Sunday, January 31, 2010

Crashing down

I feel like the world as I used to know it is crashing down. I sit here and have so many thoughts racing through my head. Once again, the grief comes when you least expect it and it floods my brain with so many emotions. I'm sure the hype of the Duggar special started all these emotions. I just started thinking about 'our story' and all the emotions that came with that day.

I'm sick of grief, I am sick of feeling like something is constantly being dangled over my head. I am so tired of waking up and remember what my new normal is. I am exhausted from thinking what Nolan would look like or being doing right now. I wonder what Chris' and I routine would be. Just sick of wondering. I want to be experiencing!!!

I'm so tired of feeling like I need to keep the strong face. I am barely hanging on most days, but society wants to see that I am moving on and being strong. Geesh, all my readers even say how strong I am and I try to hold that and lie to myself that I am, but I really am not. I'm not.

Want to know what else I am so tired of?
Sad music. Half these songs I never would have known of if we never lost Nolan. But now that's my comfort. I would so much rather be listening to lullaby's and nursery rhymes.

I am sick of wondering when it will be our time to enjoy and have a family at home. It consumes my thoughts if we will ever get there. I shouldn't even have these, Nolan should be home with us. It's not the getting pregnant part, it's the 'nourishing' the baby while it's in my stomache will it ever make it to 36 weeks part. It's exhausting to think of.

I am sad that I avoid listening to Nolan's song at all costs to avoid the emotion. I can't even watch his video on my sidebar because I am so afraid of that breakdown. I should be watching his video all the time, its the only memory I have.

I'm so over avoiding other babies, but until we have our own in our arms, it will be that way. I hate it.
I'm so tired of feeling like the elephant in the room at work. I am tired of being "that girl" that lost her baby" I want to be happy like all my other friends with babies.
I'm sick of feeling jealous of what we don't have.

I'm sad that I have not gone back to visit Nolan since that one day last week. I am so afraid to go back and see no flowers, no life and no color at his site that I know I will fall into more tears if I go. What the hell is wrong with me? I just remind myself that MAYBE the church is getting ready to set up the statue and everything that we had arranged but I still haven't called to confirm.

I miss Nolan. I can't even put into words what this feels like. I look at his pictures and dammit, he was so perfect. Why him? Why us? He was a perfectly formed baby, I grew him- it's just amazing.

I am just so tired of grief. Tired of it being part of my life and every time I think I am feeling a little better, it shows up in odd ways. I'm so tired of feeling left behind and left out.

I'm going to go finish crying myself a river and get it all out for the time being. I tried to write it out because it usually helps, but tonight... I'm only half way there.


Saffy said...

Not long after my son Ben died I read a quote that went something like "Nothing in this world can make me afraid anymore because I have looked hell in the face and survived". You may think you're not strong, but I'll bet that you're stronger than you're giving yourself credit for.

I think how you're feeling, in the abnormal circumstances, is pretty normal. I too hated being "the girl whose baby died" to people who knew me, but then I also hated being the "yuppie career girl who's too selfish to have kids" to the people who didn't know me - and it's not like you walk around wearing a t-shirt saying "My baby's dead - next question" is it?

To this day, 8 years on, I still play mind games with myself like "what if I'd managed to hold onto him for an extra week"... "what if I'd insisted that the NICU try a different vent".

I get the nourishing the baby bit too. I was terrified of having another baby because I felt so bad about Ben and was so afraid of putting another baby in that situation of being IUGR and delivered so terribly early. It took me YEARS to pluck up the guts to do it again.

When you're ready to go there again, I'd be happy to 'hold' your hand - pregnancy no. 2 was the scariest thing I've ever done - but incredibly rewarding.

Sorry this is so long ;)

Franchesca Cox said...

No words, just me too, tired right there with you.


Lauren said...

