Last night I was at work and Chris text me around 2am saying he was awake. I text him back asking what the heck he was doing awake since he wakes up at 415am to go to work. He said he woke up thirsty and is going back to bed.
Fast forward to this morning. I was talking to him on my way home and he mentions again about waking up at 2am. I said, "Yaaa I woke up around 2pm yesterday. It sucks."
He replies, "I think Nolan nudged me awake. Because when I woke up I smiled and he was the first thing I thought of... instantly."
I didn't think anything of this for a few seconds until it all clicked. He woke up at the same time Nolan left us 4 months ago, it was 2am when he coded for the last time.
How could I not have thought about this at work?! There is NO way I forgot, because the other 3 months I was dreading the hours around 2am on the 11th for a reason. And last night, it was like Nolan gave me the strength to get through my night with a smile. Chris said he knew better to remind me while at work why he was awake when I asked. But I just find it amazing how sneaky that date was. I even was charting after midnight and realized the date said Oct. 11th. BUT, it didn't cross my mind. All I have been thinking about is his 4 month birthday, and I think SO much about how big he would be or wonder what he would be doing right about now, that his angel anniversary didn't even pop up in my mind.
Thank God & Nolan for that strength, because if I didn't have it... work would have been one long lonely sad and depressing night. I would have thought about it all night where I was just 4 short months ago at that very time. I was in a quiet room, with my cold heartless beautiful baby wrapped in a little blue blanket crying and holding him as tight as I could passing him between Chris & I. That moment I felt frozen in time. I NEVER EVER want to feel those feelings again, and quite frankly I need to stop writing right now.. because the feelings are so raw I can feel them just typing.
Good night and I love you Nolan. I miss you SO much...so much. I had so many hopes and dreams for you little one. I wish you had the chance.