Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Bill of Rights
Thanks to a friend who posted this...
I feel the need to post this, it's so true.
“Mourner’s Bill of Rights.” It was written by Alan D. Wolfelt Ph.D. author, educator, grief counselor and director of the Center For Loss and Transition (http://centerforloss.com).
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.”
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.”
I feel the need to post this, it's so true.
“Mourner’s Bill of Rights.” It was written by Alan D. Wolfelt Ph.D. author, educator, grief counselor and director of the Center For Loss and Transition (http://centerforloss.com).
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.”
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.”
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Yesterday was ROUGH. I thought I could do it and I was wrong.
Real quick, Val is doing pretty good. Surgery went well, she's in pain but healing as expected. I watched her boys last night and got them off to school. Talk about exhausting, I give her huge points for doing it everyday. It probably didn't help that it was my first time doing it either.
As for the hospital yesterday.. I was doing just fine being in her room since it's in a different tower of the hospital. But the second we went to the 'atrium' I lost it. All the emotions that I haven't released in a awhile from being 'strong' came out full force. For those of you that don't know what the atrium is, its the hospital lobby that is 4 floors with a HUGE open middle with little waterfalls, coffee shop and pianos, glass elevators.. ect. It's the place where all my friends and family hung out just hours before Nolan coded. As soon as I saw it, tears came like a waterfall. So I thought if I turned around I would be better. And as I was recomposing myself, a freaking pregnant girl walked by doing her 'labor walk'. I just lost it.
So yesterday was hard, but I did it for Val... because she was there for me. I am glad she is doing well and hopefully coming home soon. Then I won't have to step foot in that place until there is a 'good reason' to come back.
Real quick, Val is doing pretty good. Surgery went well, she's in pain but healing as expected. I watched her boys last night and got them off to school. Talk about exhausting, I give her huge points for doing it everyday. It probably didn't help that it was my first time doing it either.
As for the hospital yesterday.. I was doing just fine being in her room since it's in a different tower of the hospital. But the second we went to the 'atrium' I lost it. All the emotions that I haven't released in a awhile from being 'strong' came out full force. For those of you that don't know what the atrium is, its the hospital lobby that is 4 floors with a HUGE open middle with little waterfalls, coffee shop and pianos, glass elevators.. ect. It's the place where all my friends and family hung out just hours before Nolan coded. As soon as I saw it, tears came like a waterfall. So I thought if I turned around I would be better. And as I was recomposing myself, a freaking pregnant girl walked by doing her 'labor walk'. I just lost it.
So yesterday was hard, but I did it for Val... because she was there for me. I am glad she is doing well and hopefully coming home soon. Then I won't have to step foot in that place until there is a 'good reason' to come back.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Daja Vu
4 Months and 4 days ago, my best friend left work and drove strait to the hospital to be there for my emergency c-section. She held my hand as they prepped me for the OR while Chris urgently tried to call family.
Today, I left work early and took that same drive from the hospital we work at to the same hospital I had Nolan at to hold my best friends hand as they prep her to have her appendix taken out.
So we both are sitting here in the hospital room, and now SHE is the one sitting in the very same bed as I was just 4 short months ago. This is the LAST place I want to be right now as far as THIS hospital but I went through the back way and I am on the opposite side of the hospital than I was with Nolan. SO, I think I can do this, but only for Val's sake...because I love her.
For those of you that don't know Val... She is my best friend, the one who did everything for my wedding, the one who was there for every second of Nolan (from the second he was born to the second he died) the one who made Nolan's video for his service and the one that has an 8 year old son who is suppose to have open heart surgery next week. (long run on sentence)
Nolan, watch over my best friend, I know you will... but also give me the strength to hang out in this place. I promised I would not step foot in here until I had your little brother or sister in my belly. But for Valorie.. I would do anything, just as she has for me.
Today, I left work early and took that same drive from the hospital we work at to the same hospital I had Nolan at to hold my best friends hand as they prep her to have her appendix taken out.
So we both are sitting here in the hospital room, and now SHE is the one sitting in the very same bed as I was just 4 short months ago. This is the LAST place I want to be right now as far as THIS hospital but I went through the back way and I am on the opposite side of the hospital than I was with Nolan. SO, I think I can do this, but only for Val's sake...because I love her.
For those of you that don't know Val... She is my best friend, the one who did everything for my wedding, the one who was there for every second of Nolan (from the second he was born to the second he died) the one who made Nolan's video for his service and the one that has an 8 year old son who is suppose to have open heart surgery next week. (long run on sentence)
Nolan, watch over my best friend, I know you will... but also give me the strength to hang out in this place. I promised I would not step foot in here until I had your little brother or sister in my belly. But for Valorie.. I would do anything, just as she has for me.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Sneaky 4 months
Last night I was at work and Chris text me around 2am saying he was awake. I text him back asking what the heck he was doing awake since he wakes up at 415am to go to work. He said he woke up thirsty and is going back to bed.
