Friday, December 10, 2010

He’s ours?

I’m still in shock, the kind that hits you like an arctic blast when your prepared for the beach and wearing a bikini. Yup that one. I am still thinking today is the “Big Day” I mean, it IS December 10th. I am just in awe that right now, this very second I have a 5 day old tiny guy being passed around around our living room and he’s ours.

I will be the first to admit I was in complete denial that everything would turn out perfect. I had faith but I also admit that our faith has been so strongly tested this year, I was preparing myself for yet another test. Up until the moment I was wheeled into the actual OR room, I was so scared it was still very possible to lose our baby in some shape form or another. I have to say the best feeling was being prepped, knowing a healthy baby was just minutes away from meeting us and feel that naive confidence again.

photo(12) “Our Dream Team”

I remember the energy being exciting in the OR room, how could it not be? Every person, well almost every person knew of our story. We of course had Dr Fish, who came in on her night off at 12am to do my c-section. I know she wouldn’t miss it for the world, we have been through too much together. Then of course the on-call OB from the practice assisted in my section. Then Ashley my close friend and Godmother of Christopher, who worked a 12 hour shift, got home and had to turn back around to come back so she could “catch” Christopher from Dr Fish and then go on to take care of him (which by the way his Apgars were 9/9). And I had am amazing OR nurse who talked me through everything.

Chris held my hand through the whole thing, and when he did for the first time, Nolan’s necklace that I had to take off was being placed on his wrist. When we grabbed hands, the charm that holds Nolan, fell right into my hand. I felt safe, I felt protected and I KNEW everything would be ok.

Minutes later, we welcomed CC! He was a lot smaller than expected but had the most pleasant cry this mamma would ever hear in my life. A healthy cry. The next few hours were a blur, I think I was in shock over the whole experience. 6 hours earlier I was being blessed in front of Mass by Father Bob, he announced I had 6 days left, said a beautiful prayer and everyone clapped. After we all went out to dinner at Sweet Tomatoes, again, I still had no idea what was in store for us in just a few short hours. 55767_478941594893_88829519893_5516692_24296_o(3) I’m in love.

We spent the next 3 days marveling how perfect Christopher is. I feel renewed in life again, I feel like I have so much to look forward to. I am excited to start our life again. I did think about Nolan A LOT this past week, his picture frame sat on my bedside table and he reminded me every day how special our family of 4 is.

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I want to say the hardest yet most emotional days besides the night he was born was the day we were discharged. Instead of seeing social workers asking funeral arrangements and dropping off support group folders, we had car seat inspectors, lactation consultants, well baby people and our pedestrian who agreed to let me take Christopher home on a BIlli blanket instead if keeping him a few more days. I couldn’t even fathom the thought of leaving him there, walking out of the hospital once again with no baby, let alone what it would do to my mental health.

The hardest part was getting a visit from Dr Fish who wanted pictures with Christopher and to wish us luck and say goodbye. I felt like I was leaving my grade school best friend and moving to a new continent. We have been through so much together, and because of her, her hard work, labs, tests, research, compassion, empathy and most of all support, I was able to make it though a pregnancy, a healthy one at that I seriously couldn’t have done this leg of the journey without her. She got us our baby. I couldn’t stop crying, I will never be able to Thank her enough, but I think her being able to see us bring a baby home was her true satisfaction. photo(24)

10 minutes later, we were walking out the door with the biggest grins on our faces. We were free, homeward bound with a perfect little brother.  photo(23) photo(22)

Where do you think our first stop was? Yup. What a moment that was, special yet heart breaking.

photo(20)

32 comments:

Lisette said...

Such a beautiful story. The last photo just has me in tears right now. How I wish Nolan was here with you to share in all this happiness. Praying for you guys everyday ((HUGS)).

Lisa said...

Again, you leave me in tears... Happy ones, sad ones, but genuine ones. xoxo

Our Happily Ever After said...

Beautiful story. The last picture got me, too. CC will always have a very special guardian angel watching over him.
-Amanda

daisybv2 said...

Tears are steaming down my face I wish you and your family of 4 a very blessed Christmas and a GREAT 2011! He is adorable by the way and I cant wait to watch him grow through your blog

:) Cheers!

*Laura Angel said...

Cried during your story! I am so happy for you and he is so perfect! Nolan has sent you the most amazing Christmas gift! You give me inspiration :) Loves!

Andrea said...

Not sure if I've commented before, but I just wanted to say congratulations and I've been following your blog for awhile. I'm so happy your little guy arrived safely. This post was beautiful, the photos are beautiful as well and so touching.

Lareina said...

Beautiful post (as always). I love the last picture... so meaningful and has me in tears for you. Hugz.

Kalialani said...

