Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Heavy Heart for Tampa

I debated and thought about how much I wanted to blog this but really didn't know how to sort my thoughts. It is REALLY bothering me, not only because Chris is an officer but the tragedy in general is weighing very heavy on my heart. It can happen to any officer on any call in any city or town. I just can't imagine living my life without Chris.

I then found this on one of my favorite blogs today and I couldn't have said it any better myself and wanted to share.

Many prayers are being said for the families, the children, the police dept and everyone affected. A little piece of the community died today and it is just heartbreaking.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Today & This Week

I knew it was coming, I felt it building up and now today I can't seem to kick the things that are irratating the crap out of me

Today I am upset that I know what grieving a child is like.
Today I am angry that Nolan's NICU stay didn't have a happy ending. The new NICU show on Discovery Health commercial is getting me every time it comes on. That damn songs lyrics don't apply to me, so I get angry.
Today I cry because I mourn never doing certain things with Nolan
This week I am overly emotional to the fact that I can't pull out the box that has my old maternity clothes because all of Nolans clothes, bedding and stuff is also in there. Maybe it's better that I just get some new stuff instead.

Today, I am overly frustrated with my sleep schedule when I work. I am too tired to stay awake the nights before I work so I can sleep. I pass out at 8pm and am wide awake the whole next day. Tonight, I am going to work despite NO sleep and numerous unsuccessful attempts to nap. But I know that as 8pm rolls around, I'll be fighting to stay awake. I need to get off this schedule, I don't remember being as tired last time. I don't care how tired I am, it means baby is growing but this schedule is NOT helping.

This week, I am irratated I caved in and gave up Facebook. I miss it in some ways and know it won't be too long before I find myself back in the grind. Im actually surprised it didn't happen sooner. But this month was hard- REAL hard. Just in Nolan's week alone...3 babies were born healthy(praise the lord) but for me it was just too much to see on everyones updates and such. I felt so alone and could feel the stress set in- so I removed myself. I know it sounds so stupid, BUT since being away from FB I feel better for the time being. Of course I miss the stalking and random inside jokes, but in time I will be back at it full force. lol.

This week, I am feeling hopeless about my MFM and I know they need to be included in the equation. If it was up to me, I would stick with just my OB because she is simply awesome. But I know that my status is too dangerous and high risk for that. I wish Nashville was clo
ser so I could see her best friend who is an MFM.

June is almost over. I survived but with a lot of ups and downs. Many I didn't even blog about. I am just thankful it is over and I feel a little sense of relief like I can fully focus on this pregnancy. Not that I didn't before, but I lived in grief. As long as the good news keeps coming on this baby's growth, I can attempt to remain positive.

So for now, I will just live my life week by week and ultrasound to ultrasound every 2 weeks. I will thank my lucky stars every time we get to hear/see a heartbeat and get good news on growth. And as much as I hate not having Nolan here, I have to remind myself that we have a very special angel watching over this blessing.

Dont mind the crappy iphone pic, but we all thought it was funny it looks like the baby is talking on a phone. This scan was at 13 weeks, measuring 13.4.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Nolan's Balloon

I was catching up on my reader tonight and my heart skipped a beat when I saw this. Holly released balloons for all the June babies for their birthdays. So simple yet so meaningful to us Moms. A lot of these Moms I have been on this journey with because last June is when we all hopped on this ride but at least we found each other.

Thank you Holly, you really made my night. That even weeks after Nolan's birthday someone reminded me that they thought of the lil guy. THANK YOU!

Boston Med

My new favorite show.
Real Doctors, nurses, RT's, real hospital and real stories. I just watched last nights show and thought it was awesome. Maybe it's because I have hospital envy and wish I could work in such a huge hospital like that. I would eat up that experience in a heartbeat. I mean I feel like I am at work while I am watching it, but in a way cooler hospital. Mines cool, but come on... Mass Gen and Boston Childrens?! I would die to work there! Anywho, I found my self wiping tears away many times, why I don't know but it had some pretty powerful stories.

But next week, watch this...

One of my dearest closest friends in this grief journey traveled to this EXACT hospital with her heart baby Eli. Her little Eli's short life was started & spent at this very hospital and next week is going to be such a powerful week to watch. I encourage you all to watch this series. Say a little prayer for my friend, J and think of her precious angel. He was in the absolute BEST care and I am excited to watch the very same people that took care of him save another heart baby.
I love you J!

I love this show & it makes me want to move to Boston and work there.

