Sunday, November 21, 2010

hyperventilating

::grab brown paper bag and breath in and out::

I am so overwhelmed to the point I am sitting on my couch in tears with 1,000,000 thoughts racing through my head. I feel like we are so not ready for this baby when it comes to the logistics of things. I mean, I know we are SO ready for him emotionally. I’ve been feeling this way since the baby shower when we got all these fun things for him and half of it I don’t know what to do with it, do we have too much, too little of this, what about that? Oh did I mention we are running out of room in this house too? I am just so upset this afternoon, I’m trying to research stuff and I am so frustrated with the fact that I should KNOW this stuff or at least SOME of it. I am a mom! But I never got to act as one outside the NICU. So when I feel so clueless about this stuff, it reminds me how Nolan isn’t here, wasn’t here and I have no clue how to take care of a baby at home, so I just don’t feel like a Mom. I know it will all come natural to us when he comes home and we will learn as we go, but I can’t help feeling this way.

God forbid the person that says… “Your finally a Mom” when CC arrives because it will send me over the edge.

I’m trying to take it easy, I was looking forward to that today sitting on the couch watching movies with a best friend but plans fell through. I have no desire to go anywhere, get dressed or do anything. I just need a day of NOTHING. But now that I am doing a day of nothing I feel so lonely. Yea yea, soak these moments up while I can because in 19 days there will be no such thing- but I can’t wait for that. But I am going to be the happiest tired Mom on the block so that excuse doesn’t work for me. You will never hear me complain about sleep, exhaustion or any of that because I want this so bad I don’t care about all those things.

Chris and I haven’t even taken any baby classes. Why not?… Who the hell knows. Maybe I was so guarded on that stuff it slipped my mind. I mean I JUST started feeling comfortable signing up for baby samples and stuff. Now I feel like we are in the last minute, things are going to be happening and I have no clue about anything. Can you tell my thoughts are racing, welcome to my little brain of ADHD. To sign up for the baby care class on Dec 2nd or no, is it even worth it? Ahhhhh!

The nursery doesn’t seem complete, I have no idea what we will do for bottles or feeding (that’s a whole other issue), I am undecided on where to put stuff, what to wash, what to get with our gift cards because I know we need certain things or do we? AHHHHHHH!

This momma needs a good Culvers butter burger and chocolate malt to calm me down, but of course Florida has NO CULVERS! For the love of a crazy hormonal wife, how does Chris even deal with me!?

Back to your regularly scheduled program, I am going to go cry off this anxiety and hopefully fall asleep so I can forget how lonely I feel today.

19 comments:

My life said...

I'm sorry you're having a day like this. It will all come naturally, and yes, you ARE a mom! You can wait to see what you need after CC gets here. (that's the great thing about gift cards) If I didn't live 4 hours away I would come watch movies with you :) I hope your afternoon gets better! Praying these next 19 days fly bye!!!

Denise said...

You will be so surprised by how little you really need for a newborn, how much will come so naturally to you.

Since Samantha's been born, hearing people tell her "Are you excited to finally be a big sister" can set me in a pile of tears. On the inside I want to scream "She has been a big sister, for the last 3 years she's been on, just because he isn't here, doesn't mean he never existed." I'm hoping that when the hormones even out I'll be a little less sensitive.

Sending you big hugs.

Wilson Family said...

The last few weeks of pregnancy are overwhelming!!! But the second they put your child into your arms everything becomes second nature!!! As for the child birthing classes - I never took them and now that I look back I am glad that I didn't - In the end I saved $300 and used it to buy the endless supply of diapers and wipes that were used. haha. Im sending positive thought and thinking of you. Im so glad you have made it this far!!!

Diana @Hormonal Imbalances said...

EVERYONE feels this way right before they had a baby. I promise. It might not make you feel better right now, but just realize we all made it. We all got through the first few months until we got into the swing of things. Prepared with classes and a perfect nursery or not.

On the way to the hospital I almost had a meltdown. What had we done, how could be possibly be ready for a baby, why had my friends taken so many classes and we took one? But once you have CC, it will all just...work. Your natural instincts as a mom just kick in - the same as they did for Nolan with the overwhelming love and protection. Some of motherhood is simply inate - you just *know*. And no classes in the world could have prepared you for that.

