I'm scared. What if I am getting my hopes and dreams up for nothing. What if it's all going to be ripped away from us again? I hate that I am not in control! Here I am, laying here with a perfectly healthy baby growing inside of me, but I cant help but wonder if my body will fail him. Will he end up in NICU? Am I ready for that type of roller coaster again? NO, I'm not... I know the bad side, I know how common it really is. I know the horror stories, not just me, but of many friends.
I'm terrified. This week is just extra hard on me. It's the last week Nolan survived in my tummy before my body decided to give up. In all honestly, when the nurses ask if I am allergic to anything, I say pregnancy (with sarcasm in my voice). They shake their head at me and console me, but it's how I feel. My body just isn't a fan of it.
I guess what I am saying is, I am attempting to prepare I myself for the worst even though I have been quite positive for the best. I think the thoughts are always in the back of my mind. I think it's the week weighing on me right now. I'm scared. It feels too good to be true that we could have a baby in December, we could have a normal experience, our dreams come true.
I am just living week to week, I will be SO happy if we get to Halloween and I get to dress my belly up, and I know it's so close yet so far. I am one week away from the day I delivered Nolan and I am just praying this week goes smoothly. 26 weeks +1 day is SO close I can taste it. We will actually order his crib and bedding and go buy his dresser and even go register (gasp), a task that I have been dreading the whole pregnancy. But when your best friend and Mom are planning the 'shower of the century', I guess I have to do that minor task to many but emotionally draining task to me. I just hope it doesn't end up haunting me like last time.
So pray for this week to go smoothly, pray I am still pregnant and healthy come Sunday when I am more pregnant than I have ever been before. I just want to taste what motherhood feels like here on Earth so bad.