Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Savor

They told me not to blink my eyes and isn't that the truth. It feels like just yesterday we were calling our friends and family at midnight to gather at the hospital to welcome our little man 5 days early. Just one month ago Ashley, CCs godmother placed him in my arms for the first time in the OR and I was in complete shock that he was ours.

Now it's a month later and motherhood is exactly what I dreamed of, it's a perfect match of amazing and exhausting. I craved these moments, good and bad so in all honesty I'm not even bothered by the late nights, because I know what silence has felt like the past 18 months.

I do have a mental struggle juggling my grief for Nolan and my gratitude for CC. It's an awkward position as a mother to think that if Nolan was still here, CC would not be. How can a mother balance the "omg your amazing, but your here because your brother isn't" I know and accept it's Gods plan. (Holy cow, did I just say I "accepted") but it's still a process of grief that comes after a sibling comes after a loss. Because I wish we could just have them both.

I love him just as much as his big brother. I find it so hard to find the words to describe how I feel, but for now I am just so thankful God gave us another child to love on and experience. The loss of Nolan truly taught Chris and I how to savor every second, embrace every part of parenthood and love harder than we have ever loved before. I love more because I know how fragile life is and how quickly it can change. I never thought those last hours we spent with Nolan his last night would be our last, only hours later we were pleading and begging with God at his issolette to bring his heartbeat back which we watched him code. That morning leaving the hospital with empty arms made me a different person. It forever changed me and my perspective on life. Granted it's been a LONG LONG LONG road of grief to even realize this much. I know there are many more realizations and lessons to come.

Although, I'll question everyday why Nolan isn't here, what Gods plan was and still is. But for now I plan on savoring every single second and appreciate all that life brings us in the future. It's finally our turn to feel normal as we can as parents.

So for now, I'll savor and know Nolan made me a better person, a better parent and gave me a true appreciation for the gift of life.

14 comments:

TanaLee Davis said...

I completely understand your "mind- wars." I have them daily. Though I don't have a rainbow yet, I can't help but prepare myself for the emotions I know I will feel or the fears that will come to life as soon as I become Pregnant again. I give you props for being a strong and courageous mother for both your boys.
I applaud you for your grieving path because you have chosen to not give up or accept a broken road...you've chosen a forgiveness route and a happy new normal..
savor that- Felicia

Britt said...

You are so positive! I'm so happy that you are experiencing the joy of motherhood and just loving on your little boy because that's what this life is about... savoring every moment! Great post!

Brie said...

What a beautiful post. I've been lovin all the buckeye gear photos (= he has no chouce, buckeye fan from birth LOL. Nice work mom and dad!

Maribeth said...

I like to believe that our life is like a giant tapestry. Here on earth we can only see the ragged under side of the tapestry. We have our joys and our sorrows. And the tapestry fills in and we see the loose strings.
When our lives our done and we get to see the Lord in Heaven, we look back at our life's tapestry from the beautiful top side. I know it will be then, that I will see my daughter's short life woven into mine in the brightest of golden threads!

The Suburban Princess said...

Congratulations again to both you and Chris on the arrival of your precious CC. He is so adorable!

I too have the same struggle. My husband has to remind me when I get sad about the baby that we lost to miscarriage, that if I hadn't miscarried, our son, Bronx, would not be here. And I find it extremely hard to imagine what life would be like if things were different. It's an awkward feeling.

I hope all the best to you and your family in 2011.

Stephanie said...

I am so happy for you. . . and sad too. It is just joyous in the midst of on and off pain. I wish that we could all have all our children and never experience these things that LIFE seems to require of us.

I am very close to having my rainbow baby and I keep telling myself the same things that you are posting about ~ trying somehow to once again prepare for the impossible. To handle the experience of life after a death. Hard and yet, exciting at the same time. Thank you for sharing your feelings.

Amanda said...

Thank you. This brought tears to my eyes. I want so much to feel the same thing. And I know if all goes well and we bring our rainbow home then I'll feel the same way. To know this baby wouldn't be here if the first had survived. To cherish every second. To have so many emotions. CC is such a handsome little guy. Much love to you and your family.

johannanurse said...

I love this post so much and I just read it out loud to Todd. This sums up how I felt after bringing Evan home. Feelings I never told anyone because noone would understand. And now I see them validated it black and white and know I wasnt crazy! Keep loving him and kissing him and don't blink!

Kimberly said...

I can't imagine having to battle grief with gratitude, but it seems you are doing am amazing job with it. CC is adorable Mama, enjoy the itty bitty stage - it goes too quick!

LetterstoClaire said...

It was really good for me to read this. I'm scared about having another child, even though I desperately want to be pregnant again, because I can't fathom loving anyone as much as I love Claire. I'm happy hearing that the love is there equally and that loving one doesn't diminish the love for the other.

Momma said...

ashley, i rarely comment... i was just compelled to, though, when i read this. it's totally normal to feel the weird juxtaposition of grief over your lost baby and joy over your rainbow. as i sit and play with my son, nurse my son, watch him open christmas presents, etc., i often think that i'll never get to do these things with my daughter. or, i imagine how things would be with all 3 kids (i have one older).
then i remember commenting to my husband that if we hadn't lost elizabeth, john wouldn't be with us.
his reply? he gently reminded me that i didn't really KNOW that. our pregnancy with john was an absolute shock -- i was charting, and we were using protection during my fertile times -- yet i still managed to get pregnant. could this have happened if elizabeth were still alive (and, yikes, 4 months old)? yes, absolutely. did i have to lose her to get my rainbow? i really don't think so. i think that these things just happen. God knows what he's doing. he very well could have surprised us with our rainbow pregnancy even if elizabeth were with us.

so maybe that's somewhere you don't need to allow your mind to go. this is just my humble opinion, but you didn't have to lose nolan to get cc. cc would not necessarily NOT be here had nolan made it. and nobody is going to think you're "over" the loss of nolan just because you are blissfully happy with cc (anyone who does is a complete moron). there is so, so much love to go around.

Diana @Hormonal Imbalances said...

Thank you for writing this. I've wondered how you deal with those thoughts of one being in your arms because the other isn't - and it was beautifully put. Although of course it made me tear up for you.

Jessica said...

I been battling those questions lately. Such a mix of emotions (hugs)

Jill said...

So beautifully written Ashley! I feel the same exact way and have had the same thoughts you have had. I always look at Sadie and think oh how blessed am I and yet I cry and earn to have Naomi back but then Sadie most likely would not be here. You are doing amazing! and CC is adorable ! I am SO SO SO glad we finally met. I keep thiking in my head, I cant believe I met sweet Ashley, and yet I wish so badly it wasnt under these circumstances but I am glad we were able to bond and talk and have our sweet rainbow babies meet. I hope we can do it again and SOON! xoxoxox much love