned a good 2 miles each night on those tile floors. SCORE. Which also gave me two extra points to add to my total for the day.


Sounds too good to be true but they say if you follow the plan, you will lose. Skeptical? Yea I was too.

But then the weight loss Gods sang to me when I stepped up on the scale this week for week 2, hoping and praying for a loss and gosh darnit....

6.7lbs!!

 

 

Holy pancakes! I feel like I ate like a Queen- ok minus the Chris' nachos I turned down at lunch Sunday. But seriously- through out the week I splurged on oatmeal cookies, Dominos Pizza and even had my Starbucks a few times.

This is SO easy! I would love to hear from you if you are also doing WW. My group leader said it best "This is so much easier to do with someone else" and it's the truth. My friend Sara and I are doing ot together and we keep eachother in check and it's fun to watch eachothers progress.

Now lets just hope next weeks update is just as positive.  I may just throw the scale across the room if  I gain it all back. Then you'll find me here cursing everything I just said.

Until next week..... here's to becoming a modern day MILF one point at a time.