Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Bittersweet realism

I have to say, next to my fear of an early delivery and CC coming too early. My next biggest fear is when this all finally happens, I will be in so much shock it won't feel real. The past week or so, I have laid in bed at night and I day dream in my head what I believe will happen on December 10th if we make it.

I pre-play getting ready in the morning, doing my hair and getting last minute details together because I realize the next time we walk through those doors together, we will be a family of 4. I play in my head all the emotions and details of pre-op and getting ready to finally meet our 2nd born. I wonder what we will be feeling in those minutes of delivery. What will Dr Fish and I talk about this time and what will fly out of my mouth under the influence of drugs. I know I was a hoot last time and that was under terrifying circumstances. I think about how CC's Godmother Ashley is the OB nurse who will catch CC from Dr Fish and take care of him, and I imagine her bringing him over to Chris and I for the first time. Will I cry? Will Chris even shed a tear? Will I hold him right away? Will we get that amazing family picture in the OR? It's going to be one happy OR when this happens. And I can't forget, we will finally figure out what the heck will we "name" him?! We know what few ideas, but decided to wait until we meet him to see what fits. Christopher, Trey, Charlie???

Ahhhhh! It's so close, so real, yet still feels like a complete dream that this might be happening. I won't lie, I am scared of what I will feel in those first hours. I'm sure I will see Nolan in the little guy and I will be overwhelmed with happiness yet bittersweet sadness. I know this probably makes no sense, but to a Mother who held her first baby with no heartbeat, what will it feel like holding a baby full of life? What will it feel like when I realize my brother won't be walking in begging to hold him? You have no idea, Charlie was OBSESSED with visiting Nolan in the NICU. He went everyday and he loved him so much. Will it finally hit me that he is really gone?

What will it be like to see Chris hold him? I think about the first time my family and best friends meet him. I have a small group I want at the hospital that morning, knowing that the next few days, he may just possibly be the most visited baby of the week. That poor 4th floor. But I am SO okay with that, I will want to show him to the world, just like I did his little brother. We even have a photographer coming to take pictures the day before we are discharged to capture all the hospital moments. I want to savor the details that are so easily forgotten after leaving the hospital. The moments that we never got with Nolan, the visitors, the swaddled baby, Chris and I holding him, the bassinet. To some it may be overkill, but this is the next biggest day since our wedding and Nolan and I don't want to forget it.
I got the idea after coming across this photographer's blog, and a local photographer is going to make this very same type of session happen. It was funny, when I emailed her inquiring about the strange request, I found out she has been one of my blog readers for awhile. Ironic? Naw, just means it was meant to be. She has read our struggle, our ups and downs and fully understands with out re-explaining how important this is for us. I am just so darn excited for this!

All these thoughts are just making it more real, more concrete and it's like a dream is really happening. Nolan is going to have a little brother.

This Sunday is the baby shower, the very same baby shower I swore up, down, left and right I would NEVER have. I just didn't want the hype just to be let down again. But as this pregnancy progressed, I promised myself I would try to let myself enjoy what all pregnant women are entitled to. My best best best friends, Val & Erin and my parents have planned one huge party.

I am shocked at the amount of people wanting to come celebrate, it seriously warms my heart and reminds me how much our story impacted my friends and family last year. But really, I could care less about the presents and games, no lie. I am just so excited to see all my friends, family and co-workers that I haven't seen in awhile. I'm dying to show off this party that Valorie has put her heart and soul into planning the past 2 months (Valorie is party planner of the century) and more than anything, I am overjoyed to celebrate the fact that this pregnancy is so far healthy. Despite hospital admissions, numerous Dr appointments, ultrasounds, nightly Lovenox injections for 8 months, many 24 hour marriages to the orange jug, fear, anxiety and days where hope seemed absent... We will be 32 weeks, one of my biggest goals other than making it to our C-section date. I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate.

This is real.
It kind of feels like in those emotional songs where the band is having an instrumental solo part of the song building up to the big chorus. That's exactly how it feels, we are in that instrumental build up. The chorus is so close!
5 weeks and 2 days. Only 37 days left until we meet this little guy.


Diana @Hormonal Imbalances said...

I am sobbing as I read this. My heart aches and rejoices for you at the same time.

The thrill of finally having what you've wanted, combined with the recent losses - I can't fathom what it must feel like as you sort through your emotions.

I'm so excited for you. I've got your due date memorized. :) It is one of the biggest moments of your life, I wished I would have known that more in the middle of it than I did looking back now. Enjoy every second of that day.


The Adventures of a Blondie Mommie said...

I can't tell you how excited I am that this pregnancy is going so well for you! You deserve all the happiness in the world and I know your second son is going to be the light of your life! We had pictures done of Jackson's delivery and it was the best investment we ever made!

Lisette said...

I am so excited so for you. I have been praying everyday for you that you get to bring home your healthy baby boy in Dec.
I can't wait to see the pictures of your shower this weekend, it's really happening. I am glad that even though you are scared you are able to cherish this pregnancy.

You give me such hope. I am 13 wks 6 days now and so darn scared! I want to relax and enjoy it but feel so robbed. You are an amazing mommy!

Maddie said...

I was scared about the emotions Max arriving would bring. It all seemed so surreal they'd be a baby to bring home after pregnancy. I was OK during the pre-op but as we went down to theature it all got pretty overwhelming and I was bawling by the time they started the c-section. But after I heard him cry overwhelming relief was the first thing I felt. Some things were very bittersweet but you already expect that.

Enjoy your baby shower - you so deserve too. And I'm very excited your due date is approaching.

Maddie x

Kendra said...


My name is Kendra and I am a Master's student in Family Social Sciences at the University of Manitoba in Canada. I first stumbled across your blog early this year, as I was looking for information on the topic of infant loss.