Thursday, June 24, 2010


As of today at 13 weeks, I am halfway there.

26 weeks is when I came down with preeclampsia and delivered Nolan.

I’m not so sure what to think about it. I am hoping to get further than 26 weeks, I like to pretend I’ll have an normal pregnancy but the reality is it can happen at anytime.

Actually, I just want to have a non-IUGR baby make it to 24 weeks. That baby would already be bigger than our little guy Nolan. I think the next few scans are the most crucial for us. It will tell us if we are heading in a similar direction that we did with Nolan.


Every week is a week closer. Hopefully 18 weeks is my true halfway mark considering I am c-sectioned at 36 weeks. Lets hope and pray I breeze through 2nd trimester since I never made it out of 2nd tri last time. It sure would be nice to see 3rd trimester this time.

It just makes me wonder, when? When will be my halfway?

On a brighter note, I have another ultrasound this morning. It’s the 2nd of the week and I am not complaining. I have to look on the bright side of being high risk, lots and lots of peeks at this baby.

Todays Thoughts

Today I am pregnant and I am thankful and love our new baby.
Today I have a baby growing ahead of schedule and that makes me smile.
Today I am starting to look at things a little more positive. (Well at least at this very moment)
Today, I in visioned what it will be like having a normal birth, room full of visitors passing around our baby and no NICU stay.
Today I wonder if this little one is a boy or girl and I get excited thinking about it.

Today I am just thankful I feel happy.
Today the nerves are set aside and I remember that I am thankful things are heading in the right direction. (for now)
Today I also understand how high risk I am and I am going to enjoy every second I get trying to have a naive blissful pregnancy. (May it be while only for the few minutes I write this post)

But tomorrow can be a whole new story. But I wanted to write this out so I can come back and read how I feel when things just seem right.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I have had lots of things going on. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I made a tough decision at work this week to leave night shift temporarily and go to a mid shift. I have been a night shifter for years now and it's something I love. I love the freedom, I love having Dr's trust at 3am when we call them, I love the people and love the money. But it was starting to be too much for this pregnancy to handle. I wasn't eating right, my sleep schedules were way off which usually is nothing, personality differences added stress and I have to treat this pregnancy different. I am losing money but at this rate, my health is over any extra money I can make. It's time for me to be selfish and I know this is not forever. I'll miss having my own assignments, because now instead I am a float to all the other therapist but it will be a much needed break on myself. In time, after we get a nice big baby home and safe, I can return to nights and maybe be weaned into the NICU. But right now, this is what is healthy for me and I am pretty darn excited about it.

Emotionally I am hanging in there, I met a girl who I have known for awhile but I feel God brought her into my life now. She is a beautiful, loving, lost young women. I have known her for a few years now but her story hits home a lot closer since losing Nolan. She too also lost a baby at 23 days old in the NICU. A beautiful baby girl named Nadia. I have spent so much time talking to her the past 2 weeks about grieving, hope, praying. This girl lost everything after she lost her baby, her house, her job, her husband...everything. She had some friends who weren't the greatest of influences and has now been battling a drug habit because it was how she self medicated at the time. Now she is working on becoming clean, facing the grief and moving her life forward. I gave her a copy of "I Will Carry You" and she said she already started it. I told her I was here for her to listen and help her the best I could. I connected her with a wonderful therapist that helped me. So I am hoping and praying that I get to watch her grow back into herself and get healthy. I told her something that a very special someone told me,

"You can grieve how ever you want to and don't let others tell you how to grieve- it's a personal journey, but as long as you are not hurting yourself"

I just want to help her, I want her to have the support and resources I had. I want to see her genuinely smile again. I know you can do it D! I have so much faith in you!

We had our first appointment with MFM yesterday. I was nervous and hopeful for it. I will always see them as the "bad news Dr" given the fact they told me Nolan was sick and would die in utero, and to go home and grieve. (nice huh)

So I wasn't sure what to expect yesterday. Chris and my Mom both couldn't get out of work at the last minute so Val and my good friend Ashley (OB nurse) came with me. The baby is doing so so so so good so far. The little one is measuring 3 DAYS ahead of schedule at 12 weeks 6 days. The fluid so far looks normal and I couldn't have been happier. I am still not sure what to think of how the MFM part of it went. I think I am just spoiled with my OB, she makes me feel protected and watched and this guy kind of gave me the opposite. Thankfully I had Ashley there who understood more of what I wasn't listening to. I guess I was only hearing what I didn't want to hear so I was pretty upset leaving the appointment. I guess I expected more.

