Wednesday, May 18, 2011

196.6 in numbers

10 years in 2 years. I stumbled across some picture DVDs yesterday and uploaded them to find pictures of 2007 & 2008. Those 2 years where some of my fondest memories. 2007 brought on my first home, my first grown-up purchase, an engagement, a part time job teaching for the college, and my brother even lived with us while going to RT school. We had cookouts, parties, karaoke gigs, Christmas with not only family but all our friends. 2008 we got to plan and have our dream wedding, travel all over and at that time, everything seemed to be right on track. Perfect. Even my gosh darn wedding dress was perfect.
First Day as Clinical Associates

Engaged! Finally! In St Johns!!

Happy Family

I was skinny (although I begged to differ at the time), my hair looked healthy, my smile was genuine and most of all, I had no burden. Nothing holding me back, nothing on the back of my mind constantly. Nothing that could break me, because in my little world: I was on top. I was in the "it can't happen to me" mindset.

Fast forward to 2009, specifically the summer. I was tired of the grief, overwhelmed with the anxiety, ate my way through my feelings. I felt like I drowned in my own sorrow and self pity. I felt knocked down to nothing. Everything that once made me happy before was just a mere nothing now. All I wanted was the dream and vision that was suppose to be. Our Nolan.

The next year took a toll on me, I restarted a pregnancy, began to pick up the pieces, started to revise our dream. Then July 13th happened. It happened in a second. A tiny little second while my brother was driving to work, just as I was doing the same. I find out he never made it to work.

At that moment, grief struck. It struck in a different way. I became the "strong" one. The one who knew it was in my best health to hold it together, knowing I could grieve this one later. I still felt every part, I just chose not to hyper focus on it. I couldn't, I needed to be there for my mom and dad. I needed to show them strength. The LAST thing they needed was to worry about me and my pregnancy.

Then September hit, multiple hospital admissions making this pregnancy just as high risk as my last. My amazing and ever loving OB new it was in our best interest to take me out of work. It was the best decision she made besides the Lovenox injections.

October came, Grandpa passed unexpectedly after a routine surgery. Since it happened at my hospital, I was part of some of the behind the scenes while he was crashing. Once again, memories come flying back from the night we watched Nolan code.

Grief. It started to seem part of my life as if it where normal. It was heartbreaking that death was part of my everyday life just as it was at work.

3 days after I had CC, I was on a high. Nothing could bring me down. Our life felt as close to normal as possible. Our dream came true, just in a bittersweet way. I was starting my maternity leave and I was determined to enjoy every second. That was, until I got the call that my position at work had to be filled and I would most likely not be returning to my home. My job of 5 years with those who held my hand the past year. I was absolutely devastated.
Yes, I found a new position with in our system with the help of some pretty amazing & caring people. It took a lot of courage to start new right off maternity leave. It was a brand new beginning. I embraced it and owned it and now I count my blessings with how happy I am.

New baby, new job, new home, new friends. But I still look so tired and run down. No drug or pill can fix it. No photo editing can help this look.

Who would think that 2 years later, my son and these 2 would be in Heaven together.

I look healthy, awake, skinny, skin was glowing. My eyes screamed FUN. I was fun!

Grief has caught up in every way. I'm tired all the time. I should start using concealer on my eyes (I don't wear make-up everyday- but should start). My weight... Oh god my weight. My skin is a mess and my wrinkles on my eyes have got to be from the gallons of tears I've cried the past 2 years.

So after seeing these pictures, I decided to take ownership. I want my old self back, and since that's impossible to return to that state of mind, I'll start on the physical aspect. Because emotionally, you are forever changed.

This past Monday, May 16th I stepped on my scale for my first Nutrisystem weigh-in. That's right Nutrisystem. (thanks BA, I heart you)

I need my body & health back. I need to start somewhere. I find every excuse in the book to eat awful. I'm too busy to cook healthy (oh please, I only work 3 nights a week), and who has time to cook before heading to work at 5:30pm? Yes, lame excuses but I need stomp these habits, start somewhere.

At our wedding, I weighed 155. I worked hard all year on Weight Watchers to rock that kick ass dress and I did it.
And with Nolan I gained A LOT of weight towards the end. I went up to 192 just in 26 weeks. (damn you preeclampsia)

I lost a good chunk, made it back to 167-170 again before getting pregnant again.

