Giving away a piece of Nolan

When I got pregnant with Nolan, millions of fun images flooded my head. Our first ultrasound, baby shopping, nursery planning, you name it- I dreamt it.

I lived everything baby, I was constantly thinking of the best stroller to register for or most practical diaper bag to buy. But most of all, I was obsessed with his nursery. I literally spent HOURS online finding inspiration for the perfect nautical nursery, he was our cruise ship baby.

What color should the walls be? What type of things should we hang on the walls, and OMG.. BEDDING! I have to find the perfect bedding. I think this was the only form of nesting I ever got to do.

Oh and let me tell you, I found the PERFECT bedding. Yup, I spent $250 on freaking nursery bedding. I just HAD to have it! Chris thought I lost my marbles when I choked up how much I spent on my Gap Baby bedding. But it was PEERRRRRFECT! Simple, not cartoon-y, blue and matched the exact color I wanted to paint the walls.

SOLD.

I was so darn excited about Nolan's nursery, it was my sense of normalcy I think.

But come June 11th, all that registering, planning and dreaming went out the door. I had to face the pure cold fact that none of that mattered anymore, we weren't bringing a baby home. We weren't going to set a crib up, not going to need that stroller we registered for and most of all his nursery was no longer a nursery, it was a room of memory.

"We also finished your old nursery tonight and it looks so perfect Nolan. I stood there in the middle of the room and just got so sad thinking about how it's not the same without a crib and changing table. I'm heartbroken I have a nursery for my son that you will never see. But I can tell you, it's absolutely perfect. I am so happy we didn't change the color of the room after we got home from the hospital. I will ALWAYS think of that room as YOUR room, even when you have a little brother or sister, it will still be your room. We also hung your nautical chart, and it looks awesome. But today was also hard putting away all your perfect little clothes I started collecting as soon as we found out you were a boy. I didn't look at any of them, I just quickly threw them in a tote and shoved it in the closet along with your bedding and mommy's maternity clothes. I hope we get to use all them again sometime in the future."

(a piece from this blog post)

All that is missing is a crib, his bedding and Nolan. Otherwise his room would have been perfect!

Weeks passed and all his stuff was shoved into his closet not to be seen for a long time. I couldn't bear to look at it, let alone get rid of it. But there is one thing I thought I could never part with- his perfect nautical anchor bedding.

I had thought about things to do, sell it, do a giveaway and raise money & awareness to Preeclampsia, throw it out. I didn't know. Nothing seemed right, or maybe I just wasn't ready. We never got the crib, so it was just sitting in the closet still folded perfectly into the plastic cylinder. There was questions if I would ever use it for a future baby, but now that I am here especially with another boy, I don't want to use it. I don't want his little brother to have Nolan's stuff. That was Nolan's identity, Nolan's things and this baby deserves his own. Not saying a little of Nolan's things here and there won't hurt. But his bedding is too near and dear to my heart.

Until I started thinking, it does me no good for perfectly good bedding to go to waste for the next 20 years in a closet. Anchors or not, I need to do something with it. But what to do?

I decided if there was 1, and I mean 1 person on this Earth that I would want to have his bedding, it in no way would be a stranger, coworker or shoot even an acquaintance. I feel it has more meaning to that, and no stranger could ever understand why I would have tears rolling down my face as I hand them crib bedding. Who would do that? Cry over nursery bedding? A mother who has lost their baby that was suppose to use that. Me.

So I am giving this bedding to Baby Kooper. My best friend Amy understands this more than any stranger ever could, she understands the meaning to it. I told her tonight that I wanted Kooper to have Nolan's bedding for when he comes home and she was so touched. She said she feels like he will have an extra watch over him using that bedding. I just feel like he is the one baby that deserves his bedding, that I feel comfortable parting with this bedding. It's a piece of Nolan I am ready to give, it just had to be to the right person.

And that's my dear friend, Amy.

I look forward to hearing all about Kooper's nursery and seeing pictures. I need to get this in the mail soon, because that little guy is coming home soon and it's so freaking exciting!

So I am proud of myself for letting go of a small piece, but most importantly I am proud a miracle baby gets to use Nolan's anchor bedding. A baby with a Mother that unfortunately understands loss all too well.

We miss you Kalli & Nolan, more than you kids will ever know!