Saturday, September 18, 2010

Fast forward through week 25

I'm scared. What if I am getting my hopes and dreams up for nothing. What if it's all going to be ripped away from us again? I hate that I am not in control! Here I am, laying here with a perfectly healthy baby growing inside of me, but I cant help but wonder if my body will fail him. Will he end up in NICU? Am I ready for that type of roller coaster again? NO, I'm not... I know the bad side, I know how common it really is. I know the horror stories, not just me, but of many friends.

I'm terrified. This week is just extra hard on me. It's the last week Nolan survived in my tummy before my body decided to give up. In all honestly, when the nurses ask if I am allergic to anything, I say pregnancy (with sarcasm in my voice). They shake their head at me and console me, but it's how I feel. My body just isn't a fan of it.

I guess what I am saying is, I am attempting to prepare I myself for the worst even though I have been quite positive for the best. I think the thoughts are always in the back of my mind. I think it's the week weighing on me right now. I'm scared. It feels too good to be true that we could have a baby in December, we could have a normal experience, our dreams come true.

I am just living week to week, I will be SO happy if we get to Halloween and I get to dress my belly up, and I know it's so close yet so far. I am one week away from the day I delivered Nolan and I am just praying this week goes smoothly. 26 weeks +1 day is SO close I can taste it. We will actually order his crib and bedding and go buy his dresser and even go register (gasp), a task that I have been dreading the whole pregnancy. But when your best friend and Mom are planning the 'shower of the century', I guess I have to do that minor task to many but emotionally draining task to me. I just hope it doesn't end up haunting me like last time.


So pray for this week to go smoothly, pray I am still pregnant and healthy come Sunday when I am more pregnant than I have ever been before. I just want to taste what motherhood feels like here on Earth so bad.

20 comments:

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I will keep you in my prayers. I will pray for your peace and comfort.

Jen said...

As always, you and the Lil One are in my thoughts.
((Hugs))

K said...

You hang in there honey... this kid has something very important going for him that poor sweet Nolan did not, and that is his size - he's a moose! That alone makes his chances quite good, not to mention the fact that you ARE going to be able to drag this pregnancy out for at least several more weeks, if not months! You are in my prayers - I know this must be so heartwrenching and terrifying.

cmatsukes said...

Keep breathing take a deep breath keep yourself busy this week and Sunday will be here shortly. You have a bigger baby and a good placenta you will make it this time. Keep up what you are doing and you will get through please let me know when you have the shower planned. Hugs and prayers Aunt Chris.

MissingYouAlways said...

You and baby boy will be in my prayers. and while I wish I had magic words to tell you, to take all your fears away, I know its impossible.
I am thinking much like u this week, as I am 5 days away from the gestation I lost my jordan, and ive already had a weeks stay in the hospital... It is so sad that we have lost the innocence of pregnancy - what should be a joyous, carefree time is filled with anxiety and fear
One of the hardest things for me to realize that I have absolutely no control over the situation, I could do everything right and still get burned.

so just take it day by day sweets. I know its hard <3

krousehouse said...

I know how hard these days and weeks are, and I know nothing anyone says will make it better short of a guarantee, which no one can give. So, I'll say I'm praying for you and this baby, many people are praying for you and this baby. I can't wait to be congratulating you on a healthy baby boy.

Ashley said...

I've been saying prayers for you and your family for about a year.... I can't wait for December!

croleyc69 said...

Keeping you in my prayers.

Caroline

Christinie said...

Praying for PEACE and CALM to overtake you!

klarsen said...

You are in my prayers, Ashley. I know its so scary. xoxo

"M" said...

My thoughts are with you chickie!!! I think you are VERY brave <3

Tami said...

You are definitely in my prayers. I hope this next week goes by super smoothly and brings you peace!

jamie said...

i know how scary it can be - hugs to you

Lori said...

You have every reason to be scared and nervous--I always tell people who give me the "Be positive" line that I'm not being negative, I'm being realistic. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. It's natural and human and expected.

So I just pray this week goes through quickly and with peace and assurance that that sweet belly is going to look adorable at Halloween and that sweet boy will be beautiful in December!!

Erin said...

You poor thing. Just hang in there, every day that passes is another wonderful day of being pregnant. I can kind of understand how you are feeling, my water broke at 30w4d -- and I think that if I were ever pregnant again, I would fear that day.

Good luck, I hope this week flies by for you uneventfully.

Cactus Rose89 said...

Praying for you and your sweet baby boy!!!

Sara said...

Praying every day for you! The only thing we have is today. The only thing we will ever have is today. I worried like crazy through my rainbow baby pregnancy too, but I also really tried to remember each day that she was ok inside of me and that I was blessed to have that day.

Many, many, many prayers!

johannaknip said...

I will pray for you sweet baby and for you.

Jessica said...

I totally get this. I am 31 weeks and a part of me still worries about my body failing him. (hugs) praying :)

Allison said...

Saying lots of prayers for you & the little guy!!