It seems so far away and so very close at the same time. Maybe take today and study some stuff about the first few weeks with a newborn, or watch "Bringing Baby Home" on TLC (those shows are so realistic).

And then watch "I didn't know I was pregnant." Think about the fact that those moms didn't prepare AT ALL and still manage to do ok. lol

Love and hugs. :)

Hastings Family said...

I found parenting classes were worthless. I went to 2 of a 6 week course and couldn't go back. it was pretty bad. as for gift cards wait until the baby gets here. then you'll know what you need. we did that with my first and it worked perfectly. the bottles and feeding depend on what you'll be doing. if breastfeeding then you need a boppy pillow and a boob. :) if bottle feeding get a 3 pack of small ones. not more because CC might not like the ones you get and you'll need different ones. it all really just depends on the baby. the main things you need when he is born is carseat, a couple onsies, and some blankets. the rest you can buy later on as you know what you need. :)

Barb said...

Aww, it'll be okay! I know how you feel though.

You really don't need a whole lot for a newborn. Burp cloths, diapers, a few outfits/sleepers, blankets (I LOVED the SwaddleMe blankets for swaddling, the others he could break out of easily), and a couple bottles. Don't go crazy on the bottles because we went through about 5 types of bottles before finding the right one (I couldn't BF, my milk never came in). Just wash one at a time and see how it goes. That's about all you need. ;)

He didn't like the swing until he was 3 weeks, but I did use the bouncer and the Boppy a lot in those first few weeks. He didn't get a real bath until he was 6 weeks (when his cord fell off).

The things I wish I would have gotten were plastic/paper utensils so we didn't have to do dishes those first few weeks with visitors coming over. Make and freeze meals. Go out on a date. SLEEP! :) Even all those late night parties in the past aren't going to prepare you for the sleep you aren't going to get. You fall asleep and just when you get into a deep sleep, it's time to wake-up to feed or put the pacifier back into his mouth...because it's going to fall out every 2 seconds.

It WILL come naturally to you. I promise. :) My husband had never even held a newborn until our son was born and he has been awesome with our 17 month old! I think he worried too much about what to do with a 6 month old when I was pregnant haha. You learn as you go, and the nurses will help you with the basics and getting him on a schedule. Don't worry about when he's older, just concentrate on the moment.

erin. said...

**HUGS** to you Ashley! I am so sorry your plans fell threw today but I hope you are able to rest. Love from New York!

Marti said...

I have been reading your site for a while but have never posted. First, congratulations on the newest member of your family. Second, it never gets easier. the night before my 2nd was born I cried because suddenly I was sure it was a girl and we didn't have a girl name ( I didn't know what it was just figured a boy and i was right but....) then cried because we didn't even own a blue blanket (pink took over our house with my first)

You will be a wonderful mom. How do I know this since we have never even met? Because you will love this baby and do anything for this baby!! You have an angel watching over you and loving you! relax, enjoy and sleep now!!

All the best!

Maddie said...

I remember feeling like this in the last few weeks. I couldn't start buying anything or getting ready until I was 32 weeks pregnant but then I was feeling like we didn't have enough time to get organised.

Hugs.

Maddie x

Jill said...

Awe Ashley, I just read your blog and it made me so sad to see you having a down day yet I COMPLETELY understand how you are feeling. I felt it all not too long ago. I acdtually felt that way up on the operating table as they were about to do my spinal. Everything started racing in my mind. I thought I am not ready for this, I was so scared to even go into surgery again, but I did it! And I am happier than ever. i started thinking and freaking too with all those thoughts that you had and more! But I read many of these responses and they are so wonderful, it definitely will come to you and you dont need much really for a newborn, I am sure you have EVERYTHING under the sun. Me, I think I can always buy more clothes, my mom yells at me saying she has so much clothes, save money for other needed things. I wish I was more prepared , you guys seem lik you are very well prepared. Even you sending me the pictures, youre doing amazing! I am so proud of you. Once he is in your arms (like one said) it will all come so naturally. Just as you had it all in you for sweet Nolan. Youve got so many friends & family and sweet angels watching over, you are going to be just fine I promise! If you need anything, me and SO SO many others are here! Dont hesistate to even ask! I may not be able to give much but I will do my darn best! xxoxo and I cant wait to finally meet lil CC! I will definitely find a way to get over there when you say its okay! xoxoxox BIG HUGS! hope you were able to get some sleep Ashley!
PS. I still get to this day even by some of my friends about "i am finally a mom". It gets me soooo upset & angry. I cant believe I didn't lose it on them. We are moms, have been since we gave birth to our sweet babies, forever will be moms, no one or anything can take that way from us. <3

Kim said...

