Little Man CC

This little man sure is getting a personality.

Sports Bra Back Fat is sexy…just sayin

So tonight, we embarked upon the Couch 2 5K journey once again. Holy hell, how did we ever get to week 6 last year! I swear, just putting my workout clothes made me feel huge! The shirt I wore to last years 5k is now tight, my sports bra gave me back fat and I wore my yoga pants unfolded because I felt like I needed something spanx-like to feel comfortable. Shoot, even my damn shoes were too snug, even my feet gained weight! HA!

I need to get healthy again, back to my 155 wedding weight. This 188 is the result of 2 back to back pregnancies with a little big of grief weight sandwiched in between and it needs to go, like STAT.

I do miss my pregnant belly, the BIG round belly. Yup. No need to suck in or wear spanx and the full panel maternity jeans are a life savor. Wait, they still are. It’s been 7 weeks, and granted I have lost a lot of the weight, I am STILL wearing my favorite pair of maternity jeans. They don’t give me muffin top like my size AE jeans, which was confirmed today is sill there. At least I can button the damn things, now I need to start working on this body and get it back to a healthy size. I’m not being too hard on myself, I do have to remember I have been pregnant more in the past 2 years than I haven’t.

So here we go, I’m kissing my comfort food goodbye and putting on my running shoes.. I have a 5K to run on March 5th for Piper! (Probably more walking than running because those big plans I blogged about in that link were a little hyped up- what the hell was I thinking?)

 

Week 1, Day 1….

Genuine Smiles

It’s been a long time, but these smiles are so real. Despite what’s missing, I haven’t felt THIS good in a long long time.

And I am not the only one smiling…

Baby Instructions, naw

Holy cow! I am ALIVE! I swear I am still around. This little guy over here is taking up 99.999% of my free time. I am seriously worried about how I will work this all when I go back to work. (sigh)

So I think I am finally figuring this newborn thing out. I don’t sleep, I live for sales on diapers, I wear yoga pants 100% of the time, I say I am going to work out everyday only to find myself having a glass of wine instead and I am constantly chasing the next feeding. Life is good. It’s mostly puppies and rainbows at this address. Every time I have gone to complain, I catch myself real quick remembering I would die to have had that chance with Nolan, so ya needless to say I am a pretty exhausted yet VERY happy mom.

Things have gone pretty smoothly around here. We laugh because all that worrying I did before he was born about not feeling ready or not knowing how to mother is not even an issue. I didn’t read one book on how to bring a newborn home, I am not sure why, probably because I avoided most “what to expect while expecting books” I mean… they didn’t have a section for my type of pregnancy so why bother. I DID read a book on Pregnancy after loss and found it pretty helpful. But other than that, nothing. But when he arrived, despite the first 24 hours of holy shits, we figured it out. I guess it came pretty natural, the feedings, diapering, sleeping… all of it.

Yet, it threw us off when he kept crossing his eyes those first few days. Chris finally spoke up and asked about it and I told him to Google it because I had no idea. He refused to Google it because he knew Dr Google would probably tell us our kids eyes were going to blow up and fall out and to take him strait to the ER. HA!

So I called a close friend and asked if her sons eyes did the same, she laughed and said it was normal. It wasn’t until a week or two later when we FINALLY read the packet the Dr gave us we realized the first page of the 14 page packet had a WHOLE paragraph about the eye crossing debacle. Chris laughed because he said he buys a DVD player and he comes home and reads the manual to install it, yet we bring a human home and didn’t read a single thing until a week and a half later and we still made out.

So for all you expecting and worried about the same things I was, DON’T stress, it comes natural and you will find yourself laughing at some of the dumbest things.

It’s been an adventure and I need to make a better effort at blogging all these crazy times because more than anything I want to look back and laugh my ass off. I have SO many pictures and videos to share I have no idea where to start. I think since the monster is sleeping, I should attempt to get a head start.

Justifying change

Kinda feel like my life is changing, priorities have shifted and I'm worried about friendships drifting. I'm happy it's changing in one aspect, been waiting for THAT change for a long time. But with that change, it seems like life gets in the way of current relationships and for some reason I am really bumming about it. I try to tell myself that it's just temporary but it's really not.