Fast forward to this morning. I was talking to him on my way home and he mentions again about waking up at 2am. I said, "Yaaa I woke up around 2pm yesterday. It sucks."
He replies, "I think Nolan nudged me awake. Because when I woke up I smiled and he was the first thing I thought of... instantly."
I didn't think anything of this for a few seconds until it all clicked. He woke up at the same time Nolan left us 4 months ago, it was 2am when he coded for the last time.
How could I not have thought about this at work?! There is NO way I forgot, because the other 3 months I was dreading the hours around 2am on the 11th for a reason. And last night, it was like Nolan gave me the strength to get through my night with a smile. Chris said he knew better to remind me while at work why he was awake when I asked. But I just find it amazing how sneaky that date was. I even was charting after midnight and realized the date said Oct. 11th. BUT, it didn't cross my mind. All I have been thinking about is his 4 month birthday, and I think SO much about how big he would be or wonder what he would be doing right about now, that his angel anniversary didn't even pop up in my mind.
Thank God & Nolan for that strength, because if I didn't have it... work would have been one long lonely sad and depressing night. I would have thought about it all night where I was just 4 short months ago at that very time. I was in a quiet room, with my cold heartless beautiful baby wrapped in a little blue blanket crying and holding him as tight as I could passing him between Chris & I. That moment I felt frozen in time. I NEVER EVER want to feel those feelings again, and quite frankly I need to stop writing right now.. because the feelings are so raw I can feel them just typing.
Good night and I love you Nolan. I miss you SO much...so much. I had so many hopes and dreams for you little one. I wish you had the chance.
Fast forward to this morning. I was talking to him on my way home and he mentions again about waking up at 2am. I said, "Yaaa I woke up around 2pm yesterday. It sucks."
He replies, "I think Nolan nudged me awake. Because when I woke up I smiled and he was the first thing I thought of... instantly."
I didn't think anything of this for a few seconds until it all clicked. He woke up at the same time Nolan left us 4 months ago, it was 2am when he coded for the last time.
How could I not have thought about this at work?! There is NO way I forgot, because the other 3 months I was dreading the hours around 2am on the 11th for a reason. And last night, it was like Nolan gave me the strength to get through my night with a smile. Chris said he knew better to remind me while at work why he was awake when I asked. But I just find it amazing how sneaky that date was. I even was charting after midnight and realized the date said Oct. 11th. BUT, it didn't cross my mind. All I have been thinking about is his 4 month birthday, and I think SO much about how big he would be or wonder what he would be doing right about now, that his angel anniversary didn't even pop up in my mind.
Thank God & Nolan for that strength, because if I didn't have it... work would have been one long lonely sad and depressing night. I would have thought about it all night where I was just 4 short months ago at that very time. I was in a quiet room, with my cold heartless beautiful baby wrapped in a little blue blanket crying and holding him as tight as I could passing him between Chris & I. That moment I felt frozen in time. I NEVER EVER want to feel those feelings again, and quite frankly I need to stop writing right now.. because the feelings are so raw I can feel them just typing.
Good night and I love you Nolan. I miss you SO much...so much. I had so many hopes and dreams for you little one. I wish you had the chance.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wishes
I wish I was the old Ashley everyone remembers, but I'm not.
I wish I wasn't in this position.
I wish I didn't loose some friends in the past 4 months that I really cared about.
I wish I was holding my son instead visiting his grave.
I wish I could look at newborns, hold babies or think about them.
I wish I could photograph newborns or photograph Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. (I will one day)
I wish I never met Amy and Amy never found me... it would mean we both had our babies still with us.
I wish my Dad wasn't sick and needed open heart surgery.
I wish God wasn't testing me by giving me only what I can handle. I think I have proved myself.
I wish my best friend's (Val) son who is only 8 years old didn't need open heart surgery this month, he's such a strong little guy. I think Nolan would have been just like him!
I wish to have a family one day here on Earth.
I wish my Grandma was still alive, because she went through this 6 times, and I am sure she would have a few words of advice.
I wish I didn't feel obligated to explain this thing they call grieving. It's indescribable.
I wish people would understand I really am not trying to push them away, promised.
I wish I could write a formal TY to every single person that supported us.
I wish I could loose this baby weight, I don't have a baby on my hip to justify it in public.
I wish my parents could sell their house and be in a better spot.
I wish money grew on trees and I could burn medical bills and that would make them disappear
I obviously wish a lot of things.
I JUST WISH I had my sweet angel here with me.