I have another ultrasound, it's my "every 2 weeks" scan on Fri with my favorite ultrasound tech so we will see what his growth looks like then. Until then, rest and healthy diet. I sure am growing, I was convinced it was all chunk until the tech was all over my belly looking at this kid, I came home and noticed I am starting to have that bump. Kind of starting to feel real.

But it's ok. I have one awesome OB who in the end, she matters, she cares and I feel 110% comfortable with her. I'm always going to have to expect grim reports from MFM, I just wish I could find one of those AWESOME ones that some of you are able to find. They seem hard to find.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Hitting Home

You want to think bad things don't happen twice to good people. You want to think that when a person goes through one life changing bad thing, they can not endure anymore because they will not be dealt with those cards again. Right?

That's how I feel people view this pregnancy. I hear it all the time now, things such as,

"Stay positive"
"Stop stressing"
"I know this is the one"
"Nothing is going to go bad, you already went through enough"

Sure, I would LOVE to believe those things, I really would. And in fact, I have been staying positive and I have been doing good considering our situation. But when it all comes down to it, there is a reality. And it really hit home last week. Just as Amy wrote in her guest blog just one week before she was admitted.

I talked to Amy, FINALLY. I talked to her for a long time about her, Kooper, her week stay, her delivery, her feelings, Kalli, similarities and how scary it is that we can get sick again and that we don't get a guarantee to go to full term. We don't get a "Get our of Jail" free card because we lost a baby.

I just wonder, am I next? I mean I am only 15 weeks away from when I delivered Nolan. I will be OVER THE MOON if this baby stays ahead of schedule because that means no severe IUGR. But I do fully understand the severity of pre-eclampsia and how it can bear it's ugly head at any time and that I am at a HUGE risk, just like Amy was. I am under some of the best care just like Amy, I am watching my body like a hawk, just like Amy and I know with my OB, MFM I am as safe as I can be just like Amy. I know to listen to my body, I know things can happen and I know not to hesitate if I feel something is off. I am just praying, hoping and wishing that this baby is non-IUGR and I can make it past 26 weeks. It's a scary thought, but with Amy delivering Kooper this week... it all really just sums up how unpredictable this disease is. In our case, what is the point of a due date?! Honestly.

It just feels like your a ticking time bomb, no other way to describe it. And Amy has been telling me from day 1 that's how she has felt this whole time.

On a lighter note,

Amy is doing well, and Kooper is holding strong for a 2lb baby. She is relieved that they saved him before her body got sicker. He is in a safe place and she knows that and she feels relieved. We are both SO thankful that he isn't growth restricted and that in itself makes a HUGE difference. She plans on starting a new caringbridge site sometime today for baby Kooper and when she gets that up and running, I will for sure share with you all.

We are just so thankful he arrived safely, kicking, crying and has some of the best NICU care there is. Kick all that mumbo jumbo, 'arriving early stuff' because in the end... he made it here in the first place. He is a miracle baby, just like Kalli. Good job mama, you did so well and I am so proud of your fight for Kooper.
Kooper Robert James W.
2lbs 1oz

Picture compliments of Amy's cousin Mindy

If there was one baby I would like to see grow from a preemie size, with a birthday so close to Nolan's.... it would be Kooper. I admit this will not be easy, but I feel so connected already. Bless your little heart Kooper, you have so many people routing for you and 2 perfect little angels watching over you. Now grow baby, GROW!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Kalli's Baby Brother

Please send Amy & Scott a million prayers today and in the coming weeks and months.

Baby Kooper was born at 27 weeks today.

Amy's BP went back up and the decided to deliver the baby, she had a baby boy. They are still working on him and I'm still waiting to hear how big he is. Amy is doing okay according to her cousin, just waking up but sore from surgery.

I hate pre-eclampsia. It's unpredictable, can strike twice and bear it's ugly head when ever it wants no matter all the precautions that are taken.

Bless Amy's Family with lots of love and prayers, they will need it.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Nolan’s 1st Birthday

It was a good day and I knew it would be. Out of the entire week, I was looking forward to celebrating his birthday the most because it was his life. A life one Dr assured me wouldn’t happen. The hardest parts of the day were in the morning when I was replaying everything in my head. At this ‘time last year’, I was being prepped for OR, at ‘this time’ last year I was getting my spinal… ect ect. After that passed I was fine. Then later on at the very end of the day, it really hit me that Nolan isn’t here like he should be to celebrate. So I did have a break down, but the Glee episode made it all better. So what the heck did we do for his birthday?Nolans Birthday 024

We spent the day out on the boat.

