I lost his birth weight

That's right, I lost the weight of CC by an ounce. One week in- and I lost 5.2 lbs!!! 

In all honesty, this diet isn't so bad considering I was expecting cardboard. I would actually eat a lot of these meals on a regular basis. I stepped on the scale this morning and was pleasantly surprised with the 191.4 that flashed back at me. It made every bit of the past week worth it. 
I'd be lying if I said I didn't go down and get 2 heaping spoonfuls of peanut butter to celebrate. HA!
Things I have learned so far:


I love breakfast! I usually go for the cereal with milk and bananas on top. Then I save my protein for a snack and hour later.


Lunch I make a decent sized salad and I have recently fallen in love with low fat Raspberry Vinaigrette. YUM!! Then I have my NS lunch entree, the graham chocolate bar is DIVINE!


My snack is usually string cheese and an apple. I know- pretty boring but tasty.


And dinner I have my NS entree, haven't found one I hate yet. I LOVE sauteing zucchini and squash with garlic and seasoning. That and warm spinach salad is amazing. 


I think I miss snacking the most. I have realized over this past week that I am a bored snack er and if that wasn't a recipe for disaster, you should have seen my portion sizes. Ouch. Guess that's how I gained a lot of this weight to begin with.


I can survive without wine with a bath and a substitute a diet coke, but it's not the same.


Night shift dieting is a challenge, especially when you work 12 hours shifts- meaning you only work 3 nights. Your constantly switching back and forth between days and nights, sometimes up for 24 hours. I'm still figuring this out, so when I do- I'll share.


I have also made an attempt to exercise at least 3 times a week. Tonight I even took a run to visit Nolan, yet I have found out that running in our neighborhood around dinner time is torture. Just go ahead and hang the juicy bubba burger and potato salad in front of me and dangle it on a fishing pole why don't you. The smells coming from each house just filtered into the streets. AHHHHH! I'd kill to have a big fat juicy burger! 

So for dinner tonight, I had the Grilled Burger. It kind of reminded me of the cafeteria burgers from grade school but it wasn't bad at all for what it is. I used some Laughing Cow Blue Cheese and added my veggies. 

It's all about portion sizes and eating the right foods. So far so good. No complaints, as I lost 5+ lbs and Chris lost 14. Not too shabby! So cheers to next week (holds up my diet coke with lime) in hopes I lose some more.


And when did this monster grow? I can barely remember the days he had no things and he was just a speck in the bassinet. Now he's almost grown out of it. 

 When did this happen!!!!?

196.6 in numbers

10 years in 2 years. I stumbled across some picture DVDs yesterday and uploaded them to find pictures of 2007 & 2008. Those 2 years where some of my fondest memories. 2007 brought on my first home, my first grown-up purchase, an engagement, a part time job teaching for the college, and my brother even lived with us while going to RT school. We had cookouts, parties, karaoke gigs, Christmas with not only family but all our friends. 2008 we got to plan and have our dream wedding, travel all over and at that time, everything seemed to be right on track. Perfect. Even my gosh darn wedding dress was perfect.

First Day as Clinical Associates

Engaged! Finally! In St Johns!!

Happy Family

Travels

I was skinny (although I begged to differ at the time), my hair looked healthy, my smile was genuine and most of all, I had no burden. Nothing holding me back, nothing on the back of my mind constantly. Nothing that could break me, because in my little world: I was on top. I was in the "it can't happen to me" mindset.



Fast forward to 2009, specifically the summer. I was tired of the grief, overwhelmed with the anxiety, ate my way through my feelings. I felt like I drowned in my own sorrow and self pity. I felt knocked down to nothing. Everything that once made me happy before was just a mere nothing now. All I wanted was the dream and vision that was suppose to be. Our Nolan.



The next year took a toll on me, I restarted a pregnancy, began to pick up the pieces, started to revise our dream. Then July 13th happened. It happened in a second. A tiny little second while my brother was driving to work, just as I was doing the same. I find out he never made it to work.