Sometimes I just feel like I am being kicked when I am already down, like tonight..I can't wait to kiss 2009 GOOD BYE. Same with Valorie and my Mom & Dad. I think this will be the best NYE yet, let's say screw off 2009 and hope 2010 will be better. I can only wish, right?
I went to visit Nolan with Chris tonight to say happy 4 months. We went to watch his solar light come on after the sun set. He has October flowers and a orange pinwheel, it's perfect. I am going to go get him a small pumpkin next week, he needs one. So here are a few pictures how we spent our night with Nolan.
Ok, I need to do an I'm thankful list too...
I'm thankful for my life, I was close to dying.
I am thankful for the best husband and the fact we are holding strong after the worst year of our life.
I'm thankful my Dad went to the hospital when I told him to.
I'm thankful I have a good job in this economy.
I'm thankful for all the ladies that supported me and continue to do so. Even though you feel like your invisible in my world, I promise your not..I will NEVER think I am above you because I lost my baby... EVER! Nor will I think your incapable of being a good friend because you don't know how I feel.
I'm thankful for meeting Amy & Johanna.
I'm thankful they caught the HELLP when it started or Chris might not have me here right now.
I'm thankful that I know I can get pregnant, just wishful I can carry to term one day.
I'm thankful for the ones that remember my birthday and Nolan's important dates and remind me I am a good Mom.
I'm thankful for a wonderful Church.
I'm thankful for my family, mom, dad, sisters, brother, aunt, gpa and inlaws.
I'm thankful we can go on the cruise in November for Nolan because we sure do need to get away in our most favorite place.
I'm thankful for Dr. Fish who has worked her butt off to figure out what is wrong with me and is ready to fight to get us a baby.
Most of all I am thankful for God giving Chris and I the most special little boy for 3 days. It is better to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all. I love you Nolan.
I wish I wasn't in this position.
I wish I didn't loose some friends in the past 4 months that I really cared about.
I wish I was holding my son instead visiting his grave.
I wish I could look at newborns, hold babies or think about them.
I wish I could photograph newborns or photograph Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. (I will one day)
I wish I never met Amy and Amy never found me... it would mean we both had our babies still with us.
I wish my Dad wasn't sick and needed open heart surgery.
I wish God wasn't testing me by giving me only what I can handle. I think I have proved myself.
I wish my best friend's (Val) son who is only 8 years old didn't need open heart surgery this month, he's such a strong little guy. I think Nolan would have been just like him!
I wish to have a family one day here on Earth.
I wish my Grandma was still alive, because she went through this 6 times, and I am sure she would have a few words of advice.
I wish I didn't feel obligated to explain this thing they call grieving. It's indescribable.
I wish people would understand I really am not trying to push them away, promised.
I wish I could write a formal TY to every single person that supported us.
I wish I could loose this baby weight, I don't have a baby on my hip to justify it in public.
I wish my parents could sell their house and be in a better spot.
I wish money grew on trees and I could burn medical bills and that would make them disappear
I obviously wish a lot of things.
I JUST WISH I had my sweet angel here with me.
Sometimes I just feel like I am being kicked when I am already down, like tonight..I can't wait to kiss 2009 GOOD BYE. Same with Valorie and my Mom & Dad. I think this will be the best NYE yet, let's say screw off 2009 and hope 2010 will be better. I can only wish, right?
I went to visit Nolan with Chris tonight to say happy 4 months. We went to watch his solar light come on after the sun set. He has October flowers and a orange pinwheel, it's perfect. I am going to go get him a small pumpkin next week, he needs one. So here are a few pictures how we spent our night with Nolan.
Ok, I need to do an I'm thankful list too...
I'm thankful for my life, I was close to dying.
I am thankful for the best husband and the fact we are holding strong after the worst year of our life.
I'm thankful my Dad went to the hospital when I told him to.
I'm thankful I have a good job in this economy.
I'm thankful for all the ladies that supported me and continue to do so. Even though you feel like your invisible in my world, I promise your not..I will NEVER think I am above you because I lost my baby... EVER! Nor will I think your incapable of being a good friend because you don't know how I feel.
I'm thankful for meeting Amy & Johanna.
I'm thankful they caught the HELLP when it started or Chris might not have me here right now.
I'm thankful that I know I can get pregnant, just wishful I can carry to term one day.
I'm thankful for the ones that remember my birthday and Nolan's important dates and remind me I am a good Mom.
I'm thankful for a wonderful Church.
I'm thankful for my family, mom, dad, sisters, brother, aunt, gpa and inlaws.
I'm thankful we can go on the cruise in November for Nolan because we sure do need to get away in our most favorite place.
I'm thankful for Dr. Fish who has worked her butt off to figure out what is wrong with me and is ready to fight to get us a baby.
Most of all I am thankful for God giving Chris and I the most special little boy for 3 days. It is better to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all. I love you Nolan.