But between a subsequent pregnancy and grief sandwiched between, I was bound to gain weight.

So here I am, 5.5 months since giving birth, losing my brother, uncle & Grandpa, technically my job... And

I weigh


(typing that was hard. Real hard. But I need to be accountable) BUT every single pound, every ounce was worth this little man of ours. It's not that I am beating myself up for my weight in numbers, I am fully aware I have been through a lot and I could be way worse. I just want to feel some control and this is my start.

Chris and I started the diet with intentions of learning a new healthy way to eat. We need it especially after moving into the new house in the middle of "fast food meca". We need to stop choosing convenience over health. And this is why Nutrisystem will work for us. It takes the thinking out of it, which I already do enough of...

My goal is to look healthy and happy again. Not look like I aged 10 years, maybe just 5 years. I am sure I am over reacting, but it's true to a point. It's time to start healing in every aspect physically and mentally. I can do this, especially if I survived all that I have and I am still standing. So far.

Most unflattering picture of 196.6lbs. ha!

So here is to a new diet (raises water bottle- Grrr I miss wine) and healthy mind, body and spirit. 


Jessica said...

Girl, you are amazing! You have strength that runs deep.

I haven't been through what you have but we are on the same weight loss journey. I hope we can encourage each other.

Let me know how Nutrisystem works out for ya. Thought about trying it.

Miche said...

You can do it! It has been a rough ride for you but you can do this for you.

I can't wait to see your progress!

Britt said...

Good for you! I'm with you sister... you are an inspiration!

Pretty in Pink Photography said...
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Krystle said...

You have the strength and poise to go on, that many will never attain. You are an amazing woman, AMAZING.
I'm struggling with my weight as well. I've been eating my feelings lately with Morgan being sick on top of Peyton. It's hard. It's not the numbers either, it's just about feeling better & being healthy. I wish you luck on your journey to better your life, for that of your little man here, and in heaven.

Blair said...

You can do it!

You're going to be awesome.

& yes, I fully understand that desire to get the life back in your eyes. This will help. You are going to rock it.

love, love, love.

Elizabeth said...

you are awesome and you'll do great with this next endeavor. and new makeup helps me feel great... but I'm also pretty vain. Still, my advice as a vain girl is to get your makeup done and buy some new stuff. it does a lot for the ego! not that you need it because you are beautiful inside and out. sending you good thoughts.

Anonymous said...

You have triumphed over FAR worse things than that scale.... and you have still managed to come out on top! Best of luck to you! I know that if you put even half as much heart into your weight loss as you have into your family and friends, you will be back where you want your weight to be in no time!

K said...

You're amazing.

Good luck on your weight loss journey.

Anonymous said...

THIS is why I want you to come see us before I leave! I hate that I never got to know you as well as the other girls did, because I think you are an awesome person. I just want to give you a big hug and tell you how beautiful you are, because you are!

Good luck with this - I'm still going to follow your blog even after I move, and I'm trying to find the motivation to start one myself. Come see us!!!

TanaLee Davis said...

You never cease to amaze me. You have been through a lot in the last few years. I have only learned of you in the last two years. But I tell you mom did the Nutrisystem and I tried some of the food and it actually tasted okay.

I totally understand where you come from when you view pictures from the past...I see a young, happy, healthy, care about herself girl when I look at my the mirror shows bagged eyes from all the tears, 'pizza face' scars from all the stress acne, and women without much hope looking back at me.

You can get that body back and tell me your kidding about your hair? I love your hair! Its super cute.


CaSondra Shim said...

You go girl- I commence you for being brave and honest and facing the facts and the beginning. You can do this! Praying for you.

Prather Family said...

I have followed your blog since you lost Nolan and my heart goes out to you. I am so glad you have that beautiful rainbow baby to hold and kiss now. I have to say that I relate to your desire to get your weight and health back. I had a rough pregnancy with my twins, almost losing them at 18 weeks and spending 15 weeks on bed rest before delivering them 8 weeks early. I look back to pictures of my pre-pregnancy days and they are hard to look at compared to how I look now.

I like your positivity and determination to make changes. I wish you luck and I hope to follow in your foot steps. Please post about how things go so we can share in your "good loss" this time.


