Thursday, October 8, 2009

Dear Nolan,

Happy 4 month birthday lil guy. I hope you are having a good time up there in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy down here miss you terribly and wish we could have you back here with us. I am so proud of your fight you started 4 months ago. Your cry(squeak) we heard as soon as you were born was music to my ears. It was instant gratification that I knew you were going to put up a fight.

Everyday I look for the opportunity to talk about you. I think I have to be the proudest Mommy. I talk about you at work, at weddings and even to strangers I meet. I show them your tiny little feet that is on the back of my name badge at work and their eyes grow huge. You were such a tiny miracle.

Mommy is missing you Nolan, more than I can ever express. I take the strength you send me to continue putting one foot in front of another every single hour of the day. You see I have my sad days where I just want to crawl in a ball and repeat over and over how much I want you here. But I have to have faith that God took you early because you were very very special to him. Although I don't fully understand this just yet, and don't think I ever will... I will try to accept it in the coming years. I know if you were still here we would be celebrating your 4th month here at home. We would have had a special celebration because all your other ones would have been spent in the NICU. But instead I will be coming up to visit you at your resting spot. I promise to tuck you in tonight when the sun sets and your nightlight turns on, it's the best I can do. (I hope you like your solar nightlight)

Keep the signs coming little one, I need those. It helps me be reminded that you are always by my side. I sleep with your baby blanket, I wear your ashes in my necklace and I pray to you every night to visit me in my dreams and I think about you every second, minute & hour of every single day. I love you Nolan and enjoy your 4 month birthday up there with Kalli, Eli, Jasper, Isaac, Myles, Kayleigh,
Vincent and all the other babies that have Mommies like me.


Rachel H. said...

You are so right that God took him, because he is special and he has plans for him up there in heaven. I love that you write about him, and I love your posts! They are such an outlet for you and so special for all of us reading to be able to listen and express love, concern and prayers during these months of trial.

jamie said...

What a beautiful letter to Nolan. You brought me to tears. He is such a special little guy in heaven now.