Sunday, August 8, 2010

Dear Nolan,

Everything reminds me of you. And I mean EVERYTHING, especially this weekend.

The clothes we see at Carters are still some of the same ones we bought for you and have tucked away in your closet upstairs.

Every nautical nursery set or decoration strikes an urge to buy it for your room.

The trip we made to Babies R Us takes me back to a time me and your Dad would wander the aisles with our scanner guns wondering what the the best thing was to get you.

The red stroller Aunt Mary bought your little brother just today, just happens to be the SAME one we registered for you.

Dad called the new baby by the nickname we had picked out for you had your name been Christopher Joseph III and I cringed because it was weird to go back to the day when your name was different.

There are so many things in the past weekend that has struck a cord with me. I put my big girl panties on and bit the bullet to go look for stuff for your little brother. Even though it was hard and I was anxious, I had fun. It was exciting to think about when we get to use all the stuff, but it makes me sad at the same time because I never got to use it with you. I never dressed you in your baseball outfit or took you for a walk in your red stroller. But I know you and Charlie are working your butts off up there to make sure we get to being your little brother home. So I have FAITH that this is really going to happen, I mine as well start looking and be prepared.

I just miss you. And now that all this new stuff is happening, it makes me miss the things that we didn't get to experience with you. All the preparing in the world never would have prepared me for the loss of you. I guess that's why I don't care all that much for it. I know your Grandma, Val and Aunt Mary will have all that extra stuff covered when the time comes anyways.

Your doing an awesome job baby boy. Charlie was the only person who met you here on this Earth and has cradled you up there in Heaven, so I know your in good hands. He loved you more than I can even explain, he just thought you were awesome.

I love you Nolan, keep an eye on baby "you know the name"

Love,
Your Mommy











12 comments:

butterflymom said...

Thinking about you...and knowing that Nolan is watching over you and his little brother. ((Hugs))

ryansmom said...

My thoughts are with you. I'm glad to read that you are able to go shopping for your little guy on the way. I was wondering if you were going to stick with the nautical theme or pick something else? I go back and forth trying to decide what to do with Ryan's things.

沈貞李添睿儀 said...

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Busted Kate said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Busted Kate said...

HUGS. Thinking of you, and Nolan.

Lisette said...

What a sweet post. Nolan and Charlie are looking out for you and the baby for sure. Thinking of you ((HUGS)). I am so happy for you that everything is going well with this pregnancy. Take care!

Johanna said...

Ashley, all I can say is I understand. I am so glad you are able to blog these feelings and tell how you feel. I kept them inside afraid of what people might think. But a lot of what youve said is EXACTLY how I felt getting ready for Evan after losing Eli. Thank you for your honesty and sharing these raw raw feelings.

Lori said...

It is really hard to have the same gender...I love, love, love that we are having a baby brother, but it's hard to shop for things just for him when I see the very same things I bought (and have all over the house!) for Matthew in the looking.

People say things like, "Oh, a boy! Only a month or so behind! That'll make things a lot easier!!"

Umm, no...not at all.

Trying to honor both of my sons, when one is dead and one I'm desperately praying will be born and live a long, long time...that is not easy. It's bittersweet and hard and just makes a lot of stuff seem blurry--but only to me because others seem to think it's easier now.

Thinking of you and Nolan's sweet baby brother!!

The Blue Sparrow said...

(((HUGS)))

Jill said...

Very touching letter to sweet baby Nolan. I cried while reading it. I feel the same way, I feel almost guilty about going to pick out things for this little girlie. But i know that Naomi is watching over both of us and is cheering us on til our duedates, well as close as we can get! Today I went to Target for the first time with a scanner in my hand, on my oawn to add to a few items to registry, and things made me sad, remembering how I would pick out so many cute outfits for Naomi. But in the end, I got through it, and just threw a bunch of kisses to little Naomi and telling her thank you & how much I love her & miss her. I am so glad you got to go shopping, I sitll have yet to check out that Baby Love store! I am excited! :)

俊王美 said...

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峻胡邦慧v帆 said...

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