At that moment, grief struck. It struck in a different way. I became the "strong" one. The one who knew it was in my best health to hold it together, knowing I could grieve this one later. I still felt every part, I just chose not to hyper focus on it. I couldn't, I needed to be there for my mom and dad. I needed to show them strength. The LAST thing they needed was to worry about me and my pregnancy.

Then September hit, multiple hospital admissions making this pregnancy just as high risk as my last. My amazing and ever loving OB new it was in our best interest to take me out of work. It was the best decision she made besides the Lovenox injections.

October came, Grandpa passed unexpectedly after a routine surgery. Since it happened at my hospital, I was part of some of the behind the scenes while he was crashing. Once again, memories come flying back from the night we watched Nolan code.

Grief. It started to seem part of my life as if it where normal. It was heartbreaking that death was part of my everyday life just as it was at work.

3 days after I had CC, I was on a high. Nothing could bring me down. Our life felt as close to normal as possible. Our dream came true, just in a bittersweet way. I was starting my maternity leave and I was determined to enjoy every second. That was, until I got the call that my position at work had to be filled and I would most likely not be returning to my home. My job of 5 years with those who held my hand the past year. I was absolutely devastated.
Yes, I found a new position with in our system with the help of some pretty amazing & caring people. It took a lot of courage to start new right off maternity leave. It was a brand new beginning. I embraced it and owned it and now I count my blessings with how happy I am.

New baby, new job, new home, new friends. But I still look so tired and run down. No drug or pill can fix it. No photo editing can help this look.

Who would think that 2 years later, my son and these 2 would be in Heaven together.

I look healthy, awake, skinny, skin was glowing. My eyes screamed FUN. I was fun!

2011
Grief has caught up in every way. I'm tired all the time. I should start using concealer on my eyes (I don't wear make-up everyday- but should start). My weight... Oh god my weight. My skin is a mess and my wrinkles on my eyes have got to be from the gallons of tears I've cried the past 2 years.

So after seeing these pictures, I decided to take ownership. I want my old self back, and since that's impossible to return to that state of mind, I'll start on the physical aspect. Because emotionally, you are forever changed.

This past Monday, May 16th I stepped on my scale for my first Nutrisystem weigh-in. That's right Nutrisystem. (thanks BA, I heart you)

I need my body & health back. I need to start somewhere. I find every excuse in the book to eat awful. I'm too busy to cook healthy (oh please, I only work 3 nights a week), and who has time to cook before heading to work at 5:30pm? Yes, lame excuses but I need stomp these habits, start somewhere.

At our wedding, I weighed 155. I worked hard all year on Weight Watchers to rock that kick ass dress and I did it.
And with Nolan I gained A LOT of weight towards the end. I went up to 192 just in 26 weeks. (damn you preeclampsia)

I lost a good chunk, made it back to 167-170 again before getting pregnant again.

But between a subsequent pregnancy and grief sandwiched between, I was bound to gain weight.

So here I am, 5.5 months since giving birth, losing my brother, uncle & Grandpa, technically my job... And

I weigh

196.6

(typing that was hard. Real hard. But I need to be accountable) BUT every single pound, every ounce was worth this little man of ours. It's not that I am beating myself up for my weight in numbers, I am fully aware I have been through a lot and I could be way worse. I just want to feel some control and this is my start.

Chris and I started the diet with intentions of learning a new healthy way to eat. We need it especially after moving into the new house in the middle of "fast food meca". We need to stop choosing convenience over health. And this is why Nutrisystem will work for us. It takes the thinking out of it, which I already do enough of...

My goal is to look healthy and happy again. Not look like I aged 10 years, maybe just 5 years. I am sure I am over reacting, but it's true to a point. It's time to start healing in every aspect physically and mentally. I can do this, especially if I survived all that I have and I am still standing. So far.

Most unflattering picture of 196.6lbs. ha!

So here is to a new diet (raises water bottle- Grrr I miss wine) and healthy mind, body and spirit.