Lauren said...

Girlfriend, I am right there with you. I completely understand where you are coming from. I look back and reminice on the good years we've had. Where I was on top of the world, before 2009 happened.

I think that its great that you can reflect back on your "happy" pictures and feel inspired. Also, props to you for posting your weight. It does make you accountable and I know you can get back to where you want to be. You are such a strong person and I have no doubt that you will overcome these tough years and will be so much stronger for it.

Love & Hugs!

Abigail said...

I have to give you so much credit for your brutal honesty!! We as women are so hard on ourselves and we never give ourselves enough credit, or other women the uplifting that is sometimes needed. I know how difficult it is to share weight or size so I commend you on that!!! You are an amazing person (from what I have read on your blog) and I know from what I have read that you are one very determined individual. Once you set your mind to something you achieve it. I know this new healthy lifestyle you are trying to implement into your everyday is no different. Good luck to you and your Hubby. You are an inspiration to me to keep doing what I have been doing to stay fit & healthy. It is not easy with your schedule but it can be done when you put yourself first!!!! I know that for me once I was able to make the changes I wanted in my life to get back to a good and healthy weight everything changed and I have become an even happier more upbeat individual. I hope and pray for the same for you!!! We all want to see the sparkle back in your eyes!!! We will be here cheering you on!! I loved all the pics you posted in this post. Good luck!!!

Allison said...

I'm rooting for you! You can do it! Blogging your progress will be perfect motivation & everyone is pulling for you!

Jill said...

Well written Ashley! You have GOT this. Piece of cake, no pun attended! ;) Darn, I wanted to be able to bake one of my goodies IF and WHEN I am able to come and visit you. But if you tell me otherwise, I won't!

You are BEAUTIFUL, absolutely beautiful, inside and out. I am happy you are doing this for you. You have been through way too much, than one has in a lifetime in just 2 years. I think about you and your family daily, I really do. Your brother, your gpa, and sweet Nolan, and all of you.

I am wishing you the BEST of luck as always, and can't wait to "watch" your journey. YOU INSPIRE ME, Ashley.

Hope to see you and your little man and everyone SOON! :) xoxox

PS. Loved the pictures, every single one!

*Laura Angel said...

Your so fantastic for sharing all of this~ hugs sweetie you can do this!!! 196, 126, its all just numbers. I am 146 and I am 5 foot 1 I used to be 120...sigh. Grief sucks

Lisa said...

Good luck Ashley! You can do it. You're a strong woman. Stick to the NS plan and you'll start seeing results. I've lost 34 pounds on Jenny Craig. It wasn't easy and temptations are always within an arms reach but be disciplined. I'm cheering for you. By the way I think your kick ass dress is cute. I hope you saved it so you can rock it again. Best wishes!

The Suburban Princess said...

You show that scale who's boss, girl!

Within four weeks of my son's birth this past January, I lost my grandmother, the woman who practically raised me for most of my life.

Grief and pregnancy are surefire ways to gain weight. I know that all too well.

Good luck! You'll do awesome!

Sar(Mrs.Teddy) said...

Very motivating Ashley! I have been doing weight watchers, which is a great plan however I am REALLY struggling with the time to plan, count & journal. I wish Nutrisystem was in our budget as I think it woudl be my best bet at success. I am eager to watch your journey!

Nicole said...

Girl you are so awesome for putting this all out there for all of us to read. We are in the same boat as far as our weight goes... I gained 24 lbs with Remi at only 24 weeks. Freakin pre e! Then I put on about 15 more with all the emotional eating from depression after. I lost my job from missing so much work and ended up sitting home a lot, and I also dont think the anti depressants helped either. Needless to say I ended up at 194 lbs. It was soooooo hard to see the scale so close to 200! My goal weight is 155 that is a really good weight for me, I am 5'8" so that is thin for me. I am down to 185 which is not close by any means,but I have come to terms with the fact that I probably wont get to my goal weight before I get pregnant again, so my goal weight for now is between 165-170. But I too have quite a bit of weight to lose. If you ever want to vent feel free to get in touch with me. :) Hope Nutrisystem works well for you, I am doing Weight Watchers... Its nice to know there is someone else doin this too. Keep us posted. :)