I have chills and tears in my eyes. Your family's story is amazing and I've followed it for a long time now so it brings so much joy and hope to my life to hear about Nolan's little brother coming into this world to such a loving family. You are truly a beautiful family of 4. Love to you and your expanding family. :) AHHH I'm just so darn happy reading this :) I needed that, thank you!

Jules said...

This was such a good post to read, I'm sitting at work in tears. So happy for you!

Samantha said...

Congratulations! He is so precious! Your story has me in tears. I wish you only the best. The best advice that I was given when my son was born was to sleep when he slept, so I am going to pass that on to you. :) You have a beautiful family of 4!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

What an adorable little peanut he is. I don't think your smile can be any bigger. ((HUGS)) What a beautiful Christmas gift God has given to you.

Mitzi G. said...

He is so precious & I am sure that Nolan loved you bringing him to see him!!! Congrats & enjoy baby Christopher today & always!!

Andrea said...

Oh my....let the river of tears flow. This is such a beautiul and moving post. I've followed your journey and felt your heart aches and now I am rejoicing in your reward. FAITH prevailed!

Wishing you all the very best that life has to offer from this day forward.

xxx

Dana said...

I was smiling while reading this whole post. Then I saw the last picture and the tears started. So incredibly touching.

Krystle said...

Ashley! You were bending over 5 days after your c-section that easily? lol. He is perfect, I am SO happy for you. Your body did great and so did your mind (I can't imagine the extent of your anxiety). I'm so glad you had a great team of doctors!

Mrs. D said...

Wow. I'm grinning with tears running down my face at the same time. CONGRATULATIONS, Ashley. I am BEYOND happy & excited for your family. Christopher is perfect & I know that Nolan is watching over all of you.

Such an amazing story.

Trista & Chris said...

I wanted to comment and tell you that the last photo had me in tears only to see everyone else said the same thing! What a BEAUTIFUL family you have there Mrs D. Congratulations.

Trista & Chris said...

I wanted to comment and tell you that the last photo had me in tears only to see everyone else said the same thing! What a BEAUTIFUL family you have there Mrs D. Congratulations.

Angie said...

I love it. I know Nolan is watching over you guys and his new little brother.

When you get a chance, which I don't expect to be anytime soon, would you mind sharing where you got that perfect little brother onesie, and was it a preemie size or newborn? (angiew901@msn.com)

TanaLee Davis said...

Tears!!!! So happy, you give us all hope for rainbows. Your story could so be a lifetime movie! :) :::::

jamie said...

I just started bawling Ashley - our due dates with Nolan and Vincent were so close to each other, We lost them within 2 months of each other and now have our second sons home with us. U am in awe of the little man sleeping on me now - I know you feel the same about cc. i am so happy for you.

Mrs. W said...

Thank you for sharing such beautiful thoughts! This post has me in tears! He is absolutely perfect and he has a true gaurdian angel always looking out for him! Congrats!

Maggie said...

I'm so happy for you Ashley! Congratulations big brother Nolan!! XO

Jill said...

Gosh, I just cried the whole way through this post and am still crying and sniffling. Beautifully written. I felt the EXACT same way you have. I remember hearing Sadie's cry and her being broughten to me, I kissed her little forehead, then the next few horus were a blue to me as well. I feel the same way about my Dr (dr handsome! lol) I still need to get a picture of him and Sadie! I am upset I didnt get a picture of us together, I wish I had but thats okay! Beautiful and I cant wait to folloow your journey and someday VERY soon I hope to meet this little guy! again a big congrats, YOU MADE IT!!! Sweet Nolan is watching from above. Just as I always felt my Naomi was, I know she helped us get here. xoxoxox youre doing amazing!

AJ said...

Just found you today and read all of Nolan's story and from the begining of CC's pregnancy. Will be following to here all the updates on his beautiful life.

Lauren said...

Beautiful story! I'm so interested in hearing about all your new feelings/emotions. I'm sure I'll be experiencing the same things in just a few more months when I have Tay. Love CC and love you!! So glad I got to meet him and hold him!

Ethansmommy said...

Love Love Love your story, it had me in tears several times! Thanks so much for sharing your rainbow story!

Alison said...

Congrats! He is precious!

Pam McBride said...

So happy for you guys. You make a beautiful family! :)

Betty said...

What a beautiful post. I lost it when you said, "When we grabbed hands, the charm that holds Nolan, fell right into my hand."

I am so happy for you. (((hugs)))

Fanny said...

This post made me tear up.
This journey was blessed and you got your happily ever after finally!
with Nolan and Charlie watching you 3 from above, everything will finally be good and joyful.
You deserve this happiness.

rebecca said...

What a beautiful post, you had tears of joy running down my face reading that especially at the end with that last picture! You guys look so incredibly happy and what a beautiful little boy. Thank you for sharing your joy, it was so heartwarming!