Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sneaky 4 months

Last night I was at work and Chris text me around 2am saying he was awake. I text him back asking what the heck he was doing awake since he wakes up at 415am to go to work. He said he woke up thirsty and is going back to bed.

Fast forward to this morning. I was talking to him on my way home and he mentions again about waking up at 2am. I said, "Yaaa I woke up around 2pm yesterday. It sucks."

He replies, "I think Nolan nudged me awake. Because when I woke up I smiled and he was the first thing I thought of... instantly."

I didn't think anything of this for a few seconds until it all clicked. He woke up at the same time Nolan left us 4 months ago, it was 2am when he coded for the last time.

How could I not have thought about this at work?! There is NO way I forgot, because the other 3 months I was dreading the hours around 2am on the 11th for a reason. And last night, it was like Nolan gave me the strength to get through my night with a smile. Chris said he knew better to remind me while at work why he was awake when I asked. But I just find it amazing how sneaky that date was. I even was charting after midnight and realized the date said Oct. 11th. BUT, it didn't cross my mind. All I have been thinking about is his 4 month birthday, and I think SO much about how big he would be or wonder what he would be doing right about now, that his angel anniversary didn't even pop up in my mind.

Thank God & Nolan for that strength, because if I didn't have it... work would have been one long lonely sad and depressing night. I would have thought about it all night where I was just 4 short months ago at that very time. I was in a quiet room, with my cold heartless beautiful baby wrapped in a little blue blanket crying and holding him as tight as I could passing him between Chris & I. That moment I felt frozen in time. I NEVER EVER want to feel those feelings again, and quite frankly I need to stop writing right now.. because the feelings are so raw I can feel them just typing.

Good night and I love you Nolan. I miss you SO much...so much. I had so many hopes and dreams for you little one. I wish you had the chance.

4 comments:

Bree said...

That happened to me at 3 months. And, of course, I felt so guilty that I didn't remember what day it was until half the day had passed. It's sad, but I think it's normal. I don't count weeks anymore, just months. I think I've been busy with work and just trying to stay afloat. We're going to hit 7 months this Thursday. Thinking of you and Nolan today. Hope you get to ride out to see him today or are blessed with a visit from him.

Sar(Mrs.Teddy) said...

How beautiful that Nolan gave you eah such a wonderful gift, his mommy strength and his daddy a sweet little nudge. He will forever be with in happy & hard times. I had goosebumps reading this Ashley, I know it was him.

Mama Kat said...

I'm so sorry!

wendells said...

wow Ashley...I'm glad you were able to make it through that day at work without realizing the day. & that is so nice that Chris woke up smiling and thinking of Nolan. I know it's not the same as what you've gone through with Nolan, but when my dad passed, every day I would wake up or look at dates on papers at work and think "at this time on this date he was still alive" I still do that almost 3 yrs later, it's gotten better. ((hugs)) Happy 4 months Nolan!