Deep breaths! You will be fine. :)

As others have said, it will come naturally to you.

As for the bottles and such, it really depends on what the baby likes. You shouldn't buy a bunch of them anyway because LO might not like them!

I also found the parenting classes to be pointless. You will figure it out, trust me.

Just buy some onsies, some blankets, diapers (not too many newborns), wipes, and you are good to go! You will figure out everything as you go along, I promise.

Sar(Mrs.Teddy) said...

(((hugs)))
breathe.
You will be amazing, you are an amazing mama already, and CC and Nolan are two blessed little boys to have you & your love.
First, newborns need very little beyond love & food. Honestly, and we all know you have plenty of the first, the 2nd is easy enough as well.
The parenting classes just usually stress people out. Take the advice of the nurses and follow your instincts. And enjoy every single second of it, because you blink and they are 1! I promise.
Savour every single moment, your final days of this pregnancy and your first days with CC.

Jocelyn said...

As long as you can hold, feed, burp, diaper, and bathe him, you're pretty prepared!

*Katie* said...

as long as you have a car seat, that is all you need right at first, the hospital has bottles, diapers binkies, blankets shirts and soo much more(although they don't usually let you keep the blankets an clothes) really you don't NEED muh for a newborn, you usually get a booggie sucker an a bath sponge too :) just think f all the people that go to hospitals in labor and think they have bad gas r kidney stones or something and didn't know they were pregg, all you really have to have is at the hospidle plus mommy and daddy love, then when he is here you will figure out what to get.

TanaLee Davis said...

Like everyone says,"your a great mom to Nolan just like you'll be for CC."
I honestly can't say I completely understand since I am not pregnant with a second child after my loss. But the thought of what you've been through scares me when I think about me someday getting to were you are. You are strong and you'll do fine...if my sister can do it then you can too. I'm so happy for you just a few more weeks.
~Felicia

Lisette said...

Breathe, what you are feeling is completely normal. It will all come to you once CC arrives. You will be the only one who knows exactly what he needs and when. It won't be easy at first but you will manage, I PROMISE you.
Wait to use those gift cards for once he arrives. At the beginning he is going to only need you, some diapers and pj's. Have a few bottles around just in case. You will see in no time just how ready you really have been all along.

Tina said...

You will be great! I have 2 living children, then the twins, but when Gigi came along I felt like I didn't know what I was doing! I still feel like that many days...oh dear, that probably isn't making you feel any better! What I'm trying to say is that it is okay and I think no matter how many children you have, you are always going to have those little doubts. YOU WILL BE GREAT...YOU ALREADY ARE!

Michelle said...

Ashley I am an experienced mom and I always feel just like you do. What you are feeling right now is very normal and then combine it with you history and sweet Nolan and you have the perfect storm brewing for anxiety. I know you will be an amazing mom and CC is going to be well taken care of. Keep that paper bag handy and breath in it as often as you need to, but know you are doing everything right for him!!!

Kincaid said...

I've been reading your blog for a little while now and keeping you and your little one in my prayers...I havn't read the other comments, but, seriously, bassinet by the bed in your room (with angelcare baby monitor if you'd like to be able to sleep at all), diapers and wipes, a few outfits, carseat and stroller, baby swing (so you can grab a shower sometimes), a couple of pacifiers (just in case), LOTS of burp cloths (just in case) and a boppy pillow for nursing (otherwise bottles and probably a bottle warmer for nighttime feeds), a baby bathtub with accessories...save the giftcards for after the dust settles and you have a better idea of what you really need/want. As for mothering, it will come naturally....ESPECIALLY if you have experience as a NICU mom. Plus, you will have people around you who will be more than willing to run out to the store for anything you don't have, but need. Hugs and prayers...