Nostalgia

I don't even know how to start this blog post. It's been a long time coming but just wasn't ready to put everything out there. Shocking I know, coming from a women who publicly blogged her grief journey. BUT....

Tonight marks the end of an era

And Era that I was so profoundly proud of and took so much pride in. When I got married, I said my vows and meant every.single.word, through thick and thin- better for worse. I wanted to see my family flourish into something beautiful and magnificent. I wanted everything I grew up with, siblings, laughter, traditions and most of all love. My Mom and Dad from as little as I can remember has made me want to be like them. In love, most of the time, getting through the worst of times and loving every second of family. 

It's the one thing I starkly remember  is my family loved each other unconditionally and even if it was in the most chaotic way.

I've heard life comes in stages or lets say waves. Ya, I get that- I've been though a freaking tsunami in the past 6 years and up until July of last year, I felt confident we made it through the worst. We went through more than most couples do in a lifetime. To me, THAT was something to smile about in the midst of a storm. Even then, I grieved yet picked up the very broken pieces and tried to make what little sense I could out of them. I came closer to my own faith and leaned upon that in my weaker moments along side my husband. Because in the end, we both went through this together and rising on top. 

Then life took a nice turn, we fell pregnant again and with an OB that coddled me like I was her own daughter. She went through Nolan with us, every second. She made the next 8+ months I was pregnant enjoyable as one could have. I prayed. I prayed like crazy. I said my Novena's nightly, I embraced best rest like it was my full time dream job and in that same time remained loyal and supportive of the husband that held my hand through all this mess. I prayed like crazy that this was our chance at a traditional family.

In December 2010, a long yet tedious fight for life, Chris and I gave birth to a 5lb 6oz healthy baby boy. CC (Christopher Charles) Life was as complete as we would ever know it to be. I was literally on top of the world. I knew deep down in my heart he would never in a million years replace Nolan yet he would fill my heart with hope and love that I felt was next to impossible to feel in the prior years.

We bought our (wait apparently "my dream home"). It was in the churches backyard where I could literally look out CC's window and blow a kiss towards the memorial garden we placed Nolan in every night. I couldn't have asked for better considering the situation. I wanted CC to grow up in a neighborhood filled with families, kids, traditions and most of all growing up to learn his older brother is so close yet so far away.

A year ago today, I struggled with this entire picture. I couldn't figure out why my life felt so "off"

I had a dream job in the very NICU Nolan was in, a beautiful & very healthy & so very hilarious 3 year old that I woke up for every morning wanting to be the best Mom a child could ask for. And a husband that I thought even though his struggles and his own grief loved me to pieces. Or so I thought. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing I was so delusional at such a vulnerable time in my life.

It may sound bizarre but I feel my perspective has put a very unique vision on life as I know it. Down't sweat the small things; I live in the moment, hire a cleaning lady and don't waste your time. "Because Ashley, you have the whole world in your hand right there in front of you, everything you ever wanted."

But now, in this very day I am struggling with how I pictured this so called life. I could throw myself a pity party if I so chose to but that's just not me. I honestly believe I was in a state of Nostalgia.

In late September I unfortunately learned I was not enough. No matter what I did or what I said- I.was.not.enough.

Without going into details, I didn't do enough nor was I the perfect size, did't work out enough and try harder to be fit and blah blah blah. 

In that moment, ok maybe a few weeks later in one of those kind of moments I realized I deserve better. I deserve the same love I give to a partner. I want love to be reciprocated without effort and a marriage that vows mean what you stood in front of God, family and friends stating... YOU, you are my forever though hell and back.

Because, I've been there. I know. I was doing that. It's been months, almost a year since my so called ,less than perfect life was turned upside down and quite honestly I can say I am in a better place today in this moment than I was in the uncertainty of last year's dishonesty.

But.. For the first time since then...

Tonight was rough. The past few days have been embarrassingly difficult. Actually this past couple days have been the hardest I have experienced since well.. since we lost Nolan. Tomorrow we close on the house that I once upon a time believe it or not saw as the home CC would grow up in with the same neighbors grade to grade. I worked so hard for that home. I prayed for it, I upkeep it minus cleaning lady duties and lawn- ha! I took pride in every detail that went into that home.

It's hard emotionally detaching from a home that hold so much emotional ties to. It's just different than any old home to me. It was the home CC practically grew up in. We picked that home for that reason. I was truly blessed with some of the most amazing neighbors a new Mom/neighbor could ask for and I can only hope and pray the new family feel that same connection bc I want them to know more than anything that the home they just moved into was once a dream and I want them to fill it with every single piece my broken family never got to.

Good Luck to the new family, she's a beauty and every little paint scrape and stain came from a once hilarious or memorable moment. 

On to new adventures and starting over. It's a sad yet enlighten time to be going through, not one I would invite anyone on for the ride. Because trust me, I will be so damn happy when this chapter ends and a new begins. CC and even I deserve it, Happiness and unconditional love are the only two things on MY Christmas list this year.

Thank you to each and every one of you for following my story the past 6 years and helping me keep Nolan's story alive. It means the world to me overtime I read comments, texts or emails saying you thought of Nolan. 

I will rise out on top of this chaos, not sure how or when but if I got through the past 6 years- I think I can handle whatever comes this way.

Bless each and everyone of you!

Closing this chapter on this blog. I hope one day this blog brings CC some happiness knowing his parents were once happy and know in words how absolutely loved he is.