Nolans Birthday 002Nolans Birthday 004Nolans Birthday 003 Nolans Birthday 010 Nolans Birthday 005 Nolans Birthday 006 Nolans Birthday 025 Nolans Birthday 028 

Had a family dinner at Cheeseburger in Paradise.

DSC_1066 DSC_1059 DSC_1055 The cupcakes I made the night before with my Mom, dad and Aunt. Turned out pretty awesome huh? Even though I accidently licked super glue vs frosting, that was fun.

My favorite part of the day was singing Happy Birthday to Nolan. It was a bittersweet moment and it brought tears to my eyes. Tears of happiness for a life we were given but tears of sadness because it seemed so ass backwards singing to our baby at a gravesite.

DSC_1089 DSC_1091DSC_1097(2) DSC_1100

(Like my awesome anchor/rope headband, my best friend made it just for me and said it’s a ‘one and only’. But that was until I demanded her to make one for a giveaway- so that will be next week. FUN)

We all released balloons after with little notes to Nolan and loved ones in Heaven.


DSC_1155DSC_1093  DSC_1194 In all, it was a great day of celebration. I love my lil guy and I wanted the best birthday party I could give him. I think he would be proud.


Today, I walked into the same doors I so sadly left one year ago today. But this time, I walked out with new ultrasound pictures of our growing little one and a smile instead of tears.

I won't lie, it was hard. My stomach was in knots and I was a mess but I got through it. As soon as I heard the heartbeat I cried, tears of happiness. The baby is still measuring ahead and had a perfect heartbeat of 171. The baby was moving all over the place and we got some good pictures.

So I survived today so far, and I am so glad we did our ultrasound today. It really made me be thankful on a day that it's so hard to be.

So now we're going to visit Nolan and release the butterflies my good friend sent us today. Hopefully the rain holds off and we can get some good pictures.

Keep the prayers coming for Amy, she is holding steady but is very sick. I'll update more when I hear from her again.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

What grief looks like one year later

"Grief is a winding, nasty road that has no predictable course, and the best thing you can do as a friend is to show up for the ride. You cannot rush grief."
Angie Smith

One year ago today I experienced pain that I never knew existed. The type of pain that only seems real in nightmares. I have never felt like the wind had been knocked out of me until that very night, standing in the NICU holding Nolan while they did chest compressions on him. I never knew how much you could lose in a matter of seconds, because just seconds after putting my hands under his 13 ounce body, they called the code. He was done, his fight was over, he laid there lifeless and not kicking and moving around like we knew him. All I remember is falling into Chris' arms and Valorie wrapping her arms around us. It was a nightmare, surreal and I couldn't even grasp what just happened.

Our hopes, our dreams and our new life was just ripped from us in a mater of seconds with out warning. Just one hour ago, I just finished pumping, I was tucking myself into bed and ready to get some much needed sleep. I knew Nolan was in good hands and never suspected a thing would go wrong. NEVER. Until they called down to my floor and told us to get to the NICU as fast as possible. I remember the tech saying she thought he was coding.

It tore me apart that the first time we held our son, he had no pulse, he was turning blue and was cold. I couldn't keep him warm, I couldn't protect him, I couldn't do what Mother's are suppose to be able to do. What good was I? I was in disbelief that we were in the "quiet room" it's the room they only take people to give bad news or take people when bad things happen. We were there.

Baby Nolan 031

Grief then was raw, indescribable, confusing and down right painful. It felt like there was no reason to continue on, how could we? We lost our innocence, we lost our new life and now what do we do? I never again want to go back to those weeks following June 11th, it's painful just to think about it. I'm not really sure how I survived because I don't remember much, I think I was in auto pilot. I went through the 5 stages of grief daily. I had moments of peace and moments of complete anger where I wanted to throw a brick through a glass window.

I counted the weeks since we lost him, that turned into months and now I am sitting here a year later asking where time went.

I tried counseling, I tried therapy but in the end blogging my feelings was my therapy. I did it for me and only me. I hated when people said how 'strong' I was because I didn't feel it. If it was up to me, I would have slept for weeks in a row, I didn't want to get out of bed but I had to. It was survival, it was what I had to do in order to put one foot in front of another and continue life.

