Thursday, July 2, 2009

Out of tears

As I said.... everyday is different, every hour, every minute. This is all so new to me. Getting up out of bed is my hardest task of the day. I have to drag myself out, but I do it for Nolan. I woke up with Chris as he was getting ready for work. I knew I had plans to go hang at Val's most the night, so I forced myself out of bed to get ready. I was hoping and praying for another "good" night so I figured I would go visit Nolan and maybe even sit and eat my Wendy's with him before going to Val's.

Well here is where it all started....
Preface: The month before Nolan was born, my favorite song was "Beautiful" by Vega, it's the song that was used in his video. I just fit our situation, so I played it a lot. It kind of became his theme song. Well the song is from the movie "My Sister's Keeper" so I figured, why not buy the whole soundtrack. So that's what I did BEFORE I went to bed, I downloaded it off itunes to my phone.

Fast forward... I get in my car with plans to stop and Wendy's for dinner, and go sit with Nolan and eat my Wendy's and "talk". I'm sure it sounds morbid, but I don't get to hold my son or sing him to sleep or ever read him books- so if sitting at his memorial stone and eating dinner is all I can do, so be it. I plugged my phone in and started the new songs on shuffle. All was well until "Amazing Grace" (which I did not know was on the CD) came on and a huge rain cloud started to downpour. There went my plans on visiting Nolan. Then I couldn't stop crying, the music, along with the overwhelming fact my baby isn't here...I just lost it.

I still stopped at Wendy's with hopes that the Florida rain would stop, nope, that's when another song Heaven came on. Still in tears I drive to the church & memorial garden and park my car. I sat there and ate my dinner in the car and listened to his song "Beautiful". I think I needed this cry. It was a sad cry but I needed to let it all out. I talked to him from the car because no umbrella would spare you from this downpour.

So I get to Val's semi-overwhelmed with emotions, but the good thing about Val...we can sit there and not say a word and she still comforts me with silence. Not much was said between us tonight, it was a quiet night. We just sat on our laptops doing our thing. I think it was just one of "those" nights.

I went to leave and realized what time was approaching and decided I was no good alone. So I ran and grabbed Chris some food and drove over to his work to eat with him. 230am, 3 weeks ago...I was holding my Nolan in my arms while they did CPR on him and pronounced him going to heaven. I'm glad I was with Chris when I realized this...It's just one of those things, you loose track of time. And out of nowhere you think, what's today? And it's always on one of "those" days. Like tonight. But having dinner with Chris and talking about other stuff made me feel better and I decided to go home.....

Well as you know form the last post, I have some anxiety about driving past the hospital he was born at, especially on a night that has somewhat of a significance. I must have been in a zone while thing I know I'm being pulled over...RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE HOSPITAL!

I lost it, poor cop. He knew Chris from the academy...I tried explaining and saying I'm sorry he let me go and all. But seriously? Did it have to happen right in front of where I have kind of been avoiding. It's sad that this type of thing bothers me, I mean I have worked many hours in that same hospital. But right now, I don't associate that place with's now associated with "where Nolan put his battle up and had to leave us" So I think I am out of tears for today.

I don't like being like this, but loosing a child takes on a whole new power. It's indescribable as I have said before. I know with in time I will feel better, but right now, the pain still feels like it happened yesterday. Some days I am in shock, some in disbelief and some I am just plain angry at the world. I have had a FEW moments of acceptance, but they don't last long. At least not right now. I never ever thought I would be facing this and I don't think any mother or father should have to. I mean I remember for the past year everytime we met a new baby I would get all giddy and tell Chris I couldn't wait till we had a "lil pumpkin" But I guess it's life and God chose us for a reason. I need to remember that. But on nights like tonight... it just doesn't matter. I miss my son, I saw him fight, and I had hopes he would make just feels like he was ripped out of my arms. And I would do anything to just have him back. Love you Nolan.


cmatsukes said...

Believe it or not you are going through the same grief process I went through with Mike I went to his grave almost everyday for along time and talked with him but you know what I still go there and talk with him to this day I was actually there the day before I founnd out about Nolans passing so that was really strange and I was there the day he was born too it was not a good week for me Mike was on my mind alot so when that happens I go there and I know others think this is strange but I feel better and renewed after that. I know this might not help you but for you to know others have those feelings about there special ones in heaven might help you to know that this normal for you to do these things and have these feelings. Thinking about you Love aunt chris.

Christina said...

We're thinking of you and Chris knowing that even though it's been three weeks it still feels like yesterday to you and your family. Keeping all of you in our thoughts and prayers. Sending hugs (as much as can be done through ethernet/broadband internet lines).

cathy said...

This is so beautiful and you are such a great mommy. Nolan, you were the most amazing little boy and so so strong. We miss you so much.. thank you for what you have taught me and my family about life and how to take nothing for granted. You truely were a gift straight from Heaven, and now Heaven is blessed to have you back. Thank you for helping your mommy and daddy become closer than ever, and even though they miss you so so so much more than words can describe.. they will always feel you near to their hearts. You have prepared them to be even better parents to your future brother or sister, and only you could have given them that gift. We love and miss you little guy..