The first post of yours I read was the announcement of your pregnancy, and the nice card you got for (your?) father announcing it (I still remember that!)

My courses have since ended and I am entering the second, thesis-component of my degree, but I've followed your blog ever since.

Congratulations on making it so very far and being so close to that c-section date! How amazing the journey has been... I feel privilged just to be able to read it.

Looking forward to those next five weeks and beyond,


TanaLee Davis said...

Oh I'm so happy for you!!! It's been quite a journey for you and baby CC as well as your hubby. You are so courageous and I know you are an amazing mother who will very soon add more love to the world through her CC's eyes and smile. Although we have never met I am proud beyond words for you. Looking forward to your updates. You give women like me hope for a pregnancy without Preeclampsia.
If you didn't mind sharing, What is it that you went through in this pregnancy to ward off Pre-eclampsia? I know you were monitored but what are some steps you took to keeping you and CC healthy? anything New?

Lauren said...

I totally get all thes emotions you are having... we'll almost. I'll probably be there in a few more months. You're life is about to change, and it's normal to be a little freaked out. You are getting sooo close, it's probably all sinking in now. I imagine having a baby after a loss comes with it's own set of emotions. You'll think of Nolan a lot and see Nolan in CC. That sadness will lessen over time and it will start to finally sink in that you have a baby.

Can't wait to see you on Sunday!


365 challenge said...

I had most of these feelings the day I was induced I was in such shock, and really,denial that I was having this baby, he was coming home with us, he was mine. Even when they laid him on me it was surreal. IT wasn't until I was home a few weeks that the shock wore off. I wish I could have let myself bond better with him in pregnancy but frankly I was waiting to miscarry until the end. I also did not want a shower but ended up having one 9 days before he arrived with 100 people! I was so nervous just like you! I am praying that you enjoy this time and that delivery goes smoothly!

Erin said...

37 days?? That's nothing, Mama!! I absolutely CANNOT wait to see those pictures and to hear your happy story.

Anonymous said...

The insturmental part of a song is called the bridge and that is the most perfect annalogy for your story! I've been reading your blog since almost the beginning. You really are crossing that bridge over the unknown and into the excitement and joy that you and Chris have been dreaming and praying about.

I'll miss your posts in 38 days, when you'll be MUCH too busy with mommyhood to give it a thought. But my thoughts and prayers will still be with you!

Jayme said...

I didn't believe I was getting my babies until after they were here. I just couldn't fathom actually taking home a baby from the hospital after losing Elora and Connor, let alone TWO. It took quite awhile to sink in that it was real, I had made it through the pregnancy

. said...

I have never wanted something more for a stranger in my life!! I hope and pray for you and your family that you see Gods glory in that precious little boys face in a short 37 days!! Can't wait to "meet" him also!!

MK said...

I've got 79 days but I'm right here with you. The part about holding a baby full of life, I think about that a lot. It's going to be so different for us, isn't it? I try and imagine but I just fall back on what I know...delivering my stillborn's truly bittersweet.

Pam said...

God Bless You and Your Family! I didn't read blogs when I found you. Your writing has touched my heart. Reading this I had to stop 3 times and recover then continue on. The joy and sadness is so true and touching. I know for you it is your story but you have lost so much and gained so much in the time that I have been reading your blog.
It is amazing you are so close this year has gone by so fast for me. I can't wait till you are me staring across the table being amazed by the 18 year olds sitting there having their 18th birthday. It has been a crazy ride and take all the pictures you want take even more than that! If you go to my blog that I just started you can see the post of my daughters and their growing up. Amazing the abundance of love we give those little people that God gives to us on loan to raise and nurture. My heart feels so much for you right now! Enjoy your celebration!

Katie said...

I'm so excited for you & Chris! You'll have an outside baby next month! Enjoy your shower!

Jill said...

Ashley,.I agree with Diana over here, I amm am sobbing while reading your blog. You do and will have so many emotions as these next few weeks will dwindle down and to the very day of sweet Nolan's little baby brothers birthday arrives! You are going to do absolutely amazing and I cannot wait to see pictures of this baby shower (again I am SO bummed I cannot be there!) But you deserve this beautiful shower and I know it will be just amazing. And then the next big date is Dec 10th, I know there are so many of us counting down with you! I cant wait for you to experience it all, the sleepless nights, the feedings, the little smiles, just everything, but of course it will all be bitttersweet. I am with you in all of thise as many of us are. I am happy we have a bond I feel growing. Bless you & your family, love yah Ash! xoxoxo And I hope to see you soon maybe before baby arrives, IKEA!!! :)

Pam McBride said...

You've got me tearing up here! See you in a few hours for your baby shower!!! ahhh, how exciting!! <3

Debbie said...

I too am so excited for you guys! I've been following your blog since last year, having had HELLP myself last June as well. I find myself anxious to get to work and check the computer to see if you guys made it through the weekend ok with no issues popping up! I am so glad everything is going well, and I TOTALLY understand everything you were describing in your latest post! I will be praying for you guys, and I can't wait to see the pics of CC!! You are giving me hope that I could possibly have another pregnancy with a good outcome. Still scary to think about!
Did you happen to see the article that came out in the last few months about the Danish research linking diet drinks to pregnancy disorders like pre-eclampsia. You may not have even drank diet drinks during your pregnancy, but I know I did - just makes me wonder! I guess I should stop trying to figure out why it happened, but I just can't help but wonder!
Keep the good updates coming! Very Excited for you guys!


Jenny said...

I'm SO excited for you! I can't wait to see the pictures and hear all about Nolan's sweet baby brother. I can't wait to know what you decide to call him. I'm just so happy you're getting this experience.