So a year later, I am here. Simply here.

I have learned how to cope, how to grieve in my own way and how to survive. I think about Nolan everyday, I look forward to the chances I get to talk about him because it keeps him real.

A year later, I still have a hard time with others pregnancies, looking at new babies and watching new parents. I run from these situations. In all honesty, it has been my biggest battle. Jealousy and envy are ugly beasts, but I can't help but look at those people and ask, why not us? I crave that perfect naive pregnancy and the exciting birth and all that follows it. I would do anything to have a screaming baby keeping me up, I would do anything to make it to 40 weeks no matter how uncomfortable and huge I was, I would do ANYTHING to feel normal again. So a year later, I run. I run far from any pregnancy and I can't help it. Pregnant again or not, it's something I still hide from. I am scared of my own pregnancy let alone, others.

A year later, people expect me to "get over it, time to move on and focus on the 'important' things"

Well people, grief is something that can't be rushed. It is a different journey for every single person. As Angie Smith says, it's unpredictable. Some days are easier than others and a year later the bad days are fewer. But I still have days that I want to crawl in a ball, close my eyes and not wake up. I have those days where I let things people say bother me. I have those days where all I want to do is wallow in my tears. Sometimes the triggers hurt more than I can bear. I think about Nolan EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. It could be 3-4 years from now and I can guarantee you, I will not be "over it" Grief is a life long journey. I have learned who my true friends are because of it.

I will NOT get over it, nor will a new pregnancy make me "move on". I am blessed and 100% completely thankful for being pregnant, especially during this time. But the hormones don't help the overwhelming emotion. You don't move from one baby to another to 'fix' things. So if I want to dwell on something at that very moment, let me. Get over yourself, it's not your place to say how I need to deal. Let people grieve the way they want to, as long as they are not hurting themselves, that is all that matters. Just because I am grieving doesn’t mean I am NOT taking care of our new baby.

One year later, I smile more than I cry when I think about Nolan. I think about how we got the chance to meet him, learn his personality and have that hope. I think about the life we were given after a DR said it was never going to happen. I think about how Nolan made us parents and how special that is. I think about all the support we received after we lost Nolan. I think about how many people remind me daily about Nolan. I smile when I talk about him.

A year later, I think I am doing 'good'. I could have fallen off the deep end. Tragedy can rip marriages apart but Nolan brought us closer. I have met amazing friends, life long relationships and I am thankful for these girls.

A year later, I can laugh again. I can remember pieces of how I used to be happy. I look back at pictures of 2008 before everything happened and miss how simple our life seemed. I miss it, I do.. and I wish I still felt THAT way. But I have accepted our new way of life. I can't change it so I try to accept it. It’s just a new normal that takes A LOT of time to grow on you.

A year later, I still wonder what our life would be like if Nolan was still here. I wonder how big he would be, what milestones he would be hitting and simply what our life would be like. I have a hard time looking at babies that would be his age because it makes me crave him a million times more. I may be a 'Mom' but I sometimes don't feel like it because I couldn't tell you how to care for a newborn, when to feed solids or how to do anything baby related. So I struggle with that.

Grief is ugly, unpredictable and it's a tool that truly shows you who true friends are. I have learned that in the past year. It has caused me to hold grudges, lose friends and feel pain I never knew existed. But I have accepted that it a life long journey, it's here to stay. Good days and bad, it's just part of the motions.

So at 2am tonight, I hope I am sleeping. I don't want to feel what I know is in store for me. Because I know how raw and painful it is, I NEVER want to feel that again. But it's hard when your thinking,

"At this time last year...."

The next 24 hours will be hell, and I am NOT ready for it. But I know I will survive and will conquer it with the love of Chris, family and my dear best friends. I plan on reading all of Nolan's cards that we got last year tomorrow. I remember opening them all, but I couldn't tell you one thing that was said because I was not in a frame of mind to comprehend when I read them last.


Tomorrow will be bittersweet. I will be stepping foot through the same doors I was wheeled out of last year empty handed. I couldn't wait to get out of there that very morning after I wrote his last blog. I was done. But tomorrow, I hope to get a healthy glimpse of what is taking residence in my belly. And I hope that I can walk out with a brief smile and some new ultrasound pictures in hand.

God bless everyone who had been here for us in the past year. In the good and bad times, who didn't selfishly walk away from us when we needed you most. Because my new motto is...