2 days after coming home from the hospital with CC, I learned that my position at work had to be filled since I had been on leave so long and needed to fill the needs of the business. I think this is where a lot of my feelings come from. Now, when returning from maternity leave I am starting at a new hospital, with new co-workers, new experiences, new things to learn. Over all just a new start, I consider it a blessing in a sense. BUT, I am really really going to miss the kind of work I did, the people I worked with and Drs I worked under, AND all my friends I worked with. I was looking forward to returning to my hospital and having the welcome back most get coming off maternity leave.

But the thing is, since that happened, I stopped hearing from friends.
I'm going with the mindset that after the past 2 years, and with our new arrival.... It's just time for a fresh start. New friends, new lifestyle, hopefully new home soon and new opportunities at work. I just have to accept the change... Most things all happen for a reason.

I'm just sick of trying to justify why changes happen, I'm always trying to find the good in the situation, when sometimes I just want to scream..."it's not fair" or what the heck did I do to deserve this?

Although, I have CC and that's all that really matters. And because of him and a new position, a whole group of new friends have come into my life and I am so excited about these new connections.

And now that I have that off my chest, I can go back go my normal blogging and post more of this handsome little man.

1 month old!

Seriously, I blinked my eyes and he grew. Where is my little 5lb preemie because now he is pushing 7lbs.

    

    

 

1 month old…

Still in newborn diapers and clothes

Still has his day and nights mixed up, he definitely takes after his mama and her night shift ways

He’s not a huge fan of tummy time and last only a few minutes. BUT his head is SO strong for his size.

OH! and he freaking rolled over last night! Seriously, where is the pause button!?

I can’t believe it’s been a month since we brought him home, our lives have taken a change for the best and we are loving every minute. I just wish he would slow down because before I know it, he will be graduating college. AHHH! It’s so funny because the entire pregnancy I prayed and prayed that he would grow and now that he is out and healthy, I just want him to slow it down a bit. Crazy.

Savor

They told me not to blink my eyes and isn't that the truth. It feels like just yesterday we were calling our friends and family at midnight to gather at the hospital to welcome our little man 5 days early. Just one month ago Ashley, CCs godmother placed him in my arms for the first time in the OR and I was in complete shock that he was ours.

Now it's a month later and motherhood is exactly what I dreamed of, it's a perfect match of amazing and exhausting. I craved these moments, good and bad so in all honesty I'm not even bothered by the late nights, because I know what silence has felt like the past 18 months.

I do have a mental struggle juggling my grief for Nolan and my gratitude for CC. It's an awkward position as a mother to think that if Nolan was still here, CC would not be. How can a mother balance the "omg your amazing, but your here because your brother isn't" I know and accept it's Gods plan. (Holy cow, did I just say I "accepted") but it's still a process of grief that comes after a sibling comes after a loss. Because I wish we could just have them both.

I love him just as much as his big brother. I find it so hard to find the words to describe how I feel, but for now I am just so thankful God gave us another child to love on and experience. The loss of Nolan truly taught Chris and I how to savor every second, embrace every part of parenthood and love harder than we have ever loved before. I love more because I know how fragile life is and how quickly it can change. I never thought those last hours we spent with Nolan his last night would be our last, only hours later we were pleading and begging with God at his issolette to bring his heartbeat back which we watched him code. That morning leaving the hospital with empty arms made me a different person. It forever changed me and my perspective on life. Granted it's been a LONG LONG LONG road of grief to even realize this much. I know there are many more realizations and lessons to come.

Although, I'll question everyday why Nolan isn't here, what Gods plan was and still is. But for now I plan on savoring every single second and appreciate all that life brings us in the future. It's finally our turn to feel normal as we can as parents.

So for now, I'll savor and know Nolan made me a better person, a better parent and gave me a true appreciation for the gift of life.

A new year

I don’t have much to say, I had this whole post drafted about kissing 2010 good-bye, welcoming 2011 and all my hopes and dreams for the coming year. I recapped our past year and quite frankly it was just too damn depressing to see it all written out. The only thing that came out of last year that was of any good was our baby boy and he ended up being our light of 2010.

So I had this whole post written out, but then we went to visit Nolan, my brother and grandpa after church yesterday and my Dad got these pictures and they pretty much sum up our past 18 months. There are no words really needed. When we buried Nolan, I never in a million years would of thought my brother would be placed next to him and months later..my grandpa. Heartbreaking. Enough is enough.

I am ready to see good things happen in our future, ready to start new beginnings, but I just wish the pain would go away and that is going to take a long time.