Dear Nolan,
Happy 4 month birthday lil guy. I hope you are having a good time up there in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy down here miss you terribly and wish we could have you back here with us. I am so proud of your fight you started 4 months ago. Your cry(squeak) we heard as soon as you were born was music to my ears. It was instant gratification that I knew you were going to put up a fight.
Everyday I look for the opportunity to talk about you. I think I have to be the proudest Mommy. I talk about you at work, at weddings and even to strangers I meet. I show them your tiny little feet that is on the back of my name badge at work and their eyes grow huge. You were such a tiny miracle.
Mommy is missing you Nolan, more than I can ever express. I take the strength you send me to continue putting one foot in front of another every single hour of the day. You see I have my sad days where I just want to crawl in a ball and repeat over and over how much I want you here. But I have to have faith that God took you early because you were very very special to him. Although I don't fully understand this just yet, and don't think I ever will... I will try to accept it in the coming years. I know if you were still here we would be celebrating your 4th month here at home. We would have had a special celebration because all your other ones would have been spent in the NICU. But instead I will be coming up to visit you at your resting spot. I promise to tuck you in tonight when the sun sets and your nightlight turns on, it's the best I can do. (I hope you like your solar nightlight)
Keep the signs coming little one, I need those. It helps me be reminded that you are always by my side. I sleep with your baby blanket, I wear your ashes in my necklace and I pray to you every night to visit me in my dreams and I think about you every second, minute & hour of every single day. I love you Nolan and enjoy your 4 month birthday up there with Kalli, Eli, Jasper, Isaac, Myles, Kayleigh, Vincent and all the other babies that have Mommies like me.
Monday, October 5, 2009
October
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We just got back from Vegas for my best friend's wedding. The wedding was beautiful and Noelle made the most beautiful bride EVER. We enjoyed every second of the trip and can't wait to post some more pictures of the newlyweds.
Is it already October? I mean I won't complain but has it almost been 4 months since my baby was born? He would have been four months in 2 days. You know what is driving me insane right now? Halloween costumes in the store, I was so excited to dress up a newborn for halloween this year. I don't even have a desire to have trick or treaters this year. I am NEVER like that, but it looks like this year might be a year for my outside lights to stay off Oct 31st. Bummer. Hopefully next year will be a better halloween.
That lil stinker gave us so many signs when we were in Vegas for Noelle's wedding. From the first 30 seconds we stepped foot in the hotel casino, his song comes on. That song hasn't played on the radio, my ipod or TV in awhile now. I have been avoiding it to tell you the truth because it just makes me cry uncontrollably. It was just so ironic that we were just discussing how we should be lugging a stroller and diaper bag around instead of yard sized margaritas.
I kid you not, the same thing happened the day of the rehearsal. We were walking around Mandalay Bay to the restaurant and I noticed it was on again. I nudged Chris to tell him and he said he was JUST thinking about Nolan because a baby boy just strolled by with his parents. Ironic!
THEN, we go to The Bellagio to see the fountains and look what our precious Nolan sent us...
I just wish Nolan was there with us, it was the plan the entire pregnancy (well at least until he was born early). So we decided to make a wish in the Bellagio Fountain, and I am sure you can guess what that wish was...
And I am sure you are wondering how I am "really doing" .....
It's hard, I am not going to lie. They said time heals, but it honestly hasn't. All time has done is not made it feel as raw as it did back in the summer. I still avoid all babies that would be around Nolan's size/age. I feel as they are in my face when I least expect it. Such as sitting in the direct seat in front of me on the plane, being sat next to one at dinner last night, ect ect. It's painful to think that I should be in that Mom's spot just like they are.
I haven't had as many breakdowns as I used to and I smile more. My friends and family are my support and most of all Chris, Amy and Johanna because they know this pain unfortunately. I did have one breakdown in Vegas. We were walking back from a night out and while walking through the casino to our room... Nolan's song came on again, AGAIN. I just had enough. I know it was a "sign" but it made me want Nolan 1,000 times more. All I could think about was his perfect little ultrasound that I put music to and it was THAT song. I'm sure the few cocktails didn't help the emotions either. I just wished he were with us for Noelle's wedding, it would have meant he made it as a full term healthy baby boy.
I try to focus on the positive that we can try again and at least we know we CAN get pregnant and hope that we get to bring a baby home next time. Then focus my energy on sharing our baby's special big brother to him/her. But that all sounds so easy. I'm terrified, seriously... we want so badly to have our family on earth feel complete. I have to have faith it will happen, but thinking of the actual process is exhausting. It's will never be a normal 9 months, it will be fulled with anxiety and worry. BUT, I will count on my faith and Nolan to give us that special baby one day. I am hoping and praying that 2010 brings us some much needed good news.
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