You may be there in our good times, but if you can't genuinely be there in the bad, what good are you to me?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Prayer Request

My best friend Amy (my last guest blogger), Kalli's Mom was admitted 2 days ago, one year to the day that I was admitted.

She woke up with sky high blood pressure and made the 2 hour drive to the hospital, she was admitted and has confirmed mild pre-e. Blood pressures were down the past 2 days and her Dr was hoping to get her 2-3 more weeks.

Today, the baby's heart rate started dropping, she is on high amounts of oxygen and having contractions. They are doing everything to stop the contractions.

Please pray that the baby stays safe in Amy's belly, contractions stop and Amy can get a few more weeks to let Kalli's little sibling grow a little bit more.

I will keep updates on my Twitter as I get them. She is just asking for prayers right now.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

If there was ever a sign…

THIS WAS THE ONE, that I needed today.

First of all, today went perfect and I can’t wait to blog about it. But this just  had to come first.

Tonight, I was bummed we were going to miss Glee’s season finale, but hey, that’s what DVR is for and we had “better” things to do. Not like I would stay home for Glee on a night like tonight. After dinner tonight we all went and visited Nolan and then after the group decided to go to our favorite restaurant to grab a drink in memory of Nolan. So that’s what we did.

The group decided to go to a new place and being me, I wanted to enjoy the night and stay out for a bit. On the way to the new place, my dad text me and my sister called me freaking out over Glee’s season finale.

Like seriously freaking out!


But I wanted to know NOTHING and ignored them.

We got to the new place and I think all the bottled up emotions from the day hit me. With in 5 minutes of walking in, I was a sobbing mess. I was literally sitting in the corner of this dark place with tears uncontrollably falling from my face. So Chris suggested we go home and chill out. And that’s exactly what I needed.

So what was the first thing we did after my breakdown? Watch Glee.

Here is the insane part.

The first song had a part that SCREAMED at me. I know in the song, the lyrics are totally unrelated to the way they used them in the show but in any matter…

Mama, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time
Goodbye, everybody
I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind 

During this time this part of the song was being sung, they were showing one of the characters giving birth. So I figured that’s what my sister & Dad was talking about.  Sure, I thought about it like Nolan was sending a message of a sort.


The very last song…

Somewhere over the Rainbow. (Iz’s version)

I turned into a damn water fountain. I can’t even describe what I felt. It was like Nolan was saying he was okay. In the same exact way as when we played that song at his service and a rainbow formed on the floor from the sun shining through the stain glass windows right when the song started. Amazing. I just sat there smiling but with tears pouring down my face. Like did Glee write this show for me?!

Did you know I was secretly hoping to hear the song all day, even put it on a CD we brought on the boat. But when the song came on, it followed a party song so I skipped it. So here we are, 11:55pm watching the last 2 minutes of Glee and that happens.

Tears of joy that for one second I KNOW Nolan was looking down and giving me a hug even if it was in the most unexpected way.

Dear Nolan,

Happy Birthday Lil Guy!
I can't believe you would be 1 years old today, it's amazing how fast time really did fly. Just one year ago at this very time is when we found out you were going to make an appearance into this world. Let me tell you how unexpected and taken by surprise your Daddy and I were. We didn't even have a name for you yet. Everything happened so fast that morning.

But one thing stuck out in my mind that Dr F said, you may be little but you were developed as a 26 week baby so you had some fight to you. And that you did! And right before they started the c-section, you kicked me so hard and I think it was you telling me everything would be okay, especially since you haven't been active for a few days. You came out kicking and with a squeal. You had APGARS of 8/8 and even impressed Mommy's Dr's.

I can't thank you enough for fighting as hard as you did and giving us time to
meet you. I would do ANYTHING to go back to the 2.5 days you spent kicking in that isolette and sit right beside you for every single moment. You had your Daddy's body but my personality, all 13 ounces of you. You amazed every single person that got to come meet you, you brought tears and laughter at the same time.
I miss you SO much Nolan and would do anything, in this world to be able to spend the day with you Nolan. ANYTHING. But I think that is obvious.

I'm not sure what your birthday will be like up there in Heaven but I bet it will be amazing, you have so many angel friends to celebrate with you and I know Grandma made you the best cake and is going to let you have as many pieces as you want. Just like she did with us kids.

A year ago right now, we had no clue if you would make it in this world, but I am so THANKFUL for the fight you gave us. We gave you life and in the end, THAT'S all that matters.