I'm sorry your feeling this way, Ashley. I've been there, then it gets a little better, and then I go right back for seemingly no reason. It's frustrating going back and forth, when we naturally try to just move forward with everything. Grief isn't like that though. It's totally unpredictable.

Love you, hang in there...

Jessica said...

Not just tired, but exhausted....feeling that pain with you. *huge hugs* One day I feel that feeling of just being tired of it all will go away. Missing our babies will never go away, but I honestly believe we will start to feel an acceptable amount of normalcy one day. Thinking of you and Nolan.

Carly K. said...

Ashley, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. That any of us do. I just want you to know that your feelings are SO normal. I can tell you that I understand, and I wish I had the answers for you. Just know that I, and others, are here for you. Lots of love to you.

SgtEriksWife said...

Ashley, I cried for you today. Again. My heart breaks for your heartache, your grief and your precious little boy.
Our hugs to you & Chris... and know that we think of Nolan always!!

*Laura said...

Your post Ashley made me cry. I just cannot believe there are so many women with this pain. Though I wish I never met you (well at least under our circumstances), im so glad I did! I feel 110% what you feel. The anxiety and emotioins come out of nowhere and its like hell all over again. Im hoping to get pregnant in May but scared to death! What I like to think is that we will all have eachother through this...people who know...people who understand...people who when we say "oh this symptom is probably normal" will say uh no its not go to L&D. Yesterday I went to the doctor (just for my cough and feeling liek crap) and totally had a panic attack, from seeing the bp machines and crap. My Bp went way up and im nto even pregnant so I cant imagine what it will be like when I am. Like I said I feel 199% of what your feeling, and there are no words and nothing that will ever help unless we can have a rewind button in life and just rewind time or fast forward it to a better time in the future...but we dont...all we have is eachother and other who have experienced our situation as well!

u_talk2much said...

I pray for you so often. I have never come close to experiencing the pain that you have had to endure. I am waiting with the hope of clicking on your blog one day and seeing you say that you are going to have a family. I pray that you get to see all of the milestones that you speak of in your posts. The pain I am not sure it ever goes away considering my mother still has pain in her eyes on Valentines day. She lost my brother a year before finding out about me and from the stories I have heard nearly went insane with her grief. I pray for you and your husband to experience the joys that I have had. You are stronger than you think your are!

Holly said...

I avoid looking at pregnant bellies and babies. Family and friends I can handle but not strangers. Can't do it yet.

cathy said...

hugs hugs hugs.. This is too much heartache for anyone to experience... there are just somethings that I will never understand why they have to happen. It is an amazing thing that you were able to grow Nolan.. just stupid pre-e that took him away. UGHHH! I am always thinking of you, Chris, and Nolan... and his future siblings. I am also glad that you have found people that know exactly what you are talking about, though I wish none of you had to ever know each other. So many hugs.

cmatsukes said...

I can imagine the pain of death because I have lost so many so close to me and loved so, although not babies it still hurts and yes I still grieve. But I have to tell you I think avoiding babies is not the answer maybe that will fill your loss alittle just a thought and less stress over it might increase your chances to conceive again stress is a killer for all other emotions just a thought you however have to do what is right for you but sometimes change can be the best thing for mind, body and soul. Love and hugs Aunt Chris.

Marie W said...

Oh Ashley, I am so sorry. I can completely relate to everything in your post. Sending you hugs all the way from ft. lauderdale.

Emily Ruth said...

I stumbled on your blog tonight and wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. As a fellow baby-lost Mama, I ache for you. I ache for us. I'm just so sorry...

Beth said...

I'm sorry. I'm tired with you for sure. I'm tired of being told I'm strong. What makes me so strong? I have no choice but to do what I do, and I dont really recognize the strength. Like your first commenter said, we're probably stronger than we give ourselves credit for, but I'd rather be weak and have my baby.

Laura said...

I am sorry I have no words other than I think of you and Nolan OFTEN. My continued prayers are with you! *HUGS*