Thursday, September 9, 2010

Viability Anxiety

Here I am, 24 weeks and entering a stage of viability. But what does it mean for me? It means I have a chance, there is a sliver of hope that if preeclampsia decides to show it's ugly rear, we have a chance in the NICU. I am so thankful to be 24 weeks, it really makes this feel like a possibility. But the next few weeks I am going to be an anxious mess, bless those who are around me.
I'm sure I will pay more attention to my BP, constantly checking for swelling, heartburns will scare me and god forbid I get a headache. (My poor OB office and OB triage)

It was 24 weeks when it all started last time. Little did we know what was ahead of us, but looking back all the signs were there. My face swelled up, Nolan stopped moving as frequently, ankles turned to cankles and the "heartburn attacks" started up. I was on a downward coaster and had no idea. I remember laying in the bathroom at my friends birthday party trying to get Nolan to move. I poked, shook and pushed on Nolan in hopes he would liven up, but nothing. I will always remember that moment. If I only knew the things I know now.

I pray, hope, plead and wish that these next 2 weeks fly by with no problems, I want to pass 26 weeks and be more pregnant than I have ever been before. I want nothing more than to keep this baby in until December, no matter how uncomfortable I may be, how funny I look when I walk or how bad my back hurts. I want to make it to our 36 week goal, so so so bad. But then reality sinks in and I remember the possibility of this baby making an appearance in just a few weeks.

Easiest way to put it, I live week to week, just as Amy had guest blogged here just 11 days later Kooper was born.
FEAR is my middle name right now, I have been waiting for the bottom of the barrel to fall out. I am literally a ticking time bomb.....just waiting for something bad to happen. I know that isn't a way to live.

Everyone tells me to think positive, I did and look where it got me. I have to think realistically so that I don't get bulldozed again.“I will let you be positive for me...I have to stay real to body is the one going through this.”

I know that I am pregnant, but it still hurts when people tell me that they are. I am not here to judge, but I don't take being pregnant lightly anymore! I did it the right way and I still can't figure out what I did to deserve this. I know it is the devil testing me and my faith, but he back off!

From day to day and even hour to hour or minute by minute my feelings change. I am excited about the possibility of new life. I am terrified that my body is going to fail, I know that it will, but when? I can't even dream of having a 4 lb. baby, just let it be a healthy 2 lbs - if that is even possible.

I don't get think like “normal” people do and my friends and family respect that. They love me for me and the ones that haven't been around or don't like what I have to say, have found other people to talk to. That is fine with me and you will have to understand that I can't be that person for you.

I am in a selfish battle right now for my baby and my life. I don't have to tell you how high risk this pregnancy is for me.

I just want to get through the next few weeks calmly with no roadblocks or complications. I say my prayers every night. I wear my St Gerard medal every hour of every single day, given to me by Ashley, my close friend and happens to also be the OB nurse who will deliver this baby, granted I make it to my scheduled C-section. I watch my body like a hawk and I embrace every single moment. Even if it's just laying on my couch and watching my stomach move back and forth and bounce up and down, because to me, that's a new moment we never experienced before.

Charlie is up there working his miracles close to God and I know he is fighting for Chris and I to take this baby home and holding my baby up there close to him. I just have to have trust, but it doesn't mean that fear is absent.


Kerrymarie said...

I know it's hard but you just need to relax and remember that in a way, whatever will happen, will happen regardless. There is not much you can do. Stay strong :)

Jayme said...

I remember thinking if I could just make it to viability, I'd feel better... but of course then you just want to make it further.

For me, once the pre-e starts, I usually get another week or two out of the pregnancy, so as I monitored myself for symptoms I always thought... ok, well my BP is high today- so that means I'll get to about XX weeks if this is it, and always those extra two weeks made me feel better and calmed me down.

cmatsukes said...

I feel you will go all the way so I will be your confidence I can respect what you feel it is natural. So just keep doing what you have been doing alot of rest, eat well and think as positive as you can.. Love your metal Gerard was my Mikes middle name you have alot of angels looking over you. Hugs Aunt Chris.

Debby said...

Keeping you in my prayers.

mrslinares said...

Praying for you!!

Erin said...

Keeping you and your LO in my T&P!!

Jill said...

Awe Ashley, you are doing just WONDERFULLY. And I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE that belly picture. SO FREAIN ADORABLE! :) made me smile!

I was like you the whole time in this pregnancy, waiting and waiting and watching for that very first symptom to pop up, I would say my bp started changing a little.

But there are so many that have managed a PRE E OR HELP FREE pregnancy second time around. You may very well be one of them, I am cheering you on along with Naomi, Nolan, and Charlie. You are doing everything, just hang in there day by day, week by week, before you know it you will be making that 27+ week marks, I just know it. xoxoxoxo

Lori said...

Hooray for being here!! Even more hoorays for getting there!!! I'm so hopeful for you and pray that every day brings you closer to even more reassurance and less anxiety!!!!


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Lori said...
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Cecilia said...

I don't have any advice as I struggle with the same thing. I'm trying to enjoy the right now, but I know it's easier said than done.

Holly said...

Praying for you to make it all the way. It sounds like things are going really well so far and I know it can keep happening!

Lauren said...

Hang in there Momma! You're doing great. Just try not to worry and stay as relaxed as possible. (I know that's easier said than done :)) We are praying that you make it to term and bring home that happy, HEALTHY baby!

Jen J. said...

Sending lots of prayers your way Ashley. It is a scary time for anyone, but I'm sure even moreso for you - best wishes as you get thru your next few weeks!