Happy Birthday Nolan, we love you to the moon and stars and I wish so badly I could watch you smash a big old red and blue cake today.

I love you!

Your Mommy

Sunday, June 6, 2010

If I can only…

If I can only get through this week, I will feel better. I know I will, I have survived a lot and I know a lot of it is the anticipation of this weeks events that make it worse. One foot in front of another, expect to cry and feel things I haven’t felt in months and remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

So what are our plans for the week?

Tomorrow I am spending the day preparing for Nolan’s birthday. I plan on attempting cupcakes and hopefully they will turn out. I’m sure I won’t be no Suzy Homemaker and will probably use Funfetti cake mix but that’s my favorite and it’s a no fail. I think the decorating will be my favorite. Hopefully with Dad's help, Mom's knowledge and Val's creativity, I won’t fail.

Nolan’s birthday our family and a few very close friends are spending the day out on a pontoon boat out in the ocean. I think we will stock up in beer, sandwiches and snacks and make a few beach stops. Then later visit Nolan and do a balloon release before having a family dinner.

And for the days I’m not looking forward too, I’m not so sure what I will do. I’m not looking forward to it, I am already replaying the events in my head. I just can’t believe it has been a year since I last saw Nolan kick, held Nolan or felt like our life was complete. I never once thought in those 2.5 days, that death was even a threat. I saw it as he made it this far, he will make it out of here. But I learned the hard way things don’t always go as planned.

On the 11th, I will step foot back into the one place I couldn’t wait to get out of that dreaded morning. This time I plan on leaving with new ultrasound pictures vs being wheeled out empty handed. I’m hoping that going there for an ultrasound, I will have something to smile about on that day. Be around the people that were there that morning and see Dr F who saw it all herself and sat and cried with me that very morning. I feel a connection to those people and maybe seeing them, will help even if it’s just a little.

And hopefully after all this, I can feel a sense of relief that we made our first year. I know we will honor Nolan like he deserves, I just look forward to all this being over, that is, at least for another year. And hopefully, next year we have a healthy 6 month old celebrating his/her big brothers birthday with us.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Stream of Consciousness

A little bit of ADD brought to you by yours truly.

Went to Target today and found some awesome deals. Clearance bras for $5.98 since I need new ones that will fit the next few months. Polka dots and stars. Awesome. Made a stroll through the baby aisles for the first time in 11 months, at least my Mom was with me. Found a crib, I'm in love. It's simple and perfect- I have a totally different taste this time. Ran into an old student of mine, bless her heart, she asked how old my baby is now. She caught herself in her question. Poor thing felt awful. I'm used to it by now and it's okay. I think she felt more awkward than me. Turned in my red jug-o-pee that I will have to do a few times this pregnancy. Always awkward handing over 24 hours worth of ick to the nurse. I packaged it nicely in grocery bags. But at least I am not on house arrest being held captive by the jug. I'm sure only preeclamptic mamas will even understand this concept. Because in all honestly, it's a gross concept. I am now a regular at the lab, they know me and make jokes. It doesn't bother me a bit. Nolan's birthday celebration is falling through, it breaks my heart. Mom got a new job and can't be there now and it wont be the same without her. Some people can't stay out all day on the water, so I might just cancel it. Stuck on what to do now, dinner and visit Nolan? Seems so bland compared to what I wanted to do. (Sigh) It feels like 110 degrees outside, it's going to be a long hot summer. I need to find more dresses for this in between size. New bras, new underwear, new everything because I am popping out of everything. Guess it didn't help being 20lbs overweight before we started this, oh well. More cushion for baby- that's Chris' excuse. My house is SO clean, love love love the cleaning ladies. I haven't seem my floors shine this much in months. Wedding photos turned out awesome so far, I think I should blog it and show off my beautiful bride. One week till next scan, crossing fingers this lil one is measuring ahead. I'm kinda of sick of people telling me to take care of myself. I know they are concerned but I feel like I am have to defend myself like I didn't take care of myself last time. Make sense? Going to dinner on the water tonight, pretty stoked to do something different and then an art walk downtown, looks like I will be a DD tonight. I can't wait to go on another cruise. Don't think that will happen before I am not allowed to travel anymore. Maybe we will just book one for 2011, it gets me 1/4th my fix.

Random thoughts racing through my head a million miles a minute, trying to distract myself to what takes place next week. But it doesn't seem to be working. Just bear with me, I promise to start posting some happy again. I just need to get though this month.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Grieving Heart and a Growing Belly: Guest blog

I have a best friend, we came together because of our unfortunate circumstances.

