Crashing down

I feel like the world as I used to know it is crashing down. I sit here and have so many thoughts racing through my head. Once again, the grief comes when you least expect it and it floods my brain with so many emotions. I'm sure the hype of the Duggar special started all these emotions. I just started thinking about 'our story' and all the emotions that came with that day.

I'm sick of grief, I am sick of feeling like something is constantly being dangled over my head. I am so tired of waking up and remember what my new normal is. I am exhausted from thinking what Nolan would look like or being doing right now. I wonder what Chris' and I routine would be. Just sick of wondering. I want to be experiencing!!!

I'm so tired of feeling like I need to keep the strong face. I am barely hanging on most days, but society wants to see that I am moving on and being strong. Geesh, all my readers even say how strong I am and I try to hold that and lie to myself that I am, but I really am not. I'm not.

Want to know what else I am so tired of?
Sad music. Half these songs I never would have known of if we never lost Nolan. But now that's my comfort. I would so much rather be listening to lullaby's and nursery rhymes.

I am sick of wondering when it will be our time to enjoy and have a family at home. It consumes my thoughts if we will ever get there. I shouldn't even have these, Nolan should be home with us. It's not the getting pregnant part, it's the 'nourishing' the baby while it's in my stomache will it ever make it to 36 weeks part. It's exhausting to think of.

I am sad that I avoid listening to Nolan's song at all costs to avoid the emotion. I can't even watch his video on my sidebar because I am so afraid of that breakdown. I should be watching his video all the time, its the only memory I have.

I'm so over avoiding other babies, but until we have our own in our arms, it will be that way. I hate it.
I'm so tired of feeling like the elephant in the room at work. I am tired of being "that girl" that lost her baby" I want to be happy like all my other friends with babies.
I'm sick of feeling jealous of what we don't have.

I'm sad that I have not gone back to visit Nolan since that one day last week. I am so afraid to go back and see no flowers, no life and no color at his site that I know I will fall into more tears if I go. What the hell is wrong with me? I just remind myself that MAYBE the church is getting ready to set up the statue and everything that we had arranged but I still haven't called to confirm.

I miss Nolan. I can't even put into words what this feels like. I look at his pictures and dammit, he was so perfect. Why him? Why us? He was a perfectly formed baby, I grew him- it's just amazing.

I am just so tired of grief. Tired of it being part of my life and every time I think I am feeling a little better, it shows up in odd ways. I'm so tired of feeling left behind and left out.

I'm going to go finish crying myself a river and get it all out for the time being. I tried to write it out because it usually helps, but tonight... I'm only half way there.

Flowers

I'm stuck.
Trying to decide on the perfect flowers for Nolan for the season and I can't think of any. I am sure your thinking any flower arrangement will work, so why are you stressing over it. Right?

I don't blame you, I think it's my way of being his Mom. I guess you can compare it to finding the perfect nursery or the best Halloween costume or maybe even that perfect outfit for a certain occasion. But I am left to flowers- flowers to put at my baby's grave. So yes, in my mind- I want them perfect and meaningful. He only deserves flowers made from our hearts. So what would be good?...

It looks like I will be craft store hopping today to collect all the perfect things for this months flowers. I'm thinking a white winter theme since it seems to be snowing everywhere but Florida. I think Nolan would like those.

I can't believe I am writing a post about putting flowers at my baby's grave, still just seems so surreal to me. As I said, just one of those 'holy cow this is my life' moments.

On the other hand, the lady at McDonalds last night asked if I had any children. I just smiled and nodded and thought...
"Yes, yes I do"
It was just one of those moments and I felt like a Mom, I love those moments. So simple, but so meaningful.