Thursday, October 8, 2009
Happy 4 month birthday lil guy. I hope you are having a good time up there in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy down here miss you terribly and wish we could have you back here with us. I am so proud of your fight you started 4 months ago. Your cry(squeak) we heard as soon as you were born was music to my ears. It was instant gratification that I knew you were going to put up a fight.
Everyday I look for the opportunity to talk about you. I think I have to be the proudest Mommy. I talk about you at work, at weddings and even to strangers I meet. I show them your tiny little feet that is on the back of my name badge at work and their eyes grow huge. You were such a tiny miracle.
Mommy is missing you Nolan, more than I can ever express. I take the strength you send me to continue putting one foot in front of another every single hour of the day. You see I have my sad days where I just want to crawl in a ball and repeat over and over how much I want you here. But I have to have faith that God took you early because you were very very special to him. Although I don't fully understand this just yet, and don't think I ever will... I will try to accept it in the coming years. I know if you were still here we would be celebrating your 4th month here at home. We would have had a special celebration because all your other ones would have been spent in the NICU. But instead I will be coming up to visit you at your resting spot. I promise to tuck you in tonight when the sun sets and your nightlight turns on, it's the best I can do. (I hope you like your solar nightlight)
Keep the signs coming little one, I need those. It helps me be reminded that you are always by my side. I sleep with your baby blanket, I wear your ashes in my necklace and I pray to you every night to visit me in my dreams and I think about you every second, minute & hour of every single day. I love you Nolan and enjoy your 4 month birthday up there with Kalli, Eli, Jasper, Isaac, Myles, Kayleigh, Vincent and all the other babies that have Mommies like me.