Our babies.

Over the past year, we have shared our deepest thoughts, cried to each other over the phone numerous times (more than I can count) and prayed for each other. I could not imagine going through this journey without her, she has been a  rock to me.

She has NEVER ever held any of my feelings against me, because out of all people…. she just GOT IT. And 99.9% of the time, she felt the same way.

So when I was talking to her the other night about my fears & irrational thoughts it dawned on me. She is 4 months further along in this process and from our convo she had many of the same feelings. So I asked her to write it out, I explained it’s therapy and that I would to post it on my blog.

So here we are, a guest blog of sorts from a women who doesn’t have a blog, but who has the words, feelings and thoughts to share.

I love you Amy and I couldn’t have done this past year without you.


I am Kalli's mom.

Nolan and Kalli went to heaven almost a month a part and our circumstances were really close....I mean scary close. To read about my journey, just reread Ashley's blog because she wrote down exactly what I did in my journal to my daughter. That journey still continues like Ashley's does.

It has almost been a year since I have kissed my angel and that kills me, can you imagine not being able to kiss your baby for a year and beyond. That is what we deal with daily…

But this isn't about that, it is about what is going on in my belly. I’m once again pregnant, and it is growing and I still fear having to tell people. I wasn't ready, I wanted to hide until I for sure had a healthy baby in my arms. The thought of people saying congratulations made me want to throw up. I know what happened to Kalli  and I know it wasn't my fault, but the though of losing another child......... was more then I could handle!

I grew up healthy, loving life and never thinking  or expecting that my body would betray me. I am an athlete and could always push my body to it’s limits and it never let me down, except that one time when my legs gave out at a track meet and I practically crawled across the finish line, but that has happened to everyone, right? My body has it's own agenda and for some reason bounced right back to where I was with Kalli. It was pretty obvious as soon as I got pregnant.

FEAR is my middle name right now, I have been waiting for the bottom of the barrel to fall out. I am literally a ticking time bomb.....just waiting for something bad to happen. I know that isn't a way to live. Everyone tells me to think positive, I did and look where it got me. I have to think realistically so that I don't get bulldozed again.

“I will let you be positive for me...I have to stay real to myself...my body is the one going through this.”

I know that I am pregnant, but it still hurts when people tell me that they are. I am not here to judge, but I don't take being pregnant lightly anymore! I did it the right way and I still can't figure out what I did to deserve this. I know it is the devil testing me and my faith, but he failed....so back off!

From day to day and even hour to hour or minute by minute my feelings change. I am excited about the possibility of new life. I am terrified that my body is going to fail, I know that it will, but when? I can't even dream of having a 4 lb. baby, just let it be a healthy 2 lbs - if that is even possible.

I don't get think like “normal” people do and my friends and family respect that. They love me for me and the ones that haven't been around or don't like what I have to say, have found other people to talk to. That is fine with me and you will have to understand that I can't be that person for you.

I am in a selfish battle right now for my baby and my life. I don't have to tell you how high risk this pregnancy is for me.

No one is worth getting me upset, I have to be in sound body and mind. I have to find a good place in my life for me to try and figure this out. So that I can live with the fact that I am a broken mommy trying to figure out my nitch in this world and how to handle a new baby coming into my arms knowing that it isn't my sweet Kalli. I can't imagine loving a baby more, but any mom that has had 2 or more kids tells me about how your heart grows to hold another. I am really looking forward to that. As the Dr. Appointments become a weekly tradition, the shots come everyday, and the blood pressure cuff comes more often then my meals do..... all just to give us a fighting chance.

I do want to thank all of my friends and family out there that do read this blog and know how to handle the new me. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! They have never been afraid to ask me a question or talk through things and have never hated me for the honest answers that I give now. I have grown into a different person and will continue to grow through this. I can't tell you for sure if I have grown for the better or for the worse, I wonder that a lot.

In the end I know that it will be for the better, I just don't know when the end is..........no one does.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Wyatt River

God bless this little boy, Wyatt River who joined his brothers Logan & Brody up in Heaven. Please visit Courtney and send her and her family prayers of comfort. As things like this just are NOT suppose to happen.
We are all praying for you Courtney for peace and comfort in the coming days, although we all know it takes weeks, months and even years for that to come. Just know that we are all here surrounding you with love.