They told me not to blink my eyes and isn't that the truth. It feels like just yesterday we were calling our friends and family at midnight to gather at the hospital to welcome our little man 5 days early. Just one month ago Ashley, CCs godmother placed him in my arms for the first time in the OR and I was in complete shock that he was ours.
Now it's a month later and motherhood is exactly what I dreamed of, it's a perfect match of amazing and exhausting. I craved these moments, good and bad so in all honesty I'm not even bothered by the late nights, because I know what silence has felt like the past 18 months.
I do have a mental struggle juggling my grief for Nolan and my gratitude for CC. It's an awkward position as a mother to think that if Nolan was still here, CC would not be. How can a mother balance the "omg your amazing, but your here because your brother isn't" I know and accept it's Gods plan. (Holy cow, did I just say I "accepted") but it's still a process of grief that comes after a sibling comes after a loss. Because I wish we could just have them both.
I love him just as much as his big brother. I find it so hard to find the words to describe how I feel, but for now I am just so thankful God gave us another child to love on and experience. The loss of Nolan truly taught Chris and I how to savor every second, embrace every part of parenthood and love harder than we have ever loved before. I love more because I know how fragile life is and how quickly it can change. I never thought those last hours we spent with Nolan his last night would be our last, only hours later we were pleading and begging with God at his issolette to bring his heartbeat back which we watched him code. That morning leaving the hospital with empty arms made me a different person. It forever changed me and my perspective on life. Granted it's been a LONG LONG LONG road of grief to even realize this much. I know there are many more realizations and lessons to come.
Although, I'll question everyday why Nolan isn't here, what Gods plan was and still is. But for now I plan on savoring every single second and appreciate all that life brings us in the future. It's finally our turn to feel normal as we can as parents.
So for now, I'll savor and know Nolan made me a better person, a better parent and gave me a true appreciation for the gift of life.