Viability Anxiety

Here I am, 24 weeks and entering a stage of viability. But what does it mean for me? It means I have a chance, there is a sliver of hope that if preeclampsia decides to show it's ugly rear, we have a chance in the NICU. I am so thankful to be 24 weeks, it really makes this feel like a possibility. But the next few weeks I am going to be an anxious mess, bless those who are around me.

I'm sure I will pay more attention to my BP, constantly checking for swelling, heartburns will scare me and god forbid I get a headache. (My poor OB office and OB triage)

It was 24 weeks when it all started last time. Little did we know what was ahead of us, but looking back all the signs were there. My face swelled up, Nolan stopped moving as frequently, ankles turned to cankles and the "heartburn attacks" started up. I was on a downward coaster and had no idea. I remember laying in the bathroom at my friends birthday party trying to get Nolan to move. I poked, shook and pushed on Nolan in hopes he would liven up, but nothing. I will always remember that moment. If I only knew the things I know now.

I pray, hope, plead and wish that these next 2 weeks fly by with no problems, I want to pass 26 weeks and be more pregnant than I have ever been before. I want nothing more than to keep this baby in until December, no matter how uncomfortable I may be, how funny I look when I walk or how bad my back hurts. I want to make it to our 36 week goal, so so so bad. But then reality sinks in and I remember the possibility of this baby making an appearance in just a few weeks.

Easiest way to put it, I live week to week, just as Amy had guest blogged here just 11 days later Kooper was born.

FEAR is my middle name right now, I have been waiting for the bottom of the barrel to fall out. I am literally a ticking time bomb.....just waiting for something bad to happen. I know that isn't a way to live.

Everyone tells me to think positive, I did and look where it got me. I have to think realistically so that I don't get bulldozed again.“I will let you be positive for me...I have to stay real to myself...my body is the one going through this.”

I know that I am pregnant, but it still hurts when people tell me that they are. I am not here to judge, but I don't take being pregnant lightly anymore! I did it the right way and I still can't figure out what I did to deserve this. I know it is the devil testing me and my faith, but he failed....so back off!

From day to day and even hour to hour or minute by minute my feelings change. I am excited about the possibility of new life. I am terrified that my body is going to fail, I know that it will, but when? I can't even dream of having a 4 lb. baby, just let it be a healthy 2 lbs - if that is even possible.

I don't get think like “normal” people do and my friends and family respect that. They love me for me and the ones that haven't been around or don't like what I have to say, have found other people to talk to. That is fine with me and you will have to understand that I can't be that person for you.

I am in a selfish battle right now for my baby and my life. I don't have to tell you how high risk this pregnancy is for me.

I just want to get through the next few weeks calmly with no roadblocks or complications. I say my prayers every night. I wear my St Gerard medal every hour of every single day, given to me by Ashley, my close friend and happens to also be the OB nurse who will deliver this baby, granted I make it to my scheduled C-section. I watch my body like a hawk and I embrace every single moment. Even if it's just laying on my couch and watching my stomach move back and forth and bounce up and down, because to me, that's a new moment we never experienced before.

Charlie is up there working his miracles close to God and I know he is fighting for Chris and I to take this baby home and holding my baby up there close to him. I just have to have trust, but it doesn't mean that fear is absent.