I’m still in shock, the kind that hits you like an arctic blast when your prepared for the beach and wearing a bikini. Yup that one. I am still thinking today is the “Big Day” I mean, it IS December 10th. I am just in awe that right now, this very second I have a 5 day old tiny guy being passed around around our living room and he’s ours.
I will be the first to admit I was in complete denial that everything would turn out perfect. I had faith but I also admit that our faith has been so strongly tested this year, I was preparing myself for yet another test. Up until the moment I was wheeled into the actual OR room, I was so scared it was still very possible to lose our baby in some shape form or another. I have to say the best feeling was being prepped, knowing a healthy baby was just minutes away from meeting us and feel that naive confidence again.
I remember the energy being exciting in the OR room, how could it not be? Every person, well almost every person knew of our story. We of course had Dr Fish, who came in on her night off at 12am to do my c-section. I know she wouldn’t miss it for the world, we have been through too much together. Then of course the on-call OB from the practice assisted in my section. Then Ashley my close friend and Godmother of Christopher, who worked a 12 hour shift, got home and had to turn back around to come back so she could “catch” Christopher from Dr Fish and then go on to take care of him (which by the way his Apgars were 9/9). And I had am amazing OR nurse who talked me through everything.
Chris held my hand through the whole thing, and when he did for the first time, Nolan’s necklace that I had to take off was being placed on his wrist. When we grabbed hands, the charm that holds Nolan, fell right into my hand. I felt safe, I felt protected and I KNEW everything would be ok.
Minutes later, we welcomed CC! He was a lot smaller than expected but had the most pleasant cry this mamma would ever hear in my life. A healthy cry. The next few hours were a blur, I think I was in shock over the whole experience. 6 hours earlier I was being blessed in front of Mass by Father Bob, he announced I had 6 days left, said a beautiful prayer and everyone clapped. After we all went out to dinner at Sweet Tomatoes, again, I still had no idea what was in store for us in just a few short hours. I’m in love.
We spent the next 3 days marveling how perfect Christopher is. I feel renewed in life again, I feel like I have so much to look forward to. I am excited to start our life again. I did think about Nolan A LOT this past week, his picture frame sat on my bedside table and he reminded me every day how special our family of 4 is.
I want to say the hardest yet most emotional days besides the night he was born was the day we were discharged. Instead of seeing social workers asking funeral arrangements and dropping off support group folders, we had car seat inspectors, lactation consultants, well baby people and our pedestrian who agreed to let me take Christopher home on a BIlli blanket instead if keeping him a few more days. I couldn’t even fathom the thought of leaving him there, walking out of the hospital once again with no baby, let alone what it would do to my mental health.
The hardest part was getting a visit from Dr Fish who wanted pictures with Christopher and to wish us luck and say goodbye. I felt like I was leaving my grade school best friend and moving to a new continent. We have been through so much together, and because of her, her hard work, labs, tests, research, compassion, empathy and most of all support, I was able to make it though a pregnancy, a healthy one at that I seriously couldn’t have done this leg of the journey without her. She got us our baby. I couldn’t stop crying, I will never be able to Thank her enough, but I think her being able to see us bring a baby home was her true satisfaction.
Where do you think our first stop was? Yup. What a moment that was, special yet heart breaking.