My name is Ashley and I live for my Nolan. Nolan has made me who I am today, he gave me back my faith, taught to believe and most certainly built hope.
Nolan is our son.
Our first born.
He was a miracle that was not suppose to be. And to this day I am reminded every single morning when I wake up that he is not here but his fight is not forgotten. 2 years later I sit amoungst grief that has changed, it has morphed into a different feeling that is so ha
rd to explain.
I have and always will fight to keep his memory alive. To a mother who knew her son for 3 days, it's all I have, it's all I have to fall back on. Those memories fade quickly, and all I have is this blog and pictures to look back on. So I take those pictures and I hold them so near and dear to my heart. I know those pictures are not ideal to some, they aren't the typical newborn pictures. A photoshoot full of cute hats, perfect newborn poses and sleepy grins. Our pictures tell a story of triumph they are taken by proud parents who were over joyed that our son had a heartbeat, that
he was fighting and that we had hope. Our pictures are all we have of Nolan. Yes I know they were taken while he was in very critical condition fighting for every minute. I am fully aware he has tubes, wires, lights and equipment surrounding him. But for those 3 days of his life, it's what we know of him. It's how we remember him and those little extras don't unvalidate his little life at all. Those wires and tubes and lights don't unjustisfy him being our son.
Recently, for the first time in 2 years I was met with question about his pictures. Should I be on that show Taboo because I hang pictures of our dead baby on our walls in our own home? Are people coming into our home bothered by his pictures? Am I just delusional and crazy for
wanting to hang his picture along side of his little brothers? Should I forget about him because we had another baby?
What am I suppose to do? I really don't know why I am even sitting here typing out these questions. Why should it matter? I know the answer but for whatever reason having someone suggest me taking down his picture when they come over broke me down. It made me feel like my son was nothing. He was just a baby that died that pictures were sad to look at.
2 years later, it's amazing what can trigger grief like it happened yesterday.
But then I remember what others saw those 3 days he were alive...
This was a comment left on my blog a few weeks ago....
Ashley, I found the link to your blog on the note you left next to the cupcakes. Thank you for those- I'm pretty sure they are already almost gone! I took care of Nolan in the NICU and I remember him and you very much. I remember exactly where his isolette was in the corner of room 4. I remember how determined he was and how proud you were to be the mother of such an amazing little fighter. What I remember most is that Nolan was surrounded by people who smiled. Even at the hardest parts of his little life, there were smiles through the tears. You could just feel it in the air-everyone hoping and praying for and loving him. It seems that his life is celebrated now just as it was when he was born. Happy
birthday,Nolan. God bless you and your family...
This nurse saw what we remember, what I fight to share to this day and justifies why one day CC will know he's a little brother.
Nolan is our first born, tubes and wires don't change that. That's how we knew Nolan, I don't want to remember the bad, I want to preserve the good.
But from day one, to two years later and 40 years down the road.... I will fight to keep Nolan's memory alive because he was a true miracle that made us parents.
I love you Nolan